Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@SheilaFentiman ach I'm sorry to hear that. Will it be an actual move or have they got nursing areas?

@Lightuptheroom what a mind blowing mess! Maybe do a letter jointly to the GP and social worker 'summarising the current situation for the benefit of the team involved' ie trying to get them to see themselves as a team??

@PermanentTemporary a move, unfortunately. But the nearest nursing home has been to assess and hopefully can take him before too much longer.

Unfortunately we've already tried that, when it became evident a few weeks ago that whatever is going on for my mum means she can't remember how to get assistance for my dad (added to everything else he's extremely deaf so doesn't use the phone)
That's where the comment from the GP came from. I even requested that they call an MDT.
GP keeps saying that without mum's consent there is no way forward, so we just wait for the inevitable emergency situation.
We've put everything in writing to all teams as we've found that my mum can be faced with a medical emergency for my dad and not tell any of us for at minimum 3 days. For some reason the medical professionals (district nurses, virtual ward team and other teams to do with specific conditions my dad has) want to make check in phone calls with my mum and trust that she is giving accurate information - she isn't and can't.
We all live too far away to check on them daily.
Again, whatever is going on for her is a key to why she absolutely detests my dad and is currently shouting and swearing 24/7

@Lightuptheroom we had that when dad was ill. Mum insisted she could look after him fine but she really couldn't remember a thing. Kept sacking carers or refusing to let them in. Then when dad fell (frequent) and she called paramedics she wouldn't remember what meds he was on, where his dossette box was kept or even where they were written down (kitchen notice board). We only got somewhere once a community nurse had to come and change wound dressings and found she had emptied a weeks worth of drugs from a dossette into a vase and given dad so much oramorph he had overdosed and needed admitting.

@countrygirl99 we had paramedics make a safeguarding as mum sat in the living room laughing because my dad couldn't breath.
He's been disabled for a very long time, so all the professionals view mum as his carer and his advocate. Only now she openly states she hates him and then can't remember what she's supposed to do when for example his catheter blocks.

We've now told everybody numerous times in writing that she has current memory retention of about 3 minutes (judging mainly on phone conversations where she will repeat herself word for word numerous times) yet the GP keeps saying 'no consent, no assessment ' she's now told GP to f off at least 15 times and that they aren't taking her driving licence away...
Latest one is that 'nobody has told her' what is actually wrong with my dad so he must be making it all up. In the last 2 months he's been diagnosed with fibrotic lung failure and congestive heart disease. The respiratory team sat down with both of them and 'explained it all'
Consequently my dad thinks he's dying and my mum has no memory of the conversation taking place.
They have a care alarm because my dad is very wobbly, my mum refuses to touch it because apparently my dad told her not to...

My dad won't tell anyone any of this as he fears having to go into care for his physical needs. After the last hospital admission, he signed a RESPECT form that he doesn't wish to be taken into hospital unless it's for something like an injury.
We're fully expecting a situation where he has an emergency and mum fails to act.

You poor thing. Mum couldn't remember what was wrong with dad and she would repeatedly phone the hospital complaining no one was telling her anything even if she'd had a long conversation a few minutes before but he still got discharged home. At least she didn't hate him but she would have a go at him because he wasn't doing his share of the housework when he had stage 4 heart failure, kidney failure and could barely stand. Dad was so desperate not to upset her he wouldn't say anything to HCPs and they seemed to think we were exaggerating.

And twice dad had delirium and mum didn't even realise he was ill.

[Head in hands in NHS]

It's just awful. Feeling for you.

I've just googled out of interest 'when carers are cognitively impaired' and it's not even coming up as a concept.

Oh gosh, we had that too. Difficult to persuade mum that dad wasn't wandering around in confusion, randomly moving furniture, just to annoy her.

Once dad waslying in bed spouting all sorts of stuff about the government aretrying to force them out of the town they moved from in 1986. Clearly not strange at all.

I've had a crappy day of Sadmin. Feel like it goes in forever and each call creates more jobs. Today was about a mobile phone contract in my Dad's name that mum has been using. For some reason, she didn't pass the credit check so she can't stay on the monthly contract. The other was Scottish Power. Evidently, my Dad was on a great fixed deal which can't transfer to my mum now. It just seems like constant hassle and bad news so feeling sad.

@Newmum738 Have some and some

Each new sadmin job does indeed seem to create more work. It's never ending. If I have a task like this I do my level best to get it over and done with. ( often shooting myself in the foot by rushing and making errors) But I have to accept it will take as long as it takes I guess.

I really struggle with paper ID as it needs to be recent and I do everything online. I am nowhere near any physical branch ( they will print off for you I understand ) so I have re instated pAper statements on my own accounts for now, as I am not sure how long the process will take.

Even doing that was half an hour of stress on the phone as there was no way of doing it online.

@Newmum738 I know you’re not looking for advice, but have a look at giffgaff - every month you pay for free calls and a data allowance. Recurring payment from card, so not a credit arrangement. A month at a time, so you’re not locked into a contract. Fuel - octopus has reputation for good customer service.

@MereDintofPandiculation advice welcome! Those are good tips so I'll take a look thank you.

DS2 is visiting this week ( he lives abroad) so we went up to see mum. We ended up spending the afternoon bleaching her kitchen as it's covered in mouse poo🤢. Need to get pest controllers in. Mum is completely oblivious that this is a problem. But insists she has no problems.

@countrygirl99 I can relate. I've been putting the traps and poison down this weekend too. Glad you have someone there to help. Hope you beat them!

Brought my mum back to our house yesterday. She sat down on the sofa and said she wants to go home again (3 hour trip). She's here for a hospital appointment that is on Sunday and they said they would do it by phone. I wanted us to be together in case it's bad news and she says she doesn't care. Now to reorganise everything! 🙈

Having to do some severe boundary setting with DB who has POA but has moved a long way away.
No, I can't give the level of support from a hour away around a full time job that he gave when retired and living in the same very small town.
No, I am not going to pay her bills then ask for reimbursement when he can pay direct.
No, I can't keep deep cleaning her house due to rodent infestation, it needs a company to come in.

Good boundaries @countrygirl99

Mum had a very thorough appointment with an elderly care consultant yesterday, she now officially has dementia. She couldn’t do the tests that processed information like the arithmetic but told us the name of her maths teacher at school! It’s her cognitive functions that have been going for a while, she can hold brief normal conversations. On the way there I had an Archers podcast playing in the car and she wanted to know how Jennifer Aldridge had died and how Brian was managing!

She’s been so much brighter since her hospital stay and apparently that’s the Parkinson’s meds upping her dopamine. Her personality and sense of humour have returned, so DB and I are just trying to make the most of having her “back” while we can.

We’re fortunate that we’ve never had anyone close to us develop dementia before, so we don’t really know what we’re in for. Whether that’s good or bad, we’ll take it one day at a time and we’ll have our plan B lined up for the day she’s lost capacity and not safe at home any more. We’re happy with her carer team so we’re “stable” for the moment.

@funnelfan my sympathy. We are just over 2 years past the official diagnosis. Mum can still hold conversations that sound lucid unless you know what actually happened! One of the best recently was her telling me all about the antarctic cruise she and dad went on. Sounded wonderful but it never happened. It was a confabulation of cruises she did go on and watching Blue Planet 2. If I was a stranger I would have thought she was a sparky old bird but in reality her house stinks as she has lost all concept of basic hygiene but thinks she is coping fine so doesn't need a cleaner/help. Currently battling sorting out pest control for a mouse infestation that she can't see the problem with.

We are also two years into a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer’s for DM and I haven’t really noticed any decline yet. She is pretty much housebound unless one of us takes her out due to physical limitations but manages to look after herself really well. She certainly knows us all and keeps close tabs on the grandchildren. Asking her to learn to use anything new is a no and she struggles to remember what she’s eaten. Anything admin wise is a no.

There are signs though. She had a whole conversation with the doctor about being in New Zealand during the Christchurch earthquake. She has been there but it was years before.