Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@countrygirl99 the hygiene thing does sound a worry. Mum was getting whiffy last year but would not accept she needed help with washing. It all was getting to be a battle until her hospital stay over Christmas where they effectively told her she wasn't getting out without the 4x a day carer package, and now she's used to it she accepts she needs them. Once you've broken that barrier then future ones become easier (eg arranging for one of them to do a bit of cleaning). It's very frustrating that you end up waiting for a crisis in order to move things forward, but "capacity" seems to be everything.

@BestIsWest that sounds very much like how my mum is, only mum's dementia has not been categorised as Alzheimer's so I'm not sure how it's going to progress at this point. It's possible Lewy body/Parkinsons/Vascular - consultant said it could be an element of all three but ultimately the treatment is basically the same. She's lost a lot of weight, is currently 7 and a half stone and even though she's now eating 3 very small meals a day and any biscuits she can get her hands on, and doing very little, she's not regaining. All her vital organs are as healthy as you'd expect for a woman of her age (she was thoroughly tested in hospital!) so I'm not sure how this is going to go.

Since I posted earlier this morning, the local care home that I contacted at New Year rang me back with a courtesy call to let me know that Mum was still on their waiting list for their dementia unit. Quick chat with them and they're happy for her to stay on their list as our Plan B for if and when she needs them. If the tone & content of the conversation we had is typical of their approach to families of their residents then it's a good sign should we need to call on them in the future.

@funnelfan that's good to hear. My priority this month is visiting care homes and discussing the idea with mum. She has previously said she quite fancies being in a care home and not having to bother with housework but when it actually comes to it I'm expecting fireworks. I'm expecting a crisis sooner rather than later and none of us live nearby now.

I sometimes wonder if we should have moved Dad sooner, whilst he still had capacity to learn a new layout at the care home… but there’s no way of knowing!

@funnelfan I’m not convinced that Mum’s diagnosis is correct. She was very fit and well up until around 8 years ago when she had a ‘dizzy’ episode and fell. Her physical decline started at that point and I’m not convinced it wasn’t some kind of stroke or vascular episode. I remember saying to a friend not long after that that I was worried about her memory and my Dad expressed some concerns to me. Apart from the mobility I don’t honestly think she’s declined much cognitively since then.

She’s also as fit as a fiddle in other respects - heart, lungs etc. I do think she might be better off in a care home as she’s very sociable and misses company but won’t hear of it yet.

Sounds like the potential care home you have in mind is a good one.

I was talking to a friend recently who was a senior nurse specialising in elder care. Her advice was earlier rather than later and try to make the move at a time of year they particularly enjoy. E.g. my mum loves sitting in the sun, so if she goes in in summer she can do that and is likely to settle more easily, someone who loves Christmas move in early December so they have all the Christmas related activities. She said people often make the mistake of "last Christmas at home" and then move to a care home in January at a time of year when they feel flat under any circumstances. That hadn't occurred to me but seems to make sense.

Mum's GP is of the same opinion as the nurse friend of @countrygirl99 - move while you still have the function to understand what's going on and you'll settle quicker and be happier long term. But that's the logical, sensible approach from someone 30+ years younger than our elderlies! I think I said upthread - being in your 80s, declining in physical and mental health, and reliant on others for your wellbeing must be shit and scary. So I can see why mum is going to cling to the familiarity of the house she's lived in for over 50 years rather than move to a part of the country she's never lived in (near me), even if she only ever leaves the building to go to the doctor. Plus I think she thinks she would be more of a burden, and having looked after her mother at a similar time of life, she doesn't want the same for me. Not realising that it's actually harder work trying to care for her with a full time job (she was a SAHP) from 100+ miles away (she lived a mile from her mother), and if she lived 5 minutes down the road I could visit daily for pleasure rather than spending half my weekend with her but running round doing errands and not actually sitting down to chat.

I'm resigned to mum not moving now until either she loses capacity or has a crisis of some kind which means she accepts she has to move. I did think that staying at home would maybe cheaper in the short term (looking for silver linings), but adding up the cost of utilities, council tax, carers etc vs care home fees, it really isn't as big a saving as one would think.

Financially with mum we found there wasnt much in it between being at home and in a care home. Towards the end of her time at home we were having to virtually pay for 24 hour care anyway and by the time you add utilities on etc
In hindsight I wish we had moved her sooner as it was avlot less stressful but she had always said before she got dementia dont ever put me in a care home
As it was she was only there for 3 months before she passed away from advanced vascular dementia

I’m very lucky I guess that Mum is only 5 minutes away by car and 20 on foot and my brother lives 200 yards from me so we are both on hand and can call in Frequently. Too handy on occasion. I’m retiring next week and haven’t yet mentioned it to either Mum or my brother.

Hello all. Dropping in say hi to all in the trenches. And @BestIsWest don't tell them. Your new job is looking after you.

@BestIsWest I'd mention your change in circumstances to your brother. I had a relative who worked term time and had a cash in hand job evenings and weekends. I did a lot for her mother, knowing that she couldn't get to do it herself. When I found out that she'd dropped the cash in hand job some four months previously and had not told me, I felt used. She'd had the opportunity to say something and hadn't done and I felt differently about her after that.

Enjoy your retirement, I predict that after the first month you'll wonder how you ever found time to go to work.

Proximity is a double edged sword isn't it.

Time to move to the new thread

Cockroaches all. Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation