Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Chevyimpala67 I know exactly what you are saying. I started doing everything for my mum 10 years ago when I still had three youngsters at home. Although they would disagree I really feel that I neglected the younger two especially because of mum's needs. Now when they visit I make sure I say "yes" to everything they want me to do with them because I have spent years saying "You go and have a good time. I'll stay with G'ma"

My aunt cared for my dad's mother (grandfather died young) - they shared a house but my grandmother was independent right up to the last few months before she died. My mum's mum died after a brief illness and mum's sister helped my grandfather nurse her. When she died grandfather moved in with my aunt but didn't need care as such, just lived as part of the family.

Mum would always say she couldn't care for someone like my aunts did for their mothers yet she expected me to do much, much more for her and for much longer than they did. She really has no concept of what "care" involves.

She's in a home now and I am discovering the joy of freedom!

Yes, that's how I feel x

Dr thinks mum may have something called essential tremor - AFAIK that's a neurological issue.

She's 45 kg now. She's 5ft 6 so that's pretty skinny.

Raising a to all sandwich fillings.

@Knackeredandstressed is that you turning your dh twice a night?? I can't even begin to imagine how exhausting that would be.

I feel tired this week after my dual nursing home trip - a lot of driving and of course it's emotional and can be hard to be positive, but I am so liberated from the grind of caring. I'm also about to drop ds at uni this Saturday so that's another chunk of responsibility I'm dropping.

In my family there have always been a lot of very long lived people but - perhaps as a result - a lot of use of institutional care like nursing homes. It can make family history quite bleak but it does mean we don't feel we are doing something unbearably bad if that's how things go.

In my family there have always been a lot of very long lived people but - perhaps as a result - a lot of use of institutional care like nursing homes. It can make family history quite bleak but it does mean we don't feel we are doing something unbearably bad if that's how things go. That’s the problem, isn’t it? With longer lives, increasing dementia, caring has changed out of all recognition. My GF was cared for by his daughters - one daughter walked 50yards down the road each day with a dinner, and he would come to us on a Sunday, Dad would pick him up and return him (1hr 20 total drive), he’d potter around amusing himself, and share Sunday lunch with us. No dressing, washing, cleaning up after toileting. He got oedema in his legs, went into hospital and died a week later. People who haven’t cared for an elder look back to their grandparents’ decline and have no idea. As I didn’t.

You don't, until you're in the midst of it. My own family as a whole aren't long-lived, and my parents both died relatively young. DH's grandparents were all gone before he reached his teens, too, so we had no idea, really. People think we have it easy because MIL was sectioned and remains in hospital, but it means taking FIL to visit every day, an hour each way, plus all the wrangling between siblings about what the next steps ought to be, not that they will get to decide that. If anything her dementia has got worse (no shit!) since she was admitted during the summer.
FIL isn't in the best of shape either, with long term MH problems. After many years of managing with one vehicle, it means we have to keep two cars on the road to be able to see to him as and when, though of course he's convinced he's entirely independent. So it's a drain on finances as well as time.

FIL always used to give us the "we looked after our patents" spiel. But his mum died young, his dad was fit and well until he died in an accident, his FIL was poorly for a few months (mostly in hospital) and his MIL died suddenly of a heart attack having lived independently in a wardened flat. So "caring" consisted of having the in-laws to Sunday lunch on a rota every 3 or 4 weeks. They lived 5 minutes drive away so even picking up and dropping off was hardly onerous.

@countrygirl99 spot on! My mother was (she's still alive but very different) a very loving and compassionate person but she had zero experience of the practical side of caring. She would phone my great aunt four times a day at least, plus my dad would drive a 90 minute round trip to bring her to my house once a week. My lovely aunt (and she was lovely, not being sarcastic) would do anything to avoid speaking to her on the phone. But when the crisis came my aunt dropped everything, walked out of work on compassionate grounds and moved my great aunt to live with her there and then. She was fantastic with practical care but couldn't handle the emotional side. My mum demanded both from me.

Do people usually take antidepressants once a day or more often. Please let it be once or I'm really going to put some serious boundaries in place.

@countrygirl99 it depends, sometimes it's once a day, usually at night as they can make people sleepy. Check the prescription.

I'll find out when I go up at the weekend. I'm having to take over filling mum's pivotell when sibling moves away. Not a problem until today as she's been on once a day medication so 1 fill is 4 weeks. But I'm a 2 hour round trip away, can't always go at the weekend and work full time. Generally I go up once a fortnight but sometimes visits are 1 week apart, sometimes 3 weeks depending on what else is going on. Twice a day will mean religiously once a fortnight, 3 times weekly and that is certainly not happening so would need to find another solution.

@countrygirl99 ask the pharmacist about a nomad or dossett (blister packs basically) if mum is able to handle taking tablets out of a labelled 'blister'

We had blister packs for dad. Until we found out mum was emptying the lot into a bowl (not that it was her you understand, no idea who could have done that!) Fortunately soon after that regular carer visits 4 times a day were a requirement to get him out of hospital so they were able to keep an eye out for problems like that. Mum is on her own now and just has 1 visit largely to check there is nothing toxic in the fridge. They haven't been willing to fill the pivotell but I may have to try and persuade them.
The one medication she has been on for a while is marked up by day but she forgets what day it is and takes more than one dose - hence the pivotell. Not that she ever took more than one dose you understand, the packaging must be poor and they must be falling out.

Hello all, can I join you?

Dm82 and df80 both ill and infirm. We now have a live in carer, but can't sustain paying for that for too long.

Waiting on a Parkinsons and dementia diagnosis for Df, but just a had a letter from the hospital saying it's 60 week wait! He's deteriorated very fast in the last couple of months - to the extent that he's now doubly incontinent.

Dm is driving me nuts..... I've never had a great relationship with her, and she's a narcissist. And so demanding.

I'm meant to be signed off work, but I'm working most days!!

Hello@Definitelynotme2022 welcome! Plenty of room on the bad daughters sofa!
just a gentle question…. Why are you working when signed off? With so much going on you need fuel in your tank.
hello all regulars… this weeks adventure was getting a call from db that dm wasn’t answering phone….. dash to indignant dm to find phone was dialling out, not taking incoming call….. then next day discovered by ringing from her handset her number had changed! On to yesterday when phone went dead while I was there and careline saying no phone line…. I spotted a bt engineers van going down the road so went and grabbed him 🤣🤣- turned out dm had been given someone else’s number, and he was installing it in neighbours house…… eventually sorted…….
spoke to bt …. They do have a vulnerable customer flag they can put on accounts… might be worth doing. And got £16 quid rebate……..
cockroach all!

@thesandwich I'm laughing at you flagging down a BT van, desperate times, desperate measures 🤣.

@Definitelynotme2022 welcome, that sounds so hard for you, dealing with both parents and juggling work as well. I understand what it's like to have a DM with NPD. Mine is the same and it's hard for people to understand that you're not dealing with a person with normal emotions and behaviour. Mine surpassed herself recently by secretly buying a house 4 doors down and opposite me and is still furious that I'm not delighted. There is so much wrong with the house and I suspect the previous owners hadn't done anything in 20 years. Somehow all these problems are my fault and also mine to fix. The workmen I've supplied, men I've had for years, are all woefully inadequate and so expensive. DD and I went over today for DD to help move some boxes. DM pointed at me and said 'I need YOU to ring your man as he STILL hasn't rung me back'. What upsets me is that she doesn't treat outsiders like this, when my 'man' eventually gets back to her and does the job, she will be the nicest, sweetest old lady alive. If only they knew...

@countrygirl99 just a thought - would it be possible to get another pivotell the same as the current one and fill it, then ask the carers to swap to the second one when the first was empty?

@thesandwich my mum's trick is to flag down BT men and ask them to tarmac her driveway....
Somehow my mum has managed to arrange for a cleaner to go in once a week without any of us knowing! Dad is apparently still driving her bonkers as he keeps losing his glasses then deciding not to look for them...
Now haven't seen them in person for over a month, definitely bad daughter sofa for me...

@Lightuptheroom my mum isn't quite at the stage of yours but did manage to get the locksmith who came the other day to order a part for her fridge door! Oh how I wish mine would arrange to have a weekly cleaner, I'd even be happy with monthly!

Hi All!

Sorry to hear so many of you (and newcomers) are still fighting an uphill battle on the elderly care front.

I've been AWOL for a while as everything seemed much more settled. Mum on a low dose of ADs which perked her up no end, quite a good social life, carer issue apparently under control and I've been doing some freelance work.

And then...

Was visiting Tuesday when the care agency called to say the carer 'L', wouldn't be coming the following day as he was unwell.

Cue a meltdown from mum as he hadn't let her know personally (which obviously shouldn't be happening anyway).

I was a bit bewildered as to her reaction since she's seemed quite rational about him in recent months, but it transpires this 'rationality' has come about as a result of them having a physical relationship for the last 3 or 4 months.

I have done some digging since discovering this and now know exactly what happened between them the month before my dad died, and have evidence that he has been aware of her feelings for him for months at least, yet clearly has taken advantage rather than shutting it down.

I have to report him...to the agency, social services and possibly the police, but am stalling because I don't know how I'm going to cope with the fallout.

What worries me is that she will probably defend him. I have copies of documents and screenshots of messages but that means revealing very personal information about mum.

However, his other clients are mostly elderly vulnerable women and a couple of disabled lads so God knows what else he's getting up to.

Long story short...looks like I'm about to rejoin the roller coaster.

Oh god @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain.. what an awful thing to have to deal with. All I can do I'd wish you luck.

I'll have a better picture of what I need to do dor mum this afternoon when I see DB for the drug handover. The second pivotell is a good idea. It's also vome out yesterday she is asking for supermarket trips because she didn't take the community minibus this week more often than anyone thought. We each thought we were getting isolated requests when we turned up so that's another issue to tackle. She is refusing to have supermarket deliveries ss she likes to make up her mind there depending on what looks nice. Ho hum.

Oh @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain hell. Hell's bells. That is terrible. It is so grim when people abuse vulnerable people's trust. Feeling for you and her.

@Fantasea according to my mum it's perfectly normal to ask anyone working on a hole in the road in hi Viz to do the tarmac, housing association don't want to know so I guess that particular behaviour is set to continue...
Regarding the cleaner, thankfully she's always been able to see the benefits, though the usual pattern is that a few weeks in my dad will kick up an almighty fuss about the cost, or mum decides he's getting too friendly with the cleaner. Hopefully because this time it's an agency they are more able to keep the professional boundary (it's always been friends of friends before) On the other hand, the mere mention of 'carers' causes her to slam the phone down and not speak to me for a while, so we don't go onto that subject anymore.
The next month is going to be interesting as my sister who shares the elderly burden with me is away for the whole month, so older brother has suddenly decided he's going to stay with the parents for a week, we aren't sure if he's actually asked them or whether he'll survive a week, but we'll see!

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain I used to work for the local authority elderly care. Report immediately to the agency. They are responsible for reporting to CQC etc.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain You don't need us to tell you how wildly inappropriate this is, I'm really sorry for the position you're in (again). From a professional point of view the timeline doesn't matter, it shouldn't have happened at any time.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain physical relationship? I hope you mean a real life emotion relationship rather than sex?