Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@EmmaAgain22 I wouldn't expect a care home to ring you for known frequent events, no. At least not if they've been discussed and a plan agreed. And they wouldn't expect you to necessarily do anything about them, either.

Not much use if she won't contemplate going into one. But worth thinking about.

PermanentTemporary thank you, that's worth knowing.

Perhaps it depends on the place, I've heard a few people say they got calls for everything.

Emma I don’t think the care home will overburden you with calls. Tbh I only got a call if the Dr has been called or DM had a fall or they needed my permission for flu/ Covid jab. It could go several months with no calls.

Thanks

oof, I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. I don't know what to do with myself.

my mum is in a care home early days but I only get a call if they have had to call dr or district nurse out . They do call with a monthly update though.
Most things they have seen before and become very adept at knowing what to do in all manner of situations
I got a call yesterday to say mum had the beginning of a bed sore and they had called nurse out and they told me extra baths and turning her every hour
All was in hand but just updating me
Agree with what others have said they dont call for minor things

@EmmaAgain22 sounds like you need to see your own GP and have a break. Your sister may need to manage for a while on her own. Would she follow a request to only contact you if it was a life threatening situation? Otherwise a temporary block or turn off the phone.

The only person whose happiness you are responsible for in this life is your own. Occasionally we all have to find our inner selfish bitch, say enough, and find our sanity again. Best wishes.

my sister thinks encourage her to care home - but they will call us for funny turns and dizzy episodes too won't they? My experience with nursing home is they deal with it and tell you about it after

@EmmaAgain22 I used to work in a nursing home and families were only ever really called when something of an emergency happened or the GP had had to come in. Some families phoned daily, others came in once a month and didn't want to know. I'm pretty sure that you could specify only to contact you in an emergency -which a dizzy turn certainly isn't!

It's relentless, isn't it? I think with my Dad I ended up feeling that my sister and I were just enabling his madness. Perhaps you and your sister both need to back off to a small degree and let your Mum realise that she's not managing..... hard as that is.

@EmmaAgain22 you are no use to anyone if you collapse. So do as @funnelfan says. Even if you have to lie (phone broke/left on bus/out of battery….)

Thanks everyone
my sister has gone, she's with friends for xmas

I am borderline hysterical

mum is perfectly fine

I am thinking to go home, she can tell the other visitors I've got flu or something. Not sure what to do. If she isn't well over Xmas, I literally can't get here, so she will spoil Xmas for a couple of friends, one of whom will probably just drive to get me anyway.

also, frankly, I'm shattered, I can't keep to-ing and froing. It also might be better if she sees what a state I'm in.

@EmmaAgain22 which is the lesser of the two evils?

That's the best decision you can make right now.

It is relentless Emma but as others say, look after you. Give yourself the best Xmas present - announce you have flu- and take yourself off home with your phone switched off. Then surround yourself with things that cheer you up - like a cosy outfit and a candle bath. Good that you realise you can’t go on being fully attendant - that’s the first step in breaking the cycle.

thank you all so much for understanding

long boring post alert...

I actually went to sleep after posting. By the time I woke up, my sister had rung from the train journey to tell mum this is all terrible. I was a bit sus that sister wanted to call me yesterday so she didn't get stuck here - but mum has said freely that she herself asked my sister to ring and said to me "does it really bother you that much to do the journey? You were coming tomorrow anyway".

FFS. It's two hours door to door on public transport.

Some poor soul ended their life on the track today so I can't go home now without a lot of problems. It has been decided I will go home on Boxing Day and we have put off visitors saying I'm ill...which is a fair assessment at the mo.

mum is looking very cross.

Then when I get home, sis is back the following day and will do a social visit at some point in the week but I'm hoping to keep away.

The muddle is partly that I grew up here, and the bit of my social life that's not lost to lockdown is here, so if I stay in my area, I have no friends to see. I've always been happy to stay here.

I am also meant to restart looking for a flat in the New Year.

what we really need is someone who can be called at short notice to take the responsibility if mum has a dizzy spell or something. If there was an agency wanting a monthly fee for that, we'd happily pay.

mum had no issues showering, making her lunch etc. I understand that dizziness after a stroke made her panic but it's like she has no clue that the last few weeks have impacted us. Maybe, post-stroke, she doesn't have a clue?

Mum finally left hospital yesterday and has gone to a home. Dad says he feels that he's betrayed her, but he's not in the best of health and can no longer care for her at home. It took the inevitable fall and hospital trip for him to eventually realise this. So we start a new chapter and will see what the future brings. To all those caring, please remember to look after yourselves as well, easier said than done I know.

I'm not officially working over Christmas but we are heading to DM's for the weekend. She has prepared a long list of jobs for me so I'll be set to work as soon as we arrive. I'm going to deploy the usual tactic of a couple of glasses of sherry - she usually chills out a bit then!
Dad died just before Christmas last year so last year we were all slightly in shock. This time feels like the reality of Christmas without him so I'm expecting it's going to be a bit bumpy.
Best wishes to all cockroaches and Cinderellas with big hugs (and virtual sherry) to anyone that needs them this weekend!

Bad day yesterday, no phone call as promised from hospice and no Dr on duty by the time I got to visit. He was told alone that he's being moved to a nursing home, and by the evening he had chest pains and was crying in his chair. I'm 52 and have never seen my Dad cry before.

Sending everyone a very large glass of festive tipple . I had half a pint of Baileys last night I was in such a state. My blood sugars were rather high as a result this morning

Badger oh dear. Maybe I'm thick but I thought a hospice would have a doctor all the time?

our healthcare provision is odd.

and they still want to move him to a nursing home? Have you seen any notes or anything?

Sean lots of people seem to find homes much better than they think, I hope that happens for your mum.

IoW oh dear, hope there's not too many jobs. Is your mum another who won't get paid help?

our oven has packed up, mum says she will call repair people herself.

As if things could get worse, DM's ward is closed due to a Covid infection. They didn't call me, I drove over and was refused entry. Really not sure if I well ever see her again, she's sleeping most of the time, not eating and pretty unresponsive. Not the news I wanted on Christmas Eve. Sorry to hear your news @Badger1970 your poor dad (and you)

@OnthePiste that's so sad. We were allowed to visit dad when he was dying ona covid ward in January so I hope they have some compassion. Strictly it was 2 visitors only, same 2 every time, but the lovely ward clerk said "well your mum has alzheimer's so needs a carer to accompany her and maybe the same carer can't come each time" so all 3 of us were able to say goodbye.

I came to have a bit of a rant but the tone of posts tonight doesn't feel appropriate.

Just really struggling with living with mum mum right now

The whole cockroach experience is about rants and sadness. I'm never far from a rant myself. In fact I type one out most days, but don't post it, for fear it might be identifiable. As if everyone here wouldn't recognise something of themselves in the frustration, the sense of unfairness, the bloody-minded stupidity of other family members, the exhaustion and the fear that somehow we aren't doing enough.
Other people's rants make me feel better.

Thank you.
In the grand scheme of things I know I'm lucky.
Life is just a bit more tense with my DH working from home now and therefore being home with mum all the time.
They rub each other up the wrong way.

Mum is very stubborn 85yr old. She fixates on things and nags until they're done but then complains we haven't done it right.

We normally host family but everyone is busy this year so it's just us and mum didn't think we should bother with a turkey so brought some frozen turkey things that my child can't eat because of allergies.
Didn't even discuss it with me- I normally do all the shopping and cooking except for Christmas when it's her thing.
The disparity with how we are treated to other family is more and more obvious.

She'll go out of her way to stock up with food and make breakfast etc when other are here but can't even get my child's allergies right when we live together. Oh she can have soothing else. Didn't see an issue at all with my teenager having to cook herself something separately to the rest of us for Christmas lunch!

As much as family drive me nuts when they stay, treating the house like a hotel and eating us out of house and home without ever contributing anything. Christmas doesn't feel right without everyone here.

I find other people's rants very reassuring because you realise you're not the only one who questions their sanity on a daily basis

I realised the other day that babies don't come with instruction manuals and you spend your parenting years feeling that you're getting it all wrong... your kids fly the nest and then your parents start playing you up and they don't come with instruction manuals either!

Hello all, sending very good wishes to everyone here- thank you for all your support, and hope you can all find a piece of joy.

Best wishes for Christmas everyone. Badger I particularly feel for you, that's awful. I hope tomorrow is less distressing.