Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

To add...the reason I ask is that if he is, they should not be shy of intravenous morphine. Also, it sounds like maybe time to try a stronger sedative.

Possibly the reason I had to ask was so that they could not be accused of giving him too high a dose.

The trouble is that Dad has always presented much better than he physically is.. and I have a horrid feeling that it's this causing the issue. I think the whole reasoning behind a nursing home was that he had months left rather than weeks, but the decline in the last 3 days has been awful.

Oh I'm sorry, this is so hard

from memory, I think dad was hallucinating but knowing he was hallucinating, about two weeks before they put him on proper end of life status. Are you going tomorrow? I'd ask them why he's not officially on that. In dad's case, they wouldn't say it but I think it was because they thought mum would object to it.

I really feel your pain but FWIW at this stage, I think some movements are involuntary and he can't feel them.

@EmmaAgain22 and @Badger1970 I'm so sorry things are so difficult now. I have no advice, but I stand with you.

@countrygirl99 we have had nightmares with Lloyds Pharmacy getting DF's prescription. DF self-catheterises. He has done for several years. It's the only thing he gets on prescription, but he self medicates on a shit ton of vodka, gin and wine. As he is staying with me, we handed the prescription to Lloyds the first week of November. After 10 days they managed to get one box, rather than the 3 prescribed and gave me a note saying the rest was due. I'm still bloody waiting. The lied about it not being in the shop when it was there. In desperation I rang Head Office and they said they would sort it, but they haven't. It's a 6 mile round trip to go to Lloyds and they have the monopoly in our nearest town. I got December's prescription posted here and on the advice of one of my students mum, took it to a pharmacy 5 miles away yesterday. They rang in the afternoon to say they had 2 boxes. We went this morning and all 3 were there. Lloyds are absolutely rubbish by comparison.

Malbec don't worry about me, I was just having a trivial moan.

I was thinking to switch mum to Lloyds as the current place doesn't deliver...maybe I shoukdn't!

@Malbecfan that have finally managed to despatch the donepezil but I can't see it being here before Christmas now. I was hoping to fill up while mum is here rather than do a 3rd 2 hour round trip in a week but hey ho. No sign of the Sertraline but I have enough of that to last until her meds review at the beginning of Jan. Thankfully youngest DB is taking her to that so I shall ask him to get a paper scrip from the GP if it hasn't arrived.

Our local Lloyds has a notice up talking about imminent change of ownership. Assuming this is the Lloyds group as a whole and not that one shop is being sold of, now may not be the best time to move.

Shame, because ours has been excellent over the 20 years I’ve used it.

Some of the Lloyd's branches are franchises so it could be a franchise changing hands

country I hope it all gets sorted asap

mere thanks for the information, if they're mid takeover or some such, I'll think again.

hope everyone is all right today.

Another gem from my father “A staff member said to me ‘what have you done? You’ve messed up all your bedclothes’. She had no right to say that! My bedclothes are under my authority and mine alone!”

I love it when amongst all the time travelling and fantasy, bits of my Dad shine through.

Dad's no better, but thankfully no worse. He's definately seeing things/hallucinating but doesn't seem frightened/bothered by it which is a relief. He asked me to cover him in moisturiser as his skin was itching (it hasn't done this for a while) and I sat quietly massaging his hands until he fell asleep and I quietly left him to rest. He'd had a card from his sister that he enjoyed me reading to him too. He was much calmer today, so I'm assuming that they've changed something medication wise.

All my plans for Christmas have gone out the window. Having arranged to borrow a car for the week so we can visit my mum I have tested positive for Covid so can't go near the home! She won't understand why I am not there on Christmas Day. Every time she says she will be home for Christmas I have said I will visit her and now I can't. I am so sad for her.

So sorry to hear that @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I hope you don't feel too poorly. What a shame for you, however do you think your mum will remember that you said you would visit? Is she able to take a phone call from you or could the home set up a video call? Not the same I know but at least she might see your face.

sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere , I hope you don’t get it too badly. It’s is feasible to go and wave through the windows, heartbreaking as that may be at least you will see her?

my DM is doing really well in her assessment unit, a bit of attention and three hot meals a day have brought her back to her (limited) best and I was actually having a back and forth conversation with her yesterday. Recently it’s been me wittering at her and asking a question and getting a one word whispered answer.

however, the occupational therapist considers she’s now ok to go home with additional equipment (bed lever, toilet frame etc) and carers four times a day. My concerns are that 1. She’s already said the house is too much for her and she want to move to a flat. 2. They are assessing her at her best, and not how she is when she’s at home.

I presume at this stage I have to wait for the discharge team to do their “big picture” assessment and not panic at what the OT said? I am thankful the social worker saw her at home at her worst so they will have some balance.

Oh, that's crap for you and your mum, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere . Will she know it's Christmas Day?
@funnelfan The OT here came to see the house and organised the minor physical alterations they thought MIL would need if she came home, but that was months ago. She's not going back home to live, ever. It put the wind up us at the time, though.

Thanks @DahliaMacNamara , “putting the wind up” is exactly my state of mind! OT also said it would be unusual to recommend someone go from once daily care visits to residential care without trying the four times daily care at home first, which is another worrying statement.

Now we know a medical cause for mums issues, and know it’s never going to get better and in fact will get progressively worse, DB and I would rather make the leap now to get her somewhere settled, preferably near me so I can pop in daily. The four times daily carer visits in a house she don’t want the responsibly for is just a sticking player that will only last a couple of months. And of course more work for us as I live 100 miles away in one direction and DB 250 miles in the other direction. Sorry, ranting now.

funnel what a mare.

agree she should go in a home, funding is the thing though. If she's self funding, do as you please. It's good she has said she can't cope.

She can’t cope but then when you have a conversation with her about where she wants to live long term and about needing more care, we’re back to “i can manage” and ignoring me and avoiding the conversation. I have threatened to put “I said I could manage” on her gravestone!! Was it you who said on another thread today that you’re not bothered about managing, you’re trying to avoid a fuck up that you’ll have to clear up? Today I’m right there.

My son and daughter are going to visit her instead of me, just in case DH develops symptoms as well.

@funnelfan My mum went into the rehab unit while they waited for an increased care package from two visits to four but while she was there it was apparent that she wouldn't cope even with four visits and my support.

The consultant at the hospital called me again today re DM after her broken hip and subsequent pneumonia. The antibiotics worked but he thinks she is possibly at or going towards end of life. She is refusing to eat, delirious most of the time, sleeping a lot. I am going in everyday and sometimes she recognises me sometimes she doesn't. The physios have been trying to get her to sit up but she gets so distressed that they have to give up. She just lies there, saying help me and muttering to herself. I honestly cannot believe how much she has declined. Doc doesn't think there is anything they can do so wants to discharge her back to care home. They are not sure they can cope with her needs of this level so she is staying in hospital until next week when CH manager can come in and see her. She may have to go to a nursing home if they think it's more suitable which is even more unsettling for her.

@PermanentTemporary hows things with your mum? @Badger1970 I hope your dad is as comfortable as possible.

Cockroach good wishes to everyone else.

I managed to speak to a Dr in the hospice today. They agreed that Dad has declined rapidly in the last 48 hours and they've also agreed to give us an extra week before deciding on a move to a nursing home, as they want to try some other medication. They still can't confirm a time scale, they said it could be days, it could be many weeks. I've expressed my unhappiness at least, and they're going to leave the decision to the Consultant to make. I feel a little easier, but it's horrid seeing Dad like this. I've got a sore throat and headache tonight, and am praying it's not a cold as I can't bear the thought of not seeing him

So many of us on this journey with our elders. My mum is stable ish thank you @OnthePiste. I went back to work a week ago (to find utter chaos after 2 days off, which is just starting to come under control by doing 3 extra hours a day - nobody's irreplaceable but if there's noone at all left to replace you, it is a bit difficult). The home say she is sleeping a lot more which is a strong indicator to me that we are still firmly heading towards end of life, even if it's weeks away. Having finally bullied the GP into crossing 'antibiotics as needed' off the drug chart, her next infection might be her last. I just don't understand why it is so hard to stop treating at this stage. I would at im stony hearted but I'm not. I'm just like my mum and we are really close. She was ready to die over a year ago. I just couldn't get anyone to believe me.

Anyway, I'll be there for Christmas Eve. I thought I might take some knitting. If Mum is awake she might like to watch me and feel the wool. Maybe not, I'm terrible at knitting and she was top notch!

Sorry to post without replying to others

another late call to mum's as she was having a funny turn and my sister didn't know what to do. Well, that and mum asked her to call me.

so here I am, mum is fine. By the time I got here, sis had given her dinner, and she was fine! Sis had to take her to the loo as she was so wobbly. But yes...fine now.

I'm exhausted and I just don't know what to do.

my sister thinks encourage her to care home - but they will call us for funny turns and dizzy episodes too won't they?

there is no way mum will go to a home and I can see why. But how much of this can we cope with?

I can't cope. This is ridiculous. I only went home on Tuesday.

So sorry to hear what you are all going through. No wise words but lots of sympathy. Please try and get some sort of break, even a few hours. 🌺🌺