Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thinking of you both @PermanentTemporary x

@PermanentTemporary My thoughts are with you & your DM.

@PermanentTemporary sending you lots of love and thinking of you xx

PermanentTemporary - I sat with my DF for 10 days in hospital as I waited for his last breath.
I felt it was a privilege to be there and his passing was peaceful and very gentle.

Thinking of you and sending love x x

Thank you all - I appreciate it very much. I know so many of you have been through this.

@Borntobeamum I feel the same. My dh's death was very violent and shocking and I'm glad I didn't see it. My df died after a short illness, we had seen him several times in hospital but none of us made it to the bedside in time at the end. So this is really a joy, to spend this peaceful open ended time with her. My only worry is that she somehow might recover. The nurses think it's the end. I do hope they're right.

@PermanentTemporary thinking of you.🌺

My dad has been in hospital for 2 weeks. They diagnosed fibrotic lung disease and told us last weekend that he would need to be discharged on a home oxygen system which would need to be fitted into their home. Yesterday everything changed and he was discharged home today with nothing at all required. The discharge team say they've made a referral to social services who will do a welfare check.
My mum says they 'dumped him and ran'
She has 2 x re enablement visits a day which were organised when he was taken into hospital as she isn't coping at all.
We haven't been told any plans to add him to these visits or anything.

Lightup so how is your dad? Did they explain why they went back on the oxygen?

Ooh thats bad @Lightuptheroom. I'm sorry to say it but he probably had a 'good enough' day and they took a punt. Bed pressure is so bad they would send people out on a slide out of the window if they could right now. Has the GP had any info?

Mum has perked up but sounds very chesty still. I think we're in for a long vigil.

It blows my mind how unaware the staff are of multiple caring responsibilities. One was slightly 'isn't your brother flying over' until I pointed out that his wife is seriously ill too. I've told them in the past that both my sister and I are single parents and that I have frail in-laws as well but none of it has ever seemed to stick. Oh well.

@Lightuptheroom that's shocking but sadly incredibly common these days. At least there is re-enablement in place even if twice a day. I would chase social services up about the referral to see if more help is available.

@PermanentTemporary it's a rollercoaster ride, isn't it? Up and down. Pace yourself, and make sure you're eating and drinking.

Ended up on the phone to the emergency duty team. They agree it's an unsafe discharge but nothing they could do in the middle of the night as no one available (so what's the point of an emergency duty team then?)
They have as a 'huge favour' added dad to mum's care visit, they didn't even know he'd been discharged.
His discharge letter states something on it that is actually totally incorrect, so we now have to get that changed as well
More phone calls today by the looks of things

Lightup they do it on purpose. Mum's discharge letter, recommending one carer visit a day when I had to put her in a home, said that I live with her, which I don't.

I am shocked they got away with that when someone needs oxygen though. How is he feeling?

Permanent um. Oh. No offence to your mum, who I know you have said is lovely. Reminds me of my dad. I wish I had spent less time there in his final months. I hope you get a chance to do nice normal things.

@PermanentTemporary I hope things settle soon and you and she are at peace.

I hope I might be admitted to the cafe.

My dad is 87 and currently staying in the cottage next door to me, supposedly for a few months. He is aware that he can't remember anything he didn't write down, but is still able to whizz through the Daily Telegraph crossword. I cook for him every evening and shop for him. I'm now having to pick up more of his life admin. My not-so-dear sister is a conspiracy theorist, narcissistic covid denying stirrer who lives abroad. She thinks because she phones him daily that she is a loving kind daughter. She has done zero grunt work in the last 3 years. However, she sees fit to criticise anything I do eg DF will ask for fish & chips for dinner so we all have it & he raves about how delicious it is. "D"Sis moans at me for feeding him unhealthy crap. He's 87 FFS. He drinks vodka & gin like it's going out of fashion. Why shouldn't he eat what he wants? I have 2 adult DDs at uni whom DF can't wait to see. I also work P/T and have a DH who went through all this with his DM a decade ago.

Dad is not really ready for residential care but he needs rather more support than I can manage alongside my work. When either of the DDs is here, things are much easier. I suppose the only solution for me is to drop more hours, but this will have a massive impact on my pension and quality of life as I do enjoy my work. DF is very generous, but I do want financial security. His parents lived to be 90 & 91. My DM died 25 years ago so DF has been alone all that time. He has a lot of friends back home which is 230 miles away, and not exactly easy to pop back to. I drive him as he can't manage the train or coach. He can and still does drive but not that distance.

Not sure why I typed the essay but I would like to be around people in a similar position.

Welcome @Malbecfan.

Is there any reason why your df wouldn't have paid care as part of the picture? It seems a big decision to drop your hours and maybe just having some paid hours would fill some gaps? I know it's not always that simple though.

Just catching up. @PermanentTemporary I hope things remain peaceful and not too drawn out. @Malbecfan welcome, pull up one of the comfy seats. It sounds like you might already be having to do enough for your Dad to qualify for attendance allowance. Maybe the money could be used for a companion or cleaner a couple of days a week. My friend has a cleaning agency and she was able to find me someone for my Dad who, as far as he was concerned was there to do his housework but in reality was giving me a couple of days off and providing a bit of company.

@Malbecfan welcome. It does sound as though he would qualify for the AA - DM gets it but won’t spend it on a cleaner (she says she’d have to clean beforehand ).

I’m with you on the fish and chips and alcohol- DM gets through three or four bottles of red a week. Why shouldn’t she?

I’m having a ‘rest’ this week as in bed with the dreaded Covid. DB has stepped up and is going to visit each day and do her shopping. I have to say that he’s been great the last few months, as if he’s realised how much I do.

@PermanentTemporary wishing you and your mother peace.

I hope I might be admitted to the cafe. There aren’t any entry qualifications! Come in and make yourself comfortable.

At 87, food is not so much about “low fat” “good healthy diet”, it’s about getting the calories in and tempting the palate in the face of declining sense of taste and smell. The meals at my father’s nursing home are supplemented by tea/coffee and cakes mid morning and mid afternoon, and both lunch and dinner come with a dessert.

@PermanentTemporary I'm thinking of you, mum's final month had several "come now" calls followed by her being up for breakfast the next morning. She was happy enough but I was constantly on edge.

@Malbecfan at 88 I was told to forget everything I knew about healthy eating and go for the opposite as it was all about getting enough calories into someone who ate like a sparrow. That included little bowls of nuts and squares of chocolate at hand to absently nibble and if she wanted a fried lamb chop every day then she had one.

I'm a non-qualifying cafe member, mum died just over a year ago and MIL is in a residential care home so I have no caring responsibilities now. She looks better than she has in years because she eats properly and takes her medication as prescribed. It turns out that one of my persistant health issues has gone away so I'm guessing it was stress related.

Hi Malbec

Re food, sadly this message is not coming from mum's doctors but I might be doing them a disservice as she has a lot of stomach problems so that may be why they don't mention it.

However, on the geriatric ward, I couldn't help noticing they seemed obsessed by her blood sugar and just after I managed to get her to eat a banana, they commented her sugar had gone up a bit, as if it was a bad thing. It's normally very low.

Mere four chances at sweet things sounds good.

tbh I don't bother about what mum eats, as long as she's fine with it, I'm fine with it.

Re enablement team have assessed and decided that my parents don't need any further help.
In a 5 minute phone call my mum referred to dad as an aggravating b and fing unbelievable... So we're back to normal

Does that include any medical people? Just concerned re the oxygen.

I have had various health issues of my own, plus my parents, for a long time, and I have never felt so concerned about the state of things.

re food at mums care home they dont appear to be working about calories at this stage they are regularly given cakes biscuits jaffa cakes and jelly babies !!! and they try to pinch each others as well !!

In other words, what others have been saying, concentrate on getting calories in, to people with tiny appetites. I presume jelly babies are getting liquid ointo people who don’t drink much

My Dad is in a hospice, and they focus on small amounts of high calorie food. Their soups are incredible, full of cream and butter!! Dad's diabetic but they've given up worrying about his blood sugars and he was eating a ramekin of ice cream yesterday. He's eaten so little for weeks now that it's brilliant to see him eating anything, bugger what it is.