Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

[dementedma]

Help. 87 year old mum lives alone and manages reasonably well but cant go out due to poor balance and has other various age related problems. However the thing that is driving her into an ever deeper depression and suicidal thoughts is incontinence. Doctors and hospital say there is nothing they can do ( catheter suggested but she cant manage that due to arthritic hands etc). Constantly wetting bed at night despite enormous pads, padded pants etc etc. Have mattress covers etc but it is driving her mad, tearful,stressed etc. She "floods" when she stands up,sresses about being smelly. Her skin is red and painful despite Sudocrem, changing often,tried every pad under the sun etc. She sits crying because she doesnt want to go on any more. Anyone any new ideas? ( tried all the obvious stuff)

[OnthePiste]

@dementedma

Help. 87 year old mum lives alone and manages reasonably well but cant go out due to poor balance and has other various age related problems. However the thing that is driving her into an ever deeper depression and suicidal thoughts is incontinence. Doctors and hospital say there is nothing they can do ( catheter suggested but she cant manage that due to arthritic hands etc). Constantly wetting bed at night despite enormous pads, padded pants etc etc. Have mattress covers etc but it is driving her mad, tearful,stressed etc. She "floods" when she stands up,sresses about being smelly. Her skin is red and painful despite Sudocrem, changing often,tried every pad under the sun etc. She sits crying because she doesnt want to go on any more. Anyone any new ideas? ( tried all the obvious stuff)

Oh gosh how awful for your DM, I do feel for her. I assume she is under the incontinence team and has been referred to Urology? Could she have a catheter and have it changed by the district nurses? Not ideal but got to be better than the state she is in now.

[BestIsWest]

Your poor DM. Watching with interest as mine is beginning to have similar problems and complaining about soreness. Wish I had advice for you.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Could she have a catheter and have it changed by the district nurses? I guess the problem is managing the fiddly tap to empty the bag …. Hmmm, I wonder if there exists, or one could make, a handle to slip over the tap and open it, or use something that would give more grip.

[thesandwich]

Thanks for the new shiny thread@MereDintofPandiculation
dms carers use puppy pads in her bed, and she has an air cushion the district nurse suggested. Also barrier creams prescribed.
I haven’t questioned too closely 🫣

[Fantasea]

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you for the new thread.

@dementedma so sorry to hear about your DM's incontinence, it must be miserable for her.

[Lightuptheroom]

@dementedma my dad has no feeling at all in his fingers, his catheter is supplied by 'great bear' and is a lever you push up to empty and push down to close, a bit like a lever tap. Everything else to do with the catheter is handled by the district nurses.

[Chevyimpala67]

Hello all 👋
Hope you're all ok?
After some months of me gently mentioning mums hand tremors - snd her shirting me down immediately - she has asked me to get her an appointment to see tye Dr tomorrow.
I think she has parkinsons.
Whilst I'm glad she's accepting she has (another) issue I'm also worried.
She's lost even more weight. Her legs are like sticks.
My siblings are being as helpful as ever (bitter laughter...)
I'm 50 in a couple of weeks and feel utterly trapped between the needs of my dh and dc and mum.
I hope you'll all "get" what I'm about to say...(apologies if you're offended)
My parents had lost all their parents by the time they were 30 (both youngest children of large families..) so got to enjoy their children's childhood.
No looking after older family with significant health issues.
My pils are the same. All their parents gone by the time they were 35.
So they don't really understand the stress/difficulties that I am going through.
Not that they'd care tbh.
I'm totally fed up.
It's just going to get worse and worse
(Moan, moan,moan....)

[thesandwich]

@Chevyimpala67 I hear you …. Welcome, rant away, there’s room for all here.
hope tomorrow is useful.

[Chevyimpala67]

@thesandwich

@Chevyimpala67 I hear you …. Welcome, rant away, there’s room for all here.
hope tomorrow is useful.

Hi @thesandwich 👋
Hope you're OK?
X

[Tupperwarelid]

@Chevyimpala67 i know exactly what you mean. Both my DH and I are in our 50s with all parents still alive and a 16 and 14 year old. It’s tough and I’m constantly exhausted. You have my sympathies.

[Chevyimpala67]

@Tupperwarelid

@Chevyimpala67 i know exactly what you mean. Both my DH and I are in our 50s with all parents still alive and a 16 and 14 year old. It’s tough and I’m constantly exhausted. You have my sympathies.

Thank you x
It's tough, isn't it?
Its even harder when the elderly in question don't really have any quality of life/enjoyment.
It all just feels blerugh

[Chevyimpala67]

@Tupperwarelid

@Chevyimpala67 i know exactly what you mean. Both my DH and I are in our 50s with all parents still alive and a 16 and 14 year old. It’s tough and I’m constantly exhausted. You have my sympathies.

I have a 19 and 14 year old. The gcse treadmill starts again here in January :(
Getting ds1 through his a levels during covid was very stressful.
19 year old is at university but still at home.
They are great kids (I'm biased 😉) but they aren't getting the best of me, for sure 😞

[Chevyimpala67]

...oh...and moving mum from her home of 50 years during that time too! 😬😵‍💫🙄😰

[chesterelly1]

Waves to my fellow sandwich middles. DH and I are in the middle of 2 increasingly needed DF (both our DM have passed away) and 3 DC, one in final year of university, 1 final year of school, and 1 starting Nat 5s (our gcse). The DC need us less and less but it's Sod's law that the dad's have a crisis when there's parents night or a flat move or a football final.

[Chevyimpala67]

@chesterelly1

Waves to my fellow sandwich middles. DH and I are in the middle of 2 increasingly needed DF (both our DM have passed away) and 3 DC, one in final year of university, 1 final year of school, and 1 starting Nat 5s (our gcse). The DC need us less and less but it's Sod's law that the dad's have a crisis when there's parents night or a flat move or a football final.

Yeah...
Always something isn't there?

[Fantasea]

@Chevyimpala67 it must be so tough juggling all of that, please rant away! My DD is an adult now but if I take myself back to her teenage years, the thought of having to deal with my DM as well is just too much. What with school and exams, all their activities and the fact that they just need you 'there' to listen to their friendship worries and general angst, you must feel pulled in all directions.

I hear you on the fact that your parents and PIL were spared looking after older family. I've often thought that when my DM was in her mid-fifties like me, she was completely off the hook - her mother was in good health and my aunt was the one who lived a few minutes from her so must have done all the other stuff.

[Chevyimpala67]

Thank you for understanding 💙
It all feels a bit bleak at times
Pils are getting older too and starting to have health issues for the first time
I've been caring for kids/mum for 20 years now and no end in sight
I guess I wouldn't feel so down if mum and I were closer.

[Fantasea]

@Chevyimpala67 I also think it would be so much easier if my DM and I were closer. I sometimes wish I liked her more as then perhaps I wouldn't feel so resentful.

[Chevyimpala67]

@Fantasea

@Chevyimpala67 I also think it would be so much easier if my DM and I were closer. I sometimes wish I liked her more as then perhaps I wouldn't feel so resentful.

Yes.
Absolutely

[ChiefFinderOuter]

My children are 6 and 8, and I work 30 hours a week. I feel like I am constantly running around after someone else, trying to fit in visits to dm, at her home, and df in a care home, around all the cubs, beavers, football, swimming, homework etc, and keep some semblance of order in the house. If I mention I’m tired my dm tells me to go running less, which gives me the rage. I go three times a week and that is literally the only time I get to myself.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Dealing with elderlies when you’re 70 yourself is a strain - just not the energy of your 50s - but I have to admit it’s better than coping with children too. Especially as adult children can offer support.

[Chevyimpala67]

Got mum am appointment at 5pm
She's just told me she regrets cancelling her colonoscopy and wants to get it re arranged
<pulls out hair>
Argh

[Chevyimpala67]

Sigh.
More bloods
Dietician referral
Got to phone consultants secretary about colonoscopy
I'm going to ask my sister to take her to her blood test as it's a weekend appointment 🙃

[Knackeredandstressed]

Another sandwich filling here - it's utterly exhausting!
I have DC x 2 at Uni, DHs health has deteriorated rapidly this year (no further treatment available), DF (88) is in a nursing home following a massive stroke and is basically "locked in", DUncle (93- his brother, no kids, I have his POA) is in another nursing home with vascular dementia. I now wfh PT to care for DH, and have carers come in to help 3 times a week. He needs turning twice a night. Constantly feel I'm dashing around between health crises (both DF and DUnc have had to go to A&E this month) and getting DC to Uni. I'm just shattered with it all.
DB is living his best life, visits DF for maybe 2 hours a year, although you wouldnt know that from his social media updates - all fake "love them" crap on birthdays etc. DB can't be trusted with their finances (caught him writing himself cheques on DFs account, and I made him pay the money back to DF).
I love him, but dislike him intensely. The one person in all this who I thought I could rely on turns out to be a total d*