Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain i was wondering how you were? Please report.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Sadly not.

Omg @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain that is shocking, I think the police need to be involved as well as SS. He sounds like a predator..so sorry you have got to deal with all this.

@OnthePiste yeah I think you're right. BiL said the same.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain as @OnthePiste has said, he is in a position of trust with vulnerable adults. I know this is very hard but it needs to be reported immediately as this person needs to be suspended at the very least. The safeguarding team at your local authority also need to be informed quickly (there will be a duty line) timeline is unimportant.

Just had the obligatory goodnight phone call with mum.

Just talking to her is excruciating at the moment under the circumstances.

I know she's as much as 'victim' as anything but there so much going in my head at the moment I just can't engage with her in the same way.

It reminds me of when I was planning to leave XH...particularly if he was being nice/loving...I suppose its a complicated version of The Ick.

on top of the fact the conversations are about the most boring ones it's impossible to engage in. I really could not give less of a shit about her neighbour's extension.-

Ah yes, my mum is expert at telling me about 'little Maureen round the corners daughter' I have no idea who she's talking about!!!

Minty It’s hard enough to summons the strength to do the reporting let alone take the flak from the fallout. It’s definitely Olympic standard roller coastering. New territory you never anticipated.

Oh Minty that is awful. I can only imagine how hard it must be to navigate. I don't suppose your DM will ever see herself as a victim but reporting is the right thing to do. Your initial instinct about L was right but your DM was already under his thrall.

There are points in her correspondence with friends and him where she acknowledges that I've made it clear his behaviour is not on, alludes to whether or not he might have form, and admits she probably should have head more sense than to allow herself to get caught up in him.

She's emotionally vulnerable but she's an intelligent woman. A bit forgetful and not so good with tech and gadgets as she used to be, but otherwise sharp as a tack.

I don't know how much to include the correspondence in my report as it's mum's personal communications that I've stopped into.

Tbh I was hoping to find evidence that her imagination had been running riot and she'd vastly blown things out of proportion.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

I think the scenario you have found yourself in is a traumatic one , but one you have to ' rip the plaster off ' and report to everyone and all asap.
Once the shit hits the fan then be sympathetic towards your mother , whilst letting her know ( as I'm sure she is aware ) that you were unhappy with the situation.
She does not need to know you ripped that plaster.

If I found that my son had been looking through my emails or diary, even if it was for my own good, it would take me a long time to come back from that. Unless you have express permission to do so it's a massive invasion of privacy. She's a competant adult and is as free to make stupid decisions as the rest of us, the issue is with him. He was in her house in a position of trust and has abused that trust by not backing away from this at the outset.

It's a really difficult position you're in because you can't use that information that you shouldn't have. I thought after the last complaint that there had been an agreement that they wouldn't be communicating through personal channels?

@Knotaknitter yes, in theory I totally agree with you. I would also got batshit under normal circumstances if someone did that to me.

It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do on multiple levels but for large chunks of the whole debacle I have been genuinely unsure how much of it was him and how much was her on a flight of fantasy. My fear was that I'd report and it would turn out there was some kind of mental health/dementia thing going on and it was all, if not untrue, then massively misrepresented.

Some of the documents I have seen are ones she's asked me if I want to read previously and I've declined. She's also often asked me things about messaging and given me access to the platform to help her.

Doesn't make it any better really but I haven't been stealing passwords or hacking accounts!

I have written a bullet pointed timeline of events and edited to ensure that nothing is on there that she hasn't disclosed to me herself and I won't be sharing any 'evidence'.

@KittyCatsby there is no way she will not realise it's me. I'm thinking I will just report as myself rather than anonymously tbh.

Also...they haven't been communicating through personal channels recently. He's just taking advantage when he's there.

When she disclosed that it had been happening again she begged me to promise not to report him. I said that wasn't what I was thinking right then (I was just thinking WTAF tbh) but that I couldn't promise her that.

MintyCedric It sounds to me as if your mum in many ways wants you to report the situation and take action? If she was really happy with the relationship, she would be keeping it hidden from you. I think in her mind she is torn between wanting to have company but knowing that this person is taking advantage and this is not a healthy dynamic. That's not to say that she won't give you grief when you report but I really don't think you have a choice!

@unfortunateevents the close friend I confided in said the same and I am starting to wonder if that may well be the case.

Which naturally throws in guilt for not reporting sooner (rightly so, even without mum's opinion in the mix).

I'm going to visit her shortly and will have to put on a happy/normal face before coming home to fill in the SS report form and email the agency and CQC. To be honest I don't trust the agency 100%, the staff I've dealt with previous have often been obstructive, unhelpful and snarky.

The coming week is going to be absolutely horrific.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain If it's genuine affection then it won't matter if there is a change of care agencies, they can still see each other except he won't be being paid to do it. He'll see her on his own time rather than as his job. If she doesn't think he feels enough about her to do that then she needs to look in the mirror and tell herself that she's worth more than that and there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Oh gosh, @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain, before you know it you have the carer moving in and it's ok because they're "really nice". At least it seems that your DM may have developed some insight? Mine still thinks that the 'carer' that pounced on her immediately after my dad's funeral is a kindly friend. I'm the evil one for questioning their motives.
Our elders can be so vulnerable but it's so difficult to help ☹️.

Oh he's told her he doesn't want marriage or a live in relationship with anybody.

Playing the field much? The big question is what does DM want? If she wants A Relationship she can do better than this.

It is difficult to face life on your own when you've spent so much time as half a couple but many people do it and she could too, if that's what she wants.

Oh no Minty! Don’t really want to ask this….but are you sure her finances are safe?

Pretty certain.

Tbh her finances are the least of my worries right now.

Another sandwich filler here though with dcs now adults it is a bit easier in that they can (sometimes) drive DM to appointments or pick up shopping for her. She is 87 and lives alone. I work full time,have fibro and am permanently exhausted. My DF was in care locally until he dued 18 months ago. Youngest DC still at home( 20) as well as eldest ( 30 with mh problems) so its a full workload. Social work visit today so hopefully that will generate some more help

Meds situation not as bad as I feared so can keep my usual schedule from that point of view but will have to go up mid-week to put the new ones in the pivotell as they won't be delivered before DB leaves. But big deterioration in her mental state, kept telling me about all sorts of stuff that I know she has never done - big holiday destinations and the like. It was really wierd just nodding and smiling while thinking WTF. Asked me how FIL is, reminded her he died in July. 5 minutes later she's asking again. Asked if DB2 still lives in a town he has never lived in and if DH had changed jobs again as she can't keep up with all his changes. He's been doing the same thing for nearly 12 years and has never been a job hopper.

FFS mum’s hip replacement op was due to take place on Thursday. It’s just been cancelled as surgeon had to fly abroad for a family emergency. Last month it was cancelled because they didn’t have enough hip joints! Fingers crossed for next month, 3rd time lucky and all that. Luckily the home Dad was going into for respite care can still have him for the new date. I’m knackered.