Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Mum told me over the phone that she thought it was hilarious that she 'lost' my dad in town.... He apparently moved from where she told him to sit just to spite her for having a bit of a rant in the morning!!!! In a 10 minute phone call she repeated herself word for word 3 times yet still nobody wants to check her out.. she's still driving...
On being told that I now have to go into the office she replied 'thats nice, it gets you out of the house'

@Tupperwarelid that's so frustrating.
@Lightuptheroom sounds just like my mum. The problem we had was her first assessment was over the phone (due to covid restrictions) with no one rlse with her which meant she could deploy all her coping strategies without the GP realising. Eg they gave her s phrase to remember snd she wrote it down so she repeated it perfectly at yhe end, asked what time of year she referred to her daily paper, time of day checked the clock. DB convinced the GP to repeat it with him there and as soon as he took away the paper she didn't have a clue what year or season it was.

Well I submitted the report to SS online Monday night, downloaded a copy and emailed to agency.

SS called me late yesterday afternoon. Mum called a couple of hours later...he's been suspended, her reaction was much as you'd expect.

Only time will tell whether our relationship will recover.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain hugs to you, you have done exactly as required xx

You did the right thing

Which is rarely the easy thing

Lots of love x

Nothing else you could have done, Minty.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain you had no real choice.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain a hard decision for you to make but there was no other option. You may well find that once an investigation starts, your mum is not the only one he's targeted. Perhaps when your DM is made aware of this, she will see that you did the right thing.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain you've done the right thing and that can't have been easy. Thinking of you Xxx

Hi everyone.

Sorry, I posted and then vanished..... I had a really difficult weekend mentally, and I become really introverted. I just want to stay in the house and be with my family - I rested and slept a lot. Apart from a shopping trip!

Is it possible for the narcissistis-ness to increase?! DM is now trying to guilt trip me into going round there by telling me that my DF "misses me". I know he wouldn't say that and have double checked with the carer! I'm refusing to go round at the moment because we have Covid doing the rounds at work. And on that subject I shall be really p'd off if I get it because we're going on hols in October half term.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain I'm horrified at the situation you've found yourself in, but you've definitely done the right thing.

@Lightuptheroom Oh gosh! We had the driving issue with my DF, although Covid pretty much prevented him from going anywhere for ages as my sister and I got them everything that they couldn't get online. By the time he wanted to go out again, he definitely couldn't drive. And sold the car just a few months ago. He was very cross with me though!!

@Definitelynotme2022 do we have the same mother???? She rings and tells me that she's only ringing as my dad is worried about me... Then proceeds into a full blown rant about his (many) failings....

@Lightuptheroom 😯I think we do!!! This is exactly what mine does....

@Definitelynotme2022 my mum still uses my dad...even in the current circumstances and despite the fact he passed away nearly 18 months ago.

"Your father would be enraged at what you have done to me..."

I could have come back with a very cutting reply but decided to be the bigger person.

Well done, @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

Nn change here
(Was Chevyimpala67...)

Mum continues to deteriorate (imo)
Very Shaky now, can't walk without a stick, losing weight, forgetting things...

I've taken her stool sample and bp readings to the surgery today, they should have the blood results by now and have e mailed the gp about re reffering her for the colonoscopy. Flu jab next week.

Ds1 is having a "crisis" wrt one of his university modules. He wants to switch. Simple after only 2 days you might think? Oh no. No one to talk to, e mails state they might get back to you in 3 days but it will be more like a week. Except the deadline is Friday. I won't comment on the fact the module he wants to switch to is the one I advised him to take when he asked me my thoughts. Arrgghhhhh!!

So tomorrow will be more e mails to try and figure out who he needs to talk to. And he's got a dose of freshers flu so is feeling rather sorry for himself.

It's my big birthday this weekend and mum has given me some money which is nice.

I just seem to be in stasis when not dealing with the crises of various family members lately.

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton Crikey you’re certainly in the thick of it. Much sympathy - and happy big birthday!,

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton happy impending birthday!

Ah university...we're in the thick of UCAS application, personal statement, EPQ and LNAT prep atm. Off for an open day next weekend. It's pretty relentless, not least as XH refuses to get involved in any of it on the grounds that 'its not my decision to make, is it?'

In other news mum came round this afternoon...to get her house key back. She is totally in denial...prepared to defend him. I think all she can see is that they are two adults and in the literal sense she was consenting. No awareness of the context whatsoever.

Thank you 😊
Hope you're doing OK?

I - hilariously - thought my kids would need me less as they grew older! <hollow laughter>

Good luck with UCAS and open days...ds1s were mostly virtual (pointless imho) but he did get to 3 in person ones.

It felt like all we did for weeks!

Give her the key back @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain
You know you've done the right thing. It's unlikely that your mum is his only victim, sadly.

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton your son needs to contact the module leader, it should be on their timetable online... Might need to phone them rather than email.. if can't find who it is google the name of the uni and student services on the uni website and tell him to ring that number, lot of departments don't really answer emails until they start back so worth finding out from student services how they do a switch around

My youngest moved out in August having come home for a while after Uni so I’m in the ‘fortunate’ position of only having DM to run around after.

She broke my heart last night though. She’d lost part of one of her hearing aids (they are a nightmare tbh - she’s always fiddling with them, losing one, breaking them). She broke down in tears saying she didn’t want to go on anymore. I have to say it got to me. She isn’t one to cry -I’ve rarely seen it. I genuinely think she has had enough. I gave her a big hug but feel so helpless. I can manage the practical side of things at the moment - but I am no use when it comes to her happiness.

Missing part turned up later still behind her ear apparently.

@BestIsWest the hardest thing for me is knowing I can not make my mum happy but she thinks I can and that I am refusing to do it.

Before she went into hospital last year she was scarily depressed - even when I was with her she was sitting with her head in her hands saying how lonely and down she was. Now she thinks she can come home and be happy. She still hopes to come home for Christmas. I really have spent my life trying to make her happy and now at the end of her life it can't be done.

It’s so hard isn’t it @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I hate the fact that I can't see a time when it will be better - she has hated being away from me for the past year - she was used to me being on call 24/7 and now she only sees me for an hour every week. Even though I am married and have been for nearly 40 years she has had me there the whole time. In some ways it feels cruel that I am no longer on hand all the time and then I look at my own adult children and think how I would hate to impose on them like she did on me.

It could be lack of oestrogen - could ask her GP for some local oestrogen cream or pessaries. It's not as well known as it should be that bladder weakness and urgency is a meno symptom and that vagifem pessaries or Estriol cream are a very safe fix. She would need to stay on this for life.