Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

This a "me, me, me" post before I read back and catch up, and a virtual scream or 3!

DF got taken into hospital on Friday evening - suspected UTI with associated delirium. And today DM is being taken in, right now. She COPD and heart failure and her CO2 levels are too high and additional oxygen won't flush it through.

I'm meant to be going on holiday in 10 days.......

@devicelab is a live in carer an option?
This is what we've done for my parents, but I believe the cost is similar to a care home. Although it sounds like the best place for her is a CH. Is she sociable? Can you sell it from that angle?

@countrygirl99 Have you heard from dm? If she's not talking to you then I'd wait for her to come to you.

@ChiefFinderOuter This is exactly how I feel! Neither of my parents have any quality of life, and they expect everyone else to provide this. My df would be devastated if he realised how he's being, he categorically wouldn't want to live. I also have very strong feelings about this for myself, I'm simply not doing this to my children.

@Definitelynotme2022 haven't heard anything from mumbut that isn't unusual. She usually waits for people to phone her them complainshe hasn't heard from you in ages even if you visited 2 days ago.
I should be getting her new antidepressants to put in the pivotell in the next couple of days, that's been a bit of a saga and the pack is well travelled, so I'll have to go up after work when they arrive. Trying hard to think of something tactful/diverting to say if she goes on about the paperwork again. I can't think of anything other than totally ignoring it at the moment.
Last time I was up there was a "you were out" card from a British Gas engineer because she had booked a boiler service then gone out. She said they came on the wrong day but the card matched her calendar so she had done her usual thing of not knowing what day it was. But she still reckons she is totally capable of running her affairs and it was totally the engineer at fault. The trouble is this sort of thing is a regular occurrence, if we know when things are booked we can remind her/ be there but if she does it it goes to pot every time.

She even phoned the optician apologising for missing an appointment the previous day that she had attended and ordered expensive new glasses. 6 months later she tried to make another appointment because she was convinced she hadn't been for 2 or 3 years.

Morning all x

Got to mums this morning to get greeted with "look at this text!"

It's from the Dr's surgery. Her FIT test has ome back positive so she should be on a 2 week wait for a colonoscopy. You know, the test she cancelled a few weeks ago?

Sigh.

"That's me done. I've got cancer"

• No mum, it's to see why there is blood in your stool. You had an abdominal CT a few months ago and nothing was found. Try not to panic.

I think it might be her diverticulitis tbh.

Of course, it could be cancer. I just doubt it's bowel cancer.

Dh away - of course - so no one to talk to about it except you guys...

Hope you're all ok x

I hope everyone is OK. I am not posting much, partly because I have had such varying events around DM, I haven't quite known what to say. Also partly because I have made a determined step away from the saga, with the aid of my lovely therapist, and have been involved with life and work instead.

In a nutshell, DM has been put on, and taken off, "end of life care" no fewer than three times. She is now fine, basically, no sign of "end of life". If she wasn't busy complaining, she'd be quite pleased about that in a 'fuck you all' sort of way.

What you say about no quality of life but looking to everyone else to provide it Definitelynotme strikes a chord. I've come to the conclusion that it's basically unsolvable and I don't try to now.

I just want to give a tiny wave in a big universe to everyone who is going through the overwhelming cycle of coping with parents as they age significantly, this forum has taught me so much about how alone families are with this and how daughters (mostly) bear the brunt. The logistics and admin and trying to get help or funding alone are frightening without adding in all the fraught relationships. I think an artistic person could come up with a Game of Thrones style heraldic design for the House of Cockroach that we could all wear as a badge of honour.

Hi Dot! Good to hear that you’re beginning to be able to step away emotionally.

My dad has had two episodes where the family has been told to gather, most recently 8 months ago, and still he goes on. I guess it’s just difficult to know what’s happening with a person of that age

Hello all- good to see you@BinaryDot and so glad you are stepping away.
love the idea of the cockroach heraldic design.
sorry can’t add anything wise or useful to pp…. Just lots of sympathy and I hear you- especially about them wanting us to provide the quality of life……

Went to mum'slast night to load new tablets into pivotell. She was moaning that she "stayed in all day waiting for a gas engineer" because " the heating isn't working". Except she went line dancing in the morning so would have been out 2 hours for that, more if they stood chatting as usual and she had vaccinations at the GP in the afternoon. I checked she hadn't turned the central heating off and forgotten (happened multiple times before) so yhe most likely problem is that the thermostat is in the living room and she had the electric fire on at a tropical level of heating there (also a frequent occurrence). She no longer understands the principal of a thermostat. Apparently she is going to phone British Gas this morning and give them a price of her mind at leaving an elderly lady with no heating. I'm staying out of it.

@countrygirl99 oh that all sounds very familiar! DM now has a mobile hive thermostat and doesn’t understand it at all - I keep finding it on top of the fireplace (same tropical heat). Every time I go there I have to move it into the kitchen.

She’s actually on good form at the moment though she had a fall in the garden at the weekend and didn’t tell anyone until we questioned why she had a black eye.

Hi all. I've been on mn for years but never realised this board existed. What a relief to find other sandwichers.
I've already said on another thread, but I do recommend Happy go Lucky by David Sedaris. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea, but one of the things he writes about is being a child of a difficult parent when you are aging yourself.
Being DS he is quite brutal, but (when one feels quite brutal oneself) it's quite a relief.

I just wanted to pop on to send best wishes to those who frequent the cockroach cafe. It's really sobering to read the realities of helping aging parents .

My parents emigrated to Australia for retirement about 15 years ago - my only sibling lives there. It's a completely dysfunctional marriage and as a result (divide and conquer with the children) no-one in the family gets on. They've cut me off completely and I've had no contact for a number of years including NC with my sister. I was very, very, very upset at the time about their general behaviour when they flounced out but as my lovely DH has said, it's probably a blessing for me because they can't moderate their behaviour and they are bullies.
Anyway, they are late 70s, early 80s now, difficult and my mother is reclusive, a functioning alcoholic and can't drive. I don't have any of the responsibility or worry but am sad about how things have ended up. It's not want I wanted for them iykwim. My heart goes out to those on this thread though who are trying to balance their lives and their care for older relatives. 🌷

I feel a fraud coming on here, given how difficult it is for many posters. My mum is 92 and lives independently, and my dear sister works her socks off for her.
But that is partly because my mum has refused to make sensible life choices - no, she won't move out of her large, aging house, and she does still drive.
I have grandchildren, and I would frankly prefer to focus on them but my mum is always going on, in her special droopy voice, about how much she wants to see them. We visited yesterday (so 5 hours driving altogether) with my son and his daughters (who are 1 and 3) and the last thing she said was that she wanted to see the other gc's. Nothing is EVER enough.
She only is interested in controlling us - getting my 70-year-old DH pick fruit, clean windows etc, and me to take assorted crap that she has hoarded off her hands.
The trouble with this, is that it's good to vent, but I feel like an absolute bitch typing it out.

Well you don't come across like that Sausagenbacon

The thing about the Australian set up is that my sibling takes the view that she should leave them to get on with things, partially because they are difficult but she's also busy with work, hobbies and kids. Before the 'breakup' with me they admitted that she steers clear of them. Anyway I've no contact now - occasionally I google to see if they are still alive (looking for Australian funeral notices because I won't be informed)

thank you for that humo bean . All this just goes against our conditioning, doesn't it?

It does Sausagenbacon. I think we all just want them to be happy. As someone once wrote, 'Folk are as happy as they decide to be'.

I think it’s all very difficult. I feel somewhere in the middle, having dealt with a stubborn father but myself being at the age when MNters feel I should be decluttering and moving into a nice warm easy to manage flat. DH is almost 80 with stage 4 cancer, and as I go round the house I notice all the little jobs I rely on him doing. There’s things on the high shelf of the larder that are too heavy for me to lift down, I need stuff out of the roof, eyesight means I find night driving difficult. Don’t know any tradesman that will do the first two, and long distance taxis (or hotels so I can drive home next day) cost huge amounts. So I understand why elderly people greet their visiting DC with a long list of “little” jobs, or are always talking wistfully about not seeing enough of grandchildren.

I think though that some people won't outsource work to people outside the family. If they can't do it themselves they'll ask relatives who are not always young themselves.

Taking down a photograph album from a now too high shelf is reasonable but lots of gardening and window cleaning might be too much for some relatives.

Big old houses, while holding lots of happy memories, can be such a burden.

As with everything, context and history matter.

By which I mean, if I'd had a closer, more mutually supportive and less toxic relationship with my mother, I would have been more inclined to help a bit longer, and maybe found the process a bit more fulfilling.

But at the end of the day, Care home was the only viable option and we both recognised that.

Hello again, cockroach sandwiches! I've been quietly following your updates. Respect to you all for everything that you're dealing with.
My DM has been a bit unwell recently. Thankfully not too serious but it's given us all a glimpse of the possible future reality of caring. Juggling home, work, travel to and fro for DM, offspring was somewhat neglected and then I had a couple of evil colds. In a way, it was a useful experience as we saw how much it relied on me fully functioning. Mum apparently noticed and had even raised the prospect of finding somewhere more manageable to live - but not just yet, though! Anyway she's much better now and that idea hasn't been mentioned since. The crisis will just have to happen. Now it's half term so I'm going to be doing some overdue mum duties but this evening I'm meeting an old friend and totally ignoring my family 😁

I do see that @MereDintofPandiculation . I'm starting the shift to a different life stage now that ds has left home (he may of course come back) and am eyeing up possible futures with some trepidation.

I've no doubt you'll work things out but it has to be said that rationalising and relocating stuff into places I can reach myself doesn't have to be followed by moving. My dream is an empty loft. This is quite a long way off. I'm a couple of steps nearer to it this year than I was a few months ago though.

God I'd delete that if I could. My partner has stafe II cancer and that's quite bad enough. I hope your dh is coping with whatever treatment he's getting. X

Thank, @PermanentTemporary , yes he’s not had the full gamut of horrible side effects, thanks. Hope yours is doing well too.