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Elderly parents
Original poster

Tired of paying MIL bills

149 replies

Meklk · 02/04/2022 19:46

Sorry for my English, I'm not British but I really like this website and looking for advice...
We renting a house in London together with my father in law. So there were 3 adults (FIL, husband,me) and one child (my son) .
We never had any issues, I really like my father in law, he helped us with childcare in the past, very nice and friendly guy. I was all the time cooking for all of us, cleaning, helping him with laundry,etc.
My mother in law used to live in other country. And January, 2022 she decided she wants to live in UK, together with us. I was happy that my son will spend more time with his grandparents, my husband missed his mother too.
But... That women is like 5 extra persons in house- she showering minimum 3 times a day, using dishwasher with 2 dirty plates after every single meal, washing machine and thumbler dryer working NON STOP 24/7. Every single night I'm waking from heat,she put thermostat on 25 degrees. I just got the bill for gas and electricity and almost fainted.
My husband tried to spoke with her that we still sharing all the costs between him, his father and me and it's quite tough to be honest, we pay for childcare until September, I have reduced hours because my illness.
She was soooo upset, she was crying all evening that we don't respect her,that she is too old to work (she is 53). It was very polite conversation, I even offered to try some "saving' ideas,like wash our work uniforms together, etc.She said she worked enough in her life and doesn't want to feel cold or keep dirty clothes in laundry basket.
I still trying to be nice with everyone but this situation drives me crazy. I'm going to work with terrible pains ( I'm cleaner and have arthritis) and have to spend all money for bills. I would better buy my son some toys rather than pay massive bills.
Should I try to speak with her? Or leave it for my husband?

OP posts:
woodhill · 03/04/2022 12:53

@Meklk

She doesn't receive any rent payments, she would never let her house for someone... She is very manipulated, I believe it's quite hard for fil to keep his finances on track. When the weather got cold she was crying that she can't go outside, it's too cold. Then she asked fil to buy some winter jacket, it costs £200, after few days she was complaining again that's too hot with that jacket. Fil suggested to check Primark, she was crying all evening until he agreed to buy her MK jacket which costs the same £200. She HAS jackets, shoes,etc.She could survive 2 years without buying any clothes. It was a huge fight about hairdresser costs, fil said he won't pay£100 every few weeks, she was crying around one week that she won't go outside with grey roots. She is blond, even if she didn't have her hairs done, she looks ok,not a big difference..
Tell her to use a home colourant?

Who needs to spend £200 on a coat, she could go to a charity shop

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/04/2022 12:55

Too old to work??? I'm 60 and work in the NHS full time and intend to until I'm 70.
I couldn't put up with that.

Lampzade · 03/04/2022 12:59

She is only 53 and she thinks that she is too old to work. I thought that I had heard everything.
It is your dh that needs to deal with this

Maireas · 03/04/2022 13:01

She seems to have crying as a default reaction.
It sounds like no one's ever said "no" to her.

Original poster
Meklk · 03/04/2022 13:27

Yes, she can't accept any NO. This is the reason she wasn't able to work somewhere in UK. She used to call ambulance to her workplace to make a drama, was fighting with every single manager, supervisor or collegue.
My husband had very difficult childhood too, I'm pretty sure in UK kids would be taken away from her. He used to work to have money for clothes and food from the very early age.
We all had a hope that she will be better once her first grandchild was born...

OP posts:
Limer · 03/04/2022 13:35

We all had a hope that she will be better once her first grandchild was born...

Why on EARTH did you entertain this idea?

Now you know she isn't better, in fact she's worse, what are you going to do? She won't change magically by herself.

Binglebong · 03/04/2022 13:53

I hate to ask this but is part of the reason that you and DH are unwilling to put your foot down or split households that you fear she will become worse for your FIL?

Original poster
Meklk · 03/04/2022 14:22

To be honest- I'm pretty sure she will have a massive drama with fil, and she won't talk to us until the end of the life. The same for my son- she won't even ask how he is.

OP posts:
PrawnMeringue · 03/04/2022 14:31

Honestly - I'm gobsmacked. What an horrific situation. I don't think showing your MIL the bills will make any difference. Your husband has to deal with this or your marriage will suffer. Don't let that happen.

I wish you all the best OP. You don't have to put up with this.

PermanentTemporary · 03/04/2022 16:59

The more you update, the more it sounds as if your MIL may have a personality disorder - her behaviour and reactions are so extreme.

It sounds incredibly unlikely that she would ever go to a doctor and you're not responsible for her, but it might be helpful to look some stuff up in terms of working out your own boundaries. Maybe look up histrionic personality disorder.

Kirstos1 · 03/04/2022 18:08

I honestly don't know what to suggest. I don't think showing her the bills will help in the slightest, she obviously thinks she's above paying for things. But no sensible person would put the washer on for a tea towel, it actually beggars belief, and that's regardless of the cost of power now. Is she just doing it for attention or to somehow prove that she can do whatever she wants.

You and your hubby need to move out and leave her and FIL to it I think. I would be raging about the 'i have cancer and can't work' comment from a 53 year old. She obviously deliberately sabotages jobs she has had in the past too.

Crying if someone says no is a terrible example for your little one too.

Octomore · 03/04/2022 18:15

Take the plugs off the appliances, or remove the fuses. You choose when the appliances get run, not her.

If she wants to behave like a child, she can be treated like one. If she has an issue with that, she can either pay her way or move out.

It's a harsh approach, but you can't have a rational conversation with someone who behaves like this.

alexdgr8 · 03/04/2022 18:37

i feel sorry for your FIL too.
would he ever consider a legal separation, as i'm guessing divorce is off the cards.
at least if he could legally separate their finances, he could have some kind of reasonable life. he sounds like a nice guy to have around.
but he may have been so manipulated by her over the years, that he won't feel able to get away from her.
she has no conscience. she won't change. she is like a whirling flail, spreading destruction to anything within her orbit.
all you can do is get far enough away. pity if FIL has to suffer, when he us has suffered a lot already. although, as a father, he should have tried to protect his son when he was a child from her excesses, which led to abuse by neglect.
don't let her totally selfish narcissistic behaviour affect the next generation too.

Sparks79 · 03/04/2022 19:17

@Octomore

Take the plugs off the appliances, or remove the fuses. You choose when the appliances get run, not her.

If she wants to behave like a child, she can be treated like one. If she has an issue with that, she can either pay her way or move out.

It's a harsh approach, but you can't have a rational conversation with someone who behaves like this.

Exactly this. Your MIL will get the picture. I'm here for this type of pettiness. Unfortunately it appears you are the one who will have to implement this, DH and FIL don't seem to have it in them. Take control, your house
Nanny0gg · 03/04/2022 19:32

@Meklk

To be honest- I'm pretty sure she will have a massive drama with fil, and she won't talk to us until the end of the life. The same for my son- she won't even ask how he is.
Not much of a loss, to be fair
brainhurts · 03/04/2022 19:33

I think pulling the plug or take fuses out is a good idea , not sure how practical it would be , I would have to pull my washing machine out to get at the plug Confused

Octomore · 03/04/2022 19:38

@brainhurts

I think pulling the plug or take fuses out is a good idea , not sure how practical it would be , I would have to pull my washing machine out to get at the plug Confused
It's massively inconvenient, yes, but this woman does not appear to respond to reasonable requests.

And no matter how inconvenient it is, it will be more convenient than paying the bills the MIL would run up otherwise.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2022 19:45

@Meklk

Thank you for your support! I think posts on this thread just opened my eyes. I am too soft too. How I can move my thread to relationships? Can I do it myself or need to ask admin?
Report your own post and ask then
rookiemere · 03/04/2022 20:13

It would be pretty tricky to remove the plug or fuse from our washing machine as it would involve pulling it out from its space every time you had to do it.

Tangelablue · 03/04/2022 20:43

Could you use a timer on the washing machine and tumble dryer plugs so they can't be used at certain times of the day? Might be easier than taking the fuse out.

brainhurts · 03/04/2022 21:38

Definitely unplug the dish washer, get her some rubber gloves.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/04/2022 21:55

My goodness she sounds hard work. Can you and your DH get out of the tenancy agreement and find somewhere else without them!

Original poster
Meklk · 04/04/2022 13:21

So, we had a conversation yesterday and it ended up like expected- she was screaming, crying, asked to call ambulance (we didn't). She bought flight tickets and coming back to her country. We have only two weeks to"survive" until her flight. I'm feeling like I just won a million! So relaxed and happy that this will end... Of course our electricity usage for the next two weeks will hit the sky, but finally she will be out.
Thank you everyone for support!

OP posts:
woodhill · 04/04/2022 13:39

Call an ambulance

What a cheek when people who are genuinely need one

woodhill · 04/04/2022 13:39

I mean I'll

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