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Elderly parents
Original poster

Tired of paying MIL bills

149 replies

Meklk · 02/04/2022 19:46

Sorry for my English, I'm not British but I really like this website and looking for advice...
We renting a house in London together with my father in law. So there were 3 adults (FIL, husband,me) and one child (my son) .
We never had any issues, I really like my father in law, he helped us with childcare in the past, very nice and friendly guy. I was all the time cooking for all of us, cleaning, helping him with laundry,etc.
My mother in law used to live in other country. And January, 2022 she decided she wants to live in UK, together with us. I was happy that my son will spend more time with his grandparents, my husband missed his mother too.
But... That women is like 5 extra persons in house- she showering minimum 3 times a day, using dishwasher with 2 dirty plates after every single meal, washing machine and thumbler dryer working NON STOP 24/7. Every single night I'm waking from heat,she put thermostat on 25 degrees. I just got the bill for gas and electricity and almost fainted.
My husband tried to spoke with her that we still sharing all the costs between him, his father and me and it's quite tough to be honest, we pay for childcare until September, I have reduced hours because my illness.
She was soooo upset, she was crying all evening that we don't respect her,that she is too old to work (she is 53). It was very polite conversation, I even offered to try some "saving' ideas,like wash our work uniforms together, etc.She said she worked enough in her life and doesn't want to feel cold or keep dirty clothes in laundry basket.
I still trying to be nice with everyone but this situation drives me crazy. I'm going to work with terrible pains ( I'm cleaner and have arthritis) and have to spend all money for bills. I would better buy my son some toys rather than pay massive bills.
Should I try to speak with her? Or leave it for my husband?

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 02/04/2022 22:10

Showering 3 times a day,running the dishwasher after every dish she uses and washing everything as soon as she uses it would still signify to me she has obsessive compulsive disorder regarding hygiene.

She won't go out to work or go out much at all:she seems abit agoraphobic;is she scared she'll pick up germs?;is she scared of catching Covid?

Tiredteacher2507 · 02/04/2022 22:11

Is this living arrangement permanent? I mean, if she is only 53 you could potentially have this problem for another 30 years! And it's only going to get worse as she gets older. You need to put a stop to it now or they need to move out.

TitsInAbsentia · 02/04/2022 22:17

You signed up fir the house with it just being fil, so if she is staying they need to move out. I know it's usual in a lot of cultures to live with family but you mil is a reason why this is a bad idea!

MintJulia · 02/04/2022 22:18

53 is not old. I'm 58, have a 13yo son, work full time, pay all the bills etc. I finish radiotherapy next week.

There's no kind way to say this but your MIL is a lazy freeloader.

Perhaps you could suggest she to go back to wherever she was living before. No wonder your FIL was happy to be here without her.

Choux · 02/04/2022 22:25

I really don't understand why she came back to UK....

I know exactly why she came back to the UK. She is living with you for free! And no one is asking her to work.

I bet where she was living before she had to pay bills, food etc. and whoever she was living with probably got sick of all the electricity and water usage.

Her husband and son should be taking the lead on telling her to not shower so much, leave the thermostat alone and no turning the dishwasher on until it's full. You need a meeting all together for them to tell her to stop and agree house rules.

Original poster
Meklk · 02/04/2022 22:26

She had referral for doctors, they denied she has OCD. She can do laundry 5 times a day but she could easily watch TV all day with 10 dirty plates on her bedside table. I personally don't think it's that.
I think the problem is that last 6-7 years she had very nice life-no job, husband sending money (he used to send her £800) monthly, we are from Eastern Europe, it's quite easy to manage with this amount, especially if you are without mortgage.
She didn't work so long that she can't imagine her"working life" now. All day she is watching TV shows, talking with friends, shopping,etc

OP posts:
brainhurts · 02/04/2022 22:31

You say you are 4 years into a 5 year lease . Maybe now is the time to say due to the increase in bills you won't be renewing the lease .
If FIL was sending her £800 this now needs to be put towards the bills .

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/04/2022 22:42

Why did she chose to live in a separate country to her husband?

Original poster
Meklk · 02/04/2022 23:01

These £800 she easily spends here. She would never buy stuff from Primark,Asda,etc. She wants only branded clothes, MK jackets, Clarks shoes.
Long time ago, 2012 they both arrived to UK. But she was working only temporary jobs,she used to fight with managers or other employees. Then few years later she had cancer, got treatment in UK and decided to go for recovery in Eastern Europe. She was trying to get some benefits and disability status in UK and abroad but she didn't manage. Her cancer was found at the very early stage and treated.
Before coming back to Europe, she was dismissed from GP as she used to go there almost every single day, fighting with reception, doctors. She got final warning that she won't receive any referrals or extra tests and she was sent to mental health clinic. But they didn't find anything wrong with her.
I believe reason why she came back to Europe-she was expecting some benefit payments there.

OP posts:
Sparks79 · 02/04/2022 23:34

Your MIL sounds like an utter nightmare. Apologies you're having to deal with this. What does you DH have to say about his mother's behaviour?

TempNameChangexx · 03/04/2022 00:13

I'm 60 and still work fulltime
Mind you, unlike your MIL, I don't have anyone who will pay my bills for me....

Choux · 03/04/2022 01:50

So she still gets the £800 she used to have to pay for bills and food in her home country and now she spends it on clothes and socialising in the UK? She needs to contribute to the household.

brainhurts · 03/04/2022 02:07

she's still getting the £800 she starts paying her share of the bills, extra actually as she showers 3 times a day and washes one tea towel.
Or FIL gives her less allowance taking her share of bills and gives her what's left

Choux · 03/04/2022 02:16

Yes you work out how much the bills have increased since she arrived and she has that deducted from her £800.

Why should you, DH and FIL pay more to have someone there who does not cook, clean, babysit or contribute to the household in any other meaningful way?

She still wouldn't be contributing to the rent so is on a very good deal even if you take £200 a month towards bills.

To be honest she sounds like a freeloader. Not paying you. Trying to get disability benefit to avoid working. Taking £800 a month from a husband she barely saw for 4 years. Has she no shame?

Unicornjazzy80 · 03/04/2022 02:28

Great idea id so do this

Ilady · 03/04/2022 02:30

She thought she get some type of benefits in the the UK. Has she even applied for benefits? She might get universal credit but to get this she need to prove she lives in the UK and she has to show she is looking for work.

Your husband and father in law need to tell her that she needs to pay her way in the house. If she is getting £800 a month she can afford to pay towards rent and bills.
She needs to be told the dish washer only goes on when full, she can't have 3 showers a day and the washing machine can only run with a full load. I put the heating on a timer also.
Your renting a home and rent is not cheap. Then electricity and gas bills have gone up by crazy amounts recently. The cost of diesel and petrol are higher. Food prices will get higher also over the next few months.
The reality is that you and your husband can't to afford support your mil.

alexdgr8 · 03/04/2022 02:31

she sounds as if she has a personality disorder, or is totally narcissistic.
what was your husband's childhood like.
sorry, don't know what to suggest.

diddl · 03/04/2022 08:01

So does FIL still give her the £800?

If so-ask him to put some or all of it towards her share of the bills.

Will he be willing to move out with her when the lease is up?

If not -then what will you do?

Does the landlord know that she is there & is OK with it?

olympicsrock · 03/04/2022 08:15

Awful situation. I don’t think them continuing to live with you is feasible.
Perhaps lay this on the line. This needs to stop. She is not allowed to put on the dishwasher, washing machine or dryer any more. You will decide when a load is done.

Eddielizzard · 03/04/2022 08:23

She is a freeloader. Lazy and entitled. Ideally she could go back to where she can afford to live like this, because she can't in the UK. What a waste of resources.

TenRedThings · 03/04/2022 08:26

Do you have a smart meter ? Can you make her watch the amount of electric she's using. She needs really clear boundaries, you are going to have to ignore her drama and set some really clear rules and if she doesn't choose to keep to them then she needs to know that she can't stay.

rookiemere · 03/04/2022 08:32

Well for a start, you can stop trying to be nice to everyone. From 1st April excessive washing machine and dishwasher use is now going to cost you an absolute fortune.

Get a smart meter and show DH and FIL how much it costs to run these things - no point showing MIL she genuinely doesn't care. Tell FIL that you're only going to pay for the share that you use as you cannot afford to subside MIL any more.

But really the only lasting solution is to move out. With the cost of energy rising it might even be cheaper to pay rent on two flats, than subsidise MILs ridiculous ways.

rookiemere · 03/04/2022 08:34

Sorry I didn't make my key point. Everyone is giving in to MIL for an easy life, therefore you have to make it more uncomfortable for your DH to do that by continually bringing this up, raising the price of her indulgence and refusing to ruin your own life and your DCs to pay for a woman who should have a job.

Onthegrid · 03/04/2022 08:48

2 things first either your DH or FIL need to man up (a phrase I hate but that feels relevant here) and tell her it’s 1 shower/wash/dishwasher per day maximum and to stop being so ridiculous.
Secondly you need to split the bills 4 ways now whether this means FIL pays half and reduces her allowance is his choice, I assume he is also in his 50s and working.
And to finish I have no idea why this is in elderly parents, that would be minimum of 70 years old. Stop thinking of your in laws as being elderly and retired or not able to work and start thinking of freeloaders and lazy people.

Roystonv · 03/04/2022 08:52

If she had £800 a month to live independently abroad then it is blindingly obvious that she does not need anywhere that amount to live with someone so it is just pocket money. A huge amount even in good times. She is never going to play ball therefore it is your fil who has to be firm. Her spendthrift habits are putting you all at risk. You have shown your love by giving her a home; she is warm, clothed, fed, safe and with loved ones - do not let her emotionally blackmail you any further.