Tired of paying MIL bills

[Meklk]

Sorry for my English, I'm not British but I really like this website and looking for advice...
We renting a house in London together with my father in law. So there were 3 adults (FIL, husband,me) and one child (my son) .
We never had any issues, I really like my father in law, he helped us with childcare in the past, very nice and friendly guy. I was all the time cooking for all of us, cleaning, helping him with laundry,etc.
My mother in law used to live in other country. And January, 2022 she decided she wants to live in UK, together with us. I was happy that my son will spend more time with his grandparents, my husband missed his mother too.
But... That women is like 5 extra persons in house- she showering minimum 3 times a day, using dishwasher with 2 dirty plates after every single meal, washing machine and thumbler dryer working NON STOP 24/7. Every single night I'm waking from heat,she put thermostat on 25 degrees. I just got the bill for gas and electricity and almost fainted.
My husband tried to spoke with her that we still sharing all the costs between him, his father and me and it's quite tough to be honest, we pay for childcare until September, I have reduced hours because my illness.
She was soooo upset, she was crying all evening that we don't respect her,that she is too old to work (she is 53). It was very polite conversation, I even offered to try some "saving' ideas,like wash our work uniforms together, etc.She said she worked enough in her life and doesn't want to feel cold or keep dirty clothes in laundry basket.
I still trying to be nice with everyone but this situation drives me crazy. I'm going to work with terrible pains ( I'm cleaner and have arthritis) and have to spend all money for bills. I would better buy my son some toys rather than pay massive bills.
Should I try to speak with her? Or leave it for my husband?

Ask for this to be moved from the Elderly Parents board. At 53, people are not elderly and most are still in full time work.
As pp have said, by treating her as elderly/otherwise limited in capacity, she is being allowed to behave like this.

She's another 14 years of working life ahead of her, she's not elderly yet by a long way. She very much is not too old to work, she has enough time to start in a job with a career path and end near the top.

Most people keep dirty clothes in a laundry basket, that's the whole point of having one. If she wants to live a princess lifestyle then she needs to have the money to fund it otherwise she's in the same boat as the rest of us, turning the heating down and wearing an extra jumper, running the washer when there's a load of clothes and a good drying day.

Forget trying to be nice with everyone, MIL has to revise her expectations and it's not going to go well. I'd ask to have this moved to relationships where you might get more focussed support.

@Meklk

Sometimes I'm thinking maybe I'm too dirty or what, but I don't think that's normal, for example: Today: *She had shower 8am, around 15mins *She put one towel and underwear for 3hrs washing *She cooked something around 11am, put on dishwasher (one pan, one plate, one fork),had shower again *Again one towel for washing *5pm one more shower and third towel with leggings and t-shirts to wash *Around 6pm she made some sandwiches and just put one tea towel for wash And it's bloody just 8 pm... I'm pretty sure it will be one more load for washing and dishwasher on..

This is crazy.

You have to sort this out it is completely financially unsustainable (not to mention the environment).

Print off the bills and the comparatives from before she came. Show her the difference - in front of everyone.

Show her the movement on the smart meter before and after she runs the 3 hr wash (WTF).

Tell her the dishwasher can be run only when completely full.

Same with washing machine.

Mention that you might need to take her to the GP as she might have OCD if she cant stop these habits.

Ignore any tears.

This is unsustainable.

Thank you for your support!
I think posts on this thread just opened my eyes. I am too soft too.
How I can move my thread to relationships? Can I do it myself or need to ask admin?

I like idea to print bills before/after, I'll do it today. Gas and Electricity will be double, I'm sure. We received our last bill on old tariff, and it's almost double.

its difficult , but i think your husband and fil need to speak to her and make it clear that she is not to keep doing what shes doing , its not her house , but she seems to think it is.
personally i think shes a lazy freeloader and the fact that shes kicking off when shes told no , well she doesnt sound like a pleasent person really , i honesly think her living with you isnt going to work , even if shes put in her place so to speak , and stops abusing the utlitys shes just going to be simmering with resentment and your going to be living with a crap atmosphere in your own home .

if she reacts badly to being spoken to then it may be best she moves out again , either that or you show her the increased bills your incurring compared to the ones before she came and tell she has to pay some of that 800 pounds towards them if she wants to be warm and washing 24/7

53 is not old , not anywhere bloody near it , my mum is 85 this year , thats old ! shes using her age as a weak excuse to not work .
its really just another thing shes throwing out there as a way of not having to work .

@Meklk

I like idea to print bills before/after, I'll do it today. Gas and Electricity will be double, I'm sure. We received our last bill on old tariff, and it's almost double.

yes and then you need to show her them !! its tough if she get the hump with you, she cant expect to just live there , rack up your bills and then not contribute , my dd and i were homeless 6 years ago and before the council put us in temp accomodation we stayed at my mums flat , i wasnt taking the mickey like your mil . it sounds like she really for a long time milked it for all its worth and thats why she is so entitled and getting aggresive when shes challenged on it

She sounds a total nightmare, fighting with doctors and receptionists!

All 3 of you need to present a united front on this, otherwise she'll just continue to play you off against each other.

Draw up a list of house rules, including how much she needs to pay towards her living costs. Tell her she follows these rules or moves out. Ignore any tears or histrionics.

Oh, she's one of life's victims? There are people like that who believe everyone else should subsidise the life they want because of some difficulty they had once (in her case cancer).

Have a look at this and think about if you want your kids growing up thinking it's normal to pander to someone like that.

www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/

When you print the bills make sure you make it clear it's the odd tariff , everyone's share ( includes her )will be higher on the new one . Make it clear to her you shower once a day , only do full loads of washing/ dish washing, don't have heating on as much as she likes too so the extra money for this has to come from her .
I had a conversation with my very negative daughter who thought her rent shouldn't go up because of the new price increase. I told her she could live with me for free but couldn't use shower , washing machine, cooker , TV , lights basically anything that used energy she wouldn't pay towards. She now pays her share

@Meklk

Thank you for your support! I think posts on this thread just opened my eyes. I am too soft too. How I can move my thread to relationships? Can I do it myself or need to ask admin?

You can self report your first post and request the move. Or email MNHQ.

That's right, she has kind of panic attack every single time someone asks her about finding job/sending CV. She starts to cry and blaming that person -"I had a cancer, I can't work anymore, you don't understand it","why you force me to work".
So this morning we switched off the heating (we have special panel to control boiler and floor heating,she doesn't know where it is) so she can play with thermostat but she won't be able to switch it on.
If my 3 year old can put extra jumper and socks on,she can too.

Good for you op , turning off the heat 👍.
Next time she says she had cancer say "yes you had cancer , you don't now "

Good start @Meklk and I'm assuming that the "we" means your DH is on board. That's the most important thing here, that you do this together.
If she cries about getting a job, put it back on her. "Now you know MIL that we can't afford 3 washes a day because we do not have enough income coming in."

I think with FIL, you could be found weeping over the electricity bill - shouldn't be too hard with the numbers on it. He clearly has a soft heart and is a reasonable man, so don't put him in direct conflict with his DW but let him figure out it is unsustainable.

Is she allowed to work and stay in the UK ?

Get one of those machines that shows the daily cost of the electricity being used- it's like a meter but shows £ rather than wattage. It's a total eye opener, you can see it ticking when the washing machine goes on. Tell her how much it costs each time and and tell her you need her to pay for it as you can't.
Cry about having to work long hours at a physical job when you are in pain. Make it clear you think she is selfish cow. Why is it your responsibility to pay for her? Can you ask her husband to pay an increased amount?
Meanwhile if she doesn't coo operate, change the password on Netflix, turn off WiFi, and be open , tell you've asked her not to waste your hard earned money but as she disrespects your input in your own house you're going to dig your heels in. Your DH beds to back you.
I say all this as a woman who is 10 years older than your mil, and working full time.
Our electricity bills are now £10 per day, yours will be bigger than that- it's not sustainable.

Heavens above. What a nightmare. I am so sorry for you. Can only suggest that you explain this cannot continue or you will all be homeless and that she is the reason. She has to be got out of the house in some work capacity if only for her not to have the opportunity to pursue these ridiculous activities. Your FIL is your best way in to this. Show him bills, tell him just what she does in case he hasn’t noticed. Tell him if things continue she will have to return home.

I really feel for you. It gets more horrific the more you post. You have a 5 year tenancy and have been there 4 years at least - how much longer is left? A conversation with FIL that this tenancy won't continue as is. Either he comes off and they find there own place or you will be moving with hubby somewhere else,
She sounds like someone who absolutely won't change their ways. No matter how much you reason and make sense 💐

She has settled status, so she is able to stay in UK. She just can't apply benefits, I know she tried UC but they pushed her to work or look for a job,I think 16hrs/week, it was a huge drama, so they won't pay her. She refused even to look for a job.

I'm glad they won't pay her. Why should they when she has never paid any N. I.

Perhaps she needs to go abroad again.

isn't she getting rent from her let out properties?

It's hard to understand why she has come back if no one seems to want her there!

What I don't really understand though is why in the short term FIL doesn't cover the extra from the 800 he used to send her & give her less.

She doesn't receive any rent payments, she would never let her house for someone...
She is very manipulated, I believe it's quite hard for fil to keep his finances on track. When the weather got cold she was crying that she can't go outside, it's too cold. Then she asked fil to buy some winter jacket, it costs £200, after few days she was complaining again that's too hot with that jacket. Fil suggested to check Primark, she was crying all evening until he agreed to buy her MK jacket which costs the same £200.
She HAS jackets, shoes,etc.She could survive 2 years without buying any clothes.
It was a huge fight about hairdresser costs, fil said he won't pay£100 every few weeks, she was crying around one week that she won't go outside with grey roots. She is blond, even if she didn't have her hairs done, she looks ok,not a big difference..

FIL needs to tell her , sorry I've got no money cry all you want

You need to split the bills and rent four ways now. FIL will have to take responsibility for his wife's share if she refuses to work. If he struggles then he will have to stop being so soft and pandering to MIL.