Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm ok thanks Knot. DM is in her second nursing home in two weeks, placed by social services while waiting on her assessment. I phoned SS yesterday to make sure they understood that I am to be included in the assessment. We shall see if that happens or not.

I have been trying to visit every other day, but this new place has limited slots, all within my core work hours and it takes about half an hour to do all the Covid stuff, so I really don't see how I can do week day visits unless I take annual leave, which makes no sense.

Afternoon all, so I've had an afternoon of non stop phone calls too. DM seems to have lost the ability to change channels on the TV and has been pressing 101 on her home phone-each time getting through to Sussex police!! I left her this morning with a note with the TV channels and instructions but she is clearly unable to follow them now. She's been ok all week , managing to change channels to watch the tennis but today her anxiety is through the roof so this is obviously affecting her ability to do simple tasks.

She takes Mirtazapine at night for the anxiety but this is clearly not enough anymore. We have been to the GP and he is looking at additional meds but I really think it all comes down to the fact that the time is coming for her to be in full time care soon-she just cannot cope on her own anymore. She will of course disagree but things cannot carry on like this-she's a nervous wreck at the times between carers and when I am not there visiting.

I feel bad popping in with good news but maybe it's nice to hear something positive?? The specialist care home my mum has been in for 2 months have finally agreed that she has no rehab potential (didn't mind them trying) and she's going to ove from the assessment unit to their care unit instead. It's a lovely home with very good and understanding staff and she will be on the ground floor with better access to the garden. I feel as if we may - may - have reached some form of stability.

@notaflyingmonkey your description of each list having the same addition ox 'toilet paper' . Exactly like the Shining!!! What an analogy!

The relentless list writing, phone calls, throwing things away that should have been kept. I feel for you all. This was the most stressful stage for me. The biggest issue was that my mum at that stage forgot that my autistic, learning disabled sibling who lives with her has no capacity to make any decisions. However for a couple of years she delegated every decision to them, so thought it was perfectly appropriate for someone who needs constant supervision to ring up builders, driveway contractors, double glazing salesmen who put leaflets through the door and ask them to come and do work on the house that doesn't need doing. She had a big decline in December and I realised from my diary that I've not suffered from a migraine since then. Prior to that I was getting them every two weeks..

@PermanentTemporary Brilliant!

@PermanentTemporary that sounds great news. Sounds like some folk here have found good care / nursing homes which is great to hear.
So sorry for those of you dealing with elderlies losing capacity but not realising. So hard.
@notaflyingmonkey hope you are getting things sorted and looking after yourself.

@notaflyingmonkey at first I felt awful that dm was so far away and I couldn't visit much but I have adjusted to the fact that I just couldn't. We all still need to earn a living and care for the rest of our families and have a bit of life too.

Permanent great news.
We've finally found a copy of dad's will that had disappeared from where it should have been(along with Solicitor contact details). Guess who is the executor - yep mum 🥺

More drama to report, I'm afraid. Dad's funeral was only last week and already a helpful 'carer', previously employed to help dad, has volunteered to move in to mum's house. I'm totally confused whether to be overjoyed that the cavalry have arrived or (actually) slightly horrified that a vulnerable widow has been pounced on. Mum thinks it's a good idea.

@countrygirl99 oh no! What will you do? Does she know? Will you 'help' her or try to get her to step down?

@TheIoWfairy that sounds really worrying. Terrifying how vulnerable our elderly relatives are.

@permanenttemporary DBis talking to the solicitor this week to work out the best course of action
@theiowfairy that does sound worrying doesn't it

Am feeling v guilty at what a state DM's house had got into. I just couldn't keep on top of it all while she was still living in it, and so it has taken me many hours over many weekends to get it anywhere approaching ok. Am v much wearing my 'bad daughter' crown throughout.

Still waiting on a date for her assessment of needs.

@TheIoWfairyiscancelled that sounds really worrying.
@notaflyingmonkey dump that guilt!!!! You did what you could- at a huge price.
cockroach all.

Just a gentle bump- hope all quiet is a good sign.
How are you all doing? @MereDintofPandiculation hope your dad has sustained his rally.
@Knotaknitter, how are you? @notaflyingmonkey hope you are getting progress with assessment etc.
@NewYearNewMinty how are things? Hope no news is good.
@countrygirl99 how are things?
@IoWfairyonthetopofthetree
@OnthePiste, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, and everyone else I’ve missed, thinking of you. Chemo brain.
Second chemo yesterday- will visit dm tomoz in very fetching headwear so she might realise it’s happening, but I’m doing well so far 😉

Hi @thesandwich. Just quietly banging our heads on the wall here and hoping things settle down after the funeral. Youngest brother took mum to the chapel of rest to see dad this morning. This afternoon she phoned him to tell him dad had died 😔

Oh lord country that sounds bloody hard, I do feel for you.

I'm ok thanks sandwich, still don't have the date for the assessment, but I am resigned to only being able to visit DM at the weekends now, rather than attempting something mid week as well.

How are you getting on with the chemo?

@countrygirl99 oh dear that is so hard on you all.

@thesandwich, I'm sorry to hear you've got chemo brain, I have too! Hope your chemo isn't too awful and you're managing the side effects. I'm on maintenance chemo now so my hair which I lost on the first treatment is growing back. My mother is unable to understand how I can still have side effects from my current chemo as my hair is growing so well . I bought some ready made turban things from Amazon for about £3 having struggled with scarves for weeks, I didn't ever get around to buying a wig.

I've been reading some of the great advice on here and have had a tiny bit of progress with managing my mother. She has always been bad-tempered but lately gets so immediately angry about everything. I decided a few days ago that rather than placate her when her outbursts happen, instead to remind her that these aren't acceptable, I have become her punchbag and it has got to stop. Yesterday, she was cross about a difficulty trying to return something and had argued with the relevant company on the phone before I arrived. She was absolutely spitting with rage and started shouting and pointing at me, yelling about what she wasn't going to do and how they couldn't tell her what to do etc.. I told her to stop shouting at me and it felt like I was telling off a toddler. She then turned into a fairly agreeable person. I rang this morning to check on her and she is still in an acceptable mood, even though she has spent ages looking for the onions which I'd forgotten to order on the online delivery but she knew she had as 'you wrote them down when I told you I needed them'. Oops.

I'm fine, I have run out of excuses not to fill in the probate forms so have printed all 32 pages of the guidance and then crossed quite a lot of it out. No farms, overseas investments or other difficult stuff. All nice and straightforward and nowhere near the IHT threshold so I can estimate to my heart's content.

I went to see MIL for the first time since before Christmas and to my surprise I did not get a telling off for not having visited (they've been closed, she was one of the ones with covid). She showed me a photo of her husband and told me that it was her father and, like my mum, there's more than a suggestion that she thinks that she works there. The reason she's there is because of her falling, not because of her confusion and she's still got all of her language so it's possible to have a conversation.

She's physically in much better shape than she was a year ago, she's walking better in that she's actually using the walking frame that was a clothes rack at home, putting a bit of weight on, her diabetes is under control and the ballooning ankles are a thing of the past. They are looking after her better than she's been looking after herself.

I thought I understood the posts about the constant phone calls but now I really do understand. I've had calls in the last hour and mum won't believe that dad died over 2 weeks ago.

Oh countrygirl its just unbearable but there's no choice

After a major wobble last week (counselling is great but it throws up stuff that I have to deal with afterwards) and antibiotics for a water infection (don't tell me I'm at the age when my mind starts to go!) I am back to earth, back to my studies and off to visit mum this morning.

I'm going with my friend today. Mum has asked to see her every week since Christmas. Let's see if she knows her!

Thinking of you Chemo Warriors. I have a friend going through similar and I am filled with admiration for you all.

@countrygirl99 You are doing an impossible job. I hope you have time to care for yourself as well - or, even better, have someone on hand to look after you.

Hairbrush DHand I are propping each other up. FIL managed to lose his phone and his bank card this week. Cue panicking phone calls to DH who is expected to magically resolve the problems.

@thesandwich Thanks, yes Dad’s continuing his rally, we seem back on an even keel again

@countrygirl99 thinking of you.

Speaking of the bank, my mother has given out her bank details to scammers twice in the last year or so, resulting in huge meltdowns, visits to the bank and general chaos. I've been trying to educate her in how to spot telephone scams but she really doesn't understand.

Popping in with a query... mum has the palliative care nurses visiting her. She was discharged from hospital just before Christmas and is stable now (bed bound with severe dementia). I was told by a visitor yesterday that they had asked for mum's national insurance number?? Is there going to be a charge for this?