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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/11/2021 20:45

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 20/01/2022 09:14

@countrygirl99 Flowers

OP posts:
whatever45 · 20/01/2022 10:50

Funeral today, sun is shining Thanks

notaflyingmonkey · 20/01/2022 10:56

Hope it goes well whatever

TheIoWfairyiscancelled · 20/01/2022 11:14

Wishing you strength today @whatever45 - and robust mascara!

thesandwich · 20/01/2022 12:53

Sending strength and good wishes@whatever45.

countrygirl99 · 20/01/2022 18:06

Hope it went well today Whatever.
Mum is being very hard work which is understandable but she just phoned me to ask what she needs to do to organise the funeral. We had the meeting with the funeral director this morning😔

Knotaknitter · 20/01/2022 18:43

@whatever45 The funeral is behind you now, I hope it went well.

whatever45 · 20/01/2022 19:49

Thank you so so much for being there and understanding, all of you. The tip about mascara was most useful as that hadn't dawned on me.
Home again now and trying to take it all in. It went really well and was relaxed and personal. No sign of my brother at the church or the crematorium, not having any awkwardness was a huge relief but also great sadness that this is what our original family unit of 4 has come to.
Not sure what happens now really, facing normal life I guess .
Hope maybe in time I can support those of you that are still in the middle of all this too.
Dry January proving a challenge.

NewYearNewMinty · 20/01/2022 20:05

Glad it went as well as these things can @whatever45.

Be kind to yourself in the days ahead Flowers.

thesandwich · 20/01/2022 20:28

So glad it went well @whatever45.
🌺🌺@countrygirl99

Knotaknitter · 23/01/2022 10:07

Someone give me a good talking to as my resolve is crumbling. MIL is in residential care, I go and see her once a week out of a sense of duty. I've not seen her since before Christmas as the home has been shut for covid.

The issue is that I know that I could be visiting if I stood up as the essential care giver but I don't want to. I could then be popping in twice a week for a chat but I don't want to. I worry that once I'm The One then SIL will step backwards into the shadows and I'll be left with responsibility for MIL just at the point where I've stopped being responsible for mum. Once I'm the only one who can visit then I will feel that I have to go and I don't want four covid tests a week for an hour's chat so I'd be going twice. An hour a week has been the limit of my commitment, I feel guilty that I'm not able to do that, I can see a way where I could do it but worry that it's opening the door to accepting greater responsibility.

There is a side order of resentment that her own family don't see her so I have to pick up the slack but I don't "have to" do anything (and nor do they) and I know that it's my guilt that is the driver.

PermanentTemporary · 23/01/2022 10:23

Knota please don't torture yourself. Your
MIL has familiar people around her now in the home. I think the rules re care home visiting are likely to change quite soon and if you feel able to go back to weekly visits you will be able to, without labelling yourself in a way that then means you'll be holding responsibility that will burden you without changing or improving things for her.

thesandwich · 23/01/2022 10:59

@Knotaknitter please stop beating yourself up! I know many of us here are hardwired to put the needs of the elderlies first, but you have done so much and been through so much.
Sit on your hands. Please focus on you, rebuilding your strength and wellbeing. Otherwise sil will let you take it all on.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/01/2022 11:38

@Knotaknitter I am an only child and I visit once a week. You do not need to do more than you are already doing.

notaflyingmonkey · 23/01/2022 12:56

Give yourself a shake Knot so that you can slough off that unwarranted guilt. Once a week is more than adequate.

I've been trying to clean and declutter DM's house, which keeps me occupied. I have declared war on the bloody mouse/mice and I seem to be losing. The man from the council came and took the bait boxes away as the bait hadn't been touched in a few weeks - declaring the problem solved, despite me pointing out fresh droppings to him. We had one of those stand offs until I realised I was disproportionately losing my shit with him.

Wombat98 · 23/01/2022 13:40

I'm feeling guilty because I've not seen my mil in about 3 months.

DH is fine with this and there's lots of reasons, mostly to do with inaction rather than a concerted effort. It's also for the best as they do not want the status quo disturbed and I'm not that comfortable with the situation, so best left but blimey, I don't find it easy.

Hang in there...

exexpat · 23/01/2022 20:02

I am feeling slightly guilty because I haven't seen my MIL for about 2.5 years. Does that make any of you feel any better?

She is my late DH's mother, and lives several hundred miles away (about a 5-hour trip). She is in her late 80s, widowed a few years ago, has no family nearby and is not in great health so I really ought to make the effort but she is not my priority. I would normally see her once or twice a year but because of covid and stuff going on with my parents (DF died last year; frail, housebound DM has had various falls and illnesses) I haven't made it up there for ages. One of my SILs hasn't seen her for just as long, I think (she lives overseas) but the other SIL has been more regularly.

NewYearNewMinty · 24/01/2022 01:41

I must admit that for me one of the best things about getting divorced was knowing I wouldn't have to engage with ex MIL ever again.

She makes my mum look like Betty White...and that's saying something.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 24/01/2022 09:26

Knot firstly, it’s not for you to appoint yourself essential care giver. It’s up-to MIL to decide she wants one, and to say who she wants. Secondly, you can’t avoid tests by not visiting - you’re required to take a minimum of three LTFs and one PCR a week.

So I would wait for MIL to indicate a desire for an essential care giver and a preference for you rather than her own daughter. After all, you wouldn’t want to be presumptuous, would you?

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 24/01/2022 11:07

@MereDintofPandiculation I've packed my guilt back into its box and I'll wait for the change in guidance. I am pretty sure that MIL would pick me over her daughter because I am local and with a long history of doing things for her. She was fast enough to be listing me as next of kin when my husband died. That wasn't my place then and it's not my place now to shuffle into the daughter role. It's not my job to fix their relationship which is just as well because I have no idea where I'd start. I certainly wouldn't want to sour the relationship I have with my sister in law. (We are lacking an eye roll emoticon, please imagine your own)

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 25/01/2022 08:28

Sorry, knot I’ve just re-read my post. “Presumptuous “ was meant to be tongue in cheek. I certainly had no intention of being critical of you. I was just attempting to give you a little more armour

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 25/01/2022 09:31

@MereDintofPandiculation Don't worry, it's fine, I read it the way you meant it. I get on better with MIL than SiL and that's because I was on the receiving end of "calling a spade a spade" for too long and rebelled. I can now be just as direct (or rude, depending on which end of the spade you are holding) as she is.

SIL is more difficult, I tie myself in knots trying not to upset her, avoid things she's responsible for and not make her feel guilty. There's so much guilt in care, we could always do more and having been there, done that I don't want to add to her guilt.

Did I mention that MIL had covid? She's fine now, they found it because they tested everyone so at that time she had no symptoms.

countrygirl99 · 25/01/2022 09:47

Not looking forward to tomorrow. We have a meeting with the funeral celebrant and a meeting about mum's ongoing care needs. It's the latter I'm dreading. Mum is convinced there is nothing wrong with her but she has phoned me at least once a day since Wednesday to tell me dad has died. Sometimes I get the calls 20 minutes apart. Once only half an hour after I left her having spent 3 hours making funeral arrangements. Even on days when I have already spent several hours with her. And she keeps telling my brothers that I haven't been up at all. And she says she hasn't seen anyone all day when she has had 2 or 3 visitors, usually staying a whole morning or afternoon.

thesandwich · 25/01/2022 09:59

@countrygirl99 sound really tough. Do you log these calls/ conversations as support for the meeting? 🌺

countrygirl99 · 25/01/2022 10:15

We are warning each other on a WhatsApp group each time so we have a good record. Also when she is confused about the funeral arrangements/has been doing something unwise. It's a good job we are sorting the funeral or she would probably have engaged 2 or 3 funeral directors by now. We had a meeting with the FD last Thursday morning and she had completely forgotten it by the afternoon. We are breaking everything into one or 2 decisions a day and timed the funeral to allow for that. Although we are having to make the final decisions we are making sure we don't do anything she won't like but she doesn't remember any of them.

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