Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thank you again for all your advice.

Can’t believe I’ve found a group of people who actually know how I’m feeling! Such a relief.

I have a list of people I need to contact tomorrow after your suggestions.

Thank you for letting me vent!

@MoreElderlyParentWoes sorry if we’ve seemed flippant about the squirrels!

I don’t think there is a way of persuading parents to do things they don’t want to. My DM’s answer to any suggestions about potential improvements (downstairs bathroom, stairlift etc) was always ‘it’s not possible!”. I gave up in the end, but my DH kept trying with her, bless him.

I used to feel guilty that I couldn’t fix it, but then I decided that if she made these decisions she was an adult (in those days she had capacity) and she had to live with the consequences. Sounds harsh, but it amounted to self-preservation

Hi all, I'm new here but a lurker.

My DD died very quickly a few years ago and since then my mum has deteriorated and is a nursing home.

Tonight I got a call that she is in the later state of dementia and is not eating hardly anything and is sleeping all the time.

This is the slow end isn't it?

I think that sometimes elderlies just want sympathy not suggestions. Suggestions come with the flavour “there is something you could do about this (…..so you only have yourself to blame for feeling like this)”. Don’t we all do it? Have a rant about some aspect of our life? In which case often the friend offering sympathy but no suggestions is often more helpful to our mood than the friend offering suggestions.

I’ve had some success with “oh dear, that must be so difficult for you”

@littlebillie In my very limited experience, yes. But ask them. Someone up thread said nursing homes are very good at recognising the end. But they’ll take their lead from you, they’ll drop hints if you don’t make it clear you want things spelled out.

But they won’t tell you “how long” - it varies too much. The end can come quickly or be long drawn out.

@littlebilliie It sounds like my mum's last few weeks. She did have good days where she was up and about and chatting but there were more days where she slept all the time.

Got the phone call just after 4.30 this morning. Dad is gone. Mum is in pieces.

@countrygirl99 I am very sorry. I don't think that seeing it coming makes it any easier to deal with because the pain of the loss is still the same. It's probable that your mum didn't see it coming, she was expecting him home and for things to go back to how they were. It's a double whammy because of the impact it's going to have on your mum. she's not going to have someone there 24/7 to keep her on track.

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter how long you've been expecting it, it still comes as a shock.

Take care of yourself x

It didn't matter that how we explained just how poorly dad was to mum, she couldn't retain it. Alzheimers is such a barstard condition. She phoned 3 more times to tell me when I was driving to her. Only stopped when one of my brothers got there.

So sorry for you loss @countrygirl99
Maybe a little sedative for your DM from the GP might be in order if she finds no peace right now

Oh @countrygirl99 I am so sorry. So hard for your family, and having to keep telling your dm. Please take care of yourself.
And vent here if it helps🌺🌺🌺

God country that combination of loss and your mum's reaction sounds rough. Take care of yourself and we are here if you need us.

countrygirl so sorry.

@countrygirl99 So very sorry

So sorry to hear your news @countrygirl99

Seems like a particularly tough week for many here - shall I pass round the nice biscuits? 🍪

Thanks everyone. Nice biscuits very much appreciated. Now crashed on the sofa with a glass of wine.

@countrygirl99

Thanks everyone. Nice biscuits very much appreciated. Now crashed on the sofa with a glass of wine.

I'm sorry for your loss

@countrygirl99, So sorry for your loss.

countrygirl I’m so sorry for your loss.

Oh @countrygirl99 that is so tough for you all.

I’m so sorry, countrygirl.

It sounded like you were dreading it for good reason countrygirl.

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry.

Countrygirl sorry to hear your news. Hope you're okay