The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Yes, I did just answer details about mum's medical hsitory going back to 1970 and what medication she was on while she looked at me expectantly. It's like having kids all over again.

White wine tonight I think, hands up who wants a glass? (Not now, it needs to chill)

Yes please knot make it a large one!
Quite agree with care complex. And a toy boy methinks....
I have( on dints original mention) put together a page with all dms info on ( which I must update) plus contact info for everyone involved....
sent to dbros who j bet have no ideas where to find it.... and copy in a red folder by her front door.
🍷🍷🍫🍫to all!

My sister has just sent me a picture of her new car....

Sigh.

Not sure how to handle this.
Mum expects me to sort out finances but isn't honest with me.
Its her money obviously but the dishonesty is tedious.

bee could you say to your dm if then...... if you want me to sort your finances then I need to have access on line to your bank account etc etc.......then I can sort out direct debits etc etc........

@Knotaknitter

I've told my son that I will be picking out a nice retirement complex for myself because I will not put him through what I am going through now. I won't be staying here because it's lovely but rural enough to have an appalling bus service. It's fine while you are able to drive but otherwise it's hard to leave the village. I will be moving somewhere where I can walk to things or where there's a bus more regular than hourly (plus or minus fifteen minutes).

If I wanted a job as a carer then I'd have to start by showing some aptitude (why do you want this job? well I don't...) and before you were let loose with clients there would be a shed load of training. As an employee you have rights, limitations on your working hours, training, supervision, a clear idea of what's outside your job description and you get to leave it all behind when you clock off. There are two of you for some tasks, when you're sick someone else does your work and you can have a holiday without the expectation that you will be taking your client with you.

I would like to go back to being fun-daughter. I'm all for preserving independence but what I'm doing at the moment is preserving the image of independence. If mum has carers in then she is recognising that she's not doing those things for herself, as it is she's not doing those things and hasn't been for some time. She's able to kid herself that she's perfectly capable of taking her tablets, cooking a meal, ringing the gp, understanding her bank statement because she's not having help to do these. She is, it's me but I don't count.

All of this.

I had just run a bath and ordered a takeaway when the phone rang "Dads in terrible pain and the carer is on to the end of life hub..."

"Did you give him the dose of oramorph he was due at 5pm?"

Tumbleweed...

She said she's not expecting me to rush round and I pointed out that by calling me I feel obligated to do just that even though here is nothing I can do about the situation.

"No there's no, so just don't bother then...bye."

And hung up.

I am in the bath. Chinese arrives at 7pm.

I only have a bottle of really good red or a magnum of prosecco...tempted to don a face mask and go to the shops for the first time since December.

BEE that is such a tricky situation.

Hope you find a way to tactfully resolve it

I went to the corner shop (Pinot Grigio for all) for wine, cheese and biscuits and crisps. The lady in front of me had white wine and lager and the lad in front of her had beer. Friday night essentials all round.

My decades long battle with the guilt tripper means that I act to the actual words, not the sighing, eye rolling or saying one thing and meaning the opposite. ""Don't rush round" would have me doing exactly that especially if I knew the carer was there with her. "Well there's nothing I really want this week" when I ring for a shopping list gets a bright and breezy ok and a change of subject rather than ten minutes of me listing every thing I've ever bought in an attempt to jog her memory. I suspect that her family member gets to bring a proper shop in later in the week, I feel no guilt about this as they were nowhere to be seen from March-September last year so it's their turn to do some proper shopping.

I will have one glass of wine in case I have to chase an ambulance later, another after ten because I know she's in bed by then. Enjoy your chinese Minty.

Thank you for listening to me, I don't know why it is that today has got to me so much. I do actually have good days but they are the ones where I don't feel the need to dump my feelings out into the internet void.

Bee it's one or the other, if you are to help her then you will be seeing what she's spending. If she doesn't want you to see it then she can do it herself or find someone else to help her.

knot I get it about the days when it’s all to much and we need to howl at the moon. Thanks for the🍷🍷
Glad family member is doing something.
Enjoy the Chinese *minty
Got the log burner going so will chill out in front if the tv. Cockroach all!

I do actually have good days but they are the ones where I don't feel the need to dump my feelings out into the internet void.

Oh how I wish I was having more of those...I feel like I'm hogging the thread most days.

Morning all 👋
Hope you are having a good weekend?
Well.
I went to mums last night and told her that I can't help with her finances anymore unless she gives me access to info when I need it.
She didn't seem happy at first
"Can't I have one thing thats mine?" (??)
I explained that it's her money and I don't care what she does with it but its unreasonable and unfair to ask me to sort out issues if she doesn't give me the info to do so.
I think it went OK.
I didn't mention my sisters new car. Its up to her if she wants to finance it. She did tell me she bought sis a new heater last week for her house.
Sadly, my siblings will happily wring mum dry money wise so I do feel I need to keep an eye on whats going on.
I have POA but obviously atm and has capability.
Ugh.
I hate this.

I only have a bottle of really good red or a magnum of prosecco I have before now said "I'm sorry, sorting out your computer will have to wait till tomorrow I'm afraid I can't drive round, I've had a drink".

Thank you for listening to me, Don't know about others but for me it's not entirely altruistic - it helps me to be reminded that things could be so much worse. And in the eraly days, it was so helpful to realise that apparently alarming symptoms were quite normal

Good work bee keep at it.
dint I agree- also it it good to feel helpful and pay forward the good advice and support I’ve had from others here.

I only have a bottle of really good red or a magnum of prosecco

Reading that back sounds like such a first world problem . Luckily DD relinquished one of her posh ciders for the greater good.

I like about 3.5 minutes walk from my parents so I have no excuse even if I am pissed really didn't think that through

I howled at FB last night with a lengthy post about what we're dealing with. Not my style at all...I hate those kind of posts but I was just so fed up of putting on a brave face. Have been overwhelmed with supportive messages which was lovely.

Just bracing myself to call mum. Hoping to have a day to catch up with housework and do some cooking, but we'll see what fate has in store.

Happy weekend everyone

I'm supposed to be cleaning the bathroom
Instead I'm listening to a lecture on saladin and the 3td crusade....

3rd

Ooh that sounds interesting. I wrote a fanfic set during the Crusades a few years back.

So...called mum about an hour ago to see how things were. Long story short it rapidly degenerated into a row about L where she accused me of colluding with her best friend as well as the carer (I have discussed my concerns with her) and we're all ganging up against her to try and stop him coming. Apparently I'm doing it out of jealousy because I'm not in a relationship (quickly corrected to friendship 🤔) myself.

I told her that's fine. I will step away and she can do what she likes with regard to L but since my primary concern is with my dying father...her husband I don't want to hear anything about it going forward.

Ooh, that sounds interesting minty!
God, I don't know what to say about your mum. I guess covid has prevented all her usual activities? There is no doubt that some people do not hang around once their significant other is diagnosed terminal/has died.
An old neighbour of ours waited all of 3 weeks after his wife of 45 years died before he moved on.
Maybe its a generational thing? No idea.
Your situation has not been helped by a very unprofessional "companion/carer" who has blurred the lines and caused distress.
It must be so hard for you.

Mum feels ill today so has today me not to come.
Which is fine.
Except this is "payback" for me standing up for myself last night.
She didn't actually say "you upset me andits made me ill" but that's the gist 🙄
Hey ho

Oh bee that’s tough but likely..... it makes i5 even more difficult doing all the sorting/ life admin overwritten by the emotional history and complexity. Stay firm and enjoy the lecture( it’s archers on catch up for me 😮)

Oh Bee mine pulls exactly this kind of BS all the time...

I live about 3.5 minutes walk from my parents so I have no excuse even if I am pissed -- really didn't think that through yes, but you can't possibly do that walk on your own after dark

My dad was about 10 minutes away, just about far enough to justify driving if I had stuff to carry or at night.

Apparently I'm doing it out of jealousy because I'm not in a relationship (quickly corrected to friendship 🤔) myself. LOL! Though I guess you weren't able to see the funny side at the time.

Maybe its a generational thing? No idea. My dad's hung around over 30 years. But,yes, he's an exception. It is common particularly for widowers to depart fairly quickly.