Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

[Soontobe60]

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

My friends in laws lived a fair distance away. FIL was a sweet chap who started to get confused, they visited every weekend put care in place, plus meals for two every day. They were concerned when FIL was obviously losing weight. They eventually discovered that MIL was only giving him half rations and storing the rest in a fridge outside. They found decaying food in there. MIL said it was far too much food and he should not be eating that amount.

Frankly she did not give a fig about him but complained that he was getting all the attention and no-one cared about her. Eventually he went into a home which made her happy because she was done with him. Once she was living solo it her dementia which had not been apparent before went into free fall. So her not caring may have been because she was ill herself, which had not showed itself overtly before then.

It really does sound like she may be suffering from dementia herself.

Dealing with the familiar (Sky), doing only what she feels like rather than what needs to be done and failing to see the consequences of her behaviour.

I doubt she'll ever see the damage she's done to your SD.

I agree that she's showing signs of dementia, but it could also be down to her having had to deal with stepdad by herself before they moved here, along with her poor physical health. When I was sorting out yet another packing box of stuff that came with her, I found packets of diazepam that had recently been prescribed for her. Is that for anxiety maybe?
She seemed a lot better this afternoon when I popped round, as did stepdad. At least they were both in clean clothes and the place looked tidy.
I phone Ned social services up again yesterday afternoon as d not heard off em since my initial call. They haven't even allocated them a case worker yet! I did pointnout the urgency of sorting out support for stepdads personal care as MBM can't bathe him herself, and they promised to make contact next week.

I fear she's moved closer to you because knowing you are retired she's expecting you to do it all for her.
It's going to be hard but you need to stay strong and keep accessing the appropriate care for them.
Good luck OP

Diazapam crikey that is strong stuff normally given for three weeks only how much did you find?

Re Stepdads meds’/registering with GP - anyone can be seen by a GP on a temporary residents basis wherever they are living.

Diazepam is hard for me to get with a history of years of anxiety and depression. I’m also wondering how many you found.

Diazepam wouldn't help with any confusion, though.

How is everything OP?

@Soontobe60 how are thing's?

Soontobe60, I've just spotted this thread. Your DM sounds very similar to a friend's mother who was one of those old hippy types who lived life according to her own rules, with her own interests always coming ahead of her children and partners. So many similarities I lost count.

Late in life (late 70s), having led my friend a merry dance for years, the mother was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and early stage dementia. The diagnosis helped my friend enormously because it relieved her of the feeling that somehow she could sort things out and make them all right. Social workers and others involved with the mother have all advised my friend to step back and let the professionals deal with things.

I hope things have settled down for you in the last couple of weeks. It's a nightmare.

@Soontobe60 I hope things are ok for you during these worrying times. Your family has been in my thoughts. Take care.