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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

136 replies

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:07

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 18/02/2020 20:00

I think you need to give her a list of numbers
Decorater
Handy man
Gp
111
Solicitor
Estate agent

And then have a morning off, each of you need to agree a session where you'll sort stuff so you don't all get dragged in at once.

She managed to sell her house, box her furniture and move, she can't be that incompetent.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 18/02/2020 20:01

Why did the EA give the keys to the new people? That’s why you pay for solicitors and EA’s.

Dehydration can cause mental issues in the elderly as I’m sure you know. Once she is rehydrated maybe things will be clear for her. But I think with a poorly husband she needs to look for a care home for him, if she isn’t up to it. Does her husband have children who can help,or make decisions etc?

JudyCoolibar · 18/02/2020 20:02

Can you speak to whoever she saw at the walk-in centre about her refusal to be hospitalised? This is potentially a really dangerous situation for her.

AutumnRose1 · 18/02/2020 20:05

“ She managed to sell her house, box her furniture and move, she can't be that incompetent.”

This.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:19

She is generally a very capable woman but now feels like she knows better than anyone, including professionals.
For example, she's angry that her dog can't go into kennels or doggy day care because she 'knows' her dog doesn't need to have its vaccinations and it's all a conspiracy to make money out of dog owners. She believes that she knows better what meds to take for her arthritis, and is taking Anadin Max every 2 hours despite being told not to and being given naproxen and omezaprole. She believes if she gets her DH incontinence pads it will just make him lazy and he'll stop bothering to go to the toilet. She believes that her solicitor is just out to make as much money from her as he can, has been sent the money for the sale of her flat and is hiding it to get extra interest from it.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 18/02/2020 20:25

Bloody hell OP, I'm so sorry, what a nightmare. I have no advice but just wanted to give you a virtual hug and a gin refill. Hope it all gets sorted.

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/02/2020 20:32

Gin doesn't cover this. I bet you're all planning to sell up and move to the other end of the country.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:33

The EA didn't give the keys to the buyers, she did.
Her DH does have children but they don't have anything to do with him, haven't done so for years.
To add insult to injury, dm had an affair with her now DH when we were young children. When my DF found the out he forgave her and they stayed together, seemingly happily. Certainly us children weren't aware of anything wrong. However his then wife threw him out and moved away so he didn't see his children for years. He eventually married wife number 2 who was 20 years younger than him, and had more children. When I was 30, my dm was 55. She persuaded my DF that if she moved to London for 5 years to teach, she would end up with a much better pension. She came home every 6 weeks. After 2 years of this, she finally admitted to my DF in a letter that she was leaving him. She stayed in London and about a year later told us about her new partner. She married him as soon as the divorce came through. It finally came out a few years later that the man she married was the same she'd had the affair with. He left wife 2 for my dm, and his second set of children.
My DF was absolutely devastated. Actually, so were we even though we are all adults. There's an awful lot of resentment there. Although we all eventually got on with her DH, none of us are prepared to spend any of our time looking after him. Dm said today that if she dies before him, she knows I'd make sure he was taken care of as I'm the practical one.

As I said in my last post, I helped look after my MIL and never once felt the resentment and frustration that I do about my own mother.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 18/02/2020 20:37

So she's opinionated and stubborn - most elderly people are ime - take the bloody paracetomol off her please!! too much aspirin can cause her to feel panicked and also dehydrated.
I'd be wondering if calling an ambulance might be a good idea tbh!

Gingernaut · 18/02/2020 20:38

Sorry OP, but it sounds like she herself might be suffering from some sort of dementia.

www.dementiauk.org/get-support/understanding-changes-in-behaviour/false-beliefs-and-delusions-in-dementia/

Is there any way you could contact her solicitor and/or estate agent and try to figure out what's going on?

Has her property been sold?

Has she actually bought the new house?

I'd be querying all of this.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:39

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'd never move away from my own children and grandchild even though I'm tempted! Although I've brought my DDs up to be completely independent, I want to be able to support them any way I can. My dm has been the opposite, and has generally speaking put her own needs first. Her own DF had Parkinson's for 10 years and she did bugger all to help. My grandma lived to be 101, but again my dm didn't visit her much - maybe twice a year, whilst me, my sister and my aunt visited every week.

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 18/02/2020 20:43

There will be a time when you look back on all of this. Support op.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 18/02/2020 20:43

I think you need to do some digging tomorrow. Maybe speak to the buyers in DM home and ask what position they are in regarding the sale of the house. This doesn’t sound right.

You have my sympathy, dealing with elderly parents is frustrating and exhausting.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:43

@Gingernaut

After speaking to the EA for the purchase, I know everything is going through, and should be completed by Thursday at the latest fingers crossed. They have requested the money off the buyer, or whatever they call it, and that should be in the client account tomorrow.
Best case scenario is that everything goes through in the next couple of days, we get them moved into their own house and registered at a GP and dm is able to gather herself and settle down.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 18/02/2020 20:44

Cross posted OP - she sounds like a selfish cow!
Have you looked up Anadin though - what too much does to you and your behaviour? It's rather interesting.
Hope you're okay and don't get landed doing everything as she is assuming you will.

Supersimkin2 · 18/02/2020 20:48

You're being played OP. You do have to do something about them, but it's not as much as you think.

Yank the drawbridge up now. Do as little as you can to get them away from you, then your phone will develop a fault.

If she's demented - meh, diagnosis is near on impossible to obtain until she's got the capacity of a banana, and in any case it doesn't make any difference.

You've got to get them into that house. She wants you to decorate because she's mean. She knows it's unfair on you so she's tricked you.

Suggest they move in before you lift a brush because a) you can't afford the paint b) she needs to know what it will be like to live in before you decide on colours etc.

Broken record about getting them into the house - repeat, repeat, repeat, don't engage. Two can play at that game.

GhostofGeishaPast · 18/02/2020 20:51

Just a thought - if she is dehydrated, does she possible have a UTI? That can affect behavior suddenly. She might be avoiding drinking to stop the pain of having to pee.

Alsohuman · 18/02/2020 20:56

Dear God, poor you. Nobody deserves this, you must be a saint.

She really needs to start taking the naproxen, she’ll feel like a new woman. I’ve been trying to get it out of my GP for months.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:59

She was tested for a UTI at the walk in today but it was clear. BP was a little high, o2 levels good, blood sugars ok but has ketones in urine , which nurse said is another sign of dehydration.

OP posts:
Mistymonday · 18/02/2020 21:06

Dementia or not it sounds like it is time to set some boundaries with her.

Eckhart · 18/02/2020 21:11

If she's insisting she's capable, you have to stop feeling that she's your responsibility. You'll make your own life very difficult. This goes for after this particular issue is sorted, too.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/02/2020 21:19

She is generally a very capable woman

Well yes, that's obvious from the fact she's been able to sell, pack up and move
In a way it's fortunate that it's DB she's landed on rather than you, but I'd be wondering your looking after MIL has led her to think it's now her turn

Peronally I'd happily support them in moving into their new place, but after that I'd be very careful about just how much I was pulled in

IndieTara · 18/02/2020 21:19

Just hang on til Thursday

LifeImplosionImminent · 18/02/2020 21:32

Your mum sounds awful - I don't understand how horrible people can demand and get so much support from the kids they treat so badly. I don't know what to say...my mum annoys the hell out of me whenever she is near technology (and who gave her whatsapp FFS) but she's nothing like that!

Missc2001 · 18/02/2020 21:32

Oh gosh. Could you make sure they have provision for carers etc? I’m all about helping family but I don’t think it is fair that you should care for him (I know your mum is still there but she will be expecting respite)

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