Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

[Soontobe60]

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

Also... so your Mum is not capable of organising to register at a much needed local GP .... but can organise Sky.

So actually she is picking and choosing what she wants to do. Again don't be sucked into doing stuff for them....like answering 10 phone calls.

Yep. She is picking and choosing. Therefore trying to manipulate you all into doing her jobs

They can't actually see the new GP until they have proof of their new address, which of course they don't yet have. I can see why it's needed, but there must be a fast-track method for people who've moved house? They can register for Council Tax, but that will take a while. If they have a way of changing their address with their bank, they could ask for a paper statement to be sent - would take a couple of weeks. Now so much is done on line, it's really difficult to get acceptable id, eg a letter from a utility company.

No, I didn't answer all her calls. Today I've managed to get the forms for registering with a GP sorted, and we got proof of address from the solicitor who fortuitously had posted out her invoice to her new address. I also persuaded the receptionistbto fit them in for their new oarientbhealth check this afternoon! My dsis is taking them. I suppose the thing with the Sky TV is that she's used to dealing with them as she's had Sky for years.

I see you managed and she didn't.

Regarding GPs speak to your own and tell them they are visiting they should see them on that basis

They can't actually see the new GP until they have proof of their new address, which of course they don't yet have.

That’s not the case, the NHS constitution sets out you have a right to see a gp at a practice without being registered www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Yourchoices/GPchoice/Documents/rcgp_iyp_full_booklet_web_version.pdf

Just had a lot of information about this from NHS in regards to people soda surfing or being homeless

So they did see the nurse practitioner for a a new patient check this afternoon, and my dsis tells me that they were both so disorientated that they are sending someone out to do a home visit in the morning! The nurse couldn't say who it would be but it's gone in as an urgent visit.
Thank god for the good old NHS!

Op make sure your mum is getting 25%discount on her council tax, your sd should qualify for seriously mentally impaired discount and if your mother is also suffering with the same, then the council tax would be free

@ivykaty44
I didn’t know that. I’ll check.
Today’s update- my bloody mother, who I shall now refer to as MBM, seems to have been withholding one of SDs meds!!! The practice nurse said that he’s got 3 meds which he should take daily but he’s only taking 2. MBM has read up on it and said she doesn’t think it’s good for him! The nurse actually told her off properly 🤣. He was also given a walking frame from his last OT, but she left it at their old home because she said looking at it drove her mad.
You couldn’t make it up.

It's almost like she's sabotaging it...

Hi OP. You probably don't have enough energy to do this atm but my first thought is to check both their wills. Because honestly, this is the awful kind of situation where you could discover a nasty surprise (I speak from experience of having to untangle my uncle's intestate estate - 7 years it took). Living wills are so important.

I can relate, my DM hated her DP walking with a frame, said it made him look old.
He was 95 FFS.

It's almost like she's sabotaging it...

That’s why I wonder whether ops mum also has some type of dementia?

Gosh OP that all sounds difficult. I hope SS manage to put some supports in place once they have done their assessment.

OP so sorry you’re going through this
What did the nurse think of your mum in medical terms?

Ginger what sort of things were you thinking? No one can be legally compelled to deal with an inherited mess in the UK, I think? I hope....

MBM had a visit from the Independent Living OT today to assess my stepdad for bathing after I did the SS referral on Monday. What a delight that turned out to be. The OT was fab actually. It seems they can get adaptations made to the bathroom and change the bath to a shower that he can easily access. This is done via a grant and would not cost them anything. It sounded absolutely perfect. However, MBM wasn't happy that she couldn't pick the tiles, have chrome fittings instead of white, have the floor fully tiled instead of a shower tray, have underfloor heating fitted. The OT said if that's what she wanted they would not be able to do the work and she'd have to pay for it herself.
He said stepdad needed a wheeled walker to get round the house but she said she wanted grab bars in every doorway instead because she didn't like walking frames. And on it went. When the OT left, to go and get a bath board as a temporary measure, she said he didn't know what he was talking about and he could bugger off. That was the point I'd had enough and left.
When dsis phoned her tonight MBM told her the OT said she could have the spare bedroom converted to a wet room to her specifications and it would start next week. I give up!

I am wondering how much longer your DSD will be in that house. If he can't be safely washed, moved around or given the correct medication, it becomes an adult safeguarding issue. Social Services may pick up on it. Or else, there is going to be a crisis that tips him into hospital.

The independent living people are wonderful and will have come across people like your DM many, many times. I apologised to an agency once about my MIL, they said not to worry they dealt with this all the time. They are the right people to help your family out.

Bravo, OP. You are doing wonderfully well, and have coined a new MN abbreviation I think. My mother will also be MBM from here on in.
MBM is a little like yours, only more superficially respectable. It's all about what the neighbours will think. She was unkind to DF in his last illness because she knew better than the HCPs involved.

Your BM is easily one of the worst I’ve read about, her selfishness is breathtaking, I don’t know how you’ve not strangled her!!

Yes, she's been selfishly caring for an ailing husband single-handedly. Watching someone she presumably once cared about fade away and resenting the ever increasing lack of control that age and sickness are bringing into her life. What a cow.

@porcupine
I think withholding medication, walking aid etc isn’t caring is it? It’s actually cruel.

So do think she's doing it to be cruel and selfish? Or is perhaps misguided and resentful ?

What about when elderly people themselves refuse help or aids or medication (really very common). Are they just stupid and selfish, or might there be other emotions going on?

@Porcupineinwaiting
If only that were the case! He's clearly not been looked after very well. Up to this move, MBM had been coming up to see the family every few months, leaving him home alone but telling us he had a live in carer looking after him. She admitted she'd just been leaving him with a load of sandwiches and cans of pop, and he just slept in his chair!
Practically everything she has done has been to please herself first and foremost and now she expects her children to not only look after her, but also to look after him.
Now, she can't seem to make a rational decision about anything. For example, she wants a dishwasher fitted into her tiny kitchen which only has one base cupboard available so she'd have nowhere to put her plates and dishes. Her reasoning is that she can use the dishwasher to keep the clean plates in????

Luckily for her, her children, my siblings, are a damn sight more caring that she ever was to us.