Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

[Soontobe60]

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

You are a saint. I wouldn't take any responsibility for your stepfather especially after his track record. All those children ... let one of them deal with him!

With that back story I'm impressed that you keep any contact. good luck and look after yourself.

The arrogance that she is right and knows better than everyone else struck a chord. My father was diagnosed with dementia and this is what we've been battling against for years. It's all on ridiculous things ("I know how to cut that tree down, I'm the only person who understands how to do it")

I've no advice as I'm in a comparable situation. It's very very shit

Bloodyhell OP - YOU need a hotel

@katy1213

I just think it's a sad state of affairs. I used to think that she was a cool mum when we were younger (she was a bit of a hippy back in the 60s) and we had quite a carefree childhood. But in reflection, some of the things we did were bordering on neglect. When my eldest sister left for uni at 18, my other sister was 17 and I was 15. Dm had just qualified as a teacher at 40. She decided to move 100 miles away with my DF and two younger brothers, and paid for me and my DSis to move into a flat. I was still at school! I know that my DF also had a part in the decision, but she was definitely the one in charge. DF came over to see us every Saturday. She came up once a month.
Her only advice when she moved was to tell me make sure I didnt get myself pregnant. She failed to tell me how I was to do that! Fortunately I knew from my one sex Ed lesson in school that naice girls save themselves for when they got married, and sex outside of marriage was for prostitutes 🤣🤣🤣

I think once they're in you need to have a good conversation about boundaries.
She needs to sort shopping
Doctors
Decorators
Etc

Don't get drawn in and I'd be telling her that if they need care they need to get in touch with adult social care as it's not your job, especially for her dh. And I'd be prepared for her to throw her toys out.

@GrockleRock

Luckily my DDs are taking me to Marrakesh in 2 weeks!

I really wish for you that you and your siblings are able to set some healthy boundaries. Seems you mum is a taker, not a giver. Perhaps set her up, get some elderly social services alerted and take several steps back.

It’s ok to drop the rope OP.

Step right back and let her sort it out. You owe her nothing.

I have experience of a very difficult mother and Alzheimers father.

I'll tell you how I see it, with a view to helping you.

You have to get your DM to sort out power of attorney for both Health and Finance. If you're around 60 she's around 85. She won't get better. You and your sibs will find yourself through guilt, duty and no-one else to help trying to sort out more and more. Without POAs I can assure you this will be a nightmare and an expensive nightmare if you have to resort to the Court of Protection. You and your sibs may have to do what I had to do which is to say to DM that you cannot help unless the POAs are sorted out - and because it's a bit complicated (we got solicitors to do this) you will actually have to deal with the POAs yourselves.

I never got on with my DM and have a series of resentments and historical grievances with her. But I think old people should be looked after so I do what I can out of a sense of duty. My bro is much closer to her so he visits more often while I pay the carer (who I found and employ) arranged wills, POAs, changed GPs, deal with house repairs etc. I do visit but not so often because I still feel v upset about the past.

Very old people are extremely hard work. My DM too probably has a degree of dementia but she was so odd to begin with it's hard to detect. My DF is a mild soul who at the moment just copes at home, but this won't last for long.

Can you locate step F's family? Does he have any contact with them? Should they be helping? If he has Alzheimer's they can get a discount/moratorium on council tax. I advise you go to the Carers UK forum because it's full of advice for people dealing with dementia. You could possibly help them with an Attendance Allowance application (it's worth it financially). Dehydration, UTIs, poor nutrition, stress make all elderly people much more confused. Thing is, if you don't help there isn't much of a safety net at all now and you'll probably find them having no help more distressing so you and your sibs may just have to take this on. Praise God you have a DS and a DB who it seems you get on well enough with. My DB is a godsend. I'd hate to be on my own with it all.

Best of luck.

X-posted.. Your mum left you to fend for yourselves at 15 and 17? Christ, I know it is easier said than done, but let her get on with things herself now .

Do NOT get her to set up POA for you unless you are really sure you want to be the one dealing w her shit. Your relationship with her is already poor (no surprise after how she treated you as a child ), do you really want to be the one to step up on this? Even if she has the start of dementia (and that's a distinct possibility) it doesnt have to be you.

My uncle did exactly what your mum has done with regards to the house. He decided to move nearer to us, my aunt was quite frail. A date was booked and a week earlier I had a phone call from the removal van driver to say he, my aunt and a removal van had arrived at their new flat but the sale was not due to be completed for a week. I left work and drove there. They were sitting at the estate agent's quite happily having tea and biscuits waiting for me to solve their problems.
The flat was empty- the owners had moved away- and the estate agent spoke to them and they agreed to rent the flat to them for a week because the exchange had taken place, just completion had not happened.
What became very apparent over the next few weeks was that my uncle was increasingly confused and bossy. My poor aunt was much more frail than anyone had known and she died a month later. He was quite cross and said she had been quite lazy recently with housework. He said some very odd things at that time and DH put it down to all the stress but I was sure it was more.
I took him to the GP who said he had a UTI and was slightly dehydrated. He spent a few days in hospital on intravenous antibiotics and fluids and observation and improved. However, as soon as he was back home he struggled to manage. He got annoyed with people and fell out with his best friend and my cousin- who he accused of bringing up his children with no manners at all and his wife of stealing his books!
It became a pattern and he began to forget things like how to use the entry system on his new flat, how to get to where he lived from the church he attended.
It turned out to be the start of vascular dementia.
I am not saying this is what is happening to your mum but I think you should consider if her behaviours might be deteriorating.
It sounds like a nightmare for you.

Thanks everyone, just being able to rant is very helpful. It's a waste of time ranting at my mum!
Let's hope tomorrow brings good news.

I'm sorry your mum has dumped so much on you (and your siblings) as well as leaving you to fend for yourselves as youngsters.

Self preservation isn't an act of aggression.
You can't support your family if you're run dry yourself. First, secure your own oxygen mask, then look to those of your dependants. Your mother may kick off but she'll survive

What a selfish woman.

This is so hard. Be strong with your boundaries, it's easy to get drawn in and guilt tripped. Sorry you're having to deal with this just when you should be enjoying your well deserved retirement.

You need to decide what you're willing to do for them (including nothing) and stick to it. Particularly during the many emergencies that you can expect. Start as you mean to go on. If you don't like how things are going so far, pull back now before habits form.
It might be worth speaking to your siblings to make sure they're aware of your stance too. Don't get into the idea that between you, you need to provide x, y and z.
From what you've said of the autistic, it sounds like it'll be difficult to have a middle ground - more likely that you'll be uninvolved or overwhelmed.

Autistic = situation

My mother has been through something similar with her own very demanding mother. Expecting my 70yr old mum with multiple hip/knee replacements to climb ladders, repair things, lift heavy objects, be at her beck and call.

You need to chat to your siblings and set boundaries. Just because you have retired, doesn't mean you have to be the one punished and the only one called upon! If something isn't convenience, I've say you already have plans, an appointment etc. Even to just give yourself breathing space and make it clear that you wont drop everything to suit her.

Is she aware that her husbands condition is life limiting and gets worse? The incontinence, shuffling, feeding etc etc will decline. Sometimes in steep stages too. He would be entitled to see an incontinence nurse and get pads at a reduced rate or potentially free. They should also have a call alarm incase of emergencies, and carers to help with washing/feeding etc. How was she coping in their original home?

What you have to decide, with your siblings, is what degree of involvement you’re prepared to take on. I completely disagree with the pp who advised you not to take on a POA, just because it exists you don’t have to use it. They’re a very useful thing to have if everything goes tits up - and it will - and will save you endless hassle and stress.

If you and your siblings decide to wash your hands that’s fine but, from what you’ve said, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Maybe between you, you can decide who’s prepared to do what and assign different areas of support accordingly. What you absolutely don’t want to happen is one of you carrying the entire load. That way breeds resentment and fractured families.

Oh that's horrendous @Soontobe60 ... But I'm sure it will work out house wise. This sort of thing happened to us, I'm in my early 30s and not sure I will ever recover but everyone moved eventually.
Take time off work if possible is al I can advise.
Arrange some doctors appointments or at least contact some advice lines maybe age concern?
Thinking of you xxxxxxxx

You poor family, this is hell for you. It could be the dehydration but I suspect that something more is going on. Social services may be a starting point. What a silly time for them to move when they are to be brutally honest losing their marbles. Strange surroundings will be even more confusing for them.

My mum and grandma always had a very difficult relationship. When my grandma got ill (with Parkinsons and later with associated dementia), my mum felt she had to do a lot because my aunt and uncle were useless and selfish.

It's a terribly difficult situation. If you are going to be involved, just make sure you take time out for yourself. Have dedicated times and/or days when your phone is off, for example!

Hi OP, Just a word of advice regarding your step father's medications. Until he registers at a local GP surgery his old practice are responsible for issuing his medication. Depending on how involved you want to be you can ask them to issue prescriptions and have them sent electronically to a pharmacy near you. It does sound like he is quite unwell.
In our area you have approx three months to register at a local practice before you get removed from the list.

Good luck OP - it does sound a nightmare.