Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

[Soontobe60]

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

Gosh, I've just read the whole thread Soontobe60, what a life you have had with your DM. I can really empathise re the difficult old people. I'm the only girl in my whole family cousins included ! As well as my parents I had 2 unmarried aunts who were my mums older sisters and always treated her badly. I got much worse when my oldest disabled aunt was left on her own when her sister died. She expected my tiny 80 year old mum to move in with her and look after her. She was so demanding and was constantly nasty to my mum and I but everyone else thought she was a lovely old lady! The relief when she passed away was enormous, you could see the stress life from my mum.

Wow, your mum disappears in your teens, visits once a month, doubt she was around when your kids were young, and now rocks up with her dh in tow expecting her loving family to care of her in her twilight years. CF methinks.

My sympathies, OP. As everyone above has said, set limits. I'd use her requests as an opportunity for bargaining with her. Nothing gets done until there are up to date POA's & wills in place. Totally agree with @leli's post Tue 18-Feb-20 21:53:55

You have to get your DM to sort out power of attorney for both Health and Finance... Without POAs I can assure you this will be a nightmare and an expensive nightmare if you have to resort to the Court of Protection. You and your sibs may have to do what I had to do which is to say to DM that you cannot help unless the POAs are sorted out.

DH had POA for his DF - by the time we realized it was needed, it would have been too late to arrange it as he was no longer competent. TG DF had organized it. It allowed us to sort through the disorganized mess he'd gotten himself into - and the first question was always to see the POA documents. I guess we were lucky that only 1 of 4 of our parents needed our help. That was exhausting enough. We are now dealing with probate and very thankful there's a will and that BIL was cooperative enough to sign renunciation of executor status. Two designated executors/trustees is also a nightmare.

She is generally a very capable woman but now feels like she knows better than anyone, including professionals. Sounds exactly like my dad, in his case because he is used to being the Expert and to being privy to information no-one else has access to. Must be very hard for him to realise he no longer has expertise of use (it's nearly 30 years since he was he was active in his field) and is no longer one of an inner circle of decision makers. But understanding where it's coming from doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

How are things now OP?

@LowcaAndroidow

Pretty calm at the moment. She's staying with a friend of mine who has a granny flat, and we are hoping to move them into their own new place on Saturday. However, I got a call from the EA this afternoon telling me that the solicitors server had gone down, so although they have now exchanged, they couldn't complete! She wasn't able to assure me that it would happen tomorrow. I spent all morning finding a removals firm for Saturday morning. I just hope that everything goes through because if it doesn't we're screwed! They can only stay where they are for 2 more days so they may Ave to go back into a hotel. None of us are free on Monday or Tuesday to supervise the move. So potentially the nightmare continues! I made a foolish decision to persuade my DH to come to the Trafford Centre with me this afternoon for a spot of shopping as a bit of a break, foolishly forgetting it was half term!
On a more happy note, my eldest DD has just told us she's expecting another baby. We couldn't be more delighted!

Congratulations 💐

Hurrah! The exchange took place and I picked up the keys for her new bungalow at 4.45 today! They're moving in tomorrow - I just need to figure out how to squeeze the contents of a 3 bed house into a 1 bed bungalow!

Put in the essentials, then fit in the next most important things.
Storage unit or donate the rest.
Good luck

That's a relief! The rest (although huge!) is do-able. One step at a time.

Just read the thread.

My goodness what a ginormous mess! Thank goodness your sibling are there to help a little too. Hope things settle down once they settle into their new flat.

💐💐💐

@Soontobe60 I just need to figure out how to squeeze the contents of a 3 bed house into a 1 bed bungalow!

You dont need to do this..... she does you have done enough running around... put your feet up and plan your marrakech wardrobe instead!!!

@Cati1234

Hahaha!
So today has been full on from 8.30 this morning to 4.30 emptying packing boxes full of shite! My dsis and I emptied 20 boxes, and filled 10 more of them with stuff that's going to the tip tomorrow 😳 Only 20 more to do tomorrow.
My dm and step DF both smoke very heavily, and everything seemed to be covered in a thick coating of nicotine, not very pleasant! Anyway, they have gone to bed early ready to start again in the morning but I won't be there, I'm having a lie in!
I've told them I'll be back on Thursday as I've got stuff to do this week, including finding some nice clothes for Marrakesh 💥💥💥. Mum responded to this with 'oh I thought you'd be able to come back tomorrow now you're retired.' Nope.

Put big boundaries in place!

Well done you for saying Nope
Your mother made her bed.... she’ll have to lie in it

Well done for not being at your mothers beck and call.

Im so pleased you got the initial mess sorted OP, what a relief. But, stick to your guns re boundaries - it is clear that your mother does indeed expect you to be at her beck and call, now that you are retired...

Seems I has being too optimistic! DM phoned me early this morning saying dsf tried to get out last night, totally disoriented and violent. I’ve made a referral to adult social care and they’re coming out this week to do an assessment.

I agree with @AutumnRose1, this does seem a bit attention seeking, however dehydration can cause extreme behaviour so keep an eye on that.

Sorry, for some reason I thought there was only 1 page of posts, ignore my last comment!

Now I've rtft, I don't think they are able to be independent. Social care is the best option.

Being moved out of familiar surroundings and daily routine can have the same effect, so it's not surprising. I think you are wise to involve social services though. I suspect you will soon find that your mum is barely coping day to day and is desperate for help. She's got you in mind for that, you need to ensure appropriate support gets put in place. If she wont accept help that isn't you, then keep calling social services/their new GP (get them registered quickly) and letting them know your concerns.

I agree with Porcupineinwaiting. Seen it so many times on here with OPs being sucked in little by little and their live being taken over by becoming a carer.

Be on guard OP to how much you want to give of yourself

My dsis had the pleasure today of trying to get them registered with a doctor. She had to contact their current GP to get their records transferred over as well as an electronic prescription. Then sort out a chemist to deliver the meds when it arrived. They can't actually see the new GP until they have proof of their new address, which of course they don't yet have. My dm seemed only to be able to organise getting Sky to fitted! She must have phoned me about 10 times today.

@Soontobe60 did you answer all the calls?