The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Long time lurker on this thread finally signing in because I am being draaaaaaiiiiined of all my life force.

welcome sinister want to tell us your story? we've all been there, or are still there.

I have my mum staying with us at the moment, she’s only early 60’s, but has memory problems. Stepdad died pretty traumatically last year, I appear to have stepped into his shoes in doing everything for her, but being treated with suspicion a lot. We are working hard on getting her living somewhere else independently but it’s draining me, dp and DS. Just exhausted. Recognise a lot of reoccurrenct themes from this thread in my life. My Dad is already in a home, he started getting ill in hi early 50s. It never ends.

how long is she staying for? does she have a diagnosis?
Not that that makes any diffrence to how bloody drained you all are... but if you know she is going home in a few days then it might give some cheer.

stick around, there are amazing people on this thread who have all sorts of advice and kind words and good humour

Probably 1-2 months, we are having to renovate her house before she can move in. Very tiring.

oof, that's a long time. I feel your pain. Can you set up anything for her to do without you? or time out away from her for the rest of you? I'm guessing you dont have a separate space for her so you're all on top of each other - time to set up a den in your bedroom with tv, wine, minifridge etc etc if she's hogging the living room? I dont know, just chucking out ideas.

Great idea from yolofish about carving out a space for yourself. Although my DM had her own granny flat when she lived with us but she still wanted to be with me most of the time. It was very draining.

Could you put her to work, polishing, tidying, ironing, clearing the gutters (I'm joking!) anything to keep her occupied? Would she enjoy going to the cinema on her own?

Promise yourself a treat when she finally moves out and keep reminding yourself of it when your nerves are at their most frayed.

We have promised ourselves a night by the coast in a premier Inn when she goes! I do have other family (no siblings) but aside from one Uncle they are fairly flaky. She offers to help with housework, but then forgets unless I keep mentioning it, so the ironing just piles up! I work part time and used to enjoy my days at home, now I feel trapped with her. She’ll say she’s bored but I don’t have the money or time to keep her entertained. Some days she is very appreciative of all we are doing, others she get very anxious about something silly, or be suspicious of our help, or kick off about something. I wake up most days and the first thing I think is “oh god, what’s it going to be today?” which is not how I usually am. To get a bit of space I sometimes pretend to have a headache and go a lie in my bedroom for an hour! I am thinking I could email the rest of family and see if someone can take her out for an evening or something just to give us a break. Sorry to take over the thread like this.

We have promised ourselves a night by the coast in a premier Inn when she goes! I think you need a night by the coast before she goes!

If it's 1-2 months, could you set up something nice for you outside the home every two weeks? - so that you just need to get through 2 weeks before the next treat?

If she's going to live independently, then leaving her at home alone is helping her get used to the idea.

Good idea to ask family for help.

If she's forgetting to do housework, are you arranging a care package for when she moves back home? Can you lower your own standards for a while, just like you might if you had a small baby in the house?

I’ve emailed my extended family asking for help. Just got back from the school run and she started another pointless argument. I can’t cope with this every day. She is very stubborn and won’t accept that her memory problems is any more than “normal age related memory loss”. I don’t think she will accept any help when she moves in from anyone but us. As for cleaning, she kept her old house very clean and tidy so I have no worries about her hygiene when she moves into new house. As for my house I have really dropped my standards since she has been back, but laundry is really something I can’t let slip as we have no cupboard space. Hopefully I am going to hear back from someone in the family.

sinister are you a SAHM? If so I prescribe coffees out with friends, going to gym (or whatever floats your boat) so that you are less available for her to pick at you. And she will have to accept help from somebody other than you if she needs it.

What's her new home set up like? near friends or too close to you for comfort? And does she get all the financial allowances she could be entitled to? Age UK is your friend here.

With my mum, when we told her she could have x amount of elderly benefits and could spend it on a gardener/cleaner she suddenly became very keen on the idea!

Sinister sorry if I missed it but if she’s going to live a,one soon, then what’s the reason you can’t go away for a bit now?

Or better still...can she go away somewhere?

I’ve had one family member respond so far with an offer to take her out. Things are a bit calmer tonight. I honestly don’t think she has the plannng skills now to arrange a holiday, I do all her admin skills. Problem with house is we are on a deadline to finish certain parts to fit in with scheduling carpets etc, DP wants to get it done and rest then. We did have a period of calm last week then things kicked off again this week, I’m honestly not sure if she realises how rude it feels to have a go at someone when they are putting you up! Anyway, she did some ironing tonight, so that’s a success in itself!

Even if you were total besties, having someone in your house for two months is a big ask! My dad always used to say "guests and fish stink after 3 days" and he was right... your space is precious. Can understand DH pov but then I guess he's out at work all day and then perhaps doing the house at w/e? Either way, I'd find more stuff to do away from her (although that's a PITA in itself)

*I don’t think she will accept any help when she moves in from anyone but us.( If she needs help and you refuse to give it, she'll have to get it from someone else. That's how most od us have to manage the situation. Just remember, you're on a knife-edge at the moment, that's clear from your posts. If you keel over, you won't be of any use to her at all. Look after yourself first.

Mum has rearranged some stuff unnecessarily to get out of a social engagement this weekend

She didn’t explicitly say that to me but what she has done is so illogical and unnecessary, it’s the only thing I can think of

I completely understand if she’s not feeling sociable but it worries me in terms of the burden on me. Hopefully it’s just a one off.

as long as she's not relying on you autumn to fill the social gap?

yolo not exactly

But my feeling is, if she stops socialising with others, she might be heading towards being needier with me, if that makes sense.

yep totally get that autumn. Can you be unavailable this weekend?

yolo I’d already said I’d go on Saturday but I have now said I can’t do the following weekend. I totally can but I thought I better lie and claim to be too busy.

I just don’t want her getting into that territory where I’m the only company she wants.

But on reflection, both my parents have been like this in the past. I think I’ve mentioned it - that they suddenly get all needy and want to spend time with their child. To me, it just feels like pressure, but I’ve never been a family person.

I should add, in fairness, she gets really bad SAD, as do I, so that might be it partly.

I think autumn that carving out your own space and not always being available (unless she is in dire straits of course) is a good plan. You need to look after yourself, and not be jumping to her needs. I know that sounds really hard, but from what you've posted you have your own struggles so looking after yourself is really important

yolo yes, I’ve probably got to reduce a bit. Also, if she draws back from her friends, they might stop helping her and that would be bad.

Wise advice from yolo perhaps let her know when she will see you- at a time that suits you?
This is a tough time of year with so much gloom and grey.

It's sounds so draining, autumn. Is there a lunch club for the elderly in her area? They will sometimes collect in a minibus. We signed my DM up for one, I won't say she loved it but the people were very friendly and kind. She often said she didn't want to go but I was insistent and by the time she came back she had usually had a good time.

Cat she’s got lots of friends. Just seems to avoid them recently and this is the first time I’ve seen her deliberately put the kibosh on a plan with one of them.

I do think the endless dreich might be connected though.