The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

yolo "I cannot yet remember DM properly, it's all about her awful last five months, in and out of hospital, care homes, her death was an absolute relief - and I think for her as much as anybody."

This. it's not that I'm in a state every day or anything, but I look at photos of dad looking cheery and it seems like a million years ago because his last months were so bad.

that said, his neighbours were saying how much they miss him today. It was a bit out of the blue so I do think they meant it. We're very close to that neighbour - he's the one who has so many people to look after and I was saying I don't know how he does it. He's a real people person. So I totally see that he really misses dad and sometimes he too hits the wall of "how weird my friend isn't here".

My DM died a fortnight ago, we had a very small and intimate funeral on Friday. I felt like that was her last real day, not the day she died. It was a good day actually, the sun shone, family were together, lovely things were said about her and we toasted her with some vintage fizz saved for a very special occasion. I felt a great weight had lifted.

We did a massive clear out the day after she died, loads went to the charity shops (or, sadly, the tip). It was necessary, and very cathartic. I think if I'd put it off and let her things hang around I would have regretted it and found it harder to dispose of stuff.

What's going to be hard is not visiting her as I used to. Her care home is on a route I use almost daily and it was normal for me to turn in and see her whenever I passed.

I sat with both my parents as they died, and I hope never to have to do it again.

cat I am so sorry for your loss.sounds like the funeral was a fitting way to celebrate her life.

Cat I'm really sorry for your loss

I hope it wasn't my comments that brought you here. It really DOES get better, I promise.

cat so sorry, the funeral sounds like a good day. I also found the clearing out very cathartic, not distressing at all. Now I'm enjoying having and using some of her things.

I wore Dad's watch last week for the first time. I wouldn't wear it in front of mum because I think it would weird her out, but it was nice.

I have his hankies too. I don't really use them as hankies but I just have one in my handbag.

I suppose because both of my parents are dead, we have much more stuff between us (DB and I). Too much in some ways! and we did dispose of a lot. For example, we have a dresser in our porch that was my paternal grandmothers, then DF and DM had it. Neither of us wanted it, but couldnt sell it so I brought it home. Now it's there I cant imagine why I didnt want it! And she would be pleased to know it's being used.

That's nice about the watch autumn. What I am think I am trying to say is that 'things' are memories as much as they are things, not about monetary value but about times/places/events.

yolo yes I can see why it would be nice to have those things.

My mum is trying very hard to get rid of things because she's worried I'll be stuck with it when she goes. Obviously I dread the day she goes, but on a practical level, I'm trying to get her to calm down. I think I would like to review the sentimental and what I might want to keep - and tbh I would end up needing to hire a skip or something for furniture anyway so her getting rid of bits and pieces that she can give to the charity shop seems a terrible shame.

autumn I got the British Heart Foundation round for the furniture. My god they were fussy buggers! wouldnt take the dresser because it has a tiny crack (which none of us ever noticed, it's done good service for about 150 years, bloody cheek!)

Thank you all. It wasn't your comments, Autumn, don't worry, just a general need to say something that's been buzzing around in my head.

I know from losing my DF that feelings will pop up when they are least expected. But I do feel at peace with how her life ended. We had a complicated relationship but I feel lucky to have had her final years to bond with her. I took lots of photos and short videos of her when she was in the care home, silly things like drinking a cup of tea. I've been able to look at them and feel fondness rather than sadness.

I agree about the BHF! They turned down stuff I would have been glad of when we were struggling newlyweds!

yolo the furniture is all in such a state it wouldnt be taken by a charity.

cat glad you have the videos.

that's your decision made for you autumn when the time comes - one less thing to worry about! There are a couple of things I wished I'd kept - one was fleece blanket with penguins on she got free from Damart (!) which DD2 used to like to snuggle under, and she's sad I got rid of that. We also have a spoon made out of a cow's horn which Grandpa made for Granny and she used to scoop flour with it. I have no bloody idea what to do with it but don't have the heart to get rid of it!

yolo it sounds awful but I’m worried about the cost of it. If you can imagine lots of old clunky MFI furniture....no fitted wardrobes in any room....big sofas (ancient) as they used to have lots of friends round. I don’t know how much skip hire costs but I imagine a lot.

Autumn and yolo - it does pass. The further on you get, the more the happy memories come back into focus, and the last few months are less in the foreground.

imaginarycat sorry for your loss I hadn't thought of taking care home pictures, maybe I should. We meant to take pictures at Christmas but completely forgot.

I wore Dad's watch last week for the first time. I wouldn't wear it in front of mum because I think it would weird her out, but it was nice. I feel similarly - I don't feel I can wear Mum's engagement ring while Dad is still around. Mind, I wore his grandma's brooch on his birthday, and he didn't even notice! I do have a very treasured 1920s large blue and white jug which I use for flowers or keep in my display cupboard - she didn't treasure it though!-it lived underneath a set of shelves in the garage.

I'm compiling a spreadsheet of all the things in the house with some value, whether monetary or sentimental. I don't mind the children disposing of them, but I would like it to be an informed decision.

yolo cow horn spoon sounds ideal for scooping bird food.

autumn usually people seem to hire a "house clearance" outfit. May work out cheaper than filling lots of skips.

Dad was in a right grump yesterday. he complained that the basin tap in the toilet was loose because People Had Been Using It to Pull Themselves Up On. I thought that was great coming from someone who uses everything under the sun for support - knobs on chests of drawers and wardrobes, door handles, toilet roll holders ...

autumn I looked at house clearance, seemed to be about £400-500 for a 4 bed house. In the end we decided to do much of it ourselves. We did get a skip as I drew the line at multiple tip runs, think that was about £100.

dint bird food scoop it is then! she'd have liked that too. People Using Things to Pull Themselves Up On

My mum died nearly 7 years ago. I have lots of nick nacks / ornaments that were around when I was a child. Most of which were put straight up in the attic . I have a few items of clothes that have been put away with the intent of either sending away ( often called memory heard of suchlike ) or having a go myself . It's bears, or cushion covers made from your loved ones items.
I also have a few of my mum's diaries.
Been with my oh for years (20+) but never married . We sometimes discuss getting around to it . I have my mother's wedding rings ( only ever married to my father) that I will have melted down to make mine, as they are too big and one was from the 70s when the fashion was for really wide ones.

Mum called today to say she was going out on her own. I asked if she'd told staff she said no, they wouldn't notice. I had to tell her she mustn't , it could put her place there at risk- she said she just wanted to get me a birthday present. I had to drum into her that she must ask if someone would take her. I'm taking her to the dr on Friday so I said we'd go out and get me a present after the doctors. She said she would stay put. But I'm terrified of her doing a walkabout- she'll get lost (it's not a locked place) and then they'll say they can't keep her if she wanders. They say they can't stop her without a Deprivation of Liberty order and neither the home nor I want that (and we probably wouldn't get it if she was assessed on a lucid day). I'm back to stress that she'll get cross and do it anyway.
She's got fat since moving into the home, not enough exercise. They have little exercise sessions but it's too gentle to burn off the calories.
It's my birthday this week, it's the most depressing week of the year (officially) and I'm feeling it.

Could you persuade your DM to buy you afternoon tea as your present @flamingnoravera? Then she might agree to wait at the home for you to pick her up.

I could, but frankly it would be hell for me. I hate afternoon tea and she would go back and eat supper at 5:30!
She's promised she won't go out without me so I'll take her to the big shopping centre and she can buy me something from there. What I actually want is wine from majestic! But that would be no fun for her.

Well at least you've got her agreement. Life with my DM was very tricky when her judgment was impaired but she couldn't accept it. Trying to have a rational discussion with her had me tearing my hair out. I don't think anyone who hasn't lived it can really understand what it's like, and what it reduces you to.

I hope you manage to have a lovely birthday

@MereDintofPandiculation when Mum was in hospital I sometimes got her to video little messages ostensibly for friends / family but TBH it was the most tissue like of pretences.
Claiming you're trying out a new feature on phone or camera is another acceptable pretence.
Re taps, given the tales you hear about chlamydia etc amongst the oldies he HOPES it's just that!
I had a memory bear (two actually one for me one for Mum's OH) made out of the newish dressing gowns he'd (The OH) got her for hospital.
Am still mostly numb but hopefully I'll be glad of it later. I did have a bit of a cry yesterday about the time I'd normally ring her for a chat but even during that I still felt pretty detached, like the physical symptoms of grief had leaked through but not the actual emotion.

grapes for you. Crying is ok though, and it will still come many years later but its different... my dad has been dead 23 years and my mum 14 months. I've cried more for dad than mum, but it doesnt matter - you loved them.

Grapes I think it's a sort of protection - it takes a long time for the reality to seep through and by then, presumably, the pain is not quite so unbearable.

given the tales you hear about chlamydia etc amongst the oldies he HOPES it's just that! The mind boggles! (I've led a very sheltered life)