The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

oh jace I hope you get your days away and all is calm

DD and I are off to Krakow but DS is at home and DB may be available if needed
Dcat has taken up tunnelling

Has anyone used google home or Alexa or Siri device for an elderly person with dementia
We are looking for something we can all remotely access to programme in DMs appointments and reminders but that will also respond to her asking what day is it etc
A visual prompt would also be helpful - I believe some can have a screen attached to them as well

This cheered my day yesterday - could easily be DP Dcat (my 2 are not allowed in bedrooms)

Loving the cat tunnel

Interested in the concept of using Alexa. I have a device in my house tied to my iPhone. It would be great for DM to have something similar that she could just talk to or use to dial, but she doesn't have an Apple device or smartphone. I got her the most basic cell phone and she even has trouble remembering how to use that (though mostly doesn't use it and then the SIM gets deactivated!!) Could I set up an Echo Dot in her house using my phone to activate it, or would that not be possible?

Jace the Echo Show has a screen, though they're considerably more expensive that the Dot. Good investment though if it would help your DM.

Jace has she got a clock which shows the day? My DF has one like this: www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Clear-Clock-Extra-Large-Digital-Memory-Loss-Calendar-Dementia-Clock-Alarm-White-/303283909849

Haven't tried Siri or Alexa - DF is convinced that some organisation from a nearby town is sending him voice instructions via his mobile phone. It seems that a carer suggested he pulled his pyjama sleeves down to cover his arms when he was half asleep, and he now keeps telling me he's getting voice instructions. So I haven't dared to introduce another disembodied voice into the mix!

Top what would your mum use Alexa type stuff for? I'm not sure this tech is great for people who don't do tech in the first place.

Jace excellent cat tunnel.

Mum's got what I thought would be the final hospital appointment re her weight loss. She's done a u-turn and now wants the hospital to keep her on for appointments "in case" something is wrong. I'm a bit flummoxed tbh. Though I know she's very upset about her appearance; being underweight has aged her a great deal.

anyway, I talked to her very gently about it and she said if she is discharged, she won't push for further appointments, but I'm very puzzled by the u-turn generally.

Thanks to @thesandwich MIL has received the lower level of attendance allowance back dated to when I sent for the forms BY POST.
Got the forms mid Oct so has news of backdated payment of £650 this morning. So about 11 weeks to get it processed. Some of this will be headed as donation to Age Concern who sent a volunteer to assist.

That's good news Rinse.

Woohoo rinse that’s brilliant news! So pleased!!! I did hear about it first on here from another mnetter- @grinchly I think....
it can make a big difference!

Am I the only one that thought the title was a black humour reference to elderly parents that seem to survive far beyond expectations, rather like a cockroach in the aftermath of a nuclear bomb?

What doesn't kill you gives you unhealthy coping mechanisms and a black sense of humour... Currently dealing with two generations of older incapacitated adults, so the black humour has been coming out in spades

Avocado no, you’re not. I never use the word on here.

“What doesn't kill you gives you unhealthy coping mechanisms and a black sense of humour... ”

Yes. And in my case, removed what little goodwill I had for humanity. Though to be fair that might have happened anyway.

I really feel for you, two generations.

I mentioned somewhere, the book and film The Limehouse Golem are great. There’s a motif of shouting “here we are again” and I used to feel like screaming that hysterically every time I arrived at the hospital for dad.

Now it’s more like once a week dealing with mum. But the only way it stops is with my own death!!

Thank you to @grinchly as well . Memory clinic appointment soon. Hoping her dementia diagnosis is formalised so we can push for discounted Council Tax on her behalf. This board has been good for lots of reasons - but these money saving tips- dementia diagnosis means reduced council tax payment and order the AA form by post- really do help to make their funds go a little further. Today, with money on her tail, she is apparently considering having someone come in to help. Tiny step forward.

Jace my mother calls me continually. She says her phone is flashing and beeping that I've called her. It's a four button dementia phone. She calls at 4, 5, 6 am multiple times. I've had to ask the staff to take her phone at night and return it at breakfast because she was waking me up (my aunt gets it too) and isn't there if I answer. I wonder if she's sleepwalking in her room at night.
Today she called me three times at work, says it's flashing at her saying I've called her. It's driving me bezerk. She has no memory of it if I mention it when I do call or visit.
I'm finding visiting really difficult unless I've got a reason. So I'm fine to and take her to the dr but going to see her is so hard because we get stuck in the same conversation on repeat ad nauseam.
I feel guilty if I don't go but I need not to go for my sanity.

We have an alexa/echo doo dah for MIL, very useful and she has taken to it well. She refuses a diagnosis, but is 92 and has shown all the signs of dementia for a couple of years gradually getting worse- memory loss (cannot remember how to use kettle, every conversation is turned to her life in Malaya as a young woman, etc) falls, language confusion, obsessions, accusing, hoarding, sundowning, etc - such fun).

She uses it for day/date/time, music (she's Chinese so very useful for this) Chinese language radio (mandarin, cannot find one in her dialect), weather and news.

I use the 'drop in' function on the Alexa in the kitchen (DP obsessed with the things, they are everywhere except our bedroom!) to call her for meals.

BIL1 bought FIL an Alexa for Christmas. He says thank you to it😁

Well, I'm struggling to come to terms with this, as in actually believe it, so maybe saying it out loud will help: appointment with consultant this morning - my own dementia assessment is completely negative. Good news after a year of uncertainty - now I just have to allow myself to believe it.

Oh dint that is wonderful news. So pleased for you.
🌺🌺🌺

dint the biggest yay ever for you! it might take a little while to sink in? and cockroach for you x

Mere did you have any problems or is it a standard check? Glad all is well.

country if I had something like that, I’d do the same, I say sorry to my phone if I accidentally drop it or whatever.

Random stupid thoughts

Mum is making a plum crumble this weekend. I think it’s the first time in my life that home cooked dessert is not dad’s cooking. He used to bring food here in single portions for me to freeze so I’d have a fresh meal after work.

Autumn Noticed I was going into the wrong place at home - eg taking first left into pantry instead of 2nd left into porch. I knew where I wanted to go, and immediately I started the turn I'd know it was wrong, but still ... And my typing is much worse that it used to be. Then had an MRI showing "slight atrophy of R temporal lobe which could be indicative of early dementia". After several months of waiting list followed by about 3 months of tests, cognitive function is fine, and I got to see the neurologist who showed me my scan - it is a tiny amount of extra "black space", a lay person needs it pointed out, and her view is that it may not be shrinking, it may be what my brain has always been like.

It's been any interesting process, but it's been quite grim on MN reading all the posts agreeing that dementia is a cruel disease ...

I think it’s the first time in my life that home cooked dessert is not dad’s cooking. Things like that really hit home, don't they?

Mere ah, I see

If it’s any consolation, I think different levels of discombobulation occur for all kinds of reason but of course I’m not a doctor.

On the subject of food....I’m very lucky that dad used to do that. Mum and I don’t enjoy cooking but he liked it.

More than a year later, I’m still in the position that the last weeks in hospital upset me more than the death. Perhaps I should think about making a living will.

autumn I think it's a process - I cannot yet remember DM properly, it's all about her awful last five months, in and out of hospital, care homes, her death was an absolute relief - and I think for her as much as anybody. But it's the little things, like the pudding. Or that she never met the dog we got 2 weeks before she died, and she would have adored her. We have her cat, he's a really lovely cat, and I hope she would be happy to know that he is settled and loved with us. It's bloody hard.