The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Well I can sympathise there. I have learned that a winter holiday is more essential to me than a summer one. This is a bit off the wall, would she consider a winter cruise to somewhere with one or more friends? DH and I memorably shared a table with eight independently travelling merry widows, some in their eighties. They were a hoot!

• somewhere sunny that should read

Cat her health isn’t up to a holiday sadly. Anyway, if she’s avoiding friends for lunch, I certainly couldn’t persuade her into longer.

However, now I’ve said I’m not coming next weekend, she’s already got a Sunday lunch invite.

I’ve got to head off now but am not spending the night - yay!

That's excellent news about the lunch invitation, and it shows there are people who are watching out for her. My advice is to cherish them if you can, make sure she sends birthday cards and so on to keep the friendships going.

Posting and then will go back and rtft.

Hi. I left my job last July to be full time carer for my mother. 71 yo. (72 in a couple weeks) She's currently waiting on assessment for knee replacement. GP thinks they won't do it as she had a quad bypass in '99. Im hopeful to speak to her heart doc about it at her next apt and if everything's ok from his end then I don't see why not. Only worry there is 3 1/2 yr ago she had AF and had to have a cardioversion. Everything peachy up till now but has had two tiny blips of AF lately. She also has PVD which requires walking but obvs with the knee can't walk. She has arthritis all over the show too, diabetes, hearing loss and some memory loss. And essential tremor. And some incontinence.

I am currently getting her assessed for an in home care package. The Community Nurse was out and is putting things in place. She's got a dietician coming next week, the physio came. He put in a recommendation for the OH to come and assess - we have a front step, bath only etc, and a recommendation for a special chair to make it easier to get up. However waiting list is over a year for OH. (I'm in Ireland). We also convinced her to take a rollator walker with seat instead of her stick - she's a proud woman.

They are also looking into carers coming in to support washing/dressing etc. I've a MOUNTAIN of forms to fill out.

I'm suffering with my own health issues which doesn't help. There is a possibility' I may have Parkinson's, rather than just the Fibromyalgia they thought I have. Seeing the Neurologist in a few weeks. I also have other health issues.

I feel for us all. It's not easy.

You have a lot on your plate, PotterHead1985

Don't let your DM's pride get in the way of you asking for all the support you can get. It's important you maintain your own physical and mental health to be able to give her the best possible care. You might need to spell this out to her.

for you.

cat yes, she does all that.

Sorry, I moan constantly on here.

Potter welcome along. Does your mum live with you?

autumn no need to apologise for moaning we all do it!

potter welcome, that sounds really tough along with your own health issues. I hope all goes well with your neurologist appt. Do you and your mum live together?

We had our hospital complaint meeting about DM's (lack of) care on Dec 6, I chased up a couple of weeks ago for feedback and was promised something by the end of the month - that's next Friday. I WILL be on the case!

and actually autumn you're not moaning and you're doing everything you can to get her to engage with the rest of the world, and she doesnt seem to want to do it. It's bloody hard

@AutumnRose1 yes my DM lives with me. In a very small house. Can be stifling at times!!

Mum also went into hospital just before Xmas. She was really struggling to breath. She'd had a cold and thought it had gone to a chest infection but we couldn't get a docs apt. Then on the Tuesday night/Wednesday morning she got up and she really couldn't breath. Blue lighted to hospital. Turned out she was REALLY anaemic. Haemoglobin of 3!! She got 3 units of blood and a rake of tests. They couldn't figure out why.

Potter so you are doing all this without any help at all?

I hope you get help asap. I live in a flat; there's a guy here who has his elderly father living with him in a very small 2 bed flat, I don't know how he copes.

Would you arrange things so you go out when carers come in? Would your mum consider a care home? It sounds like an appalling strain on you.

Potter even if your DM says she doesn't need help, you clearly do. I wonder, could you ask Adult Social Care to assess your DM's living conditions taking into account your own limitations on being able to help her?

While she is in hospital the onus is on them to discharge her to a suitable place to recuperate. Could you refuse to have her back? I know that sounds hard, but it might be a way of getting appropriate care for her, and a breathing space for you, even if it isn't permanent.

Hi all, I've only just noticed the new thread. Sorry I'm a bit late to the party!

Avocado that made me laugh with your cockroach comment!

My DF went to a care home for respite before Christmas due to general frailty, unable to get out of bed without assistance, etc. I'm certain he'll be staying there permanently, but I haven't had that conversation with him yet. It must be very hard to admit that - and that we need to sell his flat, car, etc. I think he knows it's permanent too -but that's not the same as openly admitting it.

Current issues also include him saying he has no appetite and needs laxatives. Carers say he's eating well and having regular bowel movements. 🤔🤔 I have to assume that the carers are correct. Given that they are changing his pads every few hours, because he can't get to the toilet, I'm sure they are well aware of what's going in and out! 😱

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a ramble. Anyway, hello to all!

That sounds really tough potter. Hope you get done help very soon.

My mum has had memory problems for some time now. Over the past few months she has been getting very confused and has, among other things struggled to tell the difference between my DSs girlfriends - 1 is chinese, the other typically nordic and not been able to recognise me in a photo I was showing her. Physically she is as fit as fiddle and dad has struggled to get her to see a doctor. Finally she has an appointment this week, though I'm not sure for, and guess what - today she was sharper than she has been for months! Which is great but is only going to reinforce her belief that dad is exaggerating. Should I be pleased she was on good form today or worry that she probably won't get treatment that might help. Dad and I have both let the practice know we are concerned.

@AutumnRose1 yep there is only me until we get the carers in place.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas I don't think I could refuse as it's her rental property. I live here as I didn't get a chance to move out before she needed help. And I couldn't afford to move now if I wanted to.

Ah, I understand, Potter.

It is so important to take care of yourself though.

countrygirl that was my experience with my DF, he could be positively loopy one day and then absolutely on it the next. He could always summon up the resources for a meeting or assessment and then usually crashed afterwards. I think the professionals understand this and are used to it. They take note of what carers and family members say.

A friend was told by her GP that the medication didn't actually do all that much so unless someone has a different experience maybe she won't miss out on anything crucial.

Exercise and outside stimuli helped my DM. She declined a lot once she just sat in front of the television all day, but while we were able to get her out and about she did pretty well.

to everyone fighting with and for their elderly loved ones!

Update, I got 2 replies from my relatives offering to take Mum outfit the day in a couple of weeks. So, a start. A couple of very close relatives didn’t even reply, WIBU to tell them to fuck off? Probably but I’m very disappointed they didn’t even acknowledge my email. As for mum sometimes she is grateful for everything we are doing and sometimes she is sulky and says she is bored. The thing is I don’t think I have to be responsible for entertaining her, on top of doing I her house, feeding her, doing her admin and being an unofficial counsellor.

You're doing plenty, SinisterBumFacedCat.

Sinister I’d hold on in case they are planning to help. Some of mum’s friends are like that, take an age to sort stuff and dont reply. They’re doing me a favour so I have to keep them sweet.

For those with parents in a care home, does anyone else dread seeing them? I promised to visit my dad today and I've been feeling anxious about it all day. It's just so sad seeing him declining, even though we've never had the closest relationship. On top of that, we've got nothing to talk about other than me nagging him about things.
Glad you got a couple of offers sinister, as others have said, you may get more once people have got themselves organised. And you are doing more than enough. My dad is in a care home and I feel overwhelmed (admittedly I also have a toddler and newborn to look after 😂) but I'm in awe of how much you are doing.

I’ve just had a go and cried at mum on the phone.

She asked me to do some errands for her, today was the best day and I’m there on Wednesday. Literally after I’d done them - at lunchtime, in a central London shop that no one should have to visit unless they’re being punished for murder - she rang and said “don’t do it, someone else offered”. Then she got all huffy and said “I didn’t think you’d do it today” - she can’t remember how my shifts work, I’m not having a go but seriously, I’m there in Wednesday and it didn’t occur to her I might do them today?

I’m now skipping Wednesday. I can’t cope. Being with an elderly widow who wants my opinion on everything and starts every other sentence with “when you father was here”.

I’m starting to see the extreme weight loss is about her eating. Thought it was stress but it’s not. She serves up such tiny portions of food, I’m going to have to take cereal bars or something.

Gh0stwalk both of my parents spent their last years in care homes. I visited them every other day, because otherwise it would have taken over my life. If I felt up to it I might go on the in between days but I allowed myself the choice.

I don't know if this helps but I used to take illustrated books and magazines in to look at, the coffee table type, aerial views of the UK, that sort of thing, very few words but big colourful pictures. Charity shops are full of them. It's not really what you talk about so much as the interaction. Also holding hands and giving them a hug and a kiss, which ironically I hadn't done much when they were "themselves".

It is hard, though.

Autumn sometimes the frustration just bubbles up, doesn't it? I hope having a cry made you feel a bit better. Your DM will be over it in no time.

Cat thank you. You say “she’ll be over it in no time” - I didn’t realise that before, but yes. And she’ll moan and groan no matter what.

But sometimes I think it’s worse to leave a longer gap between visits because then it hits harder when you go.