The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Going back out into the garden now, wind has finally dropped, sun is shining, and I cannot cope with any more Brexit shit. Mum would be turning in her grave, if she had one, at the state our politics and this country have reached.

Loving the sound of your willow structure nota! I am making a flower bed smaller, bought some horrible flexi green plastic edging (what DH refers to as 'pensioner's edging'!) but it''s crap and I need to find something better. It needs to shape a curve so that I can add some slabs/pebbles to cut the corner off a bed. I know what I want in my head, but I cant find it!

Hi, I’ve been on here a bit before but probably under a different name. I’m really struggling. I will make this as short as I can!

Mum fell and broke her ankle in November. We did the full run of community hospital and care home, but she insisted she wanted to be at home.

We got her home with a package of carers 4 times a day, but it’s not enough. She’s miserable- we Initially put this down to being in a care home, but she went home early March and was still miserable. She’s been seen by a psychiatric nurse but any pills that might help would make her more unsteady.

I came to see her 3 weeks ago and ended up being her overnight carer for a couple of nights - this sounds reasonable but I was recovering from a major cancer op - luckily my 78 year old uncle also was staying and between us we managed the night shift (!)

She was put on antibiotics and was much better by the end of the weekend. She managed ok for a couple of weeks but then started falling again - she was taken back into hospital on Wednesday and has been diagnosed with an infection.

I don’t even know what my question is! Mum insists she won’t go into a home and the social workers have been saying she has capacity.

It’s really clear from looking at the carers record of caring for mum that they have been really passive - if she says she doesn’t want food they just don’t feed her so she’s been living on sandwiches and occasional pizza for the last 2 weeks (she avoids drinking water as she can’t get on the commode, so ends up with uti which makes her fall over)

I live 5 hours away and my sister lives 6 hours away. Has anyone successfully managed carers from a distance?

She has finally agreed in principle to give us a power of attorney but I don’t think she has capacity at the moment

Sorry for the long post but any fresh ideas are welcome!

Toofar I can't offer much advice as this is all new to me too, but can really sympathise with your worries about your DMum's mental health as we're having similar with my dad.

He's been on Seroxat for a while but doubling the dose seemed to make him worse. I don't know why they haven't tried something else - I guess because of other medication. He's also a bugger for not wanting to eat and mum isn't a fan of cooking so isn't much help (they eat well enough but tends to be pre-prepared stuff).

I can't imagine how difficult it is from.tjat distance. Are you paying for her carers, in which case could you switch to a different agency that's a bit more pro active perhaps?

How are you doing? Are you managing to make time for your own recovery?

Thanks Minty - I’m doing ok. I don’t think there are any good answers. I think I’m just so cross that the carers don’t seem to have done anything when DM deteriorated. The carers called an ambulance on Tuesday evening but were told not to stay with her - the ambulance came at 5am the next morning, by which time she’d been on her own since 9pm. She couldn’t stand so had soiled herself- I came down today (which I could only do as I’m off sick!) and the chair covered in faeces was still in her living room. I was so angry the rage gave me the strength to move the chair into the garage. My kids are coming tomorrow and I’m not having them living in s*.

Sorry, just ranting!

No wonder you're cross - that's appalling .

@Toofaroutallmylife

So sorry to hear what you have going on there.

I would encourage you to get the POA in place as quickly as possible. Do you have someone , friend or neighbour who could be your certificate provider ? If so, down load the forms from the internet and get them signed as quickly as possible. A neighbour did ours for my mother, all very simple.

I am 130miles from my mother and would be lost without her live in carers. We use an agency who introduces self employed companion carers. They have been really great. Having them live in my mothers home for s fortnight at a time had made things a lot easier all round. They are called country cousins.

First Mother's Day since DM died and then burial of DF IL yesterday. That week can do one.
On a positive, so proud of my 3 DC. They have been amazing. Middle DC starts her first job today too. Hope everyone has a good day

whatever what a rubbish week. Great to hear about awesome dcs.
cockroach all.

toofar that all sounds like utter crap, I have heard good things about country cousins (as mentioned by finally). Being at a distance is bloody hard, being round the corner is bloody hard... cockroach one and all. (just to add, I still feel absolutely no grief, and just pure relief, that DM went when she did. It's very strange. Mother's Day I had a lovely time, DD1 was home anyway and then DD2 turned up out of the blue, but I didnt think about dm at all. Maybe I've just done all the grieving already?)

Hope you're bearing up ok whatever

Tbh I think this year can do one already...frankly it's totally sucked balls for virtually everyone I know.

I went back to work last week - it went much better than I anticiptated and now have 2 weeks off for Easter, although I'm expecting much of that to be assisting The Olds. Already booked in for hospital trips with Dad two days this week.

I don't know where to start with him and mum is rapidly running out of patience. He's being difficult about eating, suffering with constipation which is making him very anxious and highly strung, and seriously depressed. He's being talking about suicide again today...in actual fact he's incredibly bloody fortunate to be in the shape hebis physically and mum and I dancing attendance on him.

He was such a lovely, chilled out man but over the last few years he'd already changed...this has just made it 10x worse. He seems to have literally lost the will to live and I feel like I'm kind of losing my dad even though he's still there.

minty I feel like I'm kind of losing my dad even though he's still there I think this is a fairly common feeling, maybe its a part of the process? I dont know but glad back to work was better than you expected.

I found the right kind of lawn edging, yay, so going back out in a minute to arrange some pebbles (scottish cobbles from the builders merchant) artfully. I am easily pleased!

Hope you don’t mind me joining your thread. Didn’t even know it existed !
My mum is 90 and has fairly advanced dementia. I am familiar to her but not sure she actually knows exactly who I am. She’s currently in a rest home and needing all care, she’s unable to communicate apart from making occasional sounds or expressions. She’s also sleeping alot. Tends to get agitated when moved and hasn’t mobilised for days.
Last week she was admitted to hospital for a few days with dehydration and her sodium levels were extremely elevated. According to her consultant this is a worrying sign as it means her kidneys are probably not functioning effectively. We had a bit of a chat and came to the conclusion that dragging her into hospital was not in her best interests. All her medications have been stopped apart from the essential ones and hospital admission only if symptoms cannot be controlled. I live over an hour away and have 2 older school age children. I’m trying to get over to her every 2 days or so but unfortunately have no other relatives to share the load iykwim. Only positive thing is that the Kids are off school and fortunately I’m on annual leave for 2 weeks. Rest home have just had the gp in as she’s not really eating or drinking much and ‘agitated’at times (pulling off her covers etc) although not when I’m there. I just feel so helpless. She’s not ready for end of life care but I suspect she will deteriorate gradually. I can’t be there all the time as I have no rels/ friends living round here anymore. Sad thing is when she is more awake she’s so smiley. It’s so awful. Just wondered if anyone had experienced all this before Tia.

caucasian so sorry you have to join us... but we are all lovely! It sounds to me as if it might be the beginning of the end for your dear mum, but also as if the care home and the medics are on the case as much as possible. Sorry, but as long as she is as peaceful as she can be then that's probably all you can hope for.

Here is a picture of my work in progress this afternoon: I need to buy more cobbles!

Thanks for answering yolo ! A bit of gardening is always therapeutic ! My partner is a gardener by profession and a bit of a perfectionist so I often don’t get let loose

yolofish that looks beautiful 😁. Used to be another username, but when you have finished your own garden you are more than welcome to fix mine in Denmark 😁 I'll even buy you gin 😂.
Hope things are better with your dh?

Caucasian, I think yolo is right, it could be the beginning of the end. But some are very quick others take a long time. Wishing you strenght.

THanks tickling

caucasian sounds really tough but it does sound as if it’s only going one way. Make sure the decisions- dnr etc are clear. And look after yourself too- you dint know how long this will go on. Keep something in the tank. 🌺🌺
tickling hello- think I can connect you with you4 other life!😂
yolo that looks lovely.
cockroach all.

unfortunately have no other relatives to share the load iykwim

I'm in the same boat but mercifully most of the time my parents are only round the corner.

yolo garden looks good...I've got a similar project planned for my front garden which is paved but has a central bed and one under the window. Was planning to put plants in, but both areas are fill of pernicious weeds, so am going to pull them all out and stick down some.weed proof sheet and cobbles.

DM was fast asleep in front of the Corrie omnibus blasting out on max volumn when I got to hers yesterday morning, which gave me time to do a bit of weeding and clear a blocked drain cover without her hovering. What joy.

Lovely bit of cobbles Yolo, I'll have to see if I can take a photo of my willow sticks.

Welcome caucasian to the club nobody wants to be a member of. I take it you are a Brecht fan?

yes please nota for your willow sticks pics!

Notaflying not particularly a fan of Brecht but forced to read him at A’level and unfortunately degree Just sounded a good name

Hello ccc and welcome 😀

Wondering whether you read Brecht in translation or do we have two languages in common

Oops, that's three different abbreviations for your name in three posts 😀

finallyhere it was all unfortunately in German if I remember correctly - 30 odd years ago tbh so the memory is little hazy I sadly have forgotten a lot of the vocabulary due to lack of use !

How's everyone doing today?

I've just spoken to mum on the phone - am trying to scale back the calls and especially the visits - partly for my own sanity and partly so mum is used to me being less available when I get back full time in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, carer gave dad a bath this morning - his first in about 2 years (obviously he washes and showers but hasn't been able to manage a bath for some time). She has also has the builder round and set a date for him to start the garage conversion/extension that will give them a downstairs bedroom and wet room. I swear I nearly cried. It will be such a massive load off of all of us to have that in place.

Am going round tomorrow and we're going to do his blue badge application and look at getting him a folding wheelchair ahead of his first post accident trip to the pub for his birthday next week.

Feeling really positive on the surface but incredibly anxious underneath, half expecting the rug to be pulled from under us

Does anyone feel a bit like they have a geriatric toddler though?