The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Yep.

Absolutely. To the extent of using distraction techniques. I did the equivalent of “oh look, a squirrel!” many times this weekend. (I once read this as a tip on Mumsnet many years ago when my DC were toddlers- it didn’t matter if there actually was a squirrel or not).

And I really thought I’d left the poo years behind (which is one of the main reasons I don’t want a dog).

Geriatric toddler 😀

DM was recently supplied with a hospital bed. Very convenient but it did not come with what seems to be called a frame, which provides a post st each side of the bed which DM had been using to haul herself up out of bed

Without this, DM was unable to get herself out of bed and to the commode.

Over a week later, frame delivered. We are now all on tenterhooks to see whether DM can use the commode independently.

If not, we will forever blame the loss of that frame for a week for the latest step towards absolute lack of independence and autonomy. Keep telling myself if might have happened anyway in that timeframe but. Oh dear

cockroach to anyone struggling.

Mine was less of the geriatric toddler, more inclined to go off on a rant about 'men these days can't do anything right, in my day we all knew who was NSIT (not safe in a taxi) blah blah". She got very short shrift from me and the DDs! TBH I should have tried 'there's a squirrel' but useless with both her and DD1...

cockroach to all of us.

Cockroach 🙄🙄🙄

Sorry to jump into thread, I just need to vent (breathe) and don't want to start a whole new thread about DM

Long story short, she's not a well woman... Diabetic/ and under (what feels like) EVERY consultant in the hospital. She was admitted Monday night with severe back pain.

She lives alone and is still independent (if a bit wobbly) but after last hospital discharge (March) adult SS were calling in twice daily to check on her (which in one sense was good, someone was seeing her daily - albeit not doing anything for her --- she gets herself up, washed/dressed/sorts food) so she fired them - felt their time was wasted on her 🙄🙄🙄

Anyway, she moans like no-ones business about the hospital (and tbf its not the best - absolutely no communication...) and how's she's treated "like a sack of spuds" No-one tells us what's going on, and she's had MRI and CT, but no-one can tell us what's going on ...

We are in the process of me becoming her POA for health and welfare, but I have no clue what is expected of me - and what I should expect from the hospital...

My DB lives in America, her brothers and sister all live 2+hours away, I live an hours drive away, but I feel it's all down to me... I also have a FT job (my boss is amazingly understanding so lucky there) but I have a life too ... Plus it hurts financially (I have strict weekly budget £30 fuel £20 food) to keep travelling over to see her (esp when hospital parking is involved)

I've contacted PALS about the hospital communication... But felt like they can't help either 🙄

God, that sounds awful ... also I'm typing on my phone, so it's all garbled ... but I just need it out of my head.

Sorry and thanks xx

Hi everyone

Newbie here who has just found this amazing thread. Have just read all of this one whilst nodding along to what so many of you are saying and I feel I have found somewhere to vent with people who understand.

Welcome ZANYWANY

Hi, has anyone had an advocate appointed for their parent? The hospital discharge social worker suggested this as my sister and I live 5-6 hours away- apparently it’s someone who represents DM’s views in any discussion on her ongoing care. I’m not sure if it’s a dementia-related thing or not. I’ve said I think it’s a good idea as it takes a bit of the pressure (guilt?) off me and my sister

oldspeckled sorry you’re having difficulty getting answers- there are people on here with much more experience than me (lucky them!!) but I’ve usually managed to speak to the nurse responsible for DM to find out what’s going on while she’s in hospital. Unfortunately, as regards to “doing it all”, I think you have to draw boundaries for your own wellbeing and sanity

Welcome to the newbies.

Hen POA kind of means whatever you make it really. For health, it's being an advocate, or being the person they can discuss care plans with if the person loses capacity. Financial POA has been really useful for us as I was able to set up online banking for myself on DM's account, get everything paid for by DD etc so that she wasn't forgetting to pay bills, or fretting about them.

I would recommend applying for Attendance Allowance if you haven't already. I get DM's paid into a seperate account set up just for that, and I use that to pay for things like the gardener, DIY, as well as any expenses I incur on her behalf such as hospital parking, petrol, etc as it all adds up otherwise.

Hello, please may I scream, very loudly?
Went to case conference for mum, she's in hospital for 14th time in four years, multiple falls, UTIs, 'off legs'. Mum's also deaf and has very poor sight because of cataracts.
Unfortunately dad's always had to be the centre of attention and he resents anyone else being focussed on.
Anyway, case conference just went round and round in circles as suspected, with mum saying she didn't want to be a nuisance and would be happy anywhere and dad refusing to do anything or make a decision other than say 'they' don't want strangers in the house 😡😳
I did point out it wasn't fair on mum and that my sisters and I weren't substitute free Carers....
At least the named nurse and the OT were in agreement with me and one sister but heaven knows where we're going from here. Mum's fit for discharge, dad has to make a decision to have either Carers 4x day, a live-in carer 9-6 with two hours break during those hours) at C£200/day or NH. Obviously night carer would be on top if went home. I could see my father's face at forking out money.....
I'm prepared to bet anything you like that she goes home, Carers stopped by them within 3 days, just like the last half a dozen discharges.
One of my sisters has financial POA (unbeknown to me and other sibling, has had for a year), colludes with DF on everything, realistic or not.
Just wtf can I do?

Test

Hello Japonic I feel your pain.
I don't know what you can do as I'm a bit pissed ( don't usually drink in the week).
I can emphathuse as my brother has moved in with my mum, he cancelled her carers as 'they were useless' (his opinion) and is not keen on her getting different ones. However my mum needs and wants carers as we are not always there. She's also deaf.

If your dad is worried about money that carers cost can they claim attendance allowance?

Toofar my DM had an advocacy officer for about 4 months. This was while my DSis and I we’re applying for Guardianship and she was under section.

Hi Japonica - I don’t have any answers but I can sympathise. My mum had a bad fall in November and broke her ankle- we finally got her home a few weeks ago with carers 4x a day.

Since then, we’ve had 2 rounds of the UTI and falling circus. The first time, by complete coincidence, I was staying and my uncle was in the area so we were able to cope overnight when she needed 2 handed care - by the end of the weekend the antibiotics had kicked in and she was mobile again. 3 weeks later we weren’t so lucky and she’s back in hospital.

My dad died years ago so we only have mum to negotiate with! The issue we found with the carers was mum didn’t want to eat at set times and was “resistant to assistance” (!!!). A live-in companion might help with the timing issue, but the social worker is sceptical that mum would be any more co-operative.

Charley "I don't know what you can do as I'm a bit pissed "

this must be a candidate for that "favourite line on MN" thread

Japonica The sibling with the PofA and your father sound like they have a plan together, tbh. That plan sounds like it includes not paying out for carers? Any chance you would talk to them about this?

Hi all. I though about posting this in AIBU but decided it would be a wiser move to post here. I’ve posted before about my DM (has mild dementia and very limited mobility, among other things) And DF (who has bowel cancer among other things). They live in the same house they have lived in for the last 40 years, with carers coming in once a day to help.

DF is now in hospital having his bowel cancer op. In his absence I have been staying overnight every night with DM and then visiting DF and then heading back to my own home for a few hours ( I live an hour away) before heading back to DMs for the night. I’ve also organised for additional carers to come in to supervise supper.

Today I received a phone call from a neighbour/friend of my parents saying DM had headed out across the street to find a neighbour to fix her TV and she was found clinging to a lamppost without her door key. Neighbour insists DM needs 24 Hour care and that I should head straight back (but she can’t sit with my DM in the meantime).

Yes it was a pretty stupid thing for DM to do but I don’t think this means automatically that she can’t be left alone at all. It’s a sunny day and they live on a quiet lane. So AIBU? Should I ignore the neighbour? Or am I being stupid?

MrsCat1 the world is full of people (neighbours, family and healthcare professionals) who are insistent that an older person can't be left alone, but are quite unable to do anything about it!

You can't provide 24 hours care yourself, and if you try to do so, you will end up unable to provide any care at all. There are technological things you can do, eg fit an alarm at the front door so someone knows she has gone out.

MrsCat what dint said, and also please remember that everyone in the whole wide world would do better, more, and far more often than you! In reality, you can only do what you can do and it sounds as if you have more than enough on your plate. Does your mum have carers in the day? get the full amount of DLA/carers allowance etc?

In other news, oldies on here will remember that I was writing a book and some expressed interest. Agents/publishers not very interested, so I've started a blog instead. It is meant to be funny (!) but probably only if you like dogs... you can have a look at www.tammiewin-ettingatlife.com if you would like to, am sure MN will delete me if this is not allowed.

I told my dad that a SW is visiting tomorrow and I shall be asking for a full assessment of his needs. He said "How do I tell her what I need ... I've basically got two needs, 1) to find out what these planes are on the back of this book and 2) to stop being harassed by social workers"

If it wasn't for all the stress and the never-ending phone calls, I could quite enjoy conversations with my father!

I too want to know what the planes on the back of the book are! history of the RAF? had a long and mangled convo with DM once about getting hearing aids for her computer - it eventually turned out she meant speakers

If you can get a pic of the back of the book and post it on here my dad might be able to help out!

Dint your dad sound lovely (I'm sure I would revise that if I was in receipt of the calls though). In a previous lifetime I designed a booklet identifying all the aircraft and missiles of the RAF, the current incarnation (not mine) is online www.raf.mod.uk/aircraft/ but is only active aircraft, and RAF, which may be no help whatsover.

flyingmonkey

I wish my Dad could use that website, he'd love it.

Planes have been his hobby since he was kid but he couldn't do his National Service as he has TB as a kid so RAF was never an option.

He got offered an apprenticeship designing commercial aircraft when he was 21 but didn't want to leave his then girlfriend, who dumped him the following year.

I suppose it's just as well as I wouldn't be here otherwise!

Hi again, back to give a bit more info.

I am carer to both my parents who are in their 80's, my Dad has vascular dementia and my Mum has reduced mobility and recently fell and broke her wrist and now has nerve damage. I have 3 other siblings but 2 live over 100 miles away and the other lives round the corner from my parents as I do.

Feeling overwhelmed at the moment as I am basically the only one who does anything to help them although my siblings who don't live close are a big help when they do come up but it's the day to day stuff I am struggling with. I work part time and have 3 children, youngest is only 6 and my step son has just come to live with us after his Mum kicked him out. Not even been married a year (married old sweetheart last year after not seeing him for 27 years) but I and we never get any time to ourselves. I am close to my parents but feel a bit overwhelmed with the burden of looking after them/worrying about them. That makes me sound selfish and I am really not but after a failed marriage and a couple of really crap relationships I just wanted to enjoy married life with my family but have more worry than before.

It's all so hard isn't it