The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Second dints advice Rosa.
Grace. I get what you are saying- but I suppose mourning defines your dm. Let her get on with it. And do what is right for you.
Still feeling rough here- but call to say dm had fallen so had to take her to a and e to have her head injury checked out- she seemed ok but wit( a cut and huge bruise. Flirted outrageously with the doctor so cant have been too bad.....

Advice oh wise ones- floor covering for kitchen/ bathroom for dm? Currently a sort of laminate.
cockroach all......

Dint "But she has no right to make you a role player in her grieving."

that's it exactly.

I think I only said yesterday on here about being over it, and tbh I feel guilty about that too. I feel I should be grieving longer for a good dad. But I had a full life - for me! - apart from my parents - before this happened. One friend said to me "I know it's hard that you can never turn to your dad for advice again". I was puzzled - I think the last time I asked him for advice was mid-20s.

so it's more accurate to say that her wanting company in grief is just - well, today it's actually just made me feel angry.

the "stopping moving on" is because she won't organise anything herself, she wants me to do it! When I said that, she said "oh okay, well I'll do most of it but can you just help with xyz at the weekend."

and I think, hang on, I'm helping with all the stuff that dad did for you, now you want to add another thing to my to-do list?

cross post with sandwich

"I suppose mourning defines your dm."

yes, it does. I am not stopping her doing anything but I don't want to hear about it endlessly and I would rather not be part of it actually.

sorry sandwich hit post too soon!

I think carpet is the safest thing tbh. I find the whole kitchen and bathroom carpet thing a bit grim but it is safer.

Grace I'm (mercifully) not in your shoes but I can totally understand how you feel.

For me, the funeral would be a kind of closure. Obviously it's not concrete when you lose someone close, and on a personal level I would probably do something low key on birthdays, father's day etc, but I absolutely wouldn't want to keep doing full scale events at all.

We saw the neuro consultant today who is happy that dad's physical recovery is where it should be and we now need to focus on his mental health, strength and physio.

Mum and I looked at a fantastic warden assisted flat yesterday. There is someone else interested but they've only just gone on the market. Mum and Dad are having a valuation on their property tomorrow so looks like it'll be a bit of a race to the finish line, but estate agent has tipped us off that there is another one going through probate currently that should be on the market soon. It would be such a positive move for them and a weight off my mind too, so fingers crossed.

I'm back to work on Monday after a month off with stress. Have had a consultation with occupation health who have suggested a phased return over 4-5 weeks. Work are offering phased return over 2 weeks and have refused to meet my request of doing it over 3 instead. I will have to cope as have no choice but to go back, but am feeling considerably more anxious about it than I'd like.

Minty good that the consultant sees everything on track.

I might have missed some posts - so they decided to look at retirement flats after all?

re going back to work, I hope your colleagues are understanding. I've only ever had phased return to work after illness and injury. It was hard to know what would happen. Is it possible you have anxiety about the change of scene? I went out a couple of times before returning to work - appreciate it's a different thing but I just thought that doing the commute a couple of times would be a good trial run, rather than doing the commute + being back in the office.

I told the managers involved what I was doing so no one would be surprised if they bumped into me while out and about.

I'm still doing the commute a fair bit as DD is at the school I work at!

I'm not good at all in the morning when I have it all going on...3/5 days a week I'm probably in tears before I get to work.

It's just a case of getting in the right headspace I guess...good coffee, good tunes in the car...and it's only a week part time and then Easter.

It's more the post Easter bit I'm worried about but it is what it is.

Minty what's happening in the morning? Just wondering if there are things we can suggest to make it easier.

btw I should add - mum isn't trying to do big memorial things for dad at all. It's just I feel we've had the funeral, the ashes ceremony, a thing for what would have been their anniversary, an obituary for a professional mag which has now prompted her to doing another thing that relates to his work....then I was thinking she will want something on Father's Day, then she's already mentioned his birthday, then there will be the anniversary of his death.

I haven't said this to her, but his death is by no means the worst experience I've had with bereavement - lost a couple of friends in my 20s. It took me about a year to recover from those. I do understand it but frankly I kept my feelings to myself. With the mutual friends, I didn't even call them when I wanted to talk about it, because you could be interrupting someone having a perfectly nice day and just bringing them down.

that thought doesn't occur to mum. Also she probably thought I would spend much longer in that kind of state of grief for my father than my friends. Afraid that's not the case - my friends were a feature of my daily life, plus the shock of losing 20 something friends, one of whom I was due to start flatsharing with, took a few months just to get past that bit. I barely ate food for 3 months, mostly just drank tea with sugar to get through the working day!

That must've been really rough Grace.

I don't know what to suggest beyond trying to tell your mum how you fèel, but I know how hard that can be.

Mornings...I'm naturally more of a night person, although admittedly less so these days.

Tbh I don't love my job...it's a very straight admin role, my background is more creative and I've been able to bring that in to previous jobs but it's just turned out that there's no scope for that, or for any career progression where I am, which is immensely frustrating. It's not all bad, but I don't really feel like I 'fit' at work, in any way really.

I don't like that feeling that between working f/t and my other commitments I'm constantly clock watching.

Bottom line is, I just wish I could be self-employed doing something creative/artistic from home, but that's not going to pay my mortgage.

my friends were a feature of my daily life - yeah, I was just going to say, grieving isn't just about how much you love the person or how good they were, it's also about how strongly they featured in your everyday life. And how untimely it was.

Minty fingers crossed for you.

sandwich downside of carpet is the cleaning - if your dm is prone to dropping food, kitchen will be gross, and if she has an accident in the bathroom, whole house will reek. My experience is what did the damage was the table corner, cooker edge etc that was hit on the way down, rather than the landing, so main requirement is for a non-slip floor. What, I don't know. I would have though one of these textured padded vinyls would give both non-slippiness and a degree of softer landing.

As a matter of course, how long were you in A&E? My experience is that elderly head wounds aren't well catered for - low priority at A&E, but Minor Injuries won't deal with head wounds in the over 70s.

Grace212

I feel I should be grieving longer for a good dad.

There is something important I want to say but am not sure how to express it. It sounds to me as if your mother wants company in her grief rather than being glad that you can get on and live your best life.

By all means get on with your life: I would think that if your father had a choice he would want you to enjoy your life rather than spend it grieving for him. What a waste that would be.

Living a good life is the best way to honour your father, who in a way gave you that life and would not be expected to want you to waste it

How to get your mother to see that is the tricky bit. It sounds selfish for her to try and impose her way of being on you. Resist !

Grace "I was puzzled - I think the last time I asked him for advice was mid-20s" yes, same here, my parents weren't part of my day to day life since I left home at 18 and never lived in the same town as them again, until we moved my mum here after dad died. Which is why like you I'm struggling with her suddenly being such a big part of my life and needing things. I guess the first year after your dad's death will be full of 'special occasions' for your mum, but that doesn't mean you have to mark them all with her, or not more than raising a glass to his memory or something.

Although I sort of have the opposite issue in that Mum really didn't like Dad, and hasn't expressed any grief about him, just anger and depression about the situation she now finds herself in. I think that she maybe thought (subconsciously, or possibly not) that if he wasn't around then she would be able to do all the things that she felt he stopped her doing, but now she is too old and ill to do them. But maybe I am projecting, it's not a conversation I want to have with her.

That sounds horrible - I do let my Mum talk about her feelings, I just don't want to join in the conversations that endlessly criticise my Dad, just as I didn't when he was alive...

And Dint I wanted to say that your reply to me earlier: 'But I can't ask "How do I stop my father phoning me when he's lonely or worried?" I suppose it something to do with rage/despair at seeing one's last few years of healthy life vanish, while knowing that to walk away would make it difficult to respect oneself as a decent person.' is perfect. And heartbreaking. all round.

It does sound very controlling

Minty yes, I've never felt connected to my work either - but you mention there's tears most mornings which concerns me? Is it the dread? perhaps our feelings just come out differently, I def get the dread.

Finally there's a lot of factors there but I think mum just thinks it's the decent thing for me to do, to keep on with marking stuff for the first year at least, and doesn't see why it would "interfere" with my life.

I don't want to speculate but at the moment I'm so angry I don't even want to talk to her. I'm starting to worry about my physical health now.

Maddy I don't think you sound controlling. I am thinking that I need to say to mum that I can't listen to her talk about dad any more and if she wants to do it, she either has to talk to her friends - inexplicably she doesn't like to do this, partly because she saw her husband as the be all and end all and didn't like to talk to friends about the tough stuff - or she has to see a counsellor, which she won't do.

but I can't do it anymore. It's incredibly nice of you to let your mum talk to you about that stuff.

I think mum just thinks it's the decent thing for me to do, to keep on with marking stuff for the first year at least, and doesn't see why it would "interfere" with my life. Can you lie to her? Say that you're not over your dad's death but you deal with things by not thinking about them, and by talking about her ways of remembering brings things back to you and is setting back your recovery?

Dint are you in my brain?

I tried that last week. She believed it. Unfortunately yesterday, the truth came out. I'm terrible at lying in that way.

It was because I thought the work memorial idea had been dropped, so when she rang and said they'd been in touch about it, I just completely saw red and started shouting - which is very unusual for me. I get angry or shout once in a blue moon.

hi all, too many profound things to answer at the moment, but I just want to say NON SLIP LINO for kitchen and bathroom. Only places my mum ever fell over were on carpet!

Drove 200 miles yesterday for new work meeting - all great, but traffic on the way back meant I had to spend the night at the Days Inn at Bishops Stortford services and come home this am. Knackered!

Too much for me to comment on at the moment so can only offer 🍰🍰🍫🍫☕️☕️
Thank you grace and yolo for your suggestions!on the hunt for non slip Lino.......

it's good stuff sandwich although I dont actually know what it's called - could find out when I trot round to pick up any post later if you need? also, in DM's colour it shows very little dirt...bonus!

I just completely saw red and started shouting

Tbh I think sometimes that's necessary, however horrible it feels at the time.

There were a couple of occasions when Dad was in hospital and Mum was being particularly self-obsessed when I spectacularly lost my shit with her (on one memorable occasion she told me dad's situation was worse for her...yep, he's 'only' my dad ).

It was grim at the time but we seem to have come out the other side of it all stronger.

Thanks yolo that would be really helpful🌺🌺

didnt get round there tonight sandwich but have made a note for tomorow x

Thanx yolo
dint we were three hours in a and e- dm is not on any blood thinners etc so didn’t need scans and had not lost consciousness.
She flirted outrageously with the lovely young male doctor.....
sorry too brain dead to add anything profound but sending 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍰🍰and cockroaches to all......

sandwich 3 hours isn't too bad. You were lucky.