The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Hi all, lots to catch up on with everyone. Yolo just wanted to say that from what I remember you and I were struggling with our DM's at around the same time last year. Mine passed away during a time when I had gone non contact as I just needed space from her. Of course if I knew what I knew now it would have been different and of course I have really struggled with how things ended .. but... I know I did what I needed to do at the time. It wasn't a rash decision, it was a careful consideration of my own health and the needs of my own family. We can only do what we can do.
Grace what you said makes total sense. Your idea that it's like visiting another planet is so true! Also the atmosphere in the house. My parents house is now up for sale and it just looks so sad and tired and yet for years it was a happy busy home with so much going on. So many of us totally understand how you are feeling.

Yolo if you strip all the bullshit, arse covering and wanky apologies can you figure out what they're saying? Why didn't they tell you about the pneu - is that what pisses you off most?

Grace like me, you're a dyed in the wool introvert. I am sociable but need a lot of quiet time. Maybe you are over estimating your mum's emotional needs. I think when i lose Dad I'll want to be alone for a while rather than be supported.

Grace As yolo says, it's not your mum, it's the situation you are all in. And it probably is still a bit of your dad. A deep rooted feeling of cheer can withstand depressing surroundings, a feeling that is less secure can be knocked off kilter quite easily.

I think quite a lot of us aren't really interested in small talk. But the subject matter isn't important, it's how we feel our way towards something approaching a friendship. (Is that why it's easier to make friends through a shared hobby? - the "small talk" is more interesting?) How much you tolerate depends on your need for friendship and closeness. You're lucky in that your need for closeness (and you do have some need else you wouldn't be on this thread) can be satisfied on the internet, which wasn't available to earlier generations - and it has the advantage that you don't see people's reactions till the end of what you have to say, instead of seeing their face as you're speaking.

Don't over-analyse, just accept that sometimes you're going to dissolve into tears. Say this to your mum, and reassure her that it's not her personally, it's the situtation you have both been thrown into. (Don't worry if you don't think this second half is quite true - sometimes kindness is more important than truth. And who knows what truth is anyway?)

yolo My dad was in hospital for nearly a month, being tested for everything under the sun. He was then readmitted just over a week later - with pneumonia. He must have had it on the first discharge - indeed he'd been complaining about phlegm for months so had probably had it when he went in the first time. So, yeah, they may not have known. Whether they should have known is a separate question.

Don't feel guilty - "Had I known though, I would have gone and done the right thing." - the point is, you didn't know, and couldn't have known, and on the basis of what you did know, you took the caring and sensible decision that your DH and DCs needed you more.

thigh your post reminds me that there are many ways of being supported. My mum told me about when her best friend's boyfriend died suddenly - for months, her friend would come round in the evening and just sit, without talking, while the activity of the household went on around her.

Someone i give work to is being a massive bitch about my lack of presence atm. I am working but not as much as normal and it's been 5 months since Dad had his catastrophic hospital adventure. Oh btw Yolo only found out last week it was a heart attack - wtaf.

I understand that she needs me to feed her work and I'm trying. But don't be a cow about it. She said - I've been through the elderly parents thing too but i have 3 siblings and they all have spouses as do i and we got on with it.

What does that mean? Is it a criticism of me for being divorced or not having enough siblings?

Otoh of course I want Dad to live forever but I can't live in God's waiting room for the next 5 years. If i knew for sure he had 2 months i would abandon everything and glue myself to him and tell everyone to get fucked. If it's 5 years i can't do that. I do and don't wish I had a crystal ball.

Is it a criticism of me for being divorced or not having enough siblings?

Yep...I know that feeling. No DH, no siblings, no local family. I'm sure every time I make this point other people think I'm being a drama llama...they just don't have a fucking clue.

NB I do appreciate siblings can be a hindrance too.

I was also told by a manager a couple of weeks after my dad's accident that I should welcome the chance to be at work and take my mind off things !

Sending all the and ((hugs)) o everyone in need today.

sandwich you're always so lovely, as thread maker you get overlooked. Thank you for everything. Btw text predict nearly said you were overcooked then.

Dad's physical health has stabilised i think. He is on the rounds now of the community matron and the heart failure nurse. They're very good and we have tinkered with all his meds to what I think is being therapeutic. Just need to up the memantine to see if we can get rid of some of the gaga.

I need to send back the rented wheelchair and buy a second hand one. Just the thought of packing up the wheelchair and contacting the hire company seems insurmountable. Little things are very hard.

Just checking in. thigh thank you.... really appreciated.feeling more toasted than cooked at present. Laid low with an infection myself at the mo- nothing major compared with what you folk are dealing with but leaving me feeling crap and trying to conceal it from dm as cant stand the fuss.
I cannot take credit for starting these threads- @ssd was the founder and many more have carried the baton sadly.
So sorry for all the hassle everyone is handling- things with dm are relatively calm but I can see how tough it is for so many of you.
cockroach all.

thanks so much to everyone who has replied

thigh glad to hear your dad is feeling better.

Cherry we aren't short of stuff to do if you see what I mean - just sometimes I feel horrendous when I'm there.

Whatever I think it was probably a depressing house for a long time, but I was able to just ignore it. As long as two of them could support each other, I didn't have to be there much.

Dint I agree I'm lucky to get my socialising without a huge amount of people, don't get lonely etc. However, I think part of the problem is that helping mum is using up all my "spoons". Not just the emotional ones - the travelling takes a toll on me as well as the general emotional looking after and being around for chat.

Much as I love MN I do have friends IRL who I don't feel motivated to see, because I'm out of spoons. Even before all this happened, sometimes I'd fix a date with them and wish I hadn't, because life, introversion, A&D use all the spoons just in daily life!

I am in that space where I have to delude myself, I think, or how will I cope? I have to keep telling myself it will be okay.

I do wish I had a crystal ball.

I've got a Buddhist book here and I'm thinking I need some kind of book that has nice Buddhist teachings about the specifics of elderly parents rather than general stuff about compassion. Must be a marketing opportunity there!

sandwich cross post

hope you feel better asap!

I'm having next week off as I had got to the point where I knew I was about to snap at work. I've got a backlog of things that I haven't dealt with, a garden that needs attention, and a house that is in dire need of a spring clean. So hopefully I can make a dent in some of that this week, not least of all because we are due some sunshine.

Before I go and visit DM on a Sunday morning, I stop off at a shop in her village to pick her up some shopping. There is a man there who always parks his Range Rover in exactly the same spot, and sits with the engine running for what must be around two hours. My sport is to get their before him and bag his spot. When I do, he sits and glares at me while I come out and put the shopping in my boot. Then starts his engine to move his car.

There are days when I then go back into the shop... just to wind him up.

This is what my life has been reduced to....

Monkey I thought you meant having next week off from your DM initially!

the guy with the Range Rover runs the engine for 2 hours?!

I wish I was having next week off from DM Grace!

Whatever time I get to the shop, if he is there, he has his engine running. (There is a big church nearby, so I reckon he drops off and waits for someone). It makes me irrationally angry, but every time I try and share this with anyone else they look at me like I've overinvested in something trivial...

monkey I'm surprised, I posted here about needing to keep dad's car battery going - I mean on MN generally, not on this board - and people were furious at the idea of running the engine for 10 minutes every so often.

I have actually just cried on the phone to mum again. It wasn't random - something happened in her street - and i just have this sense of being completely overwhelmed, like someone gave me a child I don't want to look after.

when I was last seeing someone, I had an annoying conversation with a doctor who didn't want a 30 something woman to consider sterilisation and thereafter had a nightmare where I had an accidental pregnancy, found out too late for an abortion and gave the baby up for adoption amid fierce criticism from everyone.

Pulling back from mum seems a bit like that. How do I rid myself of the idea that she is my responsibility? Other people seem to have no sense of feeling responsible for their parents at all, which is much more logical.

sandwich I hope you feel better soon
nota I am loving your Range Rover man windup! kudos to you!
grace what you are asking is tricky, and I dont have the answer. I tried to make it about balance, rather than responsibility if that makes sense? So while I knew I was responsible (as was DB, albeit from a distance) I also had a responsibility to look after myself, so had to try and find some kind of balance - that actually worked ok while mum was reasonably well, which I think yours is at the mo? Sorry, that's probably no help at all.

Been in the garden all day, good for the soul and covered in mud now. Still got to dye my hair tonight as new client meeting on Tues and I look absolutely dreadful. Not helped by the fact that DD1 dyed my eyebrows for me and as they are usually invisible I freak out every time I see myself in the mirror!

Grace It's not much help, but I totally know how you feel.

The idea of handing over responsibility for parent care to someone else is a complete anathema to me, although I will have no choice if things deteriorate going forward. I've calculated every possible permutation and there's no way I can reduce my hours let alone give up work to care for them.

When dad was in hospital in the early days and unable to feed himself, people kept asking my why I was eating at my desk and rushing round to the hospital in my own lunch breaks to feed him..."there are nurses there to do it".

Yes, but I could do it, so why wouldn't I?

I am trying to step back as after 4 weeks off with stress I'm due back at work in a week. I'm aiming to only see them every other day, but when I don't see them, I end up ringing at least 3 times. By the time I'm back to my fulltime hours, the care package will have finished and I will lay money now on mum not extending it. Actually have just realised that point falls in the Easter Holidays so I guess I won't be getting many lay ins!

Had a message from Mum this morning and they seemed to have a good start to the day so I've messaged back but not actually spoken to her yet.

I'd like to say it's taken nerves of steel but after an early start, 3 rounds of laundry and a session in the front garden I've been asleep under a cat for the last 2 hours!

Grace it's like being eaten alive isn't it, the need of others. I don't know how I've managed with children, I suppose because I made them and biology does things to you to force you to look after them.

oh yes thigh the need of others... that t-shirt is still being worn by all of us I think. Feeling really low tonight so am going to go to bed soon and hope to sleep it off.

Yes to being eaten alive or devoured by the vortex of despair.
🌺🌺yolo
So good to know we are not alone.

Will we have a votex of despair at the May Fete?

Back again!
I just want to know if life will ever improve?
Took DM for memory assessment on Monday she aced it despite not being able to even remember that she had liver surgery recently or even been ill! So no help at all
Tuesday DD wrote her car off - so stressful, struggling to help her with lifts to work, look at new cars etc n bank of mum re loan
Friday took Dcat to vet to find out he needs surgery which is going to be around 1.5k - not covered by insurance - the X-rays next week are £250+ - I can’t have him put to sleep he’s not even 2 yet and he keeps me sane
Today (Sunday) whilst on way to view a car with DD another car ran into back of me - I was stationary at time - catapulted me into car in front - major damage to mine with lots of inconvenience that I could well do without - my job needs a car and am also away on hols in it very soon
Work is stressing me out - I had minor surgery myself recently so the time off means I’m playing catch up
I’m so fed up I’ve been comfort eating and drinking so my SW diet is suffering!
I just want one thing to go right this week - even one thing not going wrong would be a start
I desperately need a new kitchen and repairs to my kitchen roof - tonight the drawer front off my cutlery drawer came off in my hands and I just howled like the world had ended
Waiting for DS to come home and help me let’s hope superglue lives up to name as that’s all I can afford to do
It’s now getting late and I’ve been making cakes for DM big birthday on Tuesday - I will deliver to DF nursing home tomorrow eve so that they can celebrate together as sadly I’m working away from home part of week
Sorry about length of post - just needed to put it out there

Grace worried about you - there's a couple of flags there suggesting you're at risk of depression. Keep an eye on it, and don't let yourself slide without realising.

oh jace that all sounds bloody awful. Superglue works on most things, I find!
thigh if you live anywhere near Kent you can have mum's wheelchair? used twice I think...

Yolo if you strip all the bullshit, arse covering and wanky apologies can you figure out what they're saying? Why didn't they tell you about the pneu - is that what pisses you off most?

In answer to this: their response was very selective, ignored all concerns pre Sept 12, didnt acknowledge various issues or general very poor comms, didnt acknowledge that her PM had to be in a different hospital BECAUSE they thought there had been a failure of care. Sending it all off to DB today for his input.