The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Happy Birthday thigh! We will all eat cake in celebration . 🧁
Goodness me no one could possibly imagine all the dramas on this thread. If only there was a way to help prepare the future generations for this stage of life.
Well I've admitted defeat. Have come home from work as tearful outbursts are really not the done thing on our reception desk. Just all seems a bit dramatic as quite honestly I'm just tired and this isn't the best example to set to my staff team. Financially not a good move either as I won't get paid when off. Tea and cake it is. Trying to stay off the gin.

(((Hugs))) whatever

...from one open plan reception/office dweller to another. Makes going to work spectacularly shit when you're going it through stuff in a goldfish bowl.

So sorry thigh 🧁🧁🎂🎂🍩🍩

Ooops double posted!

Thanks Minty couldn't have said it better myself! Hope consultant appointment goes ok this afternoon. I appear to have accumulated rather a selection of different gins ( family actually refer to it as the gin fridge) so plenty here if needed . Actually what else is a fridge for anyway ?

I tend to just buy myself a bottle of wine on a Friday evening for the weekend rather than having anything stock.

That said I'm doing a monthly shop on Friday for the first time in years in case it all goes to shit with Brexit so have includes a months supply of sauv blanc and Gordon's pink gin.

Based on today I suspected 4 bottles and 10 cans might be a bit optimistic

to all having a rough time

trying to sort out LPA. Bit confused how it helps with things like council tax. Do you just keep sending the document, or certified copy, to various institutions? Also what happens after that, if we use council tax as an example, does that mean they will only deal with me and not mum?

I'm sure a poster here mentioned something about emailing Power of Attorney to a GP - so I'm guessing that means they scanned it in and emailed it? Is that considered acceptable? It won't always be possible to turn up in person with the document so I just wondered about the practicalities. Thanks.

Dear all, I am so sorry for those of you struggling - and it sounds like there are lots of us. sorry, am so knackered, cant make sense of shit tonight. but I send you all much love, etc, and of course cockroach to all of you.

yolo and everyone cockroach 🍷🍷

cockroach?

trying to sort out LPA. Bit confused how it helps with things like council tax. Do you just keep sending the document, or certified copy, to various institutions? Also what happens after that, if we use council tax as an example, does that mean they will only deal with me and not mum?

Basically, you show the LPA document to every bank and building society, they photocopy, and thereafter will deal with you. My solicitor advised not to try both of us dealing with the same bank "they get confused" - but that was 10 years ago, they may be a bit better now.

Council tax I haven't had a problem - I said who I was, who I was phoning on behalf of, and they were happy to talk to me. I'd be inclined, wherever possible, to simply get your mother to sign a letter authorising the institution to talk to you. Often, all you need, is to have her in the same room as you to authorise them over the phone to talk to you - that works with HMRC, for example. But a letter to be added to her file works better if you anticipate frequent phone calls.

GP required a letter and now will talk to me about my father and has given my on-line access to his medical records. They didn't need to see the LPA - which in any case would have been pointless as it's the Health and Welfare one which is relevant, and that can't be activated until the person has lost capacity.

So in summary

I don't post certified copies - too precious to lose
I use LPA for financial institutions where my father wants me to take complete control
Wherever possible I use authorisation (by phone or letter) from my father rather than LPA.

Thanks Dint

So in the last few days...my counselling has been really helpful and I was starting to feel more positive about the future, mum's foot turned out to be fine, Dad was muddling along and had had his phone counselling consultation and someone is seeing him at home tomorrow. Mum had also got someone to give her a quote for a garage conversion and small extension off the back for a wet room after we'd discussed the benefits of this versus moving to a bungalow or residential care. They've also recently offered to help me with some debt I'd accrued post divorce, which I was hoping might enable me to reduce my hours slightly so I could be around a bit more.

Shortly after I got into bed last night she sent me a message saying that dad had had a rough evening, no carer had come out and she'd had to get him to bed (which tbh is really 'only' a case of seeing him up the stairs and making sure he gets from bathroom to bedroom ok and has what he needs for the night - I have done it myself).

Upshot it she is now saying she thinks they should both go into a home. Offer of financial help is off the table and of course any future inheritance will have to go on care fees.

I have had a sleepless night worrying about the future for all of us. The truth is that (stupidly) none of us ever really envisaged this situation and I know that neither of my parents expected to see 80 (only 2 people in our entire family have made it to that age).

As a result of working fairly low paid jobs and then part time to raise DD for the last 15 years, plus a financially controlling XH, I have never been able to afford a pension. That's what my inheritance was for.

Now of course, mum and dad have to do what's right for them and I will support them 100% if they truly believe a residential home is the best place for them (I'm not convinced as it seems a very knee jerk reaction but can see that if things don't improve we will probably end up there).

What worries me is that a/ they will move and be even less happy than they are now.
Being effectively institutionalised for 2 months has done nothing for my dad's mental health whatsoever. Mum is a 'doer' so being in a situation where she actually has very little to do is not something j can envisage working for her. They are also fundamentally very different people so I cannot see in a million years how living in a small, shared space is going to work.

Also b/ if this is the option they choose, I will need to get my own ducks in a row fast. Over the next 4 years I will lose my tax credits and child maintenance, plus I now need to factor getting a pension going asap and paying in as much as I can afford on a monthly basis. In order to get the kind of job that will pay well enough I probably need to do some retraining and maybe get some kind of practical work/volunteering experience under my belt. I have an idea of what I want to do and have qualifications and experience that tie into that but not so recent and skills need updating. I'm going to have to do this around my full time job, so how the hell am I going to be able to be there for Mum and Dad if they need me?

I can't change my current job at all as it will mean a transfer from working and child tax credit to universal credit which drops by at least 2/3.

I don't know what to worry about most/first the. The constantly moving goalposts are driving me insane. It's like trying to do a 10,000pice jigsaw puzzle without a picture on the front of the box.

And I probably sound like a grabby, entitled bitch too. I'm really not...I want them to do what's best for them, I'm just terrifies and confused as to where we all go from here.

Minty hugs to you

"The constantly moving goalposts are driving me insane. It's like trying to do a 10,000pice jigsaw puzzle without a picture on the front of the box"

yes, this drove me mad as well when my dad was ill.

do you know what prompted your mum to say that about the care home suddenly? Was it because the carer didn't turn up? Tbh my feeling is there should be an option for sleeping downstairs, even if it's not a great option - because a carer could be ill themselves or whatever.

my mother changes her mind about everything constantly at the moment. I wonder if yours will change her mind again. Obviously you have to respect her wishes but I just wonder what prompted that reaction?

also Minty please don't worry about sounding grabby

I have depression and anxiety and want to retire early. My parents never expected to live till 80 either. Our theory was similar to yours - we thought that I'd retire early and live in their house and rent my flat out. Well, a similar ish plan in terms of pooling finances at some point for the family pot so to speak.

Care home fees would put the kibosh on that. there's only mum to consider now, but given that dad was initially told he would die soon almost 20 years ago (!), and mum has nearly died twice in the last 5 years, the care home fee thing isn't something we expected really.

it's ironic that after years of thinking of the horror of someone dying suddenly, we are now thinking of the horror of lingering on. Well, dad is free now, but he wasn't thrilled about that idea either.

not expressing myself well...dad wasn't thrilled by the idea of lingering on and living in a care home.

also wasn't thrilled about dying, but I have waffled enough for one morning!

Grace thank you...your posts the made me cry but it's so overwhelming to know that someone else 'gets it', but I'm so sorry you're in the same boat.

I also suffer with depression and anxiety, compounded by a severely underactive thyroid. Even with all the meds I struggle when things aren't plodding along normally and that has been my life for nearly 3 years now - acrimonious divorce, 2 house moves, change from pt to ft job, mum's had a heart attack, Dad had a week in hospital with pneumonia and sepsis and now this. XH has also announced that he and his new partner are to become foster carers...just as DD is about to start her GCSEs, so I'm worried for the potential impact that could have on her and don't feel I'm emotionally available to support her as much as I should be.

I'd hoped to be able to focus a bit more on putting myself back together this year (with or without financial input from the bank of mum and dad), and longer term, being able to work p/t, travel a bit and retire reasonably comfortably when the time comes.

Now I can see myself working my arse off f/t until I drop, it having to sell my little house that was so hard fought for and downsize in the next few years, and obviously theres the worry of mum and dad on top and no-one in RL to share the load.

No-one wants you about this shit do theym

Btw, re the carer - she spoke to the care agency the other day and said if they were unable to send either of the two regular guys at night, she would rather manage on her own as she doesn't want to be letting strangers into the house after dark.

She always on about looking forward to not having them but that's really not going to work.

Dad seems to be getting weaker rather stronger which is a worry too.

I'm just about to head round there for another summit meeting...I am going to ask her how she would like things to look realistically and what she feels they/she needs going forward.

I feel there is so much more that could be done before resorting to permanent residential care.

Minty I should be working so just quick queries

what can be done to amend downstairs in a way that isn't a big mission? If bed and bath can be done downstairs that's a big help. I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with another poster but there was someone who said that the downstairs couldn't be changed for aesthetic reasons rather than anything else....that might not have been you.

or, can he live upstairs most of the time? It could actually work out better than moving or extending.

That does sound tough MintyCedric

I recognise the 'go into a home' as the solution to everything but it just might not be that great when/if they go for it

When the time came for my mother to consider a home, neither the local lovely home, nor any others had any availability.

Instead, we went for a rota of live in companions introduced by an agency. They come for fifteen days at a time, so one day overlap for handover.

So far it's working well and if/when a bed becomes available locally my mother can try it for a week or two to decide how she likes it compared to the live in companion. Our local lovely home has provision for stays of one or two weeks for respite or try outs. It used to be very popular for respite but us now always full.

Grace that wasn't me. It would be quite straight forward and relatively non-invasive to add a bedroom and bathroom downstairs. They would have to use equity release but this would be offset by the work increasing the value of the house.

If they had a carer in every morning to help out (although mum doesn't like that as she feels she has to be up, dressed, made up etc), I could help of an evening if necessary as am only round the corner. They could the have someone a couple of afternoons a week, for respite...maybe take dad out one day, and sit with him the other so mum could get out and about, and I could pop in as needed over the weekends.

There are so many other things they could do...replace the lawns with artificial grass, get a gardener in to give a good tidy up and then I could help maintain or they could still afford to get a garden in for a couple to hours once a month to weed etc. Tweak the kitchen so they can get dishwasher.

We've talked about all this within the last week and were back at square one again.

Anyway she's exacting me round and I need to pick up their shopping en route so best crack on.

Hope the afternoon goes well, Minty

a separate point - which may not be popular! Re the £ situation, I'd think more about savings than pension specifically - unless you are higher rate taxpayer. Also, I wouldn't get into massive debt to fund further training and boost earning power. All these things are very specific to the individual, of course.

@MintyCedric - re: not letting strangers in at night. Do they have a key safe for the carers? So they don't have to get up and answer the door to N unknown person?

Minty- they need to buy in more care. You don't have to be there all the time for them. Do they get attendance allowance? That can pay for quite a few hours of care, or house maintenance etc.

so how the hell am I going to be able to be there for Mum and Dad if they need me? They don't need you if they go into care - their physical needs are met. Explain your pension situation to them, that while you support them in what they want to do, if they choose that option you will have to work very hard to save and you won't be able to be there for them. That's not blackmail, that's managing their expectations. Care home = care home on their own, not care home with you dropping in every day.

And remind them that they can't transfer a lump sum over to you because it will be regarded as deprivation of assets and theyll be assessed as if they still have the money.