The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Hoping that someone has advice - mother, 89, has advanced dementia but knows her husband, home etc. Currently in local community hospital due to a UTI. Social Workers initially said she could home and carers would restart visits. Was expecting her to go home yesterday. They've now said that she can't as there are concerns. They won't give details and say that she is ok in hospital for now (I think that they want her to move to a care home rather than go home). She isn't ok in hospital - she looks terrified most of the time and begs to go home from the minute that you visit until the minute that you leave.

We have told SS that if they tell us what needs to be done to the house etc we will do it. Still nothing.

They've changed her medication and it is taking her time to get used to it. Again, they didn't tell us.

We don't have power of attorney and I understand that they are responsible for her but we (husband, children) feel excluded and that the hospital would be happier if we just didn't visit etc. Has anyone had any luck in getting Social Services to work with them rather than against them?

If my mother would be happy in a home then we would consider it but she isn't settling in a community hospital and I don't think that she would in a home.

Sorry for the rant but I'm really struggling here.

Alice Just a thought but maybe with the UTI and different routine/ location your mum's dementia has escalated and has said something about the family that has set alarm bells ringing. As the SW don't know you already, maybe they need to check in out.

For example, and this is quite extreme, there was a period of about a week when DM made dozens of convincing accusations about my DF disappearing to have sex in his car with other people. [He no longer had a car and was out food shopping with his Alzheimer's visitor.] The SW team knew mum's accusations were dementia-led.

Alice "They won't give details"

so who is normally at home to look after your mother? I wonder if that's their concern, that the main carer isn't enough or something like that?

sorry you are going through this

Thanks for the responses. She is looked after by my Dad and us day to day with regular carer visits. I think that the main frustration is that we are struggling to establish a dialogue and that they appear to be ignoring what my parents want. Hopefully we will get through it.

Alice I think this is where you need to get SS on side: explain the situation to them from your side, and they should help get her back home (if she's up to that). Maybe go through PALS and ask to speak to the ward liaison person? It's very difficult, and there is also the thing that taking an older person out of their comfort zone can make things much much worse... my DM never had dementia til she was hospitalised and it all went tits up. Equally, if they have the urine infection under control that can make an absolutely massive difference.

but isn't Alice's question, why aren't SS onside already?

I wonder if it's worth contacting PALS. I also wonder if your mother has said something outrageous which they have to investigate for safeguarding reasons and therefore can't tell you.

Thanks both. It appears that the company providing carers don't want to continue the contract and have made some fairly wild statements (untrue and easily disproved by their own contact book).
Hopefully we can start to move forwards.

alice I'm sorry, this is the issue we found with private carers: they are great when the client is compliant, reasonable, easy to handle. Unfortunately, when issues start to arise they back right off - because they can, because unfortunately there are easier clients which makes for more profit.

It's a very hard thing to handle, because you are having to think about your dad as well, and what SS will offer may well not be as frequent or as good as what you are currently paying for.

Did they sort the urine infection out?

alice Although you don't want your DM to be upset in the hospital and her stay prolonged, the extra 'break' it gives your DF will be of benefit. It's really hard to do, but if you can, try to get DF to take a few days' break from visiting to help him recharge. A few skipped visits while your mum is being cared for by the hospital team might give him a tiny boost.

Selfishly checking back in for a hand hold. Kinda needed to close the box in my head for a while but all coming up again now as today I am being 'allowed' to visit my family home ( at a time convenient to my DB when he will be out) for the final time before it is sold. Not set foot in it since the week DM died. It's the only house I knew and now it has come to this , where I'm allowed brief access while accompanied by one of the trustees of their estate.

whatever not selfish at all. I don't know the backstory but I am sorry you are going through this. hugs to you

Oh whatever a hand to hold from me. I am so sorry- you have been through so much.
🌺🌺vent here if we can help.
cockroach everyone in the trenches.

whatever the biggest handhold and huge hug from me - I hope it was as ok as it could have been. I spent months clearing mum's house and honestly it was very therapeutic... cant imagine how it would have been if I was in your situation, so I send you very much love. can we help at all, even with venting and trying to talk you through? xx

Thank you so much. Just sorry not been on here much to support others but soon come running back when things here kick off again 🤦‍♀️. Survived today thankfully despite rather loud sobbing outburst that made the estate trustee rather uncomfortable. Just so sad to see the sad state of a house that had once been so happy and to know this was my last ever chance to spend time there was very hard. Anyway trying to look ahead , that book is closed and I need to be thankful for my own family. Also visited DF today and he has slipped further into dementia and blissful ignorance about all that is happening.

sweetheart... that sounds like a horrible day

whatever you are really welcome to vent or howl at the moon.
So sorry you had such a crap day.🌺🌺

I think the phrase for what I am currently is sandwich carer, but TBH, shit sandwich carer would be more accurate.

Visited mum last weekend and did a bit of gardening. Went in the bathroom to wash my hands and noticed a candle in a saucer. The lightbulb had gone, so she was lighting candles when she used the bathroom. Nothing to worry about there!

DM's light fittings though were designed as instruments for Mensa tests. The one in her bathroom is heavy glass held on by three tiny screws that you can't actually see, whilst you are perched on the top of a step ladder.

I got the fitting off, and the new bulb in. My DM tends to stand right next to me and fuss while I am doing things (mostly because she doesn't think women are capable of doing 'technical' things, which of course spurs me on to do them). However, when I put the light fitting back on, lifted my hand away to check it was on ok, the damn thing fell off, hitting me in the face, before crashing to the floor. Amazingly it didn't break (my face helped break its fall I think). Cue my DM berating me for not being able to do anything right.

All week I have had a black eye, and - as an aside - it took until Thursday for someone (a man at work) to ask if I was ok.

Le merde continue.

monkey oh I'm sorry, what a nightmare! Why does it take a flipping PhD to buy light bulbs these days, and superhuman eyesight to figure out where light fitting screws are? Drives me nuts.

is your face okay, hope it doesn't hurt any more?

Thanks Rosa maybe it's a middle age thing as I also now struggle with child proof locks on things!

Face is still quite sore, I have to remember not to rub my eyes when tired.

I do wonder what has been going through my colleagues' minds all week when I have sat across them in meetings!

I have had a cough/cold on and off since Christmas. Clearly I am massively run down. Missed my last hairdresser appointment as I couldn't bear having to make small talk so generally feel and look like shit. With the addition of the shiner I look in the mirror now and there is no mistaking the hellion looking back!

monkey you poor thing, that's awful to have a lurgy going for so long.

is there any way you can cut back on visits to your mum? My mum would have someone else in to do those jobs before getting us all stressed out.

re middle age - no, when I was in my 20s i remember living in a place where it was an absolute battle to find out how to change the light bulbs. I posted on every internet forum I could find, asked all the neighbours obviously - the letting agent didn't know, the landlady didn't know because she'd never lived there!!

The lightbulb had gone, so she was lighting candles when she used the bathroom. Sometimes an elder trying not to be a bother to others is actually more of a bother!

monkey you sound like you need a break. I know that's not a very helpful thing to say. But if your cough/cold has gone on for nearly 6 months, I'd suggest you see your GP (at least you have the dubious advantage of knowing that it's not going to clear up in the 3-4 weeks that you're waiting for an appointment).

Is your Mum getting any care apart from you? Should she be? Have you had a carer's assessment? - I know you're entitled to an assessment of your needs if you're a carer, but I don't have any experience of how useful this is. It seems to me that what you're doing isn't sustainable long term, and in practice the only way to get help is to force a crisis of some sort. But in my experience, while social workers are keen to take advantage of family, they are at the same time sympathetic and un-judgemental if you say "I can't do that".

nota please listen to the wise ones on here- you must put your health first. Get a gp appt, hair appt- and consider what help you can get in for your dm.
🌺🌺
cockroach all...

I bought mum a really good torch for upstairs and downstairs btw. It has 3 different light bits on it. I think it was from QVC.

she was a bit "what's wrong with candles in a power cut" and I just muttered something about the 21st century!!

Thanks for the support all.

To be fair to DM, she is only a part of the stress. My DS's mental health and behaviour has been a cause for great concern over the last year or so. It has been truly terrible. I don't know when he will come out of the other side, but one consequence is that we have to move house, so on top of everything else, we now need to put the house on the market, remortgage, etc.

nota big hugs, time to look out for you for a bit, even with all the shit going on, could you carve out a day somewhere, or even two half days? xxx

torches made me laugh - clearing out mum's house I found 27!! even DB stopped saying 'oh a torch, I'll have that, they're always useful'!!