The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Hi Spinn I phoned my DM's GP surgery and asked them the best way to raise her memory issues. They arranged for her GP to call me, and I went through my concerns with her - I could see that she was struggling, but knew she would be in denial. GP arranged an appointment for us both to go in for a health check up, and did the initial memory test as part of that. She failed that, and was then referred to hospital for a more in depth test. To be honest, I'm not sure that having a diagnosis of dementia made any difference, other than to put a name to it in her case. She still denies she has anything more than an aging memory, lives on her own and has no idea what day/month/year it is, but then she doesn't really need to.

Hi spinn - my mum is on her own and I’ve been raising concerns with her GP for over a year now. She moved from having memory issues to making up stories- I’m told it’s called “confabulation”. The individual really believes the story is true, and it’s a way of filling the gaps in their memory.

She got increasingly bad, and I kept raising concerns with her GP, but it all came to a head when she fell and broke her ankle.

At this point adult social services became involved, and they have been fantastic through the whole sorry story. I wish I’d got in touch with them earlier.

We’re still in a complete mess, not helped by the fact me and my Dsis both live over 5 hours away from DM. I take my metaphorical hat off to those of you on here that do the day to day stuff all the time.

So (in short!) if you don’t get anywhere with the GP I’d think about speaking to adult social services. But that’s just based on my limited experience

DF rehab review is on Wednesday
Rehab team are working towards final aim of getting him home after stroke in October
I’m on fence with this one as not sure how DM with dementia (still in own home) will cope with him
I’m worried about them becoming isolated and have mixed feelings about if the social care package will work
DF SW wants to call a best interest meeting which has confused me as we have LPOA and do involve him where possible and are acting in his best interests! Just not sure what they will be
Quick summary rehab team say he should go home from nursing home
SW says won’t meet funding criteria as care package he would need would be too high (2 carers x 4 a day for 1.5 hours) so should stay in nursing home
Family not sure which is best and need to consider DM
Current nursing home lovely with affordable top ups n I’m worried if we try to move him home and it doesn’t work out we won’t be able to get him back there as vacancies rarely come up there

Hi, I've posted a couple of times on elderly parents but dipping back in as this evening I've had 40 minutes of listening to my mum ranting down the phone. She seems to have finally reached the end of her tether.

The trouble is my dad (who has Parkinson's) sleeps so badly at night that he falls asleep in his chair during the day. So it's led to them barely leaving the house, which leads to mum being frustrated and lashing out against people.

So tomorrow when I have a mountain of work to do, i shall go to see if there's anything else i can do to give her a break and try to persuade them to go to their local support group. I really do hate this disease and what it's done to my dad

What I don't know the back story

how long does he sleep for?

Jace good care homes - you mean you'd like to keep him where he is? I totally see why. i would hope none of the professionals would stand in your way.

He's sleeping 5 or 6 hours in the day due to the disturbed nights plus his down spells are getting longer. Unfortunately there's no funding in his health authority for a dopamine pump and they refused to refer him on to the neighbouring HA (mine) who were happy to take him on.

We have just put LPAs into place so i will go with him to the next consultant appointment and see what they suggest. Will try and up my visits too.

I think my last posts were more to do with mum who's had 2 falls (breaks) in the last couple of years and coping with my dad whilst she was in hospital.

Jace I hope the meeting goes well. It does sound as though keeping your Dad where he is would be the most sensible option, and least stressful for all concerned.

Would there be scope for your mum to go to the same place should the need arise?

What I'm sending you a virtual ((hug)) as I know exactly how you feel. My dad doesn't sleep brilliantly, but even regardless of that doesn't really engage during the day and will often take himself up to his room and sleep all afternoon.

Mum is anxious about leaving him for any length of time so feels trapped, frustrated and lonely. All the local befriending services cost money which they wouldn't want to spend and probably wouldn't feel comfortable using. They've struggled a bit to get their heads around carers.

I'm hoping we can muddle through until the summer holidays and then I'll try to get her out at least once a week to some kind of group at the local community centre. with a bit of luck if I start her off she'll keep going once I get back to work.

Does your mum have anyone helping her out at all? I've been thinking if it comes to the crunch of seeing if we can get respite care a couple of afternoons a week so mum can either get out without worrying, or someone could take Dad out so she can relax at home.

Thanks MintyCedric They're reluctant to accept outside help though do manage to get to a lunch group once a week. My mum tends to go shopping once or twice a week and is happier leaving him now they have care alarms and a keysafe but she's in her early 80s herself and is not as mobile as she used to be.

I think dad is not keen on going to the Parkinson's support group in case he meets people who are further along the road than he is. He spent years working hard so that he could have a comfortable retirement and now can't he enjoy it and do the travelling they'd hoped for.

I know exactly how you feel about muddling through. It's hard isn't it. Do you have siblings to share the burden? Mine lives abroad so is no help but speaks to them weekly.

No siblings or local family...they have a key safe and dad has an alarm cord since he got out of hospital and mum does manage to pop to the shops and she's having counselling once a week, but nothing really sociable.

I can understand your Dad not wanting to see people further along with Parkinson's...is there anything less specific to his illness he'd be able to manage?

The trouble he didn't have many hobbies before he retired, only golf which he's not able to play. There's a chair yoga group local to them. Maybe i could suggest that.

I send love and and etc to those above still coping.

I had a long phone convo last night with dear friend who lives a long way away. her mum is 86, currently in hospital with dementia and falls, plus various infections. her dad is 91 and has parkinsons, and is mum's carer. Hospital 'want to get her home before Easter' - yes of course they do! but there is fuck all in place, it makes me despair because DB and I were in the same place 8-6 months ago. There seems to be no joined up thinking whatsoever. told friend she has to get onto adult social care and refuse discharge before adequate care at home in place. friend has 2 adopted teens, oldest is autistic, her parents are 150 miles away. No one with any idea of sense would imagine a pre-Easter discharge doing nothing but falling apart, and possibly catastrophically.

Our complaint about mum's care continues to malinger: trust suggested we go to a meeting; DB quite rightly said not until they have answered our complaints in writing. Also requested information about patients/relatives advocates - nothing forthcoming but we are now dealing with PALS so I would imagine it would be them? anyway chucked ball back into their court, and I guess we can keep doing that despite them pointing out that there is a time limitation - only, they lost mum's records (allegedly) so as long as we keep kicking the ball back to them in good enough time until we get answers I think they dont' have a leg to stand on.

cockroach to all.

everyone is very quiet ? I hope that means the mouldy oldies are all behaving and you are all busy planning the Tether's End Fete! Silent Gigolos are booked, the Octogenarian Death Slide team are on the case and making sure the necessary H&S precautions are in place, and dint is girding her loins to ensure the gin tent stays upright and reasonably clean!!

cockroach yolo- still here. I’ll do the cakes- procurement rather than manufacturing is my speciality.....
Had a very good visit from the local falls team for mum- v impressed.
New walking frame delivered next day. Physio at home booked.
Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.

Procurement is a very important and grown-up role nota, not to be trifled with (see what I did there?!!) I love trifle, raspberry preferably.

Good news about falls team, walking frame and physio - fingers xd.

In my good news of the day: mum's lovely buyers have found some more dosh so it looks like we might be on course again, more fingers xd. They are really nice people, and they really want her house so I hope it goes through smoothly.

That's if her weasel solicitor doing the probate can get his arse in gear - he is on holiday again, that's the third time since Christmas!! His assistant has the brain of a hamster, phoned today to ask a question, she had to access the file in another room; then asked a supplementary question and she had to put me on hold while she went back to the file in another room. Would you not either bring the file to the phone, or the phone to the file, like just in case someone might have more than just the one question?? OTH I was lucky to get hold of her, as she is usually 'at lunch' anytime between 12 noon and 2.30pm.

Oh and Ddog who has been here 6 months now has reached an uneasy truce with mum's cat who we took in - this is massive progress, as dog's main desire up until now has been to bounce on any/all of the 3 cats. Hoping she might finally have realised now that cats are Good and bouncing on them is Bad.

Thanks yolo - love the trifle😉😉 i always said to dm I left cake baking to my friend mark spencer as I couldn’t be bothered/ etc so hence procurement rather than manufacture.....
Good news about the house!!! Your solicitor sounds pants.
And good animal news... that must have been a bit hairy with turf wars....

Two weeks off, seen The Olds every other day, even managed to get dad out for a pub lunch on his birthday on Tuesday...then just as I'm gearing up to go back to work...bam!

Took him to GP with mum yesterday expecting results of chest x-ray from 10 days ago. No results have arrived, GP was unable to get hold of anyone to read them over the phone and was not at all happy with his pulse/sound of his chest. She suspects he may have a pleural effusion (fluid at the base of his right lung), and was in two minds whether to have him admitted to hospital, but as he was very anti, there was no x ray results and bugger all is likely to happen over the weekend...

...and have now just had a call from Mum to say dad is insisting he's dying and refusing to get up...off I go again.

All the cockroaches

Oh dear, MintyCedric, that doesn't sound good. Sending you great reserves of patience

Loving the idea of a cat or cats who let(s) DDog bounce, though, yolo 😀

False alarm...turns out dad was having one of his raging depressive moments and mum flew into a panic as per...

Basically he's achy, a bit uncomfortable and very pissed off with life in general. I gave him a gentle but no-nonsense talking to then let the carer take over with the practical stuff and left him watching TV having put away a large bowl of banana porridge.

As much as mum drives me a bit made with her drama llama-ing I do think it stems from.the fact that she really needs a break.

Anyway back home (for now) and going to make some hot cross buns and then do some more fence painting after lunch.

Tuesday morning I've got to get Dad down to hospital for urgent x-ray at 8.30am then back to his GP for results at 11am, then into work.

I was supposed to be going to my counselling session and into work for 11am so have told work I'll be late a d will just have to see how fast dad gets seen. I'm hoping it'll be quick and I can park him somewhere with a cuppa whilst I see my counsellor but realistically can't see that working.

Minty is there anyone around who can help more with things like taking dad to GP?

I help out with a bunch of oldies - apologies for the expression - round my way. I'm in London so not usually driving but take friends' parents to hospital or GP sometimes - I work part time.

I realise your dad might not be comfortable with that though.

last time I posted, mum was moaning about a lunch thing she arranged - I thought it was lovely and I did all the fetching and carrying on the day. (she did the cooking, she likes cooking). After it, she said "well that was all right I suppose" with a grudging face.

if she would rather relax into a quiet old age sitting by a chair, I certainly wouldn't judge, but I feel like she organises things, then moans. She's debating some garden trips but it's all going to mean trains out of London etc and then she'll shrug and say "it's all right here, I guess". So not sure whether to encourage or discourage.

by the time we've dealt with Tube and train connections, got her to the place and round the place, it's so much moaning, even if she asked us to do it. My sister copes better than I do so maybe I'll just let them get on with it. I don't know how some people find the humour to deal with all that negativity?

sorry, that is not a moan considering what others are dealing with.

Absolutely no-one Rosa.

In theory mum could take him, she does drive, but can't cope with rush hour traffic and her own health issues tend to be at their most erratic first thing.

By the time you add in her being highly strung and hard of hearing it's a bit of a non-starter. She's also very prone to exaggerate whatever the docs say (when I'm feeling kind I like to give her the ebenfit of the doubt and put it down to her hearing issues ) so I don't feel I can be entirely confident I'm getting an accurate picture of things unless I go along myself.

I feel your pain with the lack of appreciation too, on both counts really.

I tried for a long time to get dad out and doing things but largely gave up in the end.

Mum is constantly complaining about how busy she is but is one of those people who just can't sit down/hand the reins over to someone else, so she largely brings it on herself.

It is frustrating.

...cats are Good and bouncing on them is Bad.

You must have very tolerant cats...mine would absolutely be bouncing on the dog!

As for solicitors...my divorce solicitor was lovely...like a cross between Elle Woods in Legally Blonde and a particularly feisty Rottweiler...just what you want really, but I think she was on holiday about every 4-6 weeks.

Aaaaaaàaargh! I may actually bloody KILL.

My dad has just booked mum in to a good home for 2 weeks respite in a few weeks. Awesome! Huge and very necessary step for the poor sod, she is deteriorating relentless and the poor man is exhausted and miserable.

So what does my idiot sister overseas say? Oh, she says, I'm a bit worried the home won't be able to cope with mum, so maybe dad should only have short breaks.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU STUPID ARSE!! They are literally experts in dementia. It's what they do, in shifts, for good money. If they can't cope, what the HELL do you think an 80 year old retired engineer can manage, 24/7 with fuck all sleep?

God I could cheerfully wring her stupid neck.

And breathe.

Hello and cockroach to all. Glad the treatment is nearly done, yolo.

Bert what a fecking stupid thing for overseas sister to say.

Minty I must admit, I would probably let your mum take your dad to the hospital etc, you are working full time aren't you? If there will be a follow up letter then that's really the info you need.

it's easier said than done, I know.

jesus bert I hope you've told the overseas (unhelpful) sister to piss off? xx