The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

How's everyone's Easter weekend going?

Last 24 hours have been pretty hideous here but frankly cba to go into it. Let's just say I'm feeling all the cockroaches again today .

Anyway, I came on because I just found this website www.discountsforcarers.com which I though be of use to someone. Had to laugh at 20% discount for Love Honey...I haven't the time, energy or space for dating let alone an actual sex life!

Hi Minty thanks for sharing that website. Maybe that you noticed LoveHoney means there's an area of your life you need to explore or revive?!

Personally I have kept to my boundaries with my DM, and seen her as much as I feel able to, not more, but might also pop over there early evening (if I haven't got too drunk on rose this lovely afternoon).

I am lucky in that she is actually a sweet person, and now that my sibling has moved in with her, it's taken the pressure off me.

My DM has been a complete nightmare.

I know it's because she's worried about everything and anxious about me going back to work, but these circumstances just seem to make her totally self-obsessed and at time downright vicious...if I repeated some of her gems from the last couple of days of probably be referred to the Stately Homes thread and told to go NC.

My poor best mate had to deal with my having an epic meltdown on the phone this morning.

When I was married I saw my parent's on the same day every week which did take the pressure off to some extent for the other days, but resulted in huge tantrums if I wanted/needed to do something else on 'their' day.

I've tried to avoid getting back in that kind if pattern since moving into my own place but am thinking it might actually be the best option now things have reached this point.

Hopefully mum would be less anxious if she knew when I would be around for a bit of support, and I might be able to compartmentalize and feel less guilty about not being available for them 24/7.

minty that sounds bloody hard.

Not been a great day here: one of DD2's school friends hung herself at uni; her body was discovered by another mutual school friend (they all used to dance together, uni is a big dance place). That poor poor girl, and the poor friend who found her. The ripples across so many people. There is a massive fundraising campaign to get her mum over from USA so she can repatriate her baby. Just absolutely bloody tragic. They are all around 19/20 years old.. just such a bloody waste.

And it makes me think, about our oldies who piss us off: just fuck off with your arthritis, and your aches and pains and the neighbour who breathes at you funny: YOU LIVED, however awful it is now that you are 80 something, you bloody LIVED. cockroach.

minty that sounds awful. Nothing helpful to add except try and look after yourself. You can’t fix things for your dm.
yolo I am so sorry to hear that news. Your poor dd and friends. No words.

Life has been relentlessly shit here for the best part of a year. Things terrible with DS. Had to force myself to visit DM yesterday, and listen to her whinge on about everyone and everything. I couldn't even stay to finish my coffee as I just wanted to scream at her selfishness.

yolo that poor girl. How unbelievably tragic that someone so young could feel that was their only option. No words for that really, except MH provision, especially for young people in this country, is fucking awful.

sandwich nota big hugs from me xx

Evening all, not often on here now as my lovely DH helps keep my head level when it comes to my mum, but she rang me this afternoon to say the hospital rang her today (on Easter Monday) to request she comes in on Friday, as xrays she had after a fall last Tuesday have now revealed a shadow on the bone. Several things are screwing with my head:
A) Why the fuck have they only just noticed?
B) She had a major fall with several lacerations, can barely move let alone walk, but suggested she might get a taxi there and was shocked and downright grumpy when I told her in no uncertain terms that her only route to that appointment would be via hospital transport, as they can lift her over the steps out of her home and safely transport her all the way in. My mother likes a swift service(!), and while hospital transport isn’t it, I refuse to try to get her out of the house on foot down her front steps (we’re waiting for a ramp to be put in), when I know for sure I couldn’t catch her if she fell (I severely injured my foot 4 weeks ago and have only just got my boot off).
C) I have straight away rearranged my day to be there at the appointment with her, so meeting her once hospital transport have dropped her off. She is still grumpy at this as she doesn’t believe she needs hospital transport (as long as everyone around her is willing to put themselves at risk of injury trying to catch her, including my 84 year old Uncle, who is in fact older than her but one of her main carers alongside the paid ones and me).
4) I know a shadow on the bone could mean cancer and the speed of appointment doesn’t suggest good news, and I also know that with all her current health issues, chemo and radiotherapy are not possible and she would probably not survive the treatment, let alone any underlying issues. And yet I feel quite numb and very matter-of-fact. I don’t know if she’s had so many dreams and dramas that I’ve just become immune to it, or if calmly managing her medical appointments is correct. Any thoughts appreciated...

Oh nota I am sorry you have so much s#£& going on. 🌺🌺
jonty so sorry about your dm- can quite understand your feelings. No wisdom to add.
yolo sending support through the ether.
cockroach all.

Hugs to all this evening.

yolo that is horrific - her poor family, and the girl that found her

nota it's not always possible to find the patience is it? I was twanging within a few minutes of walking through the door yesterday (hormonal).

jonty ikwym about the constant dramas and becoming immune to them. My mum is a walking medical textbook and constantly poring over Dr Google. Whenever she mentions her health issues I tend to semi detach. Wasn't so great 18 months when she was admitted to hospital and we all (paramedics included) suspected it was a panic attack alongside a touch of angina, and it turned out to actually be a minor heart attack . That said her most recent health scare was a growth underneath her toenail which necessitated a trip to see a private consultant who took a sample. When the review came round she mentioned the possibility that it could be a malignant melanoma and with her diabetes could mean amputation. I assumed the consultant I'd told her this and dropped everything to go with her. Turned out to be bruise underneath her toenail that was taking a particularly long time to grow out...

sorry not to read all posts because falling asleep here...

but yolo I can so relate to that feeling of "fuck off, you lived". I don't want to get old and don't want to seem so unsympathetic, but some of the moans I get from mum that she thinks are actual problems....it's not a lot, but enough to annoy me!

I've tried to avoid getting back in that kind if pattern since moving into my own place but am thinking it might actually be the best option now things have reached this point. What seems to work for my Dad is telling him when I'll next be around. Gives him security of knowing when the next visit is without setting a pattern.

Minty nota I feel for you both. What does "twanging" mean? I nearly lost my patience with mum this weekend.

Jonty it's good that you feel calm and rational. I am going to be blunt and say something that might be wrong, but it struck me because I've been there....It might be that you are relieved because perhaps it seems like some kind of end might be in sight. My dad was diagnosed with a particularly deadly cancer. I was relieved that he refused treatment. I think it was a very wise decision for him, but also the right decision for the rest of the family.

I posted on other threads about moving away from London and feeling I couldn't because of mum. However, I have now floated the idea to her. She's talking about going to a retirement flat. I did say that if I leave London and she goes to a flat, then maybe she could just come with me - my plan is to head for Sussex - but she's a bit unsure about that because she feels there'll be nothing for her to do.

I didn't mean to raise it actually, but summer in London just makes me want to rip my hair out and people seem to be living to about 100!

also not sure what value there will be for either of us in being near each other if all she does is moan.

the fact that things change constantly is one of the hardest things about the elderly parent problem. I wonder if it's better to just say, well, I have no control over her health or her moods, but I do have control over where I live.

I'm sure a lot of the moaning just comes from being sick of being alive and I do understand that, but understanding doesn't make it easier to hear and just increases the feeling that I don't want to spend time with her.

I mentioned upthread that parents have always felt like a chore so it's not going to get better.

I am new to this thread, watching with interest. Not even a carer as such yet but the day is coming soon.

rosa I hear you loud and clear.

I dont know whether it's better to be so close that you can turn round a daily visit in an hour and then fuck off; or whether it's better to be further away so that you cant actually be expected to do the daily visit?

Certainly, as the daughter round the corner I took all the flak, and the boring admin, and when DB and SIL came from 250 miles away they were new and interesting, and as they were on 'holiday' were able to do nice things with mum, rather than fitting her in between daily life.

math nice to see your face as it were, familiar from so many other threads, but its one of those clubs people dont really want to join... however we are warts an' all types here! I am just waiting for my PIL to become the needy ones, MIL was looking awful at Easter and her mobility has really declined. DH and his sister can sort it, I'm wiped out from my own DM and she's been dead 6 months.

thanks yolo

mum is increasingly deteriorating. I would say frailty is her main thing. she can't do very much. so one thing about putting distance between us is that doing even a long weekend visit would be quite grim.

at least with boring admin I have done something, I guess.

I did say to her that I can probably stick London for another 2-5 years and she said "oh well, I'll probably be dead by then"!!

you say "I'm wiped out from my own DM and she's been dead 6 months". This worries me tbh. I mean, I can imagine long term care being awful to do, and then taking a long time to recover from.

apologies for bringing Fleabag into the thread but...I thought it was really interesting that the younger woman marrying the older man said to Fleabag "I'm sure you'd rather I took care of him in his dotage than you and your sister". It was quite out of the blue and I thought it was a really good point.

rosa, my DM was pretty much my responsbility for 10 years, physical decline, becoming less able etc. She was driving up until 18 months before she died - huge relief when she gave up. I didnt do personal care - she didnt need it - but I was her crutch I suppose.

Mentally totally exhausting, and the worse she got the worse our relationship got. Basically because she could find nothing positive in life a lot of the time, she moaned all the time, it was really draining. Then you chuck in the falls, the dashes to A&E, the various bouts of pneuomonia, the UTIs blah blah. But if I hadnt been round the corner I dont know what would have happened... The last 5 months was the worst, and I could only feel relief when she died, in hospital - which is a whole other saga.

Sorry, that was long and all about me!! but yes, it is hard - dont underestimate how hard and how long it can go on for, and try and protect yourself however you can.

Rosa I also thought that Fleabag quote was quite apt.

I think that our elderlies are living far beyond the previous generation. The wonderful NHS is keeping them going physically... so they can moan at us.

Just checking in. Going t@#s up here- dm post fall now cannot walk.
Been there most Of the day- carer putting her to bed now.
Carer will get her up but it’s gonna be tough.
Had honest convos with two siblings.... I’m not h9lding my breath how this translates to help.
cockroach all.......

oh sandwich the hugest of hugs to you, and for the coming days too. Is there enough care in place? Do you and sibs have to rally round?
cockroach

nota quite!

sandwich oh dear, what a nightmare. Is the carer around a lot?

That carer discount website - presume you have to be claiming Carer's Allowance to register? We're not at that stage yet. I did think about it, but mum would argue that nothing we do for her constitutes care, which may be true.

I'm sure we could get Attendance Allowance but she doesn't want to go down that road either.

rosa attendance allowance is well worth having, mine used it for cleaner/gardener etc. you can only get carers allowance if you earn less than £100 a week.

sandwich hope today brings some clarity/plans.