The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

thank you rosa I think contact will just dwindle actually. My kids are now adults (younger one is 20 tomorrow, HTF did that happen?!) so if they want to stay in contact with their cousins it will be up to them to drive it, I wont be seeking out DB for a while unless necessary. Although DN3 is due to have another baby in May, so I guess we will be in touch with her to send congrats, pressie etc, although she was 'disgusted' by my attitude to mum. OTH, DH has cancer and his sister has not been in touch since they came to lunch on New Year's Day, so what do I know about families? Rather hope I've pegged it before the DDs reach this kind of impasse...

Oh yolo “No one person can provide everything someone else needs or wants...”

I think I might put this on a T shirt or something cockroach

yolo

you really went above and beyond for your DM.

does anyone else find they are in a great mood, having a lovely day, or even just a nice average day - then speak to an oldie and it gets flattened?! Some days are just Moaning Central with my mum.

Particularly annoyed today as she wanted to stay on the phone moaning - I'm going round for lunch tomorrow, it could have waited?

rosa I don't think that's talking to an oldie, it's talking to your mum! It must be difficult keeping the relationship going if you find yourself not looking forward to talking to her.

I don't look forward to my father's calls, but that's because at the moment life is difficult for him and his calls usually indicate problems. But once he gets settled, hopefully he will call less and his calls will go back to being enjoyable chats.

We haven't heard from Grace on here for a while. Hope she's OK.

rosa yes mine could suck the joy out of any thing... so depressing and makes it impossible to share anything? because you know it will be knocked down somehow. Too many examples, but one is: my best friend's daughter died, aged 19, from glioblastoma (brain cancer). So we set up a charity to raise funds for research (£190k in just over 2 years so far) and all my mum could say was "how is your do-gooding going?" I think she was actually quite proud, but couldnt bring herself to be nice about it...

dint that is a good point actually. They are not all the same, and your dad sounds remarkable. With my mum, she had been widowed for 22 years and she just kind of lost the understanding that relationships are reciprocal I think. ditto thoughts re grace.

Mere yes, maybe. She has always been someone who enjoys a moan, I think.

yolo well, I'm impressed, FWIW!

Mere actually, I don't think I've ever really "looked forward" to talking to my parents. It was just something on a to-do list.

Rosa that's so sad! I hope mine don't feel like that about me.

£190k? !!!! Wow!

yolo it honestly sounds like you couldn't have done more for your mum, and you've got your own family to prioritise now, so I hope you are able to detach from your brother a bit.

I've had mum having a bit of a meltdown today. Hadn't planned to see them but she asked me to drop something in for Dad. Was met with lunch and then a lengthy character assassination about how I'm not seeing them often/for long enough since I'm on school holidays at the moment.

Fortunately I've now realised this is how she reacts when she's stressed/overwhelmed so after giving her a bit of a mouthful back (pointing out that I've been round there/seen her 4/5 days this week and phone on average 2-3x day - didn't see her one day and we were on the phone 5x), gave her a hug and sat down and had a chat with her. My Dad tried to stand up for me and pointed out all the stuff I've done for them this week, bless him.

Have put plans in place for the next few days for me to do/help with a few admin jobs, and we'll take Dad out for his birthday next week. Spoke to her this evening and she's still quite low but hopefully a good night's sleep will help.

God knows how we're going to make this work when I go back to my usual full time hours in a couple of weeks. They have few friends locally and those that are still around are a fair bit younger and either still working or tied up with grandkids.

A couple of her neighbours have been really good and a couple more are quite friendly a d actively asking after dad.

Starting to wonder if it's worth me reaching out to them as mum seems reluctant to ask anybody other than me for help/support.

dint I do hope things improve for your dad- he sounds so lovely.
yolo that charity work is a massive achievement. Respect!
rosa I know what you mean. Like being punctured. That’s when I try and consciously apply the metaphorical Teflon to my shoulders to try and protect myself.
cedric you have so much going on- reach out to get whatever help or other people involved- please look at carers/ cleaners anyone who can pick up some of the burden.
Do what only you can do. And protect yourself. 🌺🌺

after I posted this, I was thinking it over

sandwich yes, it is a bit like a happy bubble being punctured

but actually I think my parents got better over the years, now mum seems to be reverting back to when it was worse. Perhaps it's swings and roundabouts depending on moods.

I'll be honest, I was particularly annoyed yesterday because I was looking forward to today - mum's got some nice friends coming round for lunch - and she started moaning about she wished she'd not organised it. This was among other moans. I like it when mum's friends come by at the weekend so I can see them. it seems weird and rude to be slagging off people who are meant to be your friends.

then again, even the Dowager Countess said "I have plenty of friends I don't like".

Cedric when you say "how will we make this work" when you return to FT, I'm not sure what you mean? Do you just mean company for your folks? I don't think you can take that on as well as everything else.

please look at carers/ cleaners anyone who can pick up some of the burden.

The thing is, most of it is just general ad hoc social and emotional support that they need. Dad is in a horrible place mentally, and mum is having to do everything and getting nothing in return. He literally eats and sleeps, struggles with speech when he's tired, half the time when he's watching TV he's actually away with fairies and he frequently talks about killing himself.

Mum is actually very capable and a bit of a control freak but she tends to be highly strung at the best of times, and she's currently overwhelmed with everything, although when I sit down and break it down with her it's never as bad as it seems.

She's also terrified of spending money as she's worried that Dad will die and she'll be left without his pension income and struggle financially.

The overwhelm is making it almost impossible for her to make any decisions but she won't let anyone else take over.

I guess I just need to accept that all I can do is my best and let whatever happens, happen.

I've been trying not to get in the habit of regular visits since I moved out, as we've gone that route before and the tantrums when I couldn't make it were epic, but I think I'm going to have to rethink that.

At least if there are regular times I'm seeing them, mum knows when she's getting support/company and I can hopefully just crack on and do my thing outside of those times without worrying or feeling guilty so much.

I don't think you can take that on as well as everything else.

I don't think I have a choice, it's just a case of managing the situation as best I can. I'm finally beginning to make peace with the fact that my life will be at least partially on hold now until the inevitable eventually happens.

God that was depressing!

Tbf it's not just the parents, it's the single parenting and working full time and running a house on my own with no support, and all the practical and financial implications that go with these things.

I know there are loads of people in a similar boat and I'm luckier than many. It just all feels a bit shit at the moment.

It's the constant spinning of plates, isn't it?

I've dropped loads of plates recently. My health, both physical and mental, my work, relationships, etc, have all been suffering as a consequence. A friend said to me that if I was to go down I would pull everyone else down with me, so I am trying hard not to be responsible for everyone's everything.

Went to DMs this morning and she moaned for the hour she was there. I kept thinking, can I try 'look there's a squirrel', but I think I have been stoney faced so long in the face of her negativity that there are no squirrels to be seen. She knows I silently judge her (she really is bloody horrible about anyone that she comes into contact with, and has been for years), and hates me for it. She thinks I am stuck up because I don't join in slagging everyone off. It is always my goal to get there and back on a Sunday morning so that the visit doesn't totally suck the life out of the weekend.

It is always my goal to get there and back on a Sunday morning About midday works for me . "must go, I haven't had lunch yet". Or late afternoon "Must go, I need to get back and cook tea".

any one of us can spin the plates for just so long, but when one goes they folllow pretty quickly it seems to me... it took 5 short months for literally everything to go tits up with mum, until June 5 last year I would have thought it was all fine(ish). Look after yourself my friends...

Yolo as promised, a deadly dull photo of willow sticks.

I like the mathematical precision nota! they will probably root, in our local(ish) park they've made a beautiful little tepee type thing out of bare willow twigs. DD1 very kindly bought me home a bundle of some sort of red willow twiggy things from uni at xmas, they've sat in the porch til now sprouting away so I'm going to stick them somewhere in the field and see if they do. god knows what they are!

to whoever it was upthread who mentioned 'puncturing the balloon' - I feel you.

We've had a lovely day, DD2 was 20 today, DD1 came home from uni this am so we had a pub lunch and then fuelled by several glasses of I cleared out the shed which has not been touched apart from to dump stuff in for about 10 years. Feeling the ache now!

minty you cannot do it all. Even 'just' being the emotional support is too much - we need to start planning how you can divorce yourself a little bit so that you can have some space to refresh yourself. I am too pissed to say anything sensible now, but someone else will xx

So glad you have had a lovely day yolo🍷🍷🌺
Yes minty you cannot shoulder it all.... try carers uk/ carers association- even sitters for your df, support for your mum etc- please make your job to facilitate support. Or it will break you.
cockroach all

Hi, I'm new on this thread but have periodically lurked whilst in denial also but things have come more and more prominent so we need to start reviewing the plans in place for my parents.

Both parents at late 70's and are showing signs of dementia but are both in denial in different ways. My father has stoically accepted his challenges and slowed down and changed what he does to match what he can do and that's chugging along ok. My mother however is trying to keep her old life going and is sinking and I could really do with some suggestions -

She will tell us her memory isn't good so we are starting to broach things with her but she is also fiercely independent and won't stop.

Last week she had an accident which she should have gone to hospital for straight away but left it and went to the drs the following morning who sent her up to the hospital. A few months ago my dad was having chest pain and she refused to call an ambulance and offered some paracetamol because she didn't want to waste their time (luckily my sibling popped in and called them as it was a heart attack).

I'm going over this week and plan to have a frank conversation about medical care but would love it if anyone has any suggestion for ideas which would help here?
Can I contact her gp and flag a concern? The fact she went to the gp about it and is going again this week to ask a question about the injury would back up our concerns but I don't know if they would even listen to our concerns (I know they can't give info out but can they take it in?)

spinn I didnt want to leave you unanswered, but that's what I kind of have to do because I have to go to bed! be assured, someone will read and have good advice for what sounds like a really tough situation - catch up tomorrow but in the meantime or gin, or wine or....