The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

yolo love the blog! V funny.
zany hard won wisdom on here is do what only you can do and get help in. Do they have attendance allowance? Carers? Age uk or carers association can offer help and advice.
Try and outsource what you can. You deserve space to be happy.
nota what an interesting achievement!!
dint hope so goes well- and you find out about the planes...
Here managed to get gp home visit for dm who was complaining about a painful knee following her fall a few weeks back- she was a bit miffed he confirmed the best treatment was frozen peas which i had been advocating for over a week... at least no a and e/ X-ray trip this time thank heavens as I’m full of cold and dealing with other tough stuff......
cockroach, 🍰🍰🍫🍫☕️☕️And Lemsips to all......

That makes me sound selfish and I am really not but after a failed marriage and a couple of really crap relationships I just wanted to enjoy married life with my family but have more worry than before

You really don't sound selfish.

FWIW I've only been in my own home.for just over a year, having lived with parents for nearly 2 years whilst going through a pretty horrible divorce.

At the beginning of the year I was looking forward making some more time for myself, getting slimmer and fitter, renewing my social life and maybe even starting dating.

Then 2 weeks in my dad had his accident and here we are.

Just bought go wheelchair shopping with mum...cockroach one and all

Thank you thesandwich and Minty. So far it's just me going in most days and my older daughter who is 15 stays over one night a week. They have a cleaner and get attendance allowance. We have just started to look at warden controlled places nearby and are looking into getting a few hours help a day. Struggling with getting someone in as I feel I should be doing it.

I have also reached out to my brother and sisters and said that we need to do something as I can't visit daily but our parents need the help.

My grandparents lived with us when I was a teenager so I thought I would do the same but would need to build an extension and give up work but we desperately need my wage as my husbands business isn't bringing in any money. Not quite how I thought new married life would be but thankfully my husband is very supportive.

I think what hard Minty is you imagine how your life will be and it looks good but then it takes some adjusting to get to terms with the fact that you are going down a different path

That's very true Zany.

It's good that your DH is supportive. I'm so glad I'm no longer married as XH didn't get on with parents and it would have been an absolute nightmare having to deal with him having tantrums about how much I was seeing them in top of everything else. He was bad enough when I used to see them once a week whilst he was out doing his hobby, but as soon as his mum/family were involved it was a case 'they say jump, we say how high?'

ZanyWany - don't feel guilty about getting carers in, you have young kids and work and have your own life. They could need care for years if they don't go into a warden assisted place.

It's great they already have attendance allowance - meet with some carers at your DPs house and take it from there.
Only do what you are genuinely prepared to do, and organise carers for the rest.

ZanyWany I agree with everyone about not giving in to the guilt. Yes, it’s really hard but you have a big circle of people who need you, which includes your parents but also includes YOU!

At the moment we can't decide whether to get carers in or to go the warden controlled route. There is a 2 bedroomed apartment available but we will need to take it now if we want it as its in one of the nicer places and they rarely come up available. Think my parents ideally want to remain at home but them if they find its too much in 6 months then we would possibly have trouble finding a decent place that is close.

Will give myself a talking to over feeling guilty, I am lucky as I am close to them and I know how much they appreciate everything I do otherwise it would be harder to cope with.

My mother in law who is 10 years younger than my parents has been making comments that make me realise she is eyeing me up as their potential carers once they need help, all I could think was nnnnnooooooooooooo

zany I so recognise your MIL comment - having done it for my mum, pretty much solo-handed (not personal care but every other bloody thing) DH and SIL can step up for PIL when the time comes - which I am dreading tbh.

Would your mum and dad consider the warden accom right now? esp if you gave them the 'it wont hang around' message and then where will we be?

zany I so recognise your MIL comment - having done it for my mum, pretty much solo-handed (not personal care but every other bloody thing) DH and SIL can step up for PIL when the time comes - which I am dreading tbh.

Would your mum and dad consider the warden accom right now? esp if you gave them the 'it wont hang around' message and then where will we be?

oops, hit return too soon!

The guilt thing: I honestly think it is a waste of time. There will always be someone, somewhere, who is prepared to guilt trip you about what you are doing - enough/not enough/too bossy/not caring blah blah. The thing is, it's not just about you, it's about everyone else you love (partner, kids, etc). No one person can do everything, and if someone else expects you to then you know they are the unreasonable one, not you. It is not selfish to care about yourself or your immediate family, in fact it's only by doing that that you can have the energy to support others.

Thank you for kind words about blog, I need to sort some tech issues (friend asked me today how to subscribe? no bloody idea!) and then going to start social media-ing it.

cockroach one and all, TFIF!

oh FGS, not only hit return too soon but posted first bit twice. More reqd.

zany you must absolutely get help, whether carers or warden controlled. There are things only you can do - helping with (and later making) decisions, generally managing what happens. At the moment that is taking me the best part of two whole days a week, along with lower level input on the other 5 days. You can't do that and do every day care as well.

The difference between now and when your grandparents were around is, first, that life expectancy has increased, and healthy life expectancy has increased by less, so the end-of-life declining health period has increased, and second, that people are far less likely to die of heart disease and instead linger on into the hell of dementia. You can park a frail elderly person in your spare bedroom to see out their last year or so, you cannot do the same with an ever more demanding dementia patient who may live for years and years.

For those who were asking - it was a Handley Page Hastings - he now wants to know its number!

I'm feeling quite chipper after my visit - I met the resident Robo-cat, a big marmalade and white thing that miaows at you until you stroke him, then purrs, and if you are really attentive, rolls over on his back. I knew they'd been given one by a local charity a few years back, so I asked about him, and he was brought out to see me.

I think the warden flat might be a great option Zany. And as others have said parents can need some sort of care for years and years.. my DM has been reliant on others for 15-20 years now and is still going strong, in her frail way, but needing more and more care. My boundary is one evening visit per week and one daytime visit at the weekend. But there's all the other stuff to constantly do for them. How did my life get like this? Anyway I'm sure I'm repeating myself here..

yolo I have said to DH that I am happy to help his parents when older but primary care needs to be SIL. Saw them tonight and they both seem keen on warden controlled so just need to talk to siblings

Very trueMere and Charley* that they could be ok for 5-10 years but I would definitely burn out by then

Actually, on the subject of guilt, I have just literally this minute had a kind of epiphany, which I will try to explain... sorry might be a bit long and rambling.

I was the 'daughter round the corner' for mum for 20 years - increasingly more so over the last 10 as her health declined. I did the day to day grind, admin, shopping, taking to appointments, liaison with whoever etc. Visited at least 5 days out of 7 and then more often as she got worse, accompanied by the DDs as and when they were around, all while running my own life/work/home. Dealt with all the medical emergencies, the calling the ambulances, the hospital admissions etc.

DB and SIL got to ride in like the famous white knights for 3-4 days here and then, taking mum out for little lunches, to the garden centre, planting her pots for her, doing manly things like changing light bulbs. So they were the perceived heroes - because they were fresh and interesting, and because when they visited they didn't have real life to deal with.

Yet DB feels terrible guilt about the way my mother died (on previous threads) and lays enormous blame on me for not being caring enough, for not accepting his status quo - she's lovely, she'll be fine. To the point where we had a terrible argument (instigated by SIL actually) and our relationship I dont think will ever be the same again.

Despite the fact that he was the white knight, I can remember, about 5 years ago, him being absolutely vicious to our mum, to the point where I had to physically stand in between the two of them - she was 83ish then and very frail; I am 5'4", he is 5'11", and I had to literally get in between them because of his verbal abuse and standing over her while she cowered in her chair.

But I have just realised: that's all about HIS guilt, not my guilt. I did every bloody thing I could for 10 years, it might not have matched his expectations, but that doesn't matter when you are not the person on the ground doing the daily grind. I have no guilt to bear for what happened to mum - it was truly awful, but I did the best I could at every stage. And I should be proud of what I did, and actually, I am.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant!

And I should be proud of what I did, and actually, I am.

Something to aspire to, yolo : none of us could have better to say

Absolutely right Yolo. Very well explained and I agree with all you said. Funny how in the middle of other things the moments of clarity suddenly appear.

It's interesting how many of us take on that projected guilt, and the clear message that we could/should be doing more, be it from siblings, Drs, neighbours, etc.

Very often when I try to get DB to take on tasks he will either say I don't know how to do that, or ask me so many questions I could have done it myself in the time, or agree to things and drop out at the last minute. I am pretty sure his DW thinks the responsiblity for these things lies with me as the daughter round the corner.

yolo thank you for that moment of clarity. That explains things perfectly. And I am so glad you can see that you did the best you could.
His s#£& not yours. 🌺🌺
nota I hear you..... dB even asked me to book lunch for him and dm( which I wasn’t attending) at a local pub which they had been to many times before - internet anyone?? Perhaps it doesn’t work where they live?...
dint love the robot cat!!!
Hope the sun is shining on all you cobbles and willow sticks.
cockroach my friends.......

yolo are you saying your brother treated you and your DM badly because of his own guilt?

I'm not sure what kind of a relationship I could have there. You having to stand between them has shocked me a bit.

rosa, yes, kind of. It's hard to explain.

He had a terrible relationship with our father, mum was very protective of him and less so of me - but dad and I adored each other, and I also adored my mum and brother. I think there was always huge resentment from him to me but for the most part he was just my big brother (6 years older) and I really loved him. Having said that, I do remember when I was about 10 him standing behind me as we waved off family visitors and he put his hands round my throat so hard that I saw stars. NO ONE ever believed me, until after the shouting episode when mum said she thought actually it was quite possible (yeah, thanks mum, I'm now 57 and I've never forgotten it!)

Having to get in between them was absolutely shocking, I agree; but I am brave and my mum was not and I am also very protective of those I love. It was a horrible experience, but I had kind of forgotten it until mum was dying and no one but me (and my own family) would admit it. She might not have been physically dying but I knew she would never come back mentally, and maybe because I am brave (I think) I knew she would be better off dead than in pain, terrified and demented. But DB and family are all of the 'oh isnt everything lovely" frame of mind, whereas in this house we are pretty bloody realistic.

So, when DB and SIL tried to guilt trip about how horrible I am - for being realistic, which apparently made their 3 mid-30s daughters cry (wtf?) - I really did think that perhaps I wasnt doing enough.

But hindsight is such a marvellous thing... over the summer when she was in one particular home I was driving 40 miles a day 5-6 days a week, spending time with her, picking up stuff she needed, doing her washing, looking after her house and cat, trying to support her mentally, arguing with the home about her care, basically running myself ragged. And they came for 3 days, spent hours with her on each day, and told me how I must be the most expensive visitor on the planet because I was using mum's money for the 200 miles a week I was driving!

At the time, when you're in the midst of it, you think omigod, are they right - but to all of you struggling with tricky sibs, no they bloody aren't you are doing the best you can do with the circumstances you've got. Don't ever forget that. No one person can provide everything someone else needs or wants...

cockroach mes amis

sorry, that was so long! to cut a long story short: I KNOW that everyone on here is doing absolutely the best they can for their oldies in very difficult circumstances. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not xx

yolo when you've finished the estate, I'd go NC with your brother.

I do find it much easier to leave than most people though. Blood doesn't mean much, if anything, to me. There was a thread where some poor poster got absolutely blasted because she felt her parents hadn't done anything for her and therefore didn't want to do much in their old age. I totally understood that. If my folks hadn't bust a gut for me, I definitely wouldn't do it for them.