The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Sorry not posted for ages but been lurking. Would've been her birthday tomorrow. Really struggling with the feelings this is bringing up. Feel angry and hurt by how every year I was such a disappointment to her. Relieved not to have to go through it this year but wow it's hard going .

whatever it gets easier.

And I'm sure that you weren't a disappointment to her.

whatever when did she die? we had a lovely first Christmas after mum died, but I have no grief, just relief really, and I can see that birthdays would reopen old wounds. I'm sorry you're struggling. xx

July. I agree Christmas was kinda relaxed without the usual horrid atmosphere of trying to face dealing with her. Her birthday was always difficult as whatever I tried to do was never enough.
It's been a difficult week as last Saturday I was given 28 days notice that my DF care home is closing. I hate the place, ( my DB and DM decided a few days before Christmas 2017 that they couldn't have him at home so it was a rushed decision that became permanent) and so I've been trying to find new place. Also this week my DB ( who I'm not in contact with and is still living in the house) , dumped 15 boxes of books and craft stuff that belonged to my DM ( including a diary of my parents honeymoon) off at the church that I attend. Just been one thing after another.

whatever45

Apologies for sounding so self absorbed. I know lots of people have much worse going on right now. Just having a little pity party this evening!

The value of this particular thread is that we all know how it is. And even when your oldie dies, whether it was easy or not, whatever the relationship was, we understand that it's always complicated. And death is an end in one way, but also the start of another mental process.

Thank you Yolo , very wise and true words. Hope you are doing ok x

whatever so sorry you are having such a hard time.i Remember what a crap time you went through.pleaserant away here- loads of support here if you need it🌺🌺

I think we all have our ups and downs, and it can be the tiniest thing that tips us over the edge (although 15 boxes dumped at church is not tiny at all!)

Oh thank God ive found you guys.

Im at the end of my tether and dont know where to turn.

My mother is 83 with serious and complex, lifelong health issues.

I am sorry to say she is not a nice person and is regularly abusive. My DP has now said he only wants me to go to her house with him as she is 100 times worse if im on my own.

I need to get something done. Despite her somehow getting herself to the hospital to demand antibiotics (very long story) amd them breifly once recovered asking those "when is your birthday when did the ear end" they seem to feel she has capacity.

I dont believe she has dementia as her difficult behaviour has always been evident.

How can i get them to listen? Ive spoken to a gp that isnt my mum's gp but one i was hoping my mum would trust and whilst she agrees she needs help she says their hands are tied without my mpthers consent as they feel she has capacity. She clearly doesn't yet they say they cant assess this without her permission.

This is affecting my mental health.

You guys are my last hope

Hi LEM welcome to Tether's End. It is a densly populated cul-de-sac where we have plastic hanging baskets and gin washes down the ADs.

Could you try and book a phone conversation with your mother's GP, or write to them outlining your concerns? At least that way you have gone on record trying to get her assessed. Although TBH certainly in our area, having a diagnosis of dementia didn't actually mean that she got any help because of it.

Sometime with that generation they will listen to someone (preferably a man) in authority, before they will listen to us. So if not the GP, a vicar, social services, neighbour, your DH?

But think about yourself in all of this as well. You will see countless posters upthread recommending paying for care where possible (gardener, cleaner, taxi services, etc) to do the stuff that you can outsource. Apply for Attendance Allowance which should cover most of that.

Hi Lem just wanted to say hi back. I'm really not much good for any reasonable advice at the mo but just wanted to say that many of us have learnt the hard way that you cannot neglect your own health and well being ( physical and mental). You owe it to your own family and your future self. There is no shame in saying there is a limit to the amount of involvement you can handle.

whatever sorry to be thick but what's the 15 boxes about?

LEM I think I have seen you post before on other boards but not sure. Is it that your mother has always been horrible to you? What I'm wondering is that she might have capacity but you might be better going NC? I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Thankyou everybody- its good (not good) to know im not alone.

Grace yes my mother is vile to me.

Difficult to go no contact as she lives in the next road.

lem sorry you have to join us- brilliant advice from the stalwarts on this thread. I would echo lookingat grey rock technique and therapy. Carers association can be helpful too. As others say, buyin what help you can butyou are not responsible for her unhappiness.
Boundaries, pile on the metaphorical Teflon before encounters and be really kind to what a wise poster(whatever) said your future self.
cockroach all!!!

nota has it right... try and get someone else involved whose advice she might take? I did read you AIBU and what you have put here, it's bloody difficult when they wont accept help and you are piggy in the middle.
Welcome to Tether's End, the village that also features the Octogenarian Death Slide, Drool and the Gang and liberal applications of cockroach (ie a toast to our own sanity). I'm sorry you have to be here, but we will try and help as much as we can.

Yolo I think that's the line up sorted for our Tether's End village fete at May bank holiday!

ooh! I LIKE that idea nota. We could have bunting spelling out Tether's End, and cupcakes in a variety of different coloured icing (red: cant cope anymore; amber: someone help me; green: fuck me, I've given up), lucky dip: swap your oldie for one who sounds less annoying, and a 'guess the animal with a hard back' competition? £5 a go on the Octogenarian Death Slide, or 10 goes for £5 if you can bring in someone else's oldie. Drool and the Gang come on stage at dusk... jesus wouldnt it be awful if someone not in the game discovered it?!!

Inspired nota and yolo love it!!! May is too far away...

bit worried about the Lucky Dip, wouldnt it be awful if you got your own one back? but with enough bran maybe that not an issue (BAD yolo!)

😂😂😂😂😂😂

The refreshments tent could feature neat gin served in pretty tea cups, with an assortment of ADs on the side.