Need some help. Visiting my elderly father is excrutiating.

[needsomehelpwiththisone]

I've done a new account for this post but I've been here for a long time.

I am desperate for some advice about visiting my elderly father, because I feel like the world's biggest bitch and I don't know what to do.

Background: We have nothing in common. We did not get on well when I was growing up. I am an only child (relevant). My mother is dead (also relevant).

A few years ago, dad, by then in his mid 80s (now late 80s) moved into sheltered accommodation about a half hour drive from me having previously lived seven hours away at the other end of the country. There was really no other option as due to my own poor health I could not make the visit to see him any more and he was all alone and beginnig to struggle on his own. Until the point where he moved, we saw each other once a year, perhaps twice at the very most - I would go "home" to visit for a couple of days at a time and we'd both be climbing the walls after a day. Visits were only ever two days at the most. My father is very insular. Conversations consisted of "Do you watch this television programme?" and nothing more. He was never interested in anything I had to say, so I didn't bother to tell him what was going on in my life. It was painful.

Now he lives near me and is older and still on his own, I am expected to visit once a week. In principle I agree with this, he's on his own after all and I'm his only living relative. But I find the visits absolutely excrutiating and I'm beginning to put off going. We are not close, and we have nothing to talk about. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, so there's no point telling him anything. I arrive, I take him to the shop, but this only takes half an hour at the most, and then I don't know what to do. We sit there in silence. He doesn't do anything except watch television, so I can't ask him about his day. He's also very deaf, so conversation is almost impossible, even if he was interested in anything I had to say.

He also insists on phoning me twice a day just to "hear my voice" (he can make out my voice on the phone, apparently, but nobody else's). I understand why, he's very lonely, but I don't know what to say to him then either and vice versa. I have no clue how to relate to him at all and never have done. Our relationship growing up was fractious and argumentative and unpleasant - he's mellowed with age - but there are no nice memories to sit and talk about. I sometimes take him out for lunch, but again, conversation is so difficult that we sit and eat lunch in the pub in silence and then I take him home again.

Please, what can I do to make these visits more bearable for both of us? Not going is not an option, since he will call me and beg me to go if I don't. I dread going. I put it off for as long as humanly possible. And I feel terrible.

Board games ?
Read to him ?
Bring a friend ?
I feel for you there’s nothing worse than awkward silences

He's not interested in anything, so "doing things" with him is really unworkable (he always hated board games and wouldn't even play them with me when I was a kid). He doesn't have any friends here, only the people he lives with in the sheltered place and he won't socialise with them - he refuses to. Just stays in his room.

Could you maybe ask him to tell you about your mum old stories you might not have heard ? About his childhood ? Could you bring a set of headphones and discreetly put them in whilst watching TV ?

Can you talk about the TV he watches?

It’s probs my too late to change your interactions with him. Can you take a book or house admin and busy yourself while there to pass the time. He probably just needs your presence rather than interaction. And if it’s too much weekly reduce it to fortnightly. He’s isolated less really than he was in his previous home. It’s his choice not to socialise with the residents.

Does he have a tv in his room? Could you watch something with him? Quiz type programmes for a bit of conversation, or something like strictly or bake off where you could chat about it as you watch.

I dont want to be an ass but I could have wrote this a couple of months ago, I loved my mum but nothing in common, did you watch the soaps???? Couldn't stand them...she died a few weeks ago I wish to god I could talk to her once more 😪😪

You're allowed to not like your parents.

You're allowed to keep visits as short as they need to be. It's ok to be unavailable when he wants to call you twice a day.

There seems to be a mismatch between what you think would be acceptable contact and what he wants so its a question of managing his expectations a little more. It's ok to say no too.

You could offer him contact with a befriending service but I'm assuming from your description of him that he'd refuse that too however it doesn't give him the right to dictate how frequent you have contact with him.

Sympathies OP, I have a similar issue with mine. It's a horrible feeling. I too can't bear to talk about my childhood because it was horrible, and he's also losing his hearing, but I do sometimes ask him about his life before us. Someone said to me the same thing as a PP that maybe just being there without chatting is enough. It feels tense and awkward though for me.

How about starting a conversation about the truth. How you really feel about your relationship through all these years. Tell him how it is. Ask him how he thinks it is. How he feels about the two of you. Or you could carry on until the end being polite. What have you got to lose. You may even improve things between you both. Best wishes.

It’s a big ask but do you have friend you could take with every so often? He may behave differently if there is a third party present (they often make more effort with conversations) and you’ll have someone around help with the silences.

I would also take an un-iced cake with you and get him to help decorate it with roll out icing sugar and cutters. Or something else that’s edible that he can ‘help’ you finish off and then eat. This worked with my MIL before she moved into a home.

There's nothing wrong with silence when everything needed to be said has been said. As EverardDigby* stated, being there in silence is enough. Silence can be comforting and intermate.

What about doing some housework? Or cutting his visits to 45 mins. What about getting him a carer to give him some social interaction? Might give you something to talk about too.

Take a newspaper to read? You may find a story or two to chat about, whilst he is watching the telly or you could do the crossword and ask him about one or two clues?

Turn it back on him. What would you like to do Dad? We could watch the telly together? If he won't/can't suggest anything, then offer the newspaper to read, or do the crossword together.

Do you have a garden centre nearby? They are great for wandering round, and you can get a cup of tea there. You could check out the local churches too - they may have a cafe/coffee morning for seniors. You don't have to go to church to be allowed to go.

Hope that helps. I have been through similar. I also brought Mum a radio for Christmas, so that I could put some music on in the background to break the silence. (He may not even hear it if he's deaf, but you could enjoy some relaxing music.) It was only £10!

Persuade him to wear hearing auds?

Get the photograph album out, that may give him something to discuss. What line of work did he do? Are there any relevant retirement groups/clubs where he could talk with like minded people about his profession.
Doe he wear a hearing aids? Not being able to hear could be a factor in why he isn’t keen to socialise.
Have you heard of the university of the 3rd age? They do lots of interesting things for older people.

Could you watch TV with him? Take along a DVD? Then you're keeping him company, but you don't have to have anything to say.

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I have tried to get him to have his hearing tested for hearing aids but he refuses to go. He says the problem is tinnitus and says that they won't be able to do anything for that and refuses to believe that he's going deaf. As he still has "capacity" I can't force him to go so nothing gets done about it. He also refuses all contact with befrienders (I tried to set it up and he insisted I cancelled it before he'd even tried it) and also refuses to go to day centres and the like, saying he prefers to keep himself to himself. I've tried to get him to do a hobby of some kind but he refuses that too. All he wants to do is sit on his bed and watch television. Watching television is the only thing he's done for about the last thirty years, even before he got old. But he's not happy with this - he says how small his life has become, just sitting in his room watching TV, but refuses to try anything else.

He wouldn't be interested in DVDs as he doesnt like films (neither do I) and he doesn't have a DVD player.

Crosswords are difficult as he can't see well (macular degeneration). He used to do them, but wouldnt be able to any more.

He turns the TV off when I visit, he's from the old school of "the television must go off when vistors are here", so we don't watch TV together. I don't watch TV at home, so when he says "did you see x programme" (his sole topic of conversation), I have to say "no", and then that's that conversation over with.

I've tried asking him what he'd like to do, he says "I don't know" or "nothing" or "whatever you want to". Then he keeps asking "what are we doing next?" and I don't know what to do.

We don't really have any photograph albums. He has a couple of pictures of my mum, and one of his mum, but nothing else. And again, as I said, there are no nice memories to discuss.

There's no housework to do to pass the time as he has a carer come in once a day but he won't let them do very much, except clean his bathroom and running the hoover round occasionally. It's an endless fight at the moment to get him to allow them to do things like wash his bedding - he refuses to allow it, saying "My daughter will do it for me", and they can't force him, even though I've told them I'm not able to do this for him. I can not do these things for him - I am disabled and am managing long term health conditions - if I take his washing away to do, there's a chance I might not get back with it for a fortnight if I'm unwell. So these things don't get done, because he refuses to allow anyone else to help him.

I am at my wits end. I've no doubt his life is awful, but he refuses any attempt to make it better, and only wants to speak to me, or to have me visit, or to call me twice a day. It's like he's replaced Mum with me, after she died, and that's not healthy, and it's very unnatural as we had such a bad relationship when I was growing up.

And we literally have nothing to talk about. Not a thing. There's no point me telling him about my life, he talks over me or changes the subject and starts talking about something else.

This was in the post that got deleted (I don't know why Mumsnet deleted it, they've refused to say) but to the person who says I am allowed to be unavailable when he calls - If i do that, he calls every two minutes until I pick the phone up. He will not leave me alone. I can't turn my phone off as I need it on for myself.

I guess I just don't know what to do any more.

Have it out with him?

Change your number?

Or carry on as is?

Perhaps its time to stop trying to resolve the situation for him. When he talks about how small his life has become just agree with him but don't offer any solutions.

Accept his life is how it is and no one can change it apart from him but he doesn't really want to.

Perhaps there is nothing you can do. Thats ok too. Maybe its time to stop fighting and just accept it how it is.

Is there a chance you could get a phone that is just for him to call? Then you can leave it if you don't want to answer.

If he asks if you've seen a certain programme maybe try answering 'yes' and then allow him to talk about it with you just adding a 'hmm' here and there. It's a bit like with people that have dementia when they say something that you know isn't true - it's better for them for others to go along with what they say.

I've told him in the past that if he doesn't stop repeatedly phoning me I'm going to change my number. He says that if I do that he may as well be dead because he'll have nothing left.

He is acting completely unreasonably. Time for some more boundaries.