Need some help. Visiting my elderly father is excrutiating.

[needsomehelpwiththisone]

I've done a new account for this post but I've been here for a long time.

I am desperate for some advice about visiting my elderly father, because I feel like the world's biggest bitch and I don't know what to do.

Background: We have nothing in common. We did not get on well when I was growing up. I am an only child (relevant). My mother is dead (also relevant).

A few years ago, dad, by then in his mid 80s (now late 80s) moved into sheltered accommodation about a half hour drive from me having previously lived seven hours away at the other end of the country. There was really no other option as due to my own poor health I could not make the visit to see him any more and he was all alone and beginnig to struggle on his own. Until the point where he moved, we saw each other once a year, perhaps twice at the very most - I would go "home" to visit for a couple of days at a time and we'd both be climbing the walls after a day. Visits were only ever two days at the most. My father is very insular. Conversations consisted of "Do you watch this television programme?" and nothing more. He was never interested in anything I had to say, so I didn't bother to tell him what was going on in my life. It was painful.

Now he lives near me and is older and still on his own, I am expected to visit once a week. In principle I agree with this, he's on his own after all and I'm his only living relative. But I find the visits absolutely excrutiating and I'm beginning to put off going. We are not close, and we have nothing to talk about. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, so there's no point telling him anything. I arrive, I take him to the shop, but this only takes half an hour at the most, and then I don't know what to do. We sit there in silence. He doesn't do anything except watch television, so I can't ask him about his day. He's also very deaf, so conversation is almost impossible, even if he was interested in anything I had to say.

He also insists on phoning me twice a day just to "hear my voice" (he can make out my voice on the phone, apparently, but nobody else's). I understand why, he's very lonely, but I don't know what to say to him then either and vice versa. I have no clue how to relate to him at all and never have done. Our relationship growing up was fractious and argumentative and unpleasant - he's mellowed with age - but there are no nice memories to sit and talk about. I sometimes take him out for lunch, but again, conversation is so difficult that we sit and eat lunch in the pub in silence and then I take him home again.

Please, what can I do to make these visits more bearable for both of us? Not going is not an option, since he will call me and beg me to go if I don't. I dread going. I put it off for as long as humanly possible. And I feel terrible.

I'm not his carer though, EverardDigby, so I'm not entitled to anything.

If you mean an assessment to see what care he needs, he's already had that, hence why he has carers going in every day, but he refuses to let them do anything.

Can you explore him having respite care for a short while to give you a break? He sounds very demanding for one person. Most of us have relatives to spread the load. Your pressure valve needs a release. Sending you virtual support.

I can't do the bedding. I'm disabled and I can't take on any more work. I've already said that upthread.

He has plenty of bedding. He wants me to do it. He tells the carers "don't do that, my daughter will take care of it". I refuse to do it. Because if I take the bedding home to wash, and can't get back to see him for another two weeks, I get phone call upon phone call asking when I'm coming back with it because he uses it as a stick to beat me with to force me to go over there. That's not conjecture, that's already happened, which is why I refuse to get drawn into it any more.

He is very demanding yes, Fortysix, but emotionally demanding. It's not like I'm doing the physical care. And the carers just keep saying "well, we can't force him".

When my mum was very elderly, she was deaf and had macular degeneration too. I too am an only child. Fortunately, she was a more positive, cheerful, funny person than your dad sounds. However, she would not go to a day centre or a club so once she became housebound after a heart condition, she only went out once a week when I took her out for the day. She liked to be in the car and be out with me or where there were people.
We talked about:
Her childhood
Her parents
Her brothers
Her cousins
My dad
My dad's family
Holidays we had when I was a child
Me as a child
My job
Old neighbours
Her health.
I asked lots of questions so she could talk about things. I used to tease her a lot and make her laugh.

I took her for drives round Northumberland and the Durham Dales, out to lunch, to the supermarket, brought her to our house for tea, to the Metro centre, to places like Kielder Reservoir-local beauty spots. She was in a wheelchair so I had to be able to push her. We listened to music she liked in the car.

I rang her twice a day - because she liked to hear my voice. I rang when I first got to work and when I got home. Sometimes she rang me additionally if she forgot something. I worked 8-6 every weekday and sometimes later and she lived 20 miles away so popping in wasn't easy and I would have liked to do that.

She had carers 4 x a day but I changed her bed and did all her washing and ironing. I organised her clothes into outfits on hangers so it was easier for her.
I made her cakes and scones, organised her a table next to her that had things on she needed during the day. We would look at old photos. I got her this machine from the Sight Service that she could put the newspaper and magazines under and it magnified them and put them into white print on a black background- which helped for a while. We got her a big TV so it was easier to see.

It was so stressful at times. I loved my mum to bits but it was such a difficult time. It went on for about 4 years. She came to me and DH every Christmas but couldn't stay because of the stairs so one of us went to collect her and one of us drove her home about 9pm. If anything went wrong in her life - a carer didn't turn up- she rang me immediately and I had to sort it out. But she looked after me all those years I was a child and now she needed that care and I knew she didn't want to be in those circumstances.

I'd give anything to have her back but I remember so clearly how hard it was. It was unrelenting. I never felt good enough, I felt guilty for not being there every day. She really appreciated what I did and always said she loved me when I left and I did the same to her. But sometimes, I just wanted a break.

It's tough.

What you describe is intolerable. And it sounds like the phone calls are one of the worst things to deal with and the easiest to stop.

Tell him no more phone calls because you can’t and won’t answer them. Ignore the emotional blackmail. Ignore the “that’s just the way I am” excuses. Tell him that if you do find 50 missed calls on your phone one day, then he’s getting blocked, because you are entitled to live your live without that kind of harassment.

Tell him that YOU will ring HIM at a time of day and frequency that suits you. I know it’s going to be hard to stand up to him, but stand up to him you must. Either that or carry on with this mutual misery until the end of his days.

A carers' charity should still talk to you and give you some support, you are undertaking some of a carer's role. You sound very ground down by it, which I think is why you can't see a way out, and speaking to someone who will have heard all this before might help.

Is there a vicar or similar person who visits the home who you could talk to and ask to visit your dad? (Not about religion but often these people are v good at talking to old folks).

Or say right dad on Tuesday we're doing the crossword together and Friday we re going for coffee in the communal lounge? Kind of make him do x regardless?

Or read a joke book to him? Or technical info about cars or whatever he likes?

If he's treating you like a substitute for your Dm then was he overbearing dismissive and entitled towards her too?

I'm so sorry these are crap ideas just clutching at straws here.

Get him a budgie??

But you can’t “make him stop” with the calls. You’ve made that clear to us yourself.

You can only take back control (by blocking his number and/or giving him a different number to call which you check a normal amount of times etc etc), as lots of us have said.

If you won’t do that, there isn’t another solution. You keep saying you “can’t” block him, but that’s not the case; you could do it if you believed it was acceptable. But you don’t believe it is acceptable - you have said it’s just too cruel.

You’re refusing to consider the one thing that would immediately help, and if you won’t even consider it I’m not sure what solution you expect from anyone here.

You sound really overwhelmed and like you need support for your own mental health. You can’t control your dad’s unreasonableness. Nobody would expect you to. You need to learn to forgive yourself a bit and rebuild your resilience.

As many of us have said, you can't change him so you have to either accept the situation or make reasonable adjustments to what you do. If he won't stop phoning, give him another phone number then you can control when you look at it. You've said he's in sheltered accommodation with a care office who have your details so there is a first line to deal with emergencies. No one has said stop visiting, you can go to the practical thing - hospital appointments and shopping which will give you both a focus then go home. Or go over for half an hour and go home. As I said, I am in this situation and that's the decision I've made. Yes, I wish it was different and I looked forward to seeing him but I don't. I do my duty and wouldn't see him abandoned but as much as possible I'm not going to let guilt or anything else get to me when he refuses to help himself. You do have a choice.

Thanks Lulu.

I got Dad one of those magnifier things that he could put the paper underneath so at least he could still read the paper, because he used to like reading the paper and doing the puzzles. It's still sat in its box. He didn't care. Any attempt to make things better is met by resistance, it's like he wants to be miserable.

Yes, I'm ground down by it. There's been no escape because he will.not.bloody.stop.doing.this.shit and I can't make him. I've tried so hard to make him stop, I've reasoned with him, I've been calm, I've shouted, I've screamed, I've cried, and he will.not.bloody.stop.

Moving him to a home wouldn't solve anything at all.

It would. I worked in nursing and psychogeriatric nursing homes when I was a student. Refusal to wash, change, etc are almost universal, but residents are politely compelled to do these things. It's why many people have to be in a home, to ensure they are clean and safe.

It sounds like your situation is too much for anyone to bear alone - I hope you have good support for yourself (even if not sharing the burden).

I'm reminded of the message that is given to the partners of alcoholics.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
you can't change it
although he sounds horrific, you can't change his behaviour only your response to it.
So, block his calls, tell him you will and why and think about your internal response to them, you seem to carry a lot of guilt unnecessarily.
My dad has been a great dad and always been a kind man but I find visits to him similarly excruciating. I try to find myself a job to do (cleaning generally) or I read his papers or ask him to put on the telly or I read my phone.
I have a set day and time to visit, this stops me making excuses not to go and also gives me a time to leave.
He has dementia and is worsening quite rapidly, bizarrely on some fronts this makes the visits easier, more to do, he notices less if I read my phone.

It is his choice though to sit on his own and his choice not to have carers wash his bedding. Unfortunately as he has capacity there's not much that you can do about that.
I think that you need to focus on your well being a bit more. You seem very stressed as anybody in this situation would.
As others have said explain to him that you will call him and if he insists on keep calling you block him and just call him at a set time each day. He will get used to it. Tell the home to Only call you in an emergency.
What more can you do.

I think it's because I feel like I'm abnormal in some way to feel like this about my own parent. I should love them and want to do this stuff, and I just don't, I don't feel like that :(

Could change your phone and give the carets the new number but only for emergencies. Then record a voicemail that answers immediately as if you were answering. You say he can’t hear very well and just wants to hear your voice for reassurance. You could then call him on the old phone every so often when you’re happy to call him so he doesn’t hear exactly the same things from your voice ifswim.

Your not abnormal at all. Not everybody feels like that about their parents. You don't choose your parents like you choose your friends
You can't help the way you feel.

This thread makes me feel sad and uncomfortable.

I feel sad that there are posters advising you
to block your elderly Dads number when he only really has you in his life.

I get he phoned you 37 times and all the points you make but give it a few years and he will no longer be in your life anymore.

Really? Do what your conscience tells you
To do. Block him by all means but to me that's just cruel.

OK, so he is going to Memory Clinic. There very likely is a cognitive problem here, not just stubborness.

I really doubt he does have capacity to understand that the washing is not going to do itself if the carers don't do it. Him saying 'it won't work out' over and over sums up that he may be able to superficially say he doesn't want them to do his washing but actually he hasn't a clue, his underlying reasoning is all faulty and really he just wants his washing done.

Equally when you try to give him new things like an ipad, he is fobbing you off as he v likely doesn't have the ability to learn a new skill (or not without huge difficulty) so he is making a neat excuse to cover up his lack of cognition and get out of it.

He can't stop phoning as he likely can't remember how often he has done it and so how incredibly irritating he is.

You need some clear communication with the home manger and his GP about how to manage his behaviour, while he is pending his Memory Clinic results. You need 1) an outcome on the washing, he needs basic personal hygiene, 2) them to not just put the phone in his hand all day long to phone you, as a bare minimum.

Potentially he is reaching the end of living in sheltered accommodation if his health is deteriorating and he is now needing more support than they can give.

It sounds unbearable op, I really think you need to get yourself another phone and don’t give your father the new number, just give the number to the people at the home and explain the strain you are under so only if it is a genuine emergency they will call you. Then you can turn your other phone off, be upfront with your father and explain you will only be answering the phone/ calling him yourself once a day/ once every other day at a set time, this puts you in control. Explain that you cannot bear the silence so you insist on having the tv or radio on when you visit and that is non-negotiable. Could you start researching a family tree? You could talk about the info you’ve discovered or ask him questions, it might lead to some easy conversations about the past and be interesting for you both? Could you also insist that he joins in one social event at the home a week, and that you will accompany him to that, I think you have to insist on some change, be honest with him and tell him that him not having his bedding changed and being absolutely unwilling to budge on so many things is having a real affect on your mental health. Good luck, I hope things improve for you

Itchytights - go away. You're not helping. I don't need a guilt trip from you, so keep your crap advice to yourself. Eveyrone else has been helpful, but there's always one who has to lay on the guilt.

It’s not abnormal; nobody wants to do this stuff, even less so if their elderly parent is difficult and the relationship has always been problematic.

You’ve got a thread full of people telling you you are totally within your rights to feel like this. Listen to them.

Don’t get so wrapped up in worrying about your own appropriateness that you become immobilised by it. You need to step back and get some perspective, and that’s hard to do without support. Try and reach out in RL. Let the responses here reassure you that nobody is going to react with hostility to your distress. People know this stuff is so, so hard.

He won’t stop his behaviour so stop beating your head against a brick wall. You need some coping strategies.
Can you get a separate phone number to give to him, or to everyone else, so that he is the only one who uses a particular number. You can then mute it or hide it & only look at it when you’re ready to see the missed calls etc & to speak to him.
Can you read the newspaper to him? Can you get Radio Times or similar and read out the tv prog reviews?
What tv shows does he watch? Can you read a review of them to him, or get him to describe the plot - just saying ‘no I haven’t watched it’ is a dead end. Do a little research to give you conversational fodder, even here on MN. You could even get your dad to plan out his tv schedule in advance using RT etc, then you know what to talk about. If TV is the only thing he does, then TV it is.
This situation sounds utterly infuriating & draining. You have my sympathy.

Anna - no, he knows how often he's phoning. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Trust me. It's not that he can't remember, it;s that he will NOT stop until he's got what he wants, ie, to talk to me. He says as much. He says "I can't change what I'm like". He knows what he;s doing.

Your feelings are totally normal in this situation. I for one would feel exactly like you are describing. Don't feel awful. Many of us on here can relate. Glad though that you can talk on here as keeping it bottled inside is so hard.