Need some help. Visiting my elderly father is excrutiating.

[needsomehelpwiththisone]

I've done a new account for this post but I've been here for a long time.

I am desperate for some advice about visiting my elderly father, because I feel like the world's biggest bitch and I don't know what to do.

Background: We have nothing in common. We did not get on well when I was growing up. I am an only child (relevant). My mother is dead (also relevant).

A few years ago, dad, by then in his mid 80s (now late 80s) moved into sheltered accommodation about a half hour drive from me having previously lived seven hours away at the other end of the country. There was really no other option as due to my own poor health I could not make the visit to see him any more and he was all alone and beginnig to struggle on his own. Until the point where he moved, we saw each other once a year, perhaps twice at the very most - I would go "home" to visit for a couple of days at a time and we'd both be climbing the walls after a day. Visits were only ever two days at the most. My father is very insular. Conversations consisted of "Do you watch this television programme?" and nothing more. He was never interested in anything I had to say, so I didn't bother to tell him what was going on in my life. It was painful.

Now he lives near me and is older and still on his own, I am expected to visit once a week. In principle I agree with this, he's on his own after all and I'm his only living relative. But I find the visits absolutely excrutiating and I'm beginning to put off going. We are not close, and we have nothing to talk about. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, so there's no point telling him anything. I arrive, I take him to the shop, but this only takes half an hour at the most, and then I don't know what to do. We sit there in silence. He doesn't do anything except watch television, so I can't ask him about his day. He's also very deaf, so conversation is almost impossible, even if he was interested in anything I had to say.

He also insists on phoning me twice a day just to "hear my voice" (he can make out my voice on the phone, apparently, but nobody else's). I understand why, he's very lonely, but I don't know what to say to him then either and vice versa. I have no clue how to relate to him at all and never have done. Our relationship growing up was fractious and argumentative and unpleasant - he's mellowed with age - but there are no nice memories to sit and talk about. I sometimes take him out for lunch, but again, conversation is so difficult that we sit and eat lunch in the pub in silence and then I take him home again.

Please, what can I do to make these visits more bearable for both of us? Not going is not an option, since he will call me and beg me to go if I don't. I dread going. I put it off for as long as humanly possible. And I feel terrible.

The bun flinging is one sided in this case

OTincognito it has become a pointless thread as the OP doesn't seem to have been able to take a single suggestion to try. These have been from people who have been or are in the same position, yet she has chosen to throw insults at us. Given that she responded better to you but keeps coming up with new barriers and problems to any suggestions she could adapt her behaviour it seems that she wants the 'professionals' to take over. That is not unreasonable but there are easier ways to achieve it than swear and insult people who have tried to be supportive.

I think it's been an interesting thread in terms of people sharing their experiences. If the OP hasn't been able to get anything from it in an immediate way, perhaps it will still - in the longer term - have proved useful. We can only hope....

For what it's worth I think it's a genuine thread. I think the OP has gone past breaking point, and can't see how to move on. She doesn't have anyone to vent to in real life and so is doing it here.

It's certainly been an eye-opener for me about the toll caring takes on the family. As someone with a difficult father, it's helped me prepare myself. But luckily I'm not alone, and in good health.

I stepped away from this thread because it was awful to witness how poster after poster was offering patient, kind advice and the OP was becoming increasingly rude. There wasn't one word of thanks for people sharing their experiences and tips from the coal face, even if they didn't correspond to her exact situation. I was beginning to wonder whether this thread was genuine.

Still, I think it should remain as the OP may indeed be having a mental breakdown, or even may return to have a look at the many suggestions.

I think a lot of the suggestions offered have been really useful and speaking as someone who has been where the OP is now I can tell you it is really difficult. You feel like your life is not your own anymore being at the beck and call of an elderly person who can no longer function alone. Whether it is dementia, anxiety or personality disorder trying to help sometimes seems counter productive as they think you are either treating them as a child or don't understand or have such poor short term memory you repeat yourself over and over and over again. You need endless patience and if you are juggling other things like health issues, children, spouse or work something has to give. I know of people who left their elderly parents in hospital after falls refusing to take them home or who cut off contact and abandoned them due to the pressure.

Something needs to be done about elderly social care and support for carers. We arranged carers to go in four times a day for my MIL as we were working and the agency refused to send the same carers to help my MIL as she was frightened of strangers. She had a dementia diagnosis but would become very difficult if she was anxious which was all the time when she did not know who would turn up. They said it was to protect the carers from getting too attached. That is a sad state of affairs. We managed to get her into a residential home after loads of jumping through hoops but her last few years were dreadful.

What makes me angry is how it's all or nothing, you either run yourself into the ground caring yourself or you have to "abandon them" in order to get anything sustainable put in place. There needs to be a healthy medium

OP, can you arrange for his post to be redirected to your address so that he doesn't panic and catastrophise about every letter?

As for the visits, in your shoes I think I'd take a book. I have a similar-ish problem with my mother, but not as bad: she does talk when I visit, but most of it is a catalogue of moans. I take crochet along to keep me sane, and vary my responses between "Mmm" or the occasional attempt to point out that her perception that, say, my brother hasn't visited in years is actually incorrect.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering, OP

My mother had terrible anxiety (a whole other 50 threads) but after df died I dealt with her post. I discovered all bills etc she was hiding in the bureau - out of sight out of mind.

It is quite simple to arrange a redirection! In fact I just forged my mum's signature on everything. It was much easier than having to explain things and enter into discussions/arguments. I just set up direct debits and had post directed to me.

I agree this has been interesting thread with some great advice and experience shared, clearly many people are left to cope with absolutely intolerable situations

I feel awful for op. She is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I used to be a nurse and I've cared for people like your father, people who drive their relatives to their sick bed with harassment and that is what this is.

Yes he may have dementia but you know what? He may not have it and just be an arsehole. People can just be arseholes.

I'm in a similar position but it's my grandfather whole refusing to accept the help and it's driving me nuts. I've offered to do his shopping, take him shopping but nothing is good enough. He just likes to complain. I like you have been over backwards, to the point where I was neglecting my own home, kids and health, to sit in a dirty house listening to him moan about things I had offered to fix.

I became seriously ill(breast cancer) so now I cannot do it anymore. I've rung social services who allocated him a social worker. He now has twice a day carers and medication is delivered in a dosette box by pharmacy and everything else is organised for home visits on a regular reoccurring basis.

Op if you are still reading I hope you find a way to break this and I do think you would benefit from some help yourself and I say that in the nicest way as you are so stressed out you can't see which way to turn.

Get a new phone number and give that to your dad
Visit when you are able( and bollocks to the person who suggested you visit everyday. You have a hard enough life as it is) once a week.
Contact social services,email their safeguarding team or elder persons team and lay it all out. Explain what you do for him and say you cannot do this any longer from X date as you are unwell which is completely true.

Just because he gave you half your DNA does not make you indebted to an arsehole for the rest of your life.

You sound like you are at the end of your tether. Do you know what the solution is? Do you just want to offload? I’m sorry to say your dad does sound demented. The way you described his behaviour when you went for the brain scan says it all.

I know it’s hard, but you need to get a power of attorney for finance AND health and welfare. Do it now before he gets a diagnosis.

The phone call thing seems to be really bothering you. I’m not sure if he has careline, but if not set it up. They can call you if there is an emergency.

Then block his number and then you phone him as much as you can handle. He can still tell you about the things he needs to, but on your terms. If there is an emergency he can use the careline button and they can call you.

What puzzles me is why the OP is so concerned about being kind to her father after he has been an unpleasant and difficult bastard all his life

@JuliaJaynes9

I think a lot of people find it difficult to get past the sense of duty & what would anyone else say

My gp was very manipulative in old age & sent carers home & tried to play her adult children against each other. My aunt dud everything she could for her & it was never enough & she was still racked with guilt for years later

I guess that has to be the answer doesn't it @ny2005
I am an only child with an mid 70s parent who lives a long way away, after reading this thread I will think carefully before encouraging her to move closer to me
Seems to me the important thing is that older people are encouraged to move to suitable accommodation before they find it hard to manage in a larger home, where they can't do stairs etc

It's very difficult. An outsider looking in might comment that it's selfish not to look after a parent but I don't think so. Like putting an oxygen mask on first on a plane, you've got to look after yourself first

I'm dreading my parents getting to this stage - my siblings & I all live abroad & both my parents are exceptionally stubborn

On the plus side, I couldn't give 2 figs about what anyone thinks so that's half the battle

It is difficult, because very often elderly relatives absolutely refuse to move house until its too late, and certainly won't discuss their having dementia. I suppose if one of my dcs said, "Mum, I think you have dementia" I'd tell them not to be so cheeky and to sod off. And it's the same when one is 20, 30, 40 years older. You just can't grasp or want to grasp that this may be happening to you. If there is a spouse they often desperately try to cover it up or think it'll go away. Fil was convinced that if only they could get mil on the right medication she'd get better and they'd be back to going to John Lewis, garden centres etc.

I have seen first-hand this refusal to move house, however the people in question know that their son will feel obliged to come and do their huge garden for them when they can't manage it, ditto whatever else they can't manage he feels obliged to come and help.

After all it is the done thing, when fewer people lived to be elderly and frail and when families were bigger and there were more siblings available it was doable.
However with increasing numbers of increasingly elderly people and fewer younger people we will get to a position where one is aware that there is no one to take up the Slack and when you get to 60 you need to downsize or you'll be up shit creek without a Paddle

I think it's a tricky one. My partner is nearly 70. I will be 60 next year. Our house though not huge is the one we bought to bring up children in. The garden is relatively sizeable. It is our home and we have lots of books and possessions that mean a great deal to us. We could move to a bungalow (not many nearby) or a flat, but we don't want to. Shops and services and hospitals are all nearby. So are friends and activities. My husband currently enjoys an active retirement.

I think for many older people - if they're reasonably well off - the solution is to buy in help. (e.g. gardening) if doing the heavier jobs becomes difficult. Sometimes properties can be converted - with stairlifts or a shower being put in downstairs - to make them easier if anyone gets less mobile.

My parents moved into owner-occupied flats for the elderly - but these can be quite hard to sell on, so are not 'an investment' in the way other types of property are. They're also a bit of a ghetto, so although there is a good social life there people who live inside such places can also get a bit cut off from the outer world.

So it's not easy to judge the right time for making a change

My DGM refused to leave her unsuitable house. After being widowed she ended up living in one room, refusing food and in a terrible mental state.

DF had to limit how often he visited due to the effect on his own health but another sibling was heavily involved and resented this. I didn't blame DF as there was nothing he could have done to help her by that point.

Posted too soon

I think it's important to be in a suitable property long before it gets to that point. Her house had steps between each room, narrow stairs, no downstairs bathroom. Her family spent years begging her to move. You really can't help someone who won't be.

Have you looked at Milk and More, it is the milk man/person, but they deliver other things like cereal, toiletries and do small deliveries. Secondly, what would happen if you were sick or on holiday ?

My dad was in hospital a long time before he died and we took it in turns to go daily . We mostly played board games and did crosswords along with chit chat . Could you try this ? I did love my dad very much though . Can you just not go? If he wasn't a great dad you don't owe him anything .

@needsomehelpwiththisone how are you?