Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Oh yolo what a nightmare! Unbelievable. Hope the day is bearable though can't see how...

Whatever, hope you can embrace the feelings of freedom when they come.

Surgery this afternoon..... so at least I dont have to visit today! stupid stupid old bat. I veer between rage and gloom. Going to go and do something useful now, like sort out the airing cupboard.

Stick with rage!

I had a good old cry at church this morning. I feel I'm stuck with unpleasant emotions, and no way out.

yolo so sorry it’s all so tough.
pickle big hug and ☕️☕️🍷🍷🍫🍫.

Survived op, and I have found 5 local care homes within 5 miles. She wont like the idea, but tough love 'n all that. I have and wishing all comforts to everyone. Let's hope this is a better week for us all.

Well done yolo. Something fairly dramatic had to happen to force her hand, I think. She can't possibly argue that she wasn't given every chance.

Totally agree with pickle. You have been amazing yolo well done

thank you whatever and pickle and sorry I missed out on your tears pickle I hope they were cathartic at least

Another lurker checking in. We’ve been through this scenario with my Dad who died 3 years ago. And now I’m doing it with my mum. Only this time I have a 2 year old and I’m pregnant with my second

Oh and I live 300 miles away in another country. What am I going to do?

Is there anyone else that can help, Roxy? Any other relatives?

So here we are, another week begins. Good luck everyone and strength and patience to deal with whatever is thrown at us.
I'm off to stumble through a very long shift at work before bathing in Teflon to face the big day tomorrow. DH is trying to be helpful by stocking up on new gin flavours!!!

Yeah I’m lucky that I have a sister back home and she does loads. I help with what I can from far away. I’m a nurse so try to do all the appointments and phone calls. Organise the online shopping. Anything to ease her burden

My mum is a very difficult personality. Her latest thing is to not answer the phone. She does have hearing loss (refuses hearing aids) so we have an extra loud ringer and a flashing light but she also does just ignore it. If I ring straight after hanging up I can catch her dialing 1471 so she knows it’s ringing. During the snow it took 13 times for her to answer and then when she did she was sarcastic about us worrying.

I go up as much as I can but it’s really hard with a toddler and bump. My mum is a bit of a hoarder and is very messy. We’ve tried cleaners but Mum just gets all anxious and bonkers about it. She prefers us to do it. And then never says thank you

That sounds familiar, Roxy!

whatever sending you strength for tomorrow, and to all the rest of us, god knows we need it.

Progress here today: DM doing well, pain under control, smiling, talking normally (if you leave aside the deafness). Found a private care home locally, manager went and assessed her today and she will be transferred there on Thurs, all being well. £2k a week (!!) but the alternatives were stalag 41 where she was before, or another one, further away which she spent 15 mins in post knee replacement op before demanding I take her home (story in itself). Booked her in for 2-4 weeks depending and then we can access the local services again.

This one seems quite genteel and at least it's not a 40 mile round journey every day. She wont like it, but has agreed that she is not safe to come home at the moment. Breather for a few days at least.

yolo good news- well done.
pickle thinking of you
whatever sending one of those mixer wagons with industrial quantities of Teflon infused with gin for tomorrow. We’ll be thinking of you and willing you on🌺🌺
🍀🍀for nota

Well that was a brief period of thinking we were getting somewhere. This afternoon she is confused and paranoid; told nurse this had happened before and they will do urine test. ortho-geriatric bloke this morning had ordered more bloods, so maybe they will show up something. hospital physio wants her more mobile before transfer to care home; doubt confusion and paranoia will help with that.

Care home offers nursing care plus general care so I hope they will accept her anyway if she is stable enough. Then there was the trauma of getting her to speak to her banks so I can set up internet banking on one and transfer savings from another. I need to get Power of Attorney.

whatever thinking of you

Oh dear, Yolo. It never ends.

DM bumped her car today. Couldn't remember or find her insurance info. Generally very stressed about it, but decided to go out for lunch to meet a friend rather than report to the insurers (with info I dug out).

that made me smile pickle lunch is always going to beat talking to the insurers!

My mum hides her post from me, as she resents me looking at it, but is incapable of managing things herself (I have financial POA). So I have to do a quick search in her usual hiding places to make sure that I haven't missed any bills or medical appointments. Found a card for an insurance renewal at the weekend, phoned today and it was months old and so expired.

It is hard enough managing everything for my own home and hers, without her actively working against me. DB is on a well deserved holiday at the moment, and all my mum can do is criticise his wife.

Not having a good time of it at the moment. Self pity alert, sorry. Not sure my marriage is strong enough to withstand some of the stresses being thrown at it at the moment, but that is not what this thread is for.

Well, it kind of is what the thread is for!

Can you step back? If it all goes wrong, it isn't your fault. Your marriage is a bigger priority in the long term.

nota I feel your pain. You must look after yourselves first, otherwise how can you possibly look after anyone else? like on the plane, apply your own oxygen mask before putting one on the children.

The taking a step back thing is so bloody hard though! I thought I had it sorted, I escaped the kind of catholic guilt my DM feels and evokes all the time. That said, when someone is crying down the hospital corridor at you it's hard to walk away.

But you have to, you have to look after yourself, your marriage and your children because let's face it, that's the future.

pickle it’s not made any easier is it? yolo sending extra supplies.
nota I’m so sorry- is it worth getting her mail redirected to you? Not stepping back, but might reduce crises. So sorry to hear that things at home are tough- and this thread is for us to rant about everything and share support. 🌺🌺
whatever hope it went as well as it could today. 🍷🍷

Just checking in to say hello to the newbies and offer gin, chocolate and shoulder rubs to anyone in need.

View - we have exactly the same problem with family holidays. My mother (almost certainly narcissistic pd too) works very hard not to enjoy the holidays we take her on - she doesn’t like the destination/accommodation/activities, even if she’s been involved in choosing them, but is enraged if we don’t take her. There’s sound advice here about not being indispensable, but my mother has very deliberately made herself dependent on me by rejecting all other possible sources of help. I need a holiday, so that I can return refreshed to the onslaught, but knowing that my sibling won’t step up to the proverbial plate while I’m away adds to the stress. There’s no easy answer, I think.

And I agree there’s a whole conversation to be had about the toll this takes on other relationships. I often feel that all I have to offer husband and offspring is the tiny amount of emotional energy that my mother hasn’t drained from me. That can’t be right.

Monica, yes, exactly, my Mum complains her way through whatever we involve her in (often ruining the bits and bobs of leisure time my husband can take away from his business) and then kicks up merry hell if we leave her behind. And yes, I can totally see that a sibling who does knack all to help is more stressful than no sibling at all.

The advice that you've all given me has really moved my thinking along. My initial reaction is that my Mum won't qualify for attendance allowance yet, but thanks to you I understand now how important it is - that it's the entry point for carers' allowance and Council tax exemption, and it all opens other doors. And I phoned a company yesterday who sound lovely - trained staff who offer companionship and a host of housekeeping services for older folk - would even take my Mum out for a run in the car and a cup of tea, the sort of thing she just loves. Not workable just now as I wouldn't be able to persuade Mum to pay for them at the moment and their monthly bill would be too high for us to pay ourselves. But great to know that they are there for the future. So this thread is great (not that it is great to read about the horrible times everyone is having, that is completely rubbish).

Waves to fellow newbies Rodders and Roxy.

Viewfield - I’m glad to hear you’re investigating options for getting more support for your mother while taking some of the burden off you. I don’t underestimate how hard this must be when you don’t have a sibling to share the load or even to act as a sounding board. A sibling who doesn’t do much is a different sort of frustration (and also sometimes a source of self-doubt; should I be more like sibling?)

We have a motto on here that “you can’t pour from an empty jug” so a lot of what we talk about is self preservation, and holidays are a part of that. It’s stressful and disappointing when a badly-needed holiday turns into all the usual stuff shifted into a new location.

Practically, Age UK were a great help to us in claiming attendance allowance, although I’ve been very remiss and haven’t even investigated the CT exemption. A blue badge has been invaluable, but the threshold for those is higher than for the allowance - again, Age UK helped us.