Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Hi to newbies- great advice from monica . I think we’ve all learnt the power of information and being prepared........ and the need for self preservation. This is a long game for many of us.
How is everyone doing?

hello to all the newbies, and the oldies, and the lurkers and the droppers-in. It's lovely to see you all, but I am so sorry we are all on this long, long journey...

DM is still quite confused, but will be transferred to v expensive care home tomorrow or Friday (I am away both days so that's a bit tricky but needs must - hospital will do transfer etc). billed this to her as stop gap for convalescence but am actually wondering if she will ever be able to live at home again, even with live in care and if so how do we sort the money, and more pressingly, can I bring her cat to live with us?? where he will have to live with our 2 mogs, all about the same age but not sure it will be easy. Probably the least complicated of everything though!

So many decisions, it's endless yolo. Perhaps she will find this nursing home better.. I agree that since she didn't manage even 24 hours at home, it seems unlikely that she will get back to trying again

My mother appears determined to search the whole of our county for a place to live, from 100 miles away, with zero regard for any of her needs now or in the likely near future. She is obsessed with having stairs, which is our red line to avoid. My sister has finally lost patience and pulled out of helping, which probably means it won't happen, she being the achiever in our family.

Sorry folks, my previous post has been put on the wrong thread. Apologies. I've asked for it to be deleted.

Anyone got any advice?

My elderly Dad has had a couple of falls and gets dizzy when standing up. The doctor has tested for various things and thinks it is just age related dizziness. My problem is that he refuses to use any walking aids.

He just avoided a dramatic plummet down some steps. Luckily my 17 year old ds spotted him as he went out of control and caught him with a flying save. However ds won't always be there and my Dad is very stubborn. Any ideas?

What do you do with a stubbornly independent but dangerously unstable elderly person who won't admit that they need help?

How tricky for you. Is your dad the sort who would take stern advice if given by another man - a relative or GP?

No! We have all tried.

I have the most success out of everyone. He ignores my brother too. It took me six months to persuade him to get a blue badge and a solid year to get him to agree to converting a downstairs room to a bedroom. I've just finished it now. He is exhausting in his independence but he very nearly ended up in hospital today.

Is there a local falls clinic the GP could refer to? And would he consider a pendant alarm, so that WHEN he breaks a hip, he can avoid lying on the floor for 24 hours?

He says a pendant alarm is for 'old people'. He is over 80 and has multiple problems! He has had two hips replaced and has serious gait issues.

I'll enquire about the falls clinic. Good idea but he is very likely to resist.

Can only echo advice re falls clinic and possibly ot?
yolo hope it goes well tomorrow.
pickle how are things? And whatever how are you doing?

I'm getting by, thanks. I've not quite got my mojo back after a stressful couple of weeks, but the end is in sight. Some work being done on the house is nearly finished, so I can get my routine back again.

Hardly surprising pickle. Take care.
Waiting at docs for dm-talking to elderly chap who was complaining he could no longer get a copy of the paper from where he lived "so I don't know who's dead"..........

Well, it's a way of looking at life I suppose

little space I second the lifeline - perhaps bill it as 'saving the emergency team time'?

things not good with DM. This 'luxury' care home is not as billed apparently... everyone in there is ancient and much ill-er than her, everyone sleeps all afternoon (except there are daily activities which someone must go to?) the food is like prison food, they wont lend her a spare nightie or give her drugs, and today they took her down to the dining room for lunch. the fish and chips smelled like fish, and Fred at the table with her wouldnt speak. She does not have a view from her window (she fucking does!) Also, she has been left alone for 24 hours. She expected a great deal more for £2k a week. There is other stuff but am too pissed to remember it. FML.

Nothing will ever be enough, eh?

God. If it would help, if he gets help as soon as his hip has broken, he will be back on his feet ridiculously quickly - the surgery is so quick and good now. If he lies on the floor getting cold and dehydrated, he will probably get pneumonia and/or a UTI, will sit in hospital days longer, which will mean muscle loss, possible delirium which can take weeks to clear and just a general shitload of problems. A pendant alarm is for smart people who want to be at home for the maximum time and in hospital for less than 72 hours at a time. But whst do we know, eh.

little space you can only do what you can do.
yolo nothing will ever be good enough- protect yourself, here’s more Teflon.
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫to all.

Teflon reqd, I walked out on her this morning as she was being such a bitch - about me, about everything, and I just couldnt take being the punchbag anymore. Not very mature of me, but she has cried on the nurse and phoned DB to say how upset she is (not much about me though...) have asked her to take them of morphine which makes her mad as fuck and will go see what happens tomorrow morning. DH said: you could put her in a suite at the Dorchester with Omar Sharif handpeeling grapes and she still wouldnt like it!!

DH is right!

Honestly I think you are amazing a masochist to give her as much time as you do.

I've been on the phone with DM today. She's just off the wall. I don't engage, just Mutter 'uhuh' at intervals. She feels I care and have made the effort. I don't engage emotionally at all. Not even a bit.

well tomorrow I will go in and pretend all is normal - stiff upper lip 'n all that. have to, she needs slippers and there is no one else to sort it. I dont think I'm a masochist, and I never feel guilty (she's a catholic, I dumped catholic guilt many many years ago). Dunno, I suppose I just feel that I'm the one on the spot? she was well OTT today though. it has to be said that 30 mins is my absolute max; 20 if I can get away with it; and at least she is now in our local town which is far more convenient in terms of buying for me and dh... Just so pissed off really, 3 weeks left before DDs go back to uni and what with them working, me working, bloody DM we have managed to do very little. And I wanted - and they wanted - to do nice stuff together. So that will be the priority for the next few weeks, and about bloody time too.

yolo another tanker delivery of Teflon just for you. Your Dh is spot on. Protect, protect- and huge treat afterwards. Enjoy your dc.
Pickle..... well done for not engaging. Grey rock in action.
🍫🍫🍷🍷🍰🍰for everyone.

Morning all, just checking in to let you know I'm still here and got through the week. Funeral was of course difficult but actually went well and the tea,scones and vintage china afterwards were just as she would have liked ( well she would've found something to moan about !?!) .Generally kind comments from her band of merry followers only had to rely on the Teflon for the odd few idiots. DB didn't do or say anything too awful other than totally refuse to shake DH hand.
Thinking of you all, Yolo please make the time to do family stuff a priority, you so deserve it. Sending a huge hug xx

whatever so good to see you and to hear it went as it did. Now you can regroup, take time, do what you need.