Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

That’s an interesting point about disinhibition. It might explain some of my mother’s nastier outbursts.

It's something that worries me personally! I'm very much a think before I speak person, I don't lose my temper, I'm very moderate in how I express myself. It worries me that as I age I will simply blurt whatever is on my mind. No one will recognise me! Argh! I mean, we do all have thoughts we aren't proud of, don't we?

Bahhhhhumbug. I am going through similar with MIL too. I came to this thread to see if anyone knew how to return to not feeling resentful and dreading visiting. I know how you are feeling. I too am the chosen one, mostly the only one and the one that gets the continual complaints. I know I need to set some kind of boundaries and look after myself but don't know how without MIL being hurt and having less support than she gets from me up to now.

Azzy hello my kindred spirit, its horrible isn't it when you are usually such a nice person to have all this anger and resentment towards someone. I actually hate her some days and that is so not me. I just can't shake off my anger at her for that day and the pursuing weeks of entitlement and presumption from her that e eryone, me especially would run round after her. The more she did the woe is me routine and the blatant hinting (another speciality of hers) that 'she would love xyz for tea but couldn't stand up long enough to make it' for example, the more angry l felt and more determined not to do it. Its like lve lost all my empathy/sympathy.

Hi azzy and bah...... sorry you have to find yourself here. I really recognise what you are saying! Needmoresleep, a veteran of these trenches has often reccomended “ the selfish pigs guide to caring” as a really helpful read. Many folk have recommended counselling as being extremely helpful. I find the twin strategy of treats for me and metaphorically applying Teflon to my shoulders before an encounter with my dm makes things slightly better.

The one thing I like about my mum's dementia is that her usual rudeness/lack of inhibition has dialled back a bit and if it does come out I can just explain she has dementia.
Unfortunately for the rest of my life I would cringe whenever she spoke to people, my dad recently admitted he used to feel the same when they were married.
The first time she met my first serious boyfriend the very first thing she said .... hello, nice to meet you - no not a chance she said "it must be terribly difficult being ginger" and then walked off!

Haha sorry Wonky l know its not funny but that made me spray my tea. My dmil always says 'ooh hello stranger her' or 'look what the cats dragged in ' or' bloody hell it'll rain now you've turned up ' and so on. This is when lve not been round for a day or two at most. Problem is l feel less like going round with every passing day when lve been absent a few days because the level of hostility increases with every passing day.

Hi Bahhh. I know how you are feeling. I am emotionally drained, have run out of empathy and feel she is using me as her emotional dumping ground. I have visited her 4 times this week and phoned several times and tomorrow she has several shops/places that she has asked me to take her to. I will spend at least 4 hours tomorrow with her. I have decided that I am not visiting on Sunday too. I am seeing my own mum (and dad) and spending some time at home with DH and DS. I know MIL will moan about me not visiting when I phone her to wish her a lovely mothers' day.
the sandwich. I have looked up the book and see my local library has a copy. I will pick it up tomorrow. Thanks for the recommendation. I have decided to be better to myself and need to develop teflon shoulders too.

Hi all. I thought I would drop in, following Sandwiches' namecheck. I am indeed a veteran. DF died about 8 years ago, when DMs dementia was already becoming obvious. I've ridden the storm of denial, anger, useless care agencies, and bureaucratic health services, and reached the relative calm of very sheltered housing and a great carer. DM may have another decade of twilight left, but the road ahead is clearer, and I have enough support organised not to be filled with dread each time the phone rings.

The Hugh Mariott book is great. My advice is to set boundaries, and to pace yourself. Getting burnt out helps noone. My mother is relatively well off so I have picked up quite a lot of financial knowledge around POA etc along the way, so feel free to ask. And if anyone needs someone to listen and lives within striking distance of London, PM me and the first or is on me.

For those of us on here that are dealing with our mothers, have some .

I am about to take mine out to the local garden centre, because I feel obligued to do something, and I can combine a treat for her with coffee and cake in the cafe. I have told my kids that I don't want anything from them because I want to break the cycle of obligation.

I am planning on taking myself out to see Three Billboards tonight as a well done to me - assuming I can last that long...

Notaflyingmonkey, Good plan! I hope that goes well for you.
Need, it's good to have advice from someone with your experience.

My mum was supposed to be at my brother's- she went down yesterday intending to stay over, but came back the same day. She's a bit of a control freak, and found it hard to be outside her own environment. She wasn't the centre of attention and the day didn't revolve around her, what with their being toddlers there. So now she's on her own today, and feeling miserable. We've had a chat on the phone, and I'll call her again later.

I hope you ladies get a bit of joy out of today, whether that's breakfast in bed and a trashed kitchen or a phone call from someone.

Hello all- good to see you needmoresleep! Your perspective from the long view is really helpful.
Nota- sounds like a very good plan. Garden centres are great for elderlies! Usually quite spacious, colourful, and cake😉😉. Dm declined a lunch trip yesterday so i’ll call in today.... might need to liberally apply Teflon as I have to hear what a tough time dB is having..... rehearse in head.... “nod and smile”.......
and to everyone struggling.

I think the most devastating thing for me is how I no longer look forward to spending time with my Mum ( I know that sounds awful and I wouldn’t say it in RL.
She’s still fully aware mentally but has a lot of physical issues and has been reduced to hospital appointments and possibly a trip to the supermarket once a week
My smart, trendy, fun, sparky Mum has been replaced by an old lady in a wheelchair who only talks about how bad her health is.
I used to look forward to seeing her and if I couldn’t phoned several times a week but now I mostly feel obligation and duty.
Her home was the one place I felt I didn’t have to be the responsible adult and be looked after instead of being the one who looks after everyone but that has gone now too.
I do love her and visit often and help out a lot but I miss what we used to have
I’m aware this is selfish and self pitying and she has it far worse than me but I thought this might be a safe place to vent.

🌺🌺🌺🌺 hopping. Yes, vent away. I know exactly what you mean.

The garden centre was playing The Carpenters on a loop. If that didn't make me psychotic today, nothing will.

Nota arrrgh! Hope you make the film!

I am keeping my head above water
No small thanks to one awesome poster who knows who she is

hopping
Your post has really made me think.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother. Now geriatric she is just a more enhanced version of the astonishingly self centred manipulative cold person she always was.

This hurts and angers me as I find myself doing emotional caring and practical stuff for her that it would have never occurred to her to do for me.

How much more of a shock it must be to see a kind vibrant engaged person becoming a shell of who they once were.

I can understand the dread of visiting. I really can. Don't be hard on yourself.

Of course. Do pm. I have fond memories of a coffee with a MNetter whose mother was diagnosed with dementia the same week as mine. Bizarrely it was mainly laughter as we compared the mad things that had happened or that we had had to put up with. I am not sure anyone listening in would have understood the gallows humour, or the relief in being able to share.

Giving up a Zimmer frame for lent is really bizarre.

Oh I know that one. My dad hates his Zimmer frame with a passion - it’s a symbol of his increasing disability and he fights it

I thought you were supposed to give up something you like, rather than something you hate! oh well...
I suppose it means he gets to keep eating chocolate!

to everyone who is struggling.

Small confession, I like the carpenters, even on loop. Very soothing, voice like honey and ice cream.

Accidentally opened thread due to phone/site going wonky- so although not in this situation (yet!) couldn't not comment!@bahhhhumbug I'm incredulous to read the way you are treated, they are rude and truculent and do not deserve your help. Agree with pp, you need to step back as she clearly doesn't find your help 'the right kind' and she needs double handling..

Bahhhumbug, I get plenty of 'oh it's you, what do you want' when I turn up having driven 150 miles.

The most effective thing during the crisis when both my mother and brother assumed I was entirely at her disposal (as did various bits of SS and the NHS) was to suggest that my husband's patience was wearing thin and he was about to put his foot down.

I had no rights, but obviously a husband had a right to expect his tea on the table when he came home. Deep down DM was very worried he might run out of patience and force me to abandon her. (DH is nothing like that, but she would have remembered how hostile she had been to him when we first met. Luckily he found this funny.)

Dad now on his own. He looks increasingly wobbly on his feet and very wheezy with all sorts of health problems. He is setting up POA just in case.

So worrying isn't it?