Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Hi view and welcome. I think you may need to regroup a little as I can't see your situation being good for you and your own family at the moment, let alone going forwards. Can you find a way to ease off the number of phone calls, and intensity of the situation? If your mum has the money, I think it's worth looking at some level of outside support such as a carer visit - even better if you can find someone who 'pops in' once a day (ie can play along with not being a paid carer), and can take some of the weight off you. If you/she hasn't claimed Attendance Allowance, then get that done now to help pay for some of these things. I wish I'd got mum a cleaner earlier on, so that it meant one less thing for me.

view good advice from nms and certainly look at introducing carers- 4-5 times a day is a massive commitment. You deserve your holidays and your children deserve you- also try the local carers association.
yolo thinking of you- 🍷🍷🍫🍫🌺🌺 hope your mum is settling.
nota sending you this🍀🍀for luck...
whatever how are you doing? And ☕️☕️🍫🍫to everyone else.

Thank you very very much for your replies. They confirm pretty much what I know to be true - that the current situation, which has gone on for two years now at quite an intense pitch, isn't sustainable for us. At the moment, my Mum says she 'doesn't need help' (i.e. from outside agencies) while drawing heavily on me, my husband and a couple of lovely friends. I think a cleaner is the place to start, as much to get her used to having someone in. But it's finding the strength to push things through (I've checked out the Out of the Fog website, which is helpful) when the most minor of issues result in a torrent of angry unreasonableness..

View can you present it as 'I need help, and therefore Angel Care will be coming in twice a day'? I would imagine the response from your mum might be similar but it might help you press on. Id also expect things to get worse for a bit - 7 calls a day plus all the hassle of liaising with the carers! But with the view that this is going to have to happen at some point. Of course it is OK for you to go on holiday, see other family or friends, have a family trip out or a week day to yourself. Of course it is. And that remains the case even if things are semi-engineered to go wrong - for example I know my mum concentrates 100% on her horrible stairs because she's living where she wants to. If we ever do get her to move, she will probably turn awkwardly in her new bathroom and break her hip on day 3. It still doesn't make moving the wrong decision, nor would a crisis blowing up as soon as you leave make going on holiday wrong.

Annandale thank you - that's really good advice.

Needmoresleep you asked if decent respite care is affordable - the answer is 'sort of'. My mum has some savings, her own flat on a very nice estate, and good work pensions which comfortably exceed her current outgoings, so she has luckily has no money worries but equally isn't at the top end of affluent I recently enquired about the cost of a week's respite in my mother-in-law's nursing home and the answer was £1,500 - that potentially could be paid if need be but certainly couldn't be done at the drop of a hat. I'll start looking into private care firms locally. There's no attendance allowance or anything like that - that would need a social work assessment, am I right? She's been flagged up to social work but at present wouldn't agree to an assessment. Sorry to bang on further! I'll shut up now.

No she applies for Attendence Allowance, however I would try to get help from someone who has done it before. You need to be VERY negative about ability/capacity. You ought to be eligible for carers allowance. Both worth having.

My mum was in hospital so I saw it as a good use of rainy day money. Plus you will save something from not having her/her friend with you.

Be warned 24 hour care is not much cheaper.

View, you aren't banging on! You are asking sensible questions that some of us are able to answer.

I however am about to grumble, ramble and rant.

DM (definitely narcissistic pd in my armchair opinion) has been a nightmare this week. My saintly DH has had enough. She's nasty about people, refuses to pay her way despite being very well off. She sucks up attention like a sponge, at the expense of children and everyone else. She can't bear people to have any power or control of themselves or her. She won't let me help her clear her house- everything I suggest is met with outrage. DSis and I offered to go away for a few days over her birthday. She's interpreted this as being we will pay, she's decided where we are going, and changed the dates we were going on.

Honestly, if she popped her clogs now, I'd feel nothing but relief and would have to delay the funeral until I could be trusted to behave.

Those of you who are lucky enough to have ever had a good relationship with their mother may think that is shocking. But she has put herself before everyone else my entire life, at the expense of my Dad, my siblings and my children. I'm all out of patience and tolerance. It will take a few days before I'm ready to talk to her again.

view ask away- if others can benefit from the hive mind of this thread, then that is a real bonus.
Thanks to mumsnetters I got attendance allowance using advice from the carers association- age uk are good too- also backdated if you request a paper form from the date you request the form.
Also thanks to nms dm got a £90 refund on her power of attorney by registering at gov.uk.
pickle that is so c£&*. Stay away for a few days. Teflon immersion required. She doesn’t deserve you.

And if she is awarded Attendence Allowance she will probably be eligible for Council tax exemption. Worth having. And a disabled parking blue badge. And anything else that links with 'being in receipt of benefits'.

I have finally got round to switching my mum from BT. She does not need much, mainly a phone line, but at one point I had added basic broadband in case carers stayed overnight, because it was the same price, or indeed cheaper. But BT have just raised the cost of the phone line and of the broadband within the fixed term contract so that it was more expensive that the super fast fibre/TV etc package from another provider my student daughter was offered.

It was really difficult to speak to anyone, even though the price rise email offered a number. They did say though that I could cancel, so I did. Then lo and behold a week later I get a call asking, essentially, what I want and what I want to pay.

Its very wrong. They are relying on the inertia of their elderly and long term customers to subsidise the new customers they are chasing. My mum cant manage a mobile, never makes calls and probably only received 4/5 calls a month. Yet was being charged over £30 a month.

hi everyone, and welcome view.

I think it is fair to say that DM will not enjoy being under the Kent Enablement Team - the nurse tonight had the absolute effrontery to make her walk into the kitchen and choose her own supper!! And then trolley it back into the living room herself!!

DB went home today, I went in at lunchtime with some shopping and ended up having to make her lunch (only a sandwich and a trifle, but...). then back in at 5 with DH to do a few bits, my niece turned up with her husband (come 200 miles) so that was all good and she really cant complain about being 'alone all day long'. Need to get caring agency to send someone in at lunchtimes for housework and lunch encouragement. I know she is going to phone and say can I come and see her into bed, so planning not to answer phone. (bad daughter). but DD1 is working and doesnt finish until somewhere between 11pm and 2am, so it is what it is.

Stay strong yolo

There is a lot to be said for accidentally switching a phone to silent, or leaving it upstairs.

Hi all, huge hugs for everyone!
Pickle this is exactly where I am at. Funeral on Tuesday 14th and actually relieved I have had this time to talk and think things through before I have to face it. I've remained calm and behaved perfectly so far ... nearly lost it in response to some 'sympathy' cards earlier in the week. But I refuse to lower myself, I WILL hold my head up high and get through the day. After all hopefully I will never have to see half of her devoted friends ever again.
I honestly thought I would never be able to cry when she died. In the event I have cried loads but for the relationship I never had and also accepting how she felt about me. But I am free at last.

Whatever. 💐💐💐

Another lurker, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in January, has ended up being sectioned and is in complete denial that there is a problem. He is very angry and lots of paranoid thinking, very aggressive towards his family, oh the joys

Did I say I wouldnt answer the phone? Lifeline people phoned at 8.15pm, they couldnt speak to her but could hear her screaming. to cut a long story short, she was trying to get at her secret drug stash, fell over and has been carted back off to hospital with a probably broken hip (cant weight bear and one leg now shorter than the other). stupid, stupid old bat - DH told her just this afternoon how careful she must be. FML.

I am so fucking ANGRY with her! cant say any more will have wine and got to bed...

Bloody hell yolo

You ok Yolo? Hope you got a little sleep?

Yolo, hope you are OK.

Reading this, it sounds as if your mums stubborness has a lot to do with addiction. Not something you can or could reason with.

I hope today is not too awful

Oh dear.

What a waste of time and effort from everyone.

morning all, just waiting to see what today brings - knackered already.

I'm sure you are! Bless you. Try and take every opportunity to rest. This will all have been cumulatively very wearing, and you don't want to end up ill!

yolo you must be so angry! After everything you and dB have done to get her home....... 🍷🍷🍷🍷and as others say, try to get some rest and conserve your energy.
☕️☕️to everyone.