Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Fingers crossed Yolo! Almost there...

Oh yolo! Fingers crossed for tomorrow! I am in awe of your resourcefulness and determination. Your dm is absolutely priceless....

Sandwich- priceless in a no one would want to buy her sense?! Sorry, cheap joke...

😂😂pickle!

Hope all goes well with care home lady today Yolo

lol at pickle! or as a friend of mine said, she is far too cross to die, and is hilarious if you are at a safe distance.

Up at 2 to help her onto commode, was either that or face changing sheets post-tsunami. She is very anxious this morning, says very unwell, cannot pee (although pad is wet), will she get in trouble if she tells this morning's nurse there was someone else in the house last night apart from me and DB? Morning nurse had not turned up when I left at 8.15 but am hoping she will have some sensible advice - eg hospital for investigation.

I am not sure this care home lady will think she is suitable.

In which case I have told DB that we need to tell enablement team that family care has broken down and what are they going to do with her?

Whether we can go quite that far I dont know, but he has to go home sometime, and I cannot be there 24/7 so she will either work herself into an emotional frenzy and call police and/or ambo when alone or she will do something stupid and fall over.

Off for nice hot shower in my own bathroom after I've inhaled some coffee.

Fingers crossed it all works out yolo.

I spent a lot of yesterday sorting Dad's house out and doing tasks he can't manage - washing, changing beds, cleaning floors etc. It is really exhausting. I'll re-introduce the idea of the cleaner once he has recovered from the whole 'moving the bedroom downstairs episode'. Elderly people can only process so much change at a time.

Still the change of bedrooms has been a major success.

Good luck yolo

That's good little space! One step at a time.

Yolo. 🤜

Freedom is so close DB and I can almost taste it... home has agreed to take her; she has agreed to go. Wheelchair suitable taxi booked for 11am tomorrow, DB will travel with her and I will follow in car with sundries. Rather ridiculous as it is a car journey of less than 2 mins but only feasible way.

No urine infection but still peeing like the Trevi Fountain, mobility awful, but hey ho someone else can have the worry. She is booked in for at least 4 weeks, and I should think 8 minimum if not 12.

She cannot come home unless she is mobile enough to make her own drink/sandwich etc, take herself to the loo, and most importantly be alone at night.

The staff I have met are absolutely lovely, I've seen her room, all the public spaces, and the place is family run and feels like a home rather than an institution. Saw what was served for lunch today - roast chicken, proper crispy roast potatoes, fresh veg etc. Looked and smelt delicious.

So just another 19 hours to get through until some semblance of normal life can resume... fingers xd. Knowing my mother she will fall over tonight!!! DB and I might hit the rather nice gastro pub over the road once she's settled.

Can I just say

1. argh

2. hand hold please

3. how do you make peace with yourself in terms of what you're prepared to do to help out?

Making peace? Give long careful thought to what you can offer without destroying your own future.

Think about things only you can do.

Put a package together and run it past someone you trust.

Then stick to it, knowing it is a rational well worked out plan.

For example, I'm not prepared to clean my mother's house, other than the basic wipe up the kitchen and bathroom after you use them. She can afford to employ someone, and should. I will change lightbulbs, sort out her tech, work through her paperwork, things that you can't ask just anyone to do.

If you have work a husband and children, then you have to sustain them first. You can't sacrifice your marriage for your parent. Neither should you leave a career to care for them, as you may need that career in the future.

Easily said. Slightly less easily done!

Thanks pickle

Dad is in hospital at the moment with we don't know what - general decline? A sticking point for me is that mum likes me to stay overnight a couple of times a week. I find that really stressful. I really want to provide that support but I have depression and anxiety and find it hard.

I'm aware that she might collapse under the strain of looking after him, but also worried I might collapse under the strain of trying to look after her.

They both have very specific ways of doing things. Also, dads been a shouter all his life but this time, I can't really tell him off. He is in a hospital bed and suffering a great deal.

As they are both 80, it feels a bit unfair that I feel the stress is damaging my health.

My sister and her family have blithely gone on holiday this week.

Well, what your sister does and doesn't do is kind of irrelevant. There would be a limit to what you can do whether you were an only child or one of five attentive siblings! You cannot be more than one person, to make up for your sister.

You may need to just say, 'mum I need to sleep in my own bed. If I get ill I'll be no use to anyone!'

This won't be a short business. You need to pace yourself. When DF comes out of hospital they will need even more support. Sooner or later one of them will die and the one left behind will want even more support again. You really have to get your boundaries in place.

The size of their need is not relevant to what you are able to offer, IYSWIM.

"The size of their need is not relevant to what you are able to offer, IYSWIM"

Thanks, that helps.

yolo everything crossed for you and hope you enjoy your lunch.
Little, brilliant advice from auntie pickle, boundaries, boundaries, you cannot do everything they would like you to.
This is a marathon, not a sprint- make sure you maintain your health and sanity.

Hi. I’ve been reading and not posting because I feel so worn down by it all that I can’t bear reliving it. Still comforting to read very similar scenarios and realise my thoughts are not abnormal.

It is like some sort of chaotic nightmare where no sooner have I ‘managed’ a problem it morphs into a different problem.

I’m desperate for help but struggling to sort it.

My mum is turning into someone horrible and nasty to my father. I think she has always had this streak lurking (she could be quite emotionally abusive when I was younger) but she is obviously free to indulge it now. I’m conflicted by wanting to believe it is just the illness but suspecting it is the real her. I then dislike my cold callous thoughts.

I’ve been bottling up everything and now feel I’m at risk of spilling all on this thread and you’re all a bit by my intrusion

I’ll zip it now.

Oh Pierce, I'm not thinking that at all

I think it comes in waves....I need a spell of normal time, then I need to vent.

Carry right on Pierce.

I felt brought to the edge of madness by my dm on monday, and she is in great shape compared to many on this thread. It's a long haul.

Perilously close to the end of the thread, so I set up this... hope the link works!

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3357318-caring-for-elderly-parents-pop-in-for-support-advice-a-bit-of-a-rant

Pierce, feel free.
I came very close to dobbing DM in to Social Services last year. I was appalled at how she was with DF.
No one will judge you- most of us on this thread are finding our 'elderly' extremely trying!