Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

yes whatever - they may still love the person, but they clearly see what is happening... wine also kicking in here, tomorrow is another day as Scarlett O'Hara may once have said?!

she now has bedsores, and is getting more and more confused. DB is horrified at bedsores (former nurse before he went into mental health) and says I need to phone and kick ass tomorrow. have also tracked down her trauma consultant where he works privately, and asked if he would consider discharging her to 24 hour care at home. She is constantly talking about suicide, cant remember stuff from one minute to the next, flips from friendly to raging etc etc. If she can get discharged then she could pay for her care for a good 10 weeks or so. after that, who knows, but I suspect she would kill herself if she could find enough drugs. Oh, and she phoned her cleaner to ask her to bring in some laxatives but not tell me. didnt discuss it with her, but surely in a care home laxatives are kind of on tap?

Yolo, that sounds awful- I am so sorry. Your dB is the expert but something doesn’t sound right.
Sending you hugs, Teflon and gin.

Yolo so sorry to hear this. That sounds awful and must be so upsetting for you all. Hope you are able to speak to someone tomorrow. Hugs x

thank you. it is kind of like a slow sneaking process... the more confused she gets the harder it is to work out what to do. will kick ass on phone tomorrow about bedsores, and hope to hear back from consultant on Monday. Tbh if she came home and died within a few weeks she'd be happy, and we would be happy for her.

Sorry all, I've been on holiday! Had a great time, lots of it off grid so I only checked in occasionally. When I did, Mum was there with long grumbling texts and demands, but I only replied days later as I was at sea. Result.

I've not caught up on all your happenings yet. I see things have been pretty tough- long cool drinks all round. With umbrellas and cherries in. And alcohol. Even if it is still early on a Sunday.

pickle that sounds EXACTLY what the doctor ordered! things with umbrellas, cherries and alcohol all round.

Didnt call home today, decided to save my ammo for convo with manager tomorrow rather than (really rather snotty) nurse. DB didnt either as he "didnt want to get angry on the phone". I dont think they will know what has hit them if DB does get angry; he has all the qualifications and the verbal skills to annihilate someone. Kind of in awe of him actually. He and SIL are coming tomorrow and staying for a week - love them.

Good to see you pickle! Glad the holiday was fab!
Yolo- so glad you have dB with you as a nuclear arsenal.
Whatever- how are you doing? Hope you are ok.

Welcome back pickle, that sounds wise yolo. Here we go looking into another week..
For me the rollercoaster continues. I've had such amazing support from people around me and they've all been so patient as I've ranted/ analysed/ cried about all this. Each day has had so many unexpected twists and turns that I'm starting to dread what each day will bring. Also still really struggling to sleep and eat.
Today I went to visit my Dad and he has gone significantly down hill. Totally unresponsive and vacant. Could be result of TIA earlier in the week but everyone agrees he's just given up. Think I could realistically loose both parents in a very short space of time. Also difficult as we have a much needed holiday planned next week. I've said I won't be at work again this week but that makes other pressures about work load and money. Aargh !
Sorry, so sleepy this probably doesn't make much sense.
Love and positive vibes to everyone for the week ahead x

Yolo, your brother sounds great - your mum is lucky to have such a caring family (even if she maybe doesn't always realise...!)
Pickle, your holiday sounds great - maybe you should have umbrellas in your morning tea to prolong the holiday feeling!
whatever, that sounds tough - please look after yourself too.

I've found this weekend really tough - Dad was so muddled ( with delusions) when I saw him yesterday & it was difficult to know what to say to him without dismissing what he was saying.
My usual ploy of asking how he felt about what he thinks is going on wasn't working, so I just ended up saying "oh...gosh, hmmm, well, golly yes..." !

Also am struggling with mum's reaction to dad's dementia - she is a difficult person at the best of times, but she spent a good 20 minutes this evening complaining about the fact that dad had spread a lot of random papers on the bed & spare chair so there was nowhere for her to sit & it wasn't very welcoming for her, especially as it was so hot & she'd tidied all the papers up 2 weeks ago... (I'd done them yesterday but he sorts through random stuff every day).

I did gently point out that it was the dementia not really Dad, & she snapped back that she knows that but it's still irritating. Apparently she tidied up with a lot of crashing & bashing around & hardly spoke to him. I know it's hard for her but really, why can't she just see beyond the end of her nose sometimes?

under that sounds hard, I can sort of see where she's coming from tho because it must be irritating! and is also probably easier for her to get angry than to think about what is happending to your Dad...

yolo, yes, I know what you mean, & I do think that she's in denial about Dad's deterioration because it's so hard to watch.
On the other hand, she unerringly manages to make everything about her, & I feel that in the current situation, we need to concentrate on making Dad's life as pleasant as possible where we can, which includes not getting huffy because his room isn't as tidy as she'd like or she doesn't feel that she's been made enough of a fuss of.

I did print out a list of the symptoms of his type of dementia for her & highlight the relevant bits but she still thinks he's somehow getting muddled on purpose to annoy her & needs to be sternly spoken to or totally ignored in order not to encourage him!!!

(She also expects me to agree with her in her treatment of him & gets quite huffy when I don't!)
I need to be more understanding of her feelings, I guess, but good grief, it's hard!

OH went to see his Dad tonight. We’ve seen him a few times but nothing regular but his dad seems to have gotten back to expecting us to run round after him. OH asked his Dad if he wanted us to run the car out for a day (bloody expensive sports car, not wise to leave in the garage undriven for such a long time) his Dad smiled and said hmm wondered how long it would take you to want the car again. OH said no that’s absolutely fine, happy to never drive the car again. His dad said when I get out of here I’m not allowed to drive so you’ll need to drive it and drive me round 😂 OH said no sorry that’s not going to happen. His dad said well if you’re not going to do things for me then I might as well try and kill myself again when I get out of here.

I’m cross with myself because I didn’t go with him this afternoon as I wasn’t feeling well. Sick of him making OH feel like this, what an awful thing to say. Safe to say, we are done! We have an appointment with his medical team on Tuesday to discuss care going forwards where we are going to make them aware that we are not available for any sort of care......we are done!!!

doesthis that's horrid for you & your dp, but it sounds like you're being really strong! Hopefully once you've made your position clear, you can relax & look forward to your adventures with your baby. How are you coping in the heat?

does at this stage of the game you need to look after yourselves and baby first (horrible time of year to be pg, so sweaty!)

The thick plottens at this end. spoke to care home mgr this am who was a cow. DM is apparently attention seeking, all obs are normal, we need to visit more often/take her out for several hours at a time etc. I visit 5 days out of 7 (40 mile round trip) and no one has ever said we could take her out... Got to home at 12.45, asked to see snotty mgr, no you dont need to see her, you need to see social worker. SW actually really nice and very helpful. DM doing v well physically, explained about suicidal tendencies - "really? she always seems fine to everyone here". explained: proud old lady blah blah. Anyway, bad visit but got home and got through to consultant sec who put me on to head of fracture clinic (I think technician rather than doc?) anyway explained everything and he said "so basically you want a note to say she can go home to 24 hour live in care" I said yes, and he said he had some ideas and to leave it with him til 11am tomorrow. so maybe, just maybe we might be getting somewhere.

(so sorry, it's all about me me me, which is what I complain about in DM! Hope everyone else is doing as well as they possibly can, and if not that you have your chosen comfort food/drink/people to call on)

@UnderTheOakTree not doing too bad, it's cooled down massively where we are, still warm but nothing like the weather we've been having. However we are going down to the south coast on Friday and the weather is hot hot hot down there! Lots of ice pops and a fan!

does its boiling down here, def ice pops and fan, also there is a spray thing called magicool, available in big supermarkets - we are all using it all the time...

Evening all, things certainly seen eventful for everyone at the moment. Yolo I too must apologise for my rather self absorbed posts, I do tend to get a bit carried away when given the opportunity to vent!
Trouble is I don't feel I can offer very helpful advice other than just to offer huge amounts of sympathy and support and 🍷. Yolo I hope there might be better news tomorrow and does as you know, ** I know only too well the feeling of being at the limit of what you can cope with. There is only so much we can all do. Thinking of you x

Another one dropping in for a vent! I’ve been driven demented today by the sniping, the criticism and the self-pitying half truths. It’s only the official MN Teflon that keeps me going.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. , treats and supportive hand squeezes for all who need them.

Another one checking in to refuel on Teflon.
Yolo- good luck today. I found the fracture clinic people wonderful.
Monica, vent away, whatever, sending support.
Appointments and negativity to deal with later today.. first a ☕️And 🍰to gird the loins and a dunk in Teflon to protect.......
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Morning all! Dunking in Teflon here too... off to see Dad later then will have to speak to Mum at some point... I didn't ring her yesterday so there'll be LOTS to catch up on

Hoping everyone finds whatever they need for a peaceful(ish) day
(Is it too early for ...?)

the social worker yesterday told me Carers Allowance had changed and is no longer means tested? Anyone else know about this?
I applied a year or so ago, and was told no because I earn over £100 a week (wtf?!).
I am going to look into it again.
wishing you all as much Teflon as required, plus the comfort of your choice.

I don’t know about CA but the info on gov.uk suggests the income cap is still there. Is the change supposed to be very recent?

Just got to the hospital for a meeting to discuss OH dad, he isn’t supposed to be present. We are sat waiting for the meeting and he walks in, he’s his usual awkward self! This is going to be fun!!

Oh no! How did it go, DTLGOM?