Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Morning all just checking in to let you know I'm around. Not sure what to say. Had so many lovely messages and conversations that have all underlined what you've been saying. In particular I decided to bite the bullet and call her closest friend ( who I thought had very low opinion of me) but actually she had a good measure of Mum and why she behaved like she did ( issues from her childhood etc) She seemed to understand my feelings of never being enough and surprisingly agreed that Mum was never happy with anything.She also said some very comforting things about the last few weeks and how Mum had understood the pressure I was under.
I'd planned to go to work today but spent the night laying awake dreading it. Just sitting here trying to think what to do about that. Might just pop in as psychologically need to step through the door.
Now need Teflon recoating to deal with DB. He's now in their large house acting like he's one the lottery. When I visited on Monday ( day after she died) he was installed in her recliner chair smoking like a trooper ( she was very against smoking). Gonna be tough going. Also issue of her dog that he wants rid of ASAP.

Whatever. Lots of experience on this board of unsupportive/selfish siblings. Six years ago I was very close to going under and received only criticism from some unwilling to help at all.

I decided I could not afford to waste any emotional energy on him. I barely had enough to meet the needs of my mother and my family. DB is religious, so what he does and how he behaves is up to him and his maker. What I do is what I think is right as a flawed human wanting to contribute to family and society.

Look after yourself. Park the rest. (I assume you may feel rightly angry that he did not warn you that your mother was dying.)

But do keep an eye on the money. The old, where there is a Will, there is a relative, holds true. It is amazing how people can behave.

Good point needmore . DB has health issues of his own although quite how severe they are is debatable. He has been living in the family home with our parents for a very long time. He has no income of his own and no dependents. Can't remember when/if he's ever held down a job. He apparently told her ( struggling to use the word Mum at the mo) that he would need a minimum of £325 k for what he 'needs' in terms of housing!! He also pointed out to me that he needs to sell her little fiat panda because what he will be getting is v expensive!! Umm hmm hate to point out it's her car so technically it's not your money any how!!!!
Fortunately there is a financial advisor and executor ( not sure of spelling) who I think are very astute. We are meeting with them tomorrow. She has said many times that her concern was DB and the grandchildren ( my children). Her logic was that if it goes to DB it will come to me in the end cos he hasn't got dependents. Interesting logic eh? Oh and minor point that he seems to have forgotten that our Dad is still alive and in a home!!!
I honestly don't care. I put it to rest a long time ago. Any money would be bitter and I need to be free from that. Just want it all sorted.

Whatever good to hear that you were able to talk to your m’s friend and found that positive. People will have got her measure.
Wise advice from needmoresleep and good advice to leave the money stuff to the experts and pay them for it. Detach and protect yourself.

@whatever45 I was. Whipping boy for my mother and stepfather all my life. I was the only one who stuck by them even though their were plenty who criticised me for not doing enough. I too found out eventually that I could do no more. It takes a while to sink in that they are both gone . I know that they, like your mother, had a much better life because someone did the things for them that no-one else was prepared to.

You have been so strong up to now, please hold your head up high and take care of yourself for a change,

whatever that all sounds really hard, but also that you may have some allies to help you get through the complications? I hope so.

DM still in care home but giving out contrary msgs. spoke to private GP and home GP yest, they both say she is in best possible place. she told DB she was resigned to staying there, but told me she would love to come home. I know she is really unhappy. Meeting with care agency lady tomorrow to discuss 24 hour live in care for 3-4 weeks (which is bare minimum til she sees specialist again). I veer between: stay where you are, it's free, its not that bad even if very boring and come home, obey ALL orders about sitting down all day and be happy in your own home with your own dear cat etc. I really dont know....

Yolo that decision has to be one of the toughest in all this. I think at the end of the day it's about her being as happy as is possible but her safety has to be the priority. Obviously my situation with DM was very different. She was absolutely determined to be at home with no concept or concern of the impact that might have on those around her. Fortunately we were spared the final battle when this would no longer have been manageable. For me it was the duty of care for her safety that had to over ride emotional decisions based on her wishes. All so hard to weigh up. Hopefully when you meet with the agency today you will have a gut feeling.

yolo, for what it's worth, I don't think there's ever a "right" answer in these situations, which makes taking a definitive decision both easier & harder. What is your gut feeling?

Sending everyone lots of strength!

whatever, I hope you're able to find some glimpses of peace & are looking after yourself.

We're home from my mother's neurology appt.

I don't get many positive days regarding my mother's health and while today hasn't outwardly solved much we are both so relieved that her consultant didn't just turn us away and has even put things in motion for future treatment.

So happy and relived that we now have someone to help us, my mother wanted to give me a kiss and a hug when I left her earlier, this has never happened in my life, she doesn't do hugs and not even kisses in writing cards etc. We were both teary as I am now typing this.

Posting cos this is a good day, there haven't been many and I want to be able to look back and remember this.

Jelly , how lovely. As you say, cherish that.
Whatever ,hope you are looking after yourself.yolo, hope things are as good as they can be,and that you can find a way forward. Trust your instinct.

jelly yay for goodish news.

The lady from the care agency we use for mum came to see me today - she is wonderful. She basically said that no carers worth their salt would take mum on at the mo, she has to stay where she is until the meds say she is safe to go home. Even then I will put in 24 hour care for at least a couple of weeks - not possible to go from 24 hour suprvision to a couple of visits (or more) a day. She will have to pay for it, and she will have to suck up the next 4-5 weeks being bored. I will use the time to get ramps fitted to her front and back doors, and organise a wheelchair. Think I will buy one, Red Cross only lend for 6 weeks. There's a good mobility place in local town which might have a 2nd hand one, or offer to buy back a used one, and they can prob do ramps as well. I am very relieved but tomorrow's convo should be fun!"!

Yolo, it is useful that someone has taken the decision out of your hands and I know it will be tough but you can say that going home isn’t an option because the professionals say so.
Amazon also do wheelchairs but you need to see some!

yes sandwich she is amenable to idea of wheelchair, but it has to be comfortable, and it also has to fold easily, and of course it must not be too expensive (she doesnt care about the folding bit, but if anyone is to take her out in the car then of course it has to fold easily - and if it is me doing the folding/lifting then it also has to be not too heavy). plus my cavalry coming again, DB and SIL coming for 5 days next week. would be so much harder without having them around.

picklemepopcorn how are you doing?

That sounds great yolo, lots of positivity around today.. however if I tell you about my day so far you won't believe it! 9am meeting to go through her will, DB has been given 75% in a trust fund to ensure he's sorted for life. Then on to meet with her friend to go through wishes for funeral. Then get a call from Dad's Home to say called paramedics as think he's had another TIA. While I'm there the coroner calls to update me on official cause of her death. Decided not to move Dad to hospital and he seemed ok ( had to get permission from DB who never visits as he now has power of attorney ). Home to cook dinner for our foreign students and now on way to watch School awards ceremony. I can do this?!? I don't want a medal, but really?? Surely can't have much more thrown at me!!

oh ffs whatever please have a medal (at least) from me. wine, gin, flowers, cake, chocolate, have it all xx

And from me whatever!🥇🏆🏆🏆🎖

We all deserve huge medals for getting through another day! Go us!

Yolo, two things that I found helped.

1. your mother may have the capacity to make decisions, but does she have the capacity to make "informed" decisions. I think it is reasonable to discount her wishes by the level of dementia or denial, and by the closing in of her day to day experience which might have left her, toddler-like, as the centre of her Universe, unable to appreciate the demands she is putting on others.

1. I use my late father as my guide. What would he be happy with. He would see my mother disabled by her dementia, and me struggling to do the right thing for her and for my family. If I felt I could explain/justify my decision to him, and that he would be content, it made it easier to face up to my mother. We are at a period of calm now, but it used to mean violent rage. Much easier when I felt my dad was on my side.

Medals all round!

Bad visit today. I explained that no care agency would touch her if she discharged herself because insurance would be void. Also that even the journey home (cross-country, masses of potholes even at 30mph) would be incredibly painful, and once there she wouldnt be able to go up the steps into her house. She says she is going mad, having panic attacks, and 'I cant even kill myself because the knives are too blunt'. She doesnt want to die in the home, cant believe that 2 docs have told me it is the best possible place for her. Plus loads more which you really dont want to hear as you will have heard it all before... DH is really cross with her for dumping on me but I cant say that because 'as my daughter you are the only one I can talk to'. Oh and all the staff hate her...

Long chat with DB, there is nothing we can safely do apart from tell her she has to suck it up and stay where she is. That's tomorrow's little gem for me to deliver.

To cap it all, Ddog has significant anaemia, there's a slow puncture on the car, and there's too much month at the end of the money!!! wine, and a toast to all you who also suffer.

Oh yolo I am so sorry. Sounds like a royally crap day. So sorry you have to deal with all this. 🍷🍷🍻🍻🌺🌺.
I’m so sorry about the dog too. Rant here if it helps.x

Yolo just a big huge Friday night hug and wine. We got to Friday and now we all need a little time off from thinking, worrying and tears.

thank you sandwich and whatever much appreciated, toasts all round. DDs (aged 21 and 19!) say they will be much sadder if Ddog pops his clogs than if grandma does... and unfortunately I feel the same. more all round!

Yolo this is the issue here. Because children ( 13, 15, 18) could see the hurt that she caused they are now almost unsure how they should react to her death. The wine just starting to kick in now. Hope everyone has a relaxing evening x