" she went on about how nobody had been to see her while I was away, she had no food etc. "
Love it!
I am now a decade into this caring for an elderly parent with dementia lark, with possibly another decade to go. The standard greeting when I arrive, after a three hour journey, is "oh its you!".
My problem is that I have also been landed with managing my mother's property, which is a real pain. But it does mean I have other reasons to make trips down there so can call in. Plus we have deliberately decided to recentre our lives so we have nice things to do which make for a pleasant weekend away. And a beach hut so I can take a break between chores.
I have also managed to structure things (sheltered housing, a directly employed carer, an address book of people who would stand in an emergency) so I am not the first port of call in an emergency.
After a decade things are pretty stable, so much better than they were mid-crisis. I no longer hear my mother's moans so she has largely stopped, and actually she seems surprisingly happy. My next task is to get Court of Protection permission to sell her property, which will remove a huge admin and stress burden. And now the kids at University, it will be easier to spend more weekends down there.
I am not sure if it is Teflon, or that I could not keep up the level of stress and commitment or rise to the emotional blackmail. Its not good really as I now have no particular wish to see my mother, nor her me. I do so out of duty and a need to monitor that the care is being delivered smoothly. I should take her out more etc, but I find it difficult to motivate myself for someone who won't show gratitude. At least she seems to have lost the capacity to hurt me.