Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

So glad you had a good time yolo- and sorry about your dm. It’s so hard isn’t it.
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So sorry, this might be long and rambly...

Not taking the temazepam in did not go down well. I am cruel, lazy and selfish. DB and I are cut out of her will - as we both agreed that I couldnt poss take in extra meds. She was responsible for me all her life till I married at 31 (wtf?! was proud at that stage I didnt mention DB boarded from 8 and I did from 10) and now I dont want to be responsible for her taking extra meds which could cause her to fall/hit her head/break another bone/get pneumonia/die with resulting investigation into hospital and of course me so I am a selfish bitch.

She is very disappointed in me. So we had a strained 25 min visit, then I went to see the head nurse who was of course horrified at the prospect. In the care home, she gets a temazepam at bedtime. At home, she'd have that and then another one or two if she woke and couldnt get back to sleep (which is prob why she keeps fucking falling over).

Bascially she wants out; she could pay for perhaps 20 weeks full time care at home (minus physio). But because she is still non-weight bearing on her arm they would not want to let her go.

So if she discharged herself, and I did manage to arrange care at home, I guess the NHS will not be that bothered - as she has a perfectly reasonable offer of safe residential care, even if she doesnt like it.

Current situation is I am trying to get a private gp in to see her; dont know if it will make any difference but perhaps he can talk some sense into her - she knows him well for previous arthritis care.

She keeps going on about how noisy it is in the home - she's fucking stone deaf, having a convo is almost impossible in the daytime, yet at night she is kept awake by someone snoring across the corridor, and panicking that if the fire alarm went off how would she get out of bed?

I know she's old and scared, but I also think she is poss detoxing from the amoutn of painkillers she has taken for years, and I dont know how to deal with that/who to talk to.

This sounds really horrible, but she is not very brave. She has 'had' to take a sleeping pill every night since my nephew died of cot death 31 years ago; my DB and SIL dont do that, and they were the child's parents ffs.

aargh, if you've got this far just thanks for listening xx

Oh yolo I am so sorry- how horrible for you. Your dm must be feeling really out of control and scared. That is so, so hard and i’m sorry I have no answers. Private gp sounds perfect..... but I do wonder is there any way for her to be in more control?
Big hug for you. You are doing all you can.

Don't know what to say. You may know that I messaged my DM a few weeks ago to say I needed a break from contact as I have been struggling to cope with the bitter messages that she was sending me. I had a call from my brother this morning to say that she has died. No idea how I go on from this.

oh whatever. That is a tough tough thing. I am pretty sure you did your absolute best though in very hard circumstances. What would help you now? big handhold from here at the very least.

DM says she would prefer to be dead, her life has no point. I can totally understand where she is coming from, its just that I would rather not be instrumental in causing it.

Oh whatever, a handhold from me and whatever help I can give. I am so sorry. You did your very best but had to protect yourself too.
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But I didn't did I? I put myself first.

Reading back over this thread you have done so much. Please be kind to yourself. 🌺🌺🌺🌺

putting yourself, and your own family first is NOT being selfish. It is about protecting the future... This is the point where you say to yourself: I did the best I could, in the circumstances. Those circumstances are not always in your control, you are being torn apart n all different directions and at some point something has to give - the fact that it was not you is to your credit. Like sandwich says, be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for everything you did xxx

Thanks yolo and sandwich. I know the decision I took was not made easily. Just can't believe it has ended like this. Please God let us all make sure that our children never ever have to deal with the situations , or are made to feel like we are all feeling right now.

I’m so sorry whatever. Please be kind to yourself🌺🌺🌺

whatever, I think yolo & sandwich have said it so well. Please don't judge yourself harshly.

whatever you must be absolutely torn apart, just sending you virtual love to carry you through the next days/weeks/months. But you did your best, which is all any of us can do. It's so hard.

Can't sleep. Tomorrow I have to go and tell my Dad that she has gone. I have no idea what he will understand or how I'm going to tell him. X

oh sweetheart... I dont know how you're going to do that, but you WILL find a way, and it will be OK (or at least as ok as it can possibly be) x

@whatever45

You did what you did as a result of what you knew then, not now. Don't beat yourself up over a decision you made for the best at the time. That was THE best decision then.

Sending peace and love your way.

Whatever, right at the start of the process my GP cousin explained I would need to make difficult decisions. Whether these were the right decisions, only time would tell. I could only do my best.

Condolences for your mother. But guilt is not a productive emotion. Look back on the better times and on the contribution you have made over the past few years. You made a decision, based on a need to protect yourself, that you now regret. But it was a decision youneeded to make at the time.

Yolo this needs to be discussed with a doctor, perhaps the private one. My understanding is that rapid withdrawal can be dangerous. Might he also prescribe a mix of real pills and placebos. She then gets her tablets and is less panicked/hard on you

Can't thank you all enough for your support. I'm avoiding contact with friends etc at the mo cos just can't handle the whole thing. To be able to come here and be quite open and blunt about how I'm feeling means so much. Even last night when I felt so alone. I'm sorry I haven't often had many wise words to help others but I care very much.
I visited my Dad and told him this morning. With the dementia it's so hard to know what he can take in. He looks so very sad and lost. I truly now wish that he could also be released from all this.

Oh whatever, I am so sorry. The support is here whenever you need it. I am so sorry you had to tell your dad- and no doubt it will hurt every time you have to tell him again as he probably won’t remember.
And vent away here..... there are folk here who understand.

being able to be open and blunt is really really helpful, and I thank you all too.

currently waiting for a callback from DM's private gp, who on the strength of a phone convo with her, has said she can go home if care is 'impregnable'. I need to know what this means, and who would be responsible in the event of another fall - as once at home she will no doubt self-medicate again. live-in care at home costs a minimum £1k per week, I asked what would happen when her money runs out and she said 'oh well I'll die'. that's fine but a bit of tricky sitch for everyone else - not sure an OD is that reliable, who will find her, what will happen to her cat etc etc etc. sigh.

Someone said to me and I found it very helpful - 'nothing you do will be right - it will always be the least bad of the available options' It is very hard but don't expect too much of yourself.

@whatever45 - had things worked out a little differently you would have been able to come back the situation refreshed and ready to deal with it better. Just because of what happened it doesn't mean your decision to take a break was wrong.

what helpful said. we cant win, all we can do is protect ourselves as best we can

Whatever - I can’t add to the wise words here already. That was the right decision at the time and you did your utmost.

Hope everyone is bearing up. ( &!)

Thanks under i’ll Have a bit of everything!
whatever thinking of you.. hope you have lots of support. Hope everyone else is doing ok.... Teflon at risk of melting during this heat....
sending good wishes to everyone.