Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Hello all, I've been taken up with micromanaging Mum renewing her railcard, choosing a train etc for her visit to me. 45mins to download an app. Not do anything with it, just find it and download it. We had tears, tantrums...

It sounds like some hard times are being had all round. in copious amounts for everyone.

Mum talks a lot about there being no point being here, etc. She's actually doing really well, she just doesn't realise that this is normal life. She was so spoiled by my lovely dad. She had no idea.

My partner has never had the best relationship with his Dad (74) he has constantly put him down about a number of things (weight/life choices) and we can go and visit and he will come away in tears. Bit of background, FIL is disabled, has a work accident 30yrs ago and has numerous health conditions meaning he isn't able to look after himself. He had a partner of 38yrs who suddenly became ill in March and died in April. She cared for him so that he was able to stay at home. Before she passed, we rallied round, caring for him, making his meals, doing his errands, and we spoke about getting a care package in place if he wanted to remain at home. Every time I attempted to make the call to adult social care he would tell me he wasn't up to it, basically he just wanted us to run round after him. 3 weeks ago I went to his house as pre arranged to make this call. I found that he had taken a massive insulin overdose in order to end his life. I called my partner and an ambulance, he refused treatment for a long time but then allowed it. He's been in hospital ever since.

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel. The reason we didn't go is because I am pregnant and we had a scan so couldn't go. We would be at the hospital at 9pm and he will make demands for certain things he wants picking up, we go home and go to bed, OH gets up at 5am goes to work and goes straight to the hospital after work and FIL will go mad because he hasn't brought what he's asked for.

Wednesday last week, OH had a stomach bug and wasn't able to go to hospital so I went on my own. When I got there he told me the staff were all lying to him. He had been moved onto a general medical ward for older people and he was going absolutely mad shouting that he didn't belong with the rest of the geriatric idiots. I tried explaining that it was just. General medical ward for older people but he wasn't having any of it. I said give me 2mins and went and spoke to the staff. The nurse told me that earlier that day he had tried escaping the ward (he isn't allowed to leave) he attacked a member of staff and had to be restrained, and he was found to have a Swiss Army knife and a screw driver in his possession. I returned to his bed and very delicately explained what the nurse had said and he shouted and screamed at me that I was a liar and he didn't trust me and that I needed to leave before he got very angry with me.

I called my partner as the situation needed him, he told my partner to fuck off and lifted his walking stick at him and told him he was going to do him some damage. We left and spoke to a nurse and then heard a commotion. FIL was being restrained by 8 members of staff and was shouting and screaming at them some horrific stuff. They had to sedate him and he now has a security guard with him 24hrs a day.

We haven't been up since. I personally don't want to and my partner won't let me, I'm stressed enough as it is and nearly 7 months pregnant. But he is torn as all he's ever wanted is a dad, but he is also thinking of cutting all ties. His minister has been to see him and he ha told him that all we want is his money, I have access to all his accounts and if I wanted his money I could easily take it. He offered to buy me a new car 10 tomes and I refused, and he offered us £9000 to get married before baby arrives and we said no. But he keeps repeating these vile lies to people.

I don't know where to turn, I'm happy to walk away but my partner is so sad about the way he's treating him :(

Hello, everyone.

Doesthisnamelookgoodonme - that sounds very hard to deal with. You’re right to stay away, for your own well-being, but I can see how difficult it is for your partner. The reality, I think, is that if his dad hasn’t been much of a dad, he’s not likely to change now, especially if he’s become violent and unpredictable, but that sense of wanting your parent to be a parent never really goes away. Good luck with whatever your partner decides to do.

that sounds awful does, I think you should (both) stay well away. This man won't change.

Best laid plans and all that... DB's car broke down 20 miles from their home, cant be fixed til Thurs, so that's this week out. They are hoping to come next Mon instead. It's awful but I am completely gutted! I had my heart set on 3 days off, both DDs are home for uni and have a rare day off that coincides for once, so we were going to have a guilt-free outing and then I could catch up on work/house/garden etc etc. I know it's only potentially delayed for a week, but SIL has cancer so they are living week to week, and I dread that they cant come... I love my SIL so dont want her to do anything that doesnt suit her, but oh god I need the break!!

Can you have the break anyway? I may have lost track of the logistics, Yolo!

Does, that sounds awful. As Monica says, he isn't going to turn into a good dad at this stage in the game. I'd back off, get advice from the HCPs, it doesn't sound as if he enjoys the visits, in fact they seem to unsettle him even more.

Does, goodness, you really don't need this at the moment, do you? Can your partner square going nc with his dad by telling himself that he's got the next generation to look forward to now & going nc will mean he can focus on being a lovely dad instead of dealing with his dad's issues?
However it pans out, remember to look after you & your baby & enjoy your adventures together!

yolo, could you have a strategic 'tummy bug' that would mean you couldn't possibly visit for at least a couple of days... then you could still go & do the lovely plans with your DDs . We won't tell!!!

I remember my gp telling me very sternly but kindly that it was more important to focus on yourself & your own family (ie partner &/or kids) than to run yourself ragged for your parents. Harsh but true, I think, particularly when said parents are tricky to begin with...

FIL has actually been telling people that he resents the baby because he is going to take up our time and we can't concentrate on him then. He told us once he is home he will need us more than he does now in hospital, OH said we will have a newborn baby who is our priority and FIL was pretty disgusted with that.

We also live with OH step dad, well he lives with us, he is being horrific, he does nothing and now is being rude to us. If we could afford to live in this house on our own we would.

And to top it all off, half an hour ago I found out one of my contracts is moving premises and not carrying on the contract which means I've lost £700 a month. I only have £400 a month left after bills.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and all me and OH have done is cry all day, I just want to run away and not come back

Oh does this your situation sounds really tough. Can you and dh just get out fir a walk/ coffe/ drink and try and sort out a plan?
Yolo I could cry for you and I second th3 tummy bug. I know how precious time is with students home from uni. Goes soooo fast. Put yourself first.🌺🌺🌺🌺🍫🍫🍷🍷

Oak tree A hug for you. I was at an event yesterday where they did a photo montage of all the Dads in the room it was set to music and was such a beautiful thing to appreciate all these amazing men in our lives but it just hit home that my Dad is not part of it anymore. All the Dads were smiling and happy while my poor Dad now sits alone in a care home with only my brief visits. He's still with us but not the man I knew.
Yolo I truly agree that on this occasion you need to put time with your children first. At this age the chance to share a few precious hours with them is so special. It will help you to recharge and be stronger in the long run.
After much consideration I have tonight messaged DM to say that I'm breaking contact for a while. I've blocked her number now. It feels so strange but I truly think it's that or I'll end up needing to see a Dr. Amazingly I messaged DB and he actually sent back an understanding reply. Can't believe it ( hope I can trust him). So to concentrate on Dad now.

Well done whatever. The right thing to do.

Gosh, what a lot of heartache all around.

Hugs for everyone! (((( ))))

I'm collecting mum from the station tonight. So I'll either disappear for a week or be on here venting constantly. Apologies in advance for either out come! I'm not sharing the , sorry, I'll need it all!

Extra and a 😇😇pickle!

DM is wheelchair bound and in a residential Home following a stroke then several falls a few years ago. She lives to go out and will only do so with myself or my siblings, refuses to go anywhere with care Home staff. She told me today that she doesn’t want us to visit and only wants to see us if we are taking her out to eat, she doesn’t really want to see us we are a means to an end. She has enormous difficulties with speech, is extremely deaf and has undoubtedly suffered cognitive impairment but even so it’s hard to hear. I am middle aged now and have never had a ‘mum’ relationship with her but find myself looking at friends on FB posting lovely things about their mums and find myself really envying then. I would love to have a Mum to whom me and my happiness/life are still important not just when I’m taking her out again. I will be sad at a life wasted when she goes but I won’t miss her at all, how very sad is that. My biggest fear is that she will stay alive and I’ll be dealing with this into my sixties and beyond .
I take her out for a couple of hours a week if I can arrange suitable transport but think about her quite a lot and am aware her life is pretty rubbish. She would like to go out much more but it’s just not possible. I offer to take her out for walks etc but that’s not what she wants. Just wish I felt less guilty about it all. In my head I know damn well if our position were reversed I’d be lucky to see her but i still feel bad.
Any advice on dealing with the guilt of basically having a better life?

user, nothing helpful to say just yet... but I do hear what you say about 'Mum' relationships - a lot of your feelings about your Mum really resonated with me and as soon as I can marshall my thoughts into a coherent comment, I will do!

In the meantime for you & everyone who's in the same boat.

User I think your feelings echo what so many of us are struggling with. I don't know how to cope with any of the emotions that this awful time is making me feel. Right now I can't think of a very helpful reply but just to reassure you that you are not on your own.

Just checking in to say hi - hope everyone's ok .

I'm visiting Dad today & have sent an email to his consultant outlining the deterioration in his condition - I'm slightly dreading what he (the consultant) thinks, as I fear there's nothing more to be done.

Also wondering how Dad will be today - sometimes he's ok (ish), but recently more & more in his own world, quite happy but not really with us. Think I will treat myself to a coffee afterwards.

I did talk to a Parkinsons UK support lady the other day, which was enormously helpful but I wish I could have recorded it as I can't remember everything she said!!!!

I did also just want to say how much I appreciate being able to post on here - it feels like a lovely safe place with some wonderful people, so thankyou all x

Oak, thinking of you today- anD that coffee is compulsory!
Pickle- sending extra supplies to help you get through the week

Everyone on here is so lovely and it’s a big release to be actually able to say it how it is without the judging of rl. Hope all is well with you guys too.

Thank you Sandwich, that will keep me topped up! We're having a bit of 'elevenerife'. Everything I talk about, it was worse when it happened to her. She's comparing my full frontal car crash, car written off, air bag burns whiplash, fire brigade, ambulance, police etc with her fall which damaged her knee. No one thinks of her trauma...

pickle, that does take a lot of teeth-gritting to deal with, doesn't it? Here's some as emergency supplies!

DH & I have started saying "Well, when I ..." to outdo each other for total non-events, which does at least make us laugh (although I hope the kids don't do it in front of my mum...might be a bit obvious! )

We went to see FIL last night.

He has said to numerous people “they have got my bank cards and car” his car he asked me to drive so that it keeps it running and it’s safe with us and he gave us his post office card to draw his pension for the things he was asking us to buy for him. We spoke to his Minister who he’s close to and he made the suggestion that we put everything in an envelope, take it to the hospital and seal it in front of him and FIL and we will all sign it to say we’ve handed it all over as we decided we didn’t want to be in a position where we could be accused of anything.

So we went to the hospital, FIL acted as if last week didn’t ever happen. Demanded shopping picking up for him, handed me a letter and told me I’d need to cancel his appointment, and handed us a water bill and told us we would need to get it paid. We were pleasant and civil. OH handed FIL the envelope and explained that his cards/keys were in there and we very nicely explained that we just didn’t want to leave ourselves in that sort of position. FIL immediately got angry and had to e told to calm down by the Minister. The Minister then said I’m sorry I had no idea this was going to happen (it was his suggestion) but we decided not to say that in front of FIL because it would have caused chaos. FIL said he felt hurt and abandoned, we said we certainly aren’t abandoning you, but things have changed and we just don’t want to be put in a position where we can be made to feel the way we have. Minister tried convincing us to keep hold of FIL cards and money and carry on drawing money for him but we said we had made our decision and that was final and that it didn’t mean we wouldn’t be going to the hospital but it meant we wouldn’t be going every day as we had been. He was very rude to OH and we nearly left twice. He denied he mentioned the cards and car, we told him he had mentioned them on 4 separate occasions, he said he doesn’t remember so we are wrong. The only time he mentioned what happened last week was when he said well this is just sour grapes because of what happened last week.

We’ve come away yet again feeling shit. We feel like we were thrown under the bus by the Minister. I want to walk away but I know it’s not that easy for OH.

oh does that sounds awful. I guess the minister was trying to do the right thing... cant remember, does FIL have dementia or is he just an old git?

pickle elevenerife!!

DM has a lady who visits her for a chat once a week, via charity. 'Ann' is very boring but very kind, and has offered to visit DM in the home, 40 mins drive away. DM is horrified at the prospect... I have not yet told her that my PIL also plan to visit as she will explode and I really cant say to PIL please dont visit my mum hates you!!

I have told her that she might like to see Ann, as she is complaining of boredom already so a new face would be a change and I will ask Ann to only stay a short time. Think I will just not have the PIL convo and let them turn up?? what does anyone else think?

meanwhile I now have lots of my charity work coming up, suddenly, so wont be able to visit Sat or Mon. this is good from pov, but she was expecting me on Sat, and cant hear me when I call on the mobile. Think I will have to give a message to the staff and hope she gets it.

Does, could the Minister have meant that he didn't expect FiL to kick off, rather than he didn't expect you to give the cards back?

I hope the distance gives your DH a better perspective on it all. Today should just reinforce that.

@yolofish no dementia, just a grumpy pessimistic bugger

@picklemepopcorn no he meant he wasn't aware that we were going to give his belongings back, which is a blatant lie because it was his suggestion.

OH has come home from work and fallen asleep, it's all taking it's toll on him. He's such a good person but he wants to do right by everyone, most times to the detriment of himself :(

does then if an old bugger you and DH need to protect you and yours first off. I feel for you xx